Someone asked me the other day
"Do you like her?"
I thought for a second and smiled,
"Yes, yes I do."

"God, you're such a lesbian!"
I smiled and replied with,
"I know."
And kept on walking.

Later in the day
People were staring at me
And
Calling me names.

I held my head up
High
And smiled.

Nobody will stand in my way.

"I woke up."
   And wished I was dead.
"I walked through the house."
   Like a zombie.
"I kissed and hugged my mother."
   And my body was in so much pain.
"I ate my breakfast."
   And felt sick to my stomach.
"I grabbed my clothes and got dressed."
   But I stared at my scars and cuts first.
"I started my schoolwork."
   And wished I could disappear.
"I turned in assignments."
   But I already knew what my grades would be.
"I ate lunch; I had a sandwich."
   I didn't want to eat. Why do they make me?
"I went back and did more school."
   And wished I wasn't alive; did I mention that already?
"I did my chores."
   And thought of all the ways I could leave.
"I ate dinner."
   Because they always make me eat.
"I did more school until ten."
   Then collapsed into bed, not wanting to exist.
"I laid in my bed wide awake, thinking, until about two a.m."
   I didn't want to sleep 'cause I don't like nightmares.
"I thought about life, conversations, etc."
   Ways I could off myself, why I hate myself, etc.
"I finally fell asleep around two-fifteen."
   The nightmares get worse and worse.
   Please don't make me do it again.
   I don't want to live another day.
   Please don't make me live life.
"Then the day started again when I woke up at about five."
   *Please.

I wrote letters
for myself
five years from now
telling him
that it's okay
to cry
once in a while
that tears
are not a sign
of weakness
but an emotion
taking shape
freeing itself
from the binds of body.

I comfort him
with lies
telling him
that if he waits
eventually
everything will
turn out
fine,
that the fire
won't burn as much
if left untouched

I tell him
that broken guitars
can sing too.
Out of tune
maybe
but the melody
is there
howling
on the moon
and the shadows
are its audience.

I convince him
to tuck himself on bed
every night
and sleep
to count the sheep
and drift away
without the help
of tears.

I tell him
that I hope
five years from now
that he reads
these letters,
that i pray
it won't be left
unread
collecting dust
in the corner
of an empty room
deprived of joy
and life.

In the house of waiting
sheltered from the worst of weather
the worst of direct experience of the worst Mankind can inflict.
Ah! Yes! not forgetting the flaws of myself, which can be the worst of the worst I fain would not wish to experience,
who needs a devil with Mankind around, the fool of its own making.

She kept a warmth for me for many years
And never told me
So as time passed
And spells were cast
I at last
Catch onto the drift
I feel the rift
Crease into my thoughts
When I discover the news
That I belonged in your heart
Now missed opportunity has deterred us apart
Where do I start?
I wish you left your doubts absconded
And let your bravery unleash
So you could of had a better outcome
Than what happened instead
This causes so much sadness in my head
I wish you said something
I could of prevented all the scorn you had to experience
What a serene change that would be

Every day I don't see you

Leaves me a little misted

I hope that you'd come and clear me up

I never liked morning fog

I'd run to you like a morning jog

Seeing you in running gear is a sight

For the morning for sure

Just about anything you wear

Brings my heart upstairs

For every time you think nobody cares

I live to dare

By instantly denouncing your statements

Because they're causing me abatements

With my heart

With my passion for you

Music to my ears

Would be to hear a confident sentence come out of your mouth and mean it

Nothing would elate me more

That pretty voice of yours needs that sparkle

Trust is like a flower;
Every time you break it
You rip off a petal and stamp it into the concrete

Trust is like a butterfly;
Every time you betray it
You break a wing and render it flightless

Trust is like a brick wall;
Every time you crush it
You chip away at the cement
You knock out the cornerstone

I still have petals
I still have wings
I still have mortar
I still have bricks
And here I stand
Albeit unsteady
But I am ready
Yes, I am ready.