choke
me out while
you do it so
i can feel something
and also nothing
at all

with your help
i crafted these tears
and thanked you
in relief
for assuring that
part of me is
still made of water

- this is how you know you are still alive

am i unjust for
wanting to feel wanted?
this primal desire we
were born with
left you haunted  
but not me
and i'm not sure but i
don't think i'm the
one that ignites t h a t  fire

i may have spoken too soon or
maybe i didn't say enough
she says it’s “all in my head”
but their expressions are untouched
as i reach for a hand
do i go where I am appreciated
find a safer place to land?
crawl out from this trap that reeks of doubt
somewhere I am heard
without screaming my lungs out

silent tears they
drip behind my eyes
leaving puddles in my stomach
whilst my cheeks remain dry
this smile
it seethes with lies
protecting my bones from the inside

you won't see me cry

i've accomplished more with you in one year than i have in my entire life
though i've always been an ambitious soul
without you it never felt quite right &
every inch of you makes me whole, so
i plan on holding you tight
while you possess this heart you stole
all my black fades to white

f.p.

how dare you
try and dispose of
the colors to this rainbow
though, how naive
to forget such ignorance doesn't know
we are free to express a life that doesnt touch you
how fatal that love in any form can
produce this hate
you should know
you will never take away the colors of our rainbow

she is gone
and i
still warm in our bed roll
over each morning to
sleep on her side

-confessions

just write it all out, then
s o a k
some dreams resemble an absolution
slight insight into subconscious confusion
not last night
not this morning
either
these don't need any working out or
glamor
just wash it  a w a y

I would've fallen in love with you before ever seeing your face
You just happened to be the most beautiful woman in the world

something shifts & suddenly you're discussing the weather
basic conversation replaces the words you so eloquently painted with your mouth  
what did I used to say to you
when i wasn't falling in love over and over again?

falling, tripping  
holding on for dear life
tasting an unfamiliar sip
through another restless night
"you have it in you to love"
i say
as i put up a raging fight  but
when push comes to shove
you dream for the day
all of your ceaseless wrong becomes right

*at the end of the day, we all want the same thing - to love and to be loved

sometimes I feel sad for no reason
I'm conscious of the good but
there are moments that something deeper is felt
yet so completely misunderstood by my own mind

there are evenings when I'm driving my car and feel the impulse to pull over and
immerse myself into the simple things
to distract myself from the deeper things I
cannot understand

almost always
its the same  piece of land
different hour, different day
different weather
playful shadows and celestial fragments of light
are out to play after a cold, rainy yesterday
what is beautiful today may appear flawed tomorrow

sometimes I take photos to remember the way I felt when I captured what I found beautiful in that moment
it isn't just what you see
it's what you feel when you see it

*there is so much ugly in this world, promise me you will try your best to see the beauty

Don’t get me wrong, I looooove the sunshine.

I love the smell

the  t a s t e

the way it thaws my cheek bones and warms my shoulders

But, these rainy days instill something deeper, calmer, even 

everyone is home; wherever that may be 

going about their lives

listening to the same drizzly soundtrack

I kiss the spots I know others have missed
& shake my head
Imagining
what a loss it would be
to not have all of you

I wonder if she knows
Just how infatuated I am
Day after day
How light my shoulders feel
This was never me
I am better this time

I ran  
A devoted runner
In the sense I didn't want to stay
Or settle for something less
I wonder if you know it's different now
I found my home with you

I am not a liar when I say the sky is  brighter and the air feels cleaner
I wonder if you know
If you truly know
Your skin is the only texture I desire.

tell me honey, do I fuel your mind?
so many thoughts are stacking inside of mine, though I'm
frequently running low on words to describe
the manner in which my heart so heavily thrives
as I trace your porcelain skin
with the tips of my fingers, my eyes  
one
two
stray freckles kiss mine

i wanted to inhale every ounce of you
& sometimes i did, but
a muse breaking your heart is enough
to throw it all away  
& under my feet
i will crush those California leaves you so tenderly pressed
under heavy books
all dried up like the feelings you faked for me
every postcard, every handwritten letter
i refuse to reopen
how could i be so blind?
a complete and utter fool for you beauty
your passion
i'm always seeking passion
it's all i could see when your green eyes pierced mine
still burning in the deepest parts of me
i hate you.

