My heart is just
another guitar for you to fix.

Look in the mirror.
What do you see?
I see a girl smiling back at me.
With sad, tired eyes
that screams of insecurity.
I see who I am
And in the reflection, I realized
I do not like what I see.
I see a wretched being
with a scarred past,
full of lies and lust,
and grief and anger,
and sorrow and distrust,
and wounds
that never healed fast.
I see a liar,
a cheat,
a master manipulator,
people-pleaser,
pretender,
a great actor,
putting up
a sweet,
gentle,
soft-spoken,
prim and proper front,
but living the life
of a desperate
******* by the well.
A scarlet letter in disguise.
Present day Magdalene.
Tamar,
ravaged,
broken,
defiled,
bruised,
bleeding,
de­ad.
Worthless.
Wearing a mask of a strong warrior,
everything alright.
Silver tongue,
knows all the right words
and how to say them.
But behind the mask
is a broken,
scared little girl
too conscious of her glaring,
blazing,
flashing neon light,
flaws:
ugly,
fat,
unworthy,
undeserving,
disgraced.
I see an ungrateful woman
given grace,
only to rebel
again
for the hundredth time.
I hung my head and closed my eyes,
shame creeping in my heart.
I heard my reflection call my name.
"Look up.
Look at me once again."
And I did.
Because there is something
about the voice,
something so gentle,
so compelling,
so attractive,
and warm
that I couldn't resist
but follow it.
A tender voice full of love.
A voice that made me feel
known,
fully known,
and still accepted.
A voice so full of love
it quieted the shame.
I looked up
and saw myself.
Basked in a glorious light
that isn't mine.
Shining so bright.
Radiating beauty
that didn't come from me.
I saw myself
clothed in white,
pure and holy,
and pleasing to the eyes.
No longer a wraith.
I looked
and saw myself
through my Savior's eyes:
a princess,
a royal priesthood,
a bride,
a daughter,
a warrior.
Chosen and cleansed.
I looked and saw myself
but the face on the mirror
was my Savior's face.
It was His beauty I radiated,
His light I shone.
He exposed my flaws
and revealed that in Him
I am a new creation.
I am a new creation.
Even if I don't see it sometimes,
I am a new creation.

She asked for my help
To stay by her side
I just smiled and told her
Everything will be alright

I grabbed her hand, I held it tight
She asked me to sing her a lullaby
I did,I sang her favorite song
When I finished singing, I realized she was gone

She was smiling, her eyes closed
She went off peacefully, a silent death
She didn't say nor hear the word goodbye
It was painful for me to just let her slip by

I remember the time, and the place
And even the clothes she had on that cold winter night
That was the first time I met her, in an unexpected way
Yet, it felt planned like it was no accident

I was buying gifts for my family and friends
In a local store down the street
Down the shelf of trinkets and presents
I saw a doll my niece had always wanted

It was the last one there, and seeing no one else
I reached for the doll, ready to get it with my hand
However, it looked like I was not alone
There was another woman, who wanted it as well.

Being the man that I was, I let her take it
She told me it's mine, but I insisted she take it
Not wanting to feel guilty, she asked me to dinner
To repay me for giving her the doll we both wanted

I was hesitant at first, but I gave in
She was happy with my reply, joyful even
I just smiled, I realized how beautiful she was
We found a restaurant, and hastily went in

We talked the whole night, like friends reunited
When in truth, we had just met by accident
Annie was her name, and I never forgot it
The night passed by with us talking and laughing

I felt weird, not knowing what it was
It wasn't bad, it was actually the best feeling I've ever had
We had to part, as the night grew deep
But not before I asked for another time for us to meet

Weeks passed by, she and I just fell
For each other, not noticing at first
But slowly we realized our feelings for each other
And at the same time, confessed our love for one another

I was happy that time
Happier than I have ever been in my entire life
But unfortunately, the universe had other plans for me
And also for my dear sweet Annie.

About a year after we first met
On her way to the restaurant we had set
For a date to celebrate the day we met
She met a horrible and tragic accident

She was ran over by a car that lost control
Due to the wet, slippery road
And came speeding towards her direction
Soon screams and sirens were heard

I was contacted by her mother of what had taken place
And told me Annie was in a critical state
I frantically asked where she was now
I heard hospital, there was only one in town

I rushed to her, wanting to see if she's okay
I got to her room, everything seemed alright
I saw the doctor, and asked if she's fine
He just pat my shoulder, and gave off a sigh

I went to her and slowly stroked her hair
Waiting for her to wake up, or show signs she's still there
She did, and she gave a weak smile
And shed a single tear that slid down her eye

She asked for my help
To stay by her side
I just smiled and told her
Everything will be alright
But now, I know that I had lied

I didn't expect you
to go where I was staying
while waiting for people to come out.
You said hello
and it took all the courage inside
to say hello
as if my heart is not doing
a sommersault.

We hung out again today
and had a good laugh
over sushi and coffee
and I tried to absorb as much as I
could take in:
your eyes,
the way your lips move when you speak,
laugh,
smile.
The way you run your hands
through your hair
every three minutes.
The way your hands
move with your stories,
always knowing the right gestures.
How you would hold open the door and stand back a little
so I could enter first.
The little valley
on the space between your eyebrows
that forms when you zone out.
How much sugar you put
in your coffee.
How lightly you touch me
when you tap my shoulder.
How you walk.
I drink you in,
Every small and big detail I could.

