How can you look at me and tell me
All these lies?
You hurt me, you the tsunami
You overcame me and washed me away
With a crooked grin
And those mischievous eyes...
You tore down all my walls
And cradled me with the idea of inner peace
Even when you killed everything around me,
my friends, my family, my life.
And when you left so suddenly, I shouldn't have been surprised.
You left everything in ruins.

I just hope you never come back again,
Because this time,
I will love you even harder.

Daisy Buchanan
Once said
That there was nothing better
A girl could be in this world
Than a beautiful
Fool

When I smile
With flowers in my hair
And innocence
Pooled with naivety
In my eyes

I hate myself

I

the river
                          soars
like sun white
horses galloping,
shimmering, glistening

the gallop a harmony
of cacophony
to my listening eyes

what an idyllic
                           sky pink-azure
bringing excellence to rest.
tomorrow the white river
horses will fly like jazz
to my listening eyes

II

half stuttered premonitions ease
at sight of indigo accented flowers.
                  in goat land, clouds turn
                  to white wisps of doves.
the mountain
                            is
                                   with us
a chipmunk at the summit
makes waves through the landscape
dancing like a tambourine

wishes and hopes curl
around my face enveloping
me in Washington air

I see you looking at the chipmunk
and smile like

          really nice,
          your
                    smile
                                is
          really really

          nice

Mentally, I started titling my poems
“If you only knew…”
the minute that you left

See, we were more like
Mother Nature’s children
Than we thought

Both of us polluted
Like the Ocean, I’m so full of this
Trash that everyone seems to leave me with

You were like poisoned vines,
Twisted and full of thorns
And roses you hide from the light

We built a garden though,
psychedelic and shining through the nights
we always stayed up
late for

Three psychics told me I’d love you
And one of them
In a dying breath told me you’d be
A rose

Boy was he right
I pricked myself just to
Hold you and adore you
Every single time
And I’d do it again

See, gardening takes work
So I cultivate this imaginary love
I hold something fragile every day and
Practice moving slowly enough
Not to break it

I listen to strangers talk
Until I’m bored and I keep….on….
Listening
So that I never miss another word
Love speaks

I look at myself in the mirror
And I find something beautiful
So that I can try to grasp
At how it felt the few times you
Actually looked at me like
I was (AM) a flower too.

I AM A ROSE TOO, ******* IT

I breathe you in like the fragrance
Of these roses that bleed my heart dry
And I wish you cut yourself on my poetry
Half as hard as we both have cut ourselves
Wishing we could bleed out whatever
Makes us undesirable

If only you knew
That I hungered for the few times
You came and watered me with your tears
Nourished my roots with your lips
Rolled around in the dirt
And loved our garden

….More than you loved her.

yesterday’s hope is a mystery
walking a hidden line
I hold tight in my throat
with beauty raging in a torrent
below me, tell me when to release
as my faith cascades over
this roaring masquerade

It's crashing and caving
Down on me
This life,  I've worked so hard
Can't even get dealt one good card
And then the avalanche of pain proceeds
And I'll grieve
Try all over again
But it's the same **** thing
Lifetime of misery and defeat
Playing on repeat
Like...  
How did I get here?
How could I come this far
Just to get knocked down
This ground made of pavement
My new best friend
I'll just lay here awhile
Get walked all over
While I wear a pretty smile
Dial it down a notch
Like...
How much more can I take?
You've defeated me
I'm laying here holding you
Waiting for a breath
There's no wealth or help
No welfare consuming momma to help me out
I'll just kiss this pavement
Down for the count
Give up?
That's what I'll do...
You beautiful slab of concrete you
With me in life,  with me in death
It's my final breath,  
I'll spend it in your cold hard arms
My solace on the ground
As low as I can go
You've been walked on your whole life too
You feel what I do
******* Pavement
I hate you

Gaping valleys,
Asylum-colored.

Spaced enough to
Let daytime prevail
And to let horrors imagine themselves
In the black lung membrane
Of 3 a.m.

I'd rather be
less opportune
than being
your sycophant
Because
its not  you
Who is the author
of my story.
I'd rather
walk alone
than being a part
of this blind haste
Because
its not  them
Who is the arbiter
of my struggling journey.
I'd rather fly far
than flying high
Because now
its me
who is the ruler
of my destiny.