you were the one he'd always leave me for,
you knew how i felt about him,
about you.
i loved you
i trusted you

i think about you when i pass the subway next to the domino's.
i thought about you yesterday
i thought about you today
and i'll think about you everyday

did you think about me on my birthday?
do you think about me at all?

it's hard to think we were so close once.
we havent spoken in a year,
and i dont want to speak to you.

we loved eachother.
you cheated,
and you lied.
you were kind,
that's who i loved.

it was your birthday,
was it a good one?
i hope youre okay,
i hope youre better.

sorrow fills my body but i don't notice
until it's too late.
but when is
"too late"?
is it when my tears are barreling out of their ducts like tsunamis?
or when i can't get out of bed more than twice a day?
or when i don't know if the reason i can't breathe is the weight of melancholy on my chest or not?
or is "too late"
the beginning of it all?
when is it "too late"?
"too late" has a certain ring to it.
it sounds
like when you're rushing to get someplace important but you trip and fall
and realize
that it doesn't truly matter.
because nothing does.
when is "too late"?

i wonder how many people
dated me just for my body,
or the pleasure that they knew i could give them.

i want to know if im any good for anything besides your pleasure.
did you fall in love with me?
or did you fall for my body?

tell me,
was i just your "friend with benefits",
to emotionally **** with?
or did you fall in love with me?

did you want me for my sense of humor,
my music taste,
my sense of pride,
my fashion sense?
or,
for my body?

did you think,
"yeah, theyre hot"
or did you think,
"this person and i are meant to be"
"this person makes me feel loved"
"this person gives me butterflies.
they make me feel like im on top of the world,
like im all that matters to them,
like im the only one they need,
they want,
the one they'd marry."

i thought i was that for you,
i guess i was just your toy

i don't know how to accept that you don't hate me.
no, don't tell me you don't.
actually, please do.
please, i need it.
just to breathe.
please,
stop.
i know you don't hate me,
but do you know that i'm falling apart?
does my love for you sink into your skin?
does it reach around your heart and hold you so close you feel like you'll fall apart if there were even an inkling of doubt?
is it noticeable?
that i'm crumbling?
that i don't know the difference between love and tolerance?
can i accept it as fact when you say you love me?
or will i continue to distance myself when really all i need to do is listen?
and no, i'm not asking for reassurance.
i'm begging.
i need it.
please, i need it
just to breathe.
please,
stop.

is he sighing too heavy?
is he furthering himself from you?
does he seem like he's lost in thought?
do you think he's numb?
do you think he's in pain?

you say "notice the signs"
and all the signs are right here.
so, why aren't you noticing them?
i thought you would notice this time.
after all, you've seen them so many times
but you didn't notice them before,
so, why would you suddenly notice now?

he broke me more times than i can count,
more times than i'd like to say,
but i still blame myself.

i thought it was all my fault,
that i was a bad partner,
that i was the reason everything went wrong.

i think about him a lot.
i think about the scars he's left,
the few good memories there were of us,
that i loved him unconditionally,
his hugs, his touch, his lips, his hair
and the worst part is,
i miss it.