I also notice the differences
that has taken place
over the course of our friendship.
We are more relaxed,
more open
even in discussing
the deeper parts of our lives.
You are more honest,
less guarded,
more willing to show me
your flaws.
And I drink you in,
as much as I could.

I noticed how lately
our minds are in sync,
and we start saying the same things
at the same time.
We finish each other's
sentences and thoughts.
And we both relax at the same time
knowing when to pause.
How we match each other's pace
when walking
and how we know
what the other is thinking.
And it took a lot
of self control
to remind myself
not to hope too much.

But I'd be lying
if I said I wasn't.

Hey daddy,
can you hear me?
I miss you.
It has been a hard
Two years
without you.
I really miss you.
It is Fathers' Day tomorrow.
I remember the last
Fathers' Day
that you were alive--
I didn't greet you.
We had a fight
and I was the stubborn
selfish child.
I thought I was right.
But now, two years too late
I realize I was not.
I am sorry.
I miss you.
I miss your hearty laugh,
your warm hugs,
I miss you waking me up
by tickling my foot--
I remember being annoyed
when you wake me up that way.
What would I not give
to have you wake me up
again?
I miss you calling me
to eat breakfast
before going to school.
I miss you doing the laundry
even if I am a big girl
already.
I miss you.
I miss the days when you
would drive me to school
and fetch me at 5pm.
Back then I wished you wouldn't
so I could spend more time
with my then-boyfriend.
What would I not give, daddy,
to have you pick me up
from school
once again?
I miss your silly ways
of making noise
during New Year's Eve.
For the past two years daddy,
my New Years were quiet
silent
dead.
Like you.
The last New Year's eve
you were alive,
the New Year's eve
the year before you died
you were drunk
and I welcomed 2013
feeling so lonely
with mom in UAE
and you, on the couch
too passed out to wake up
amidst all the noise.
Somehow, I knew
the next New Years won't be the same
I didn't expect
that it would because
they would be spent without you.
I miss you telling me you love me
and all those kisses
that used to really annoy me.
I miss you.

I am sorry.
For being a failure.
For being a bad daughter.
Sorry if I chose that guy
that *******
over you.
Sorry that I didn't listen.
I thought I was right.
I had so much pride.
What would I not give, daddy,
to have you here right now?
I promise, this time I would choose
you.
I would choose
to listen.
I would choose
to love you.
I would choose
to swallow my pride.
I would choose...

I wish I could turn back time
love you a little better.
I'd go back further than the day you died.
I'd go back to the time
when our family was whole
I would do whatever it takes
to keep it that way.
So that you won't have to be a drunkard
because you have broken your heart.
I'd go back, daddy.
I would go back and fix you if I could.

I am turning 20 in three months now.
Remember your promise to me?
It is two years overdue daddy.
I turned 18 without you.
You promised...
You promised we would dance
with or without a party
you said you wouldn't miss the chance
to dance with me.
I was waiting daddy.
But you never visited me
not even in my dreams.
It has been two years daddy.
I wouldn't mind having a dance at 20.
What would I not give daddy?
What would I not give
to dance with you
one last time...
Like we did when I was 7.
Ironic because
you said not to choose
Dance With My Father
as a song to dance to
with you
because you are not dead yet.
But now you are.
And I miss you so much.

I love you daddy
I am sorry.

Excuse me for my hurt,
I know you mean well,
And you want to inspire,
And uplift me,
But language is a fickle art.
One that can make the difference,
Composing tone and the words themselves.
And there is no greater insecurity
Than the one called Me.

Since the very beginning,
I have been openly listening,
Engaging in thoughtful discussion -
The subject of You, the percussion.
I immediately spotted possible repercussions.
I wanted, and I still do,
To know your essence,
But healthy exchanges
Involve equality,
And I don't want to be left hanging,
Feeling like I'm lesser.

I crave knowing the rest of your essence,
But have you no interest
In knowing the same?
Are our minds connected
Of the same fibers
Or are we what we weave,
Being different in how we perceive,
A lifetime of individual strings?

The only Person I should keep in my life,
Making me feel inferior and uninteresting,
Is Me -
And I shall escape that fate,
With unconditional love, and positivity.

I am deeply interested,
In knowing MySelf, loving MySelf,
And to You, who has shown limited interest
In simply knowing me,
You, I choose as a direction of my Purity,
You, unaltered and true,
You, and Me, Alone -

It all, once again,
Always begins with You.

I don't know why,
but it always starts with an invitation
to dinner.
Excitement always turns to dread
when I sit across from you at the table.
You fold your hands,
while I play with the table cloth.
I wait.
For those words
"we need to talk"
or
"there's something I need to tell you"
I know what follows after those words
A death of family or a friend
A cheating parent confession
Loss of a job
Yet another time we are forced to move to a new home
or the worst words
"it's not working out"
the same poor excuses pour out of your mouth
faster than the waitress can refill my beverage
so please,
don't ever ask why I cancel our "Dinner Plans"