as we settled down to talk about your big dreams and former mistakes
I watched you stare off Into the trees
never removing your blue eyes from their leaves
you're feeling it all and
i adore you in these moments
because I too
feel everything

We played one another so romantically.

you glide through my atmosphere
with nothing but grace
i knew i would lose my ability to speak
the moment my hands grazed your face
oh, your face
i don't think you know how stunning you are
i don't think you understand the loss i felt
that night you left my car
i would love you harder than you could ever dream
down to the very core
chase every dreaded nightmare
behind heavy locked doors
for you i will practice patience
the key to keeping you near
a trait i so rarely accompish  
is so simple with you, my dear

I'm surprised I made it home alive
Driving in the pouring rain
Completely drenched in this daydream of you
I know these rain drops are loud
& mean
But how could I possibly hear them
With a voice like yours in my head?
You've stolen my heart, darling
I've had the chance to see you move in front of me
I've touched your skin
Kissed your mouth
Do you understand how much that means to me?
For once
I'm experiencing an insatiable desire to know someone
To feel their everything

My walls are slowly breaking.

my god, you embody admirable beauty
you replenish all the good when my world is crashing
with waves so persistent these rocks must remember
the importance they leave when the tide begins to fall
i'm dying to know, has this sand always been so white?
i find peace in the piles my car is collecting

i beam at the worlds these rocks are collecting
communal homes, no fighting; just beauty
my pale limbs get lost in sand so white
shortly revealing themselves as waves come crashing
sometimes i stand on that rugged pier and i fall
awaiting the swallow of the sea, forgetting what i shouldn't remember

here, the wind is always changing, it will never remember
these impeding worries I've been collecting
it may not be strong enough to catch my fall
but it floods my lungs with beauty
for a moment i feel this high is crashing
a seagull grooms his messy feathers, searching for the white

i tell the gull he's beautiful, despite his lack of white
he distracts me from what i shouldn't remember
in taking flight, i envy his crashing
colliding with the water at such height, i grasp the shells I've been collecting
i notice the tide receding from its path, revealing more beauty
tripping over sand, i race to the pier for one last fall

i attempt to leave but the oceans current begs for another fall
the powdery sand on shore grabs me by the ankles and i'm glowing white
i am flattered by this playful behavior, i'm grateful for its beauty
with you, my dear, my peace of mind is all you must remember
rest assured i will never abandon the memories we are collecting
for it is you, i run to when my world is crashing

i swiftly dodge the sudden rain so violently crashing
in a dreamy state, i observe the drops as they fall
still, my shoes are soaked from where water insisted on collecting
in my rear view i see the sand converts to mud and is no longer white
it doesn't matter though, its not the way i'll remember
a storm could never retract genuine beauty

recounting the days moments, drenched in beauty, i feel my body crashing
time is limited when trying to remember as my eyelids fall
white sand is all i see and i'm buried beneath the pillows I've been collecting

contradictions
they define me, lately
sensing familiarity in your voice
i watch you in my mind
and
i am convinced that
i knew you in a life before this
former reflections disguising themselves as déjà vu
but
i don’t believe in past lives
with my jagged exterior &
clenching fists
i remind myself
no one will fit with me
well
wrap your every limb around mine
& i know
not a single gap will exist

i tore into his body
just the way you taught me
the red dripping liquid contains the demons
you say
the evil, the wrong
this is what you told me
when your knife sliced my skin
ripping, tearing, oozing
if you only let them
maybe these demons
would have done it for you
eating away my flesh
my soul
he screams the way you made me
his bruises are purple
resembling mine on christmas
hidden under blankets
his blood
shines a most beautiful maroon
i dont want him to feel anymore
the way i do
the way you do

I never really wanted you
Or your baggage
Lucky for you
I never did see through any of it's shady pockets
& lucky for me
It's no Italian leather
No glitz, no glam
So keep those zippers zipped
Because i don't care
Not like you think i do

the most exquisite love
remains selfless
&bottomless;
with a perpetual flutter
of the heart
& soul

you know the moment
the one when someone crawls across your mind all day
completely saturating it &
before the day is over
they find some way of reaching you
it's as if despite the distance &
the silence
they can still see into your mind
maybe
they just spent half the day
dwindling upon the same wavelength as you
in fact
its exactly like that
i always know that
if i think hard enough
sooner or later
your precious words will dance with mine
in a place of their own
it's that moment in time when you question fate &
its existence

or is it simply coincidence?

sometimes
it only takes one human being
to awaken ones true self again
all it takes
is the smallest exchange of words &
the you
you thought was lost and buried in the trenches
reveals itself untouched
the dullness of living escapes
from every inch of your body &
is replaced by the colors that surround her
she was my muse
the most beautiful
inspiring
passionate woman to step into my world
belonged to someone else
& yet
i am forever tainted with her ethereal presence

& for that i am grateful.

I'll keep drinking my coffee, but i'm afraid of the crash
the life i've lived lying in front of me in tiny remnants
staring at the basket, i wish to smell that sweet orange
i wish i felt something when my young sister dances
"just open your eyes" she said "you will see the pathway"
darling, you know i would, but i'm afraid to peek

"But i remember you running in the dark, never reluctant to peek
you knew that i had you, i'd never let you crash
i crushed all of the sticks under my feet, creating a pathway
all you had left were the shameful remnants
at the end of the night you said that the leaves did their dances
don't you remember when i picked you that orange?"

she thinks i can smell that sweet scent of an orange
i'm certain i could, if i were back at my peak
those were the times i could join in on her dances
the days when beauty could revoke the crash
before my soul felt scattered to remnants
an illuminating light created my pathway

"sister, my darling, your pathway is gold
the grass that surrounds it turns orange from light
soon all the green will be remnants of dark
the sun will shine bright from the peak
the crash you are feeling only hurts for a while
it all blows away when the leaves do their dances"

my sister she dances at the thought of this all
leaving her pathway of charm and beauty
i've never seen such perfection crash or come close
her twirling body, her orange locks
falling gently at the peak of her shoulders

my sister she left me her remnants of toast
i watch her continue her dances of joy
she noticed me peak as i sipped on my tea
her pathway, large enough for us both to enjoy
i peeled the last orange, breathed in its citrus scent
the empty tea mug made a crash in the sink

we can pretend that we're just friends
the depth of our emotions reaching just above the heart
careful not to drop any further
or our ways are bound to part

we can pretend that i'm not hoping
that your feelings are close to mine
ignore these useless butterflies
i do this every time

we can pretend that i'm not falling
deeper into your eyes
locking me in
and holding me captive
trying not to cry

we can pretend that i'm not broken
seeing you with her
but pretending only gets you so far
what's left is only hurt

Kaila
you say that we all make mistakes
your dizzy vision &
sloppy decisions
account for the kiss you never intended
to happen
you say that alcohol weakened your inhibitions
i say it weakened what we have
if you kiss her once
you might kiss her twice
i tell you more in spite
but
remember how hurtful my words can be
should they cut you?
and rip at your heart
the way you tore at mine?

moonlight dances softly between branches
marking its territory on the cold
lonely leaves
crunching beneath the soles of my feet
temporarily drowning out the sounds
of the night
placing my hand over the damp bark
breathing in its earthy scent
an innocent bat falls
from his beloved tent
cradled in my ***** palms
fur as soft as a rabbits undercoat
wings fragile
thin
together we embrace our faults

It's cold outside &
i crawl into bed
drowning myself in a sea
of blankets
my tired bones crave sleep
but my roused mind
wins the fight
with a brief taste of
an unconscious state
relentless thoughts expire
eyes grow heavy
body sinks into the mattress like
a stone in water
& in that very moment of warm safeness
I can finally breathe
without
you

I crave to know your dreams
your fears
what makes you scream?
where do you go
when you want to be alone?
what does the skin feel like
over your bones?
how do you cope
when your world feels at stake?
what can i do to
make your legs shake?
i ache to see your face
beneath the moon
i yearn to feel the thoughts you keep
inside your room

I don't even know you
but my heart must
because when I imagine your body
standing in front of me
my fingers trace your outline
and my mind
convinces me
that I know what you feel like

what a pity
that a love
so profound
so ubiquitous
in my blood
dispersed itself outside of
me
without permission from the heart
that was
its home