she tells me through tears

you want me to fix you but i can't.

i look up at her as my brows unfurrow
and my clenched teeth relax.

and all i can think is,

well, if you can't then who can?

but the answer is clear

it's me.

and my eyes turn into waterfalls.

i escaped 2,226 miles away

in hopes of finding
what i've been missing

in hopes of escaping
your
deadpan
tight-lipped
cold stare

in hopes of
peace

what i've been missing
all along
is me

overshadowed by the
hatred of myself
built by you

overshadowed by the
thoughts of suicide

why would i want
to be me when
my own family doesn't
seem to want me

and i know i'm not
the only one with a
story like that but

knowing so doesn't really make
this much easier to handle

i will admit that
i've had a lot of help
and i'm beyond lucky
to have the family i chose

they teach me things like

just because you used to be
doesn't mean you have to be

and

patience and kindness can
tear down the tallest walls

the ones i’ve spent my whole
life building just so i didn't
have to feel all of that **** again

but i’ve been
getting better at getting better
at 2,226 miles away

i think i’ll stay

the mist from my dope
coping mechanism
tickles my nose and my lips

the corners of my mouth
pulled upward as my eyes
turn to slits

i sink into the couch

cuddle my dog

ahhh, i ******* love this

looking at
sedona red
rock layered majesties

against bright, cerulean sky
and marshmallow clouds
droplets dripping, pecking our cheeks

sitting on
the balcony of a casita
holding hands with my peace

surrounded by forest green
and buzzing honey bees
they mingle with the flowers

and i mingle with my peace

sometimes it seems there
is no escape from your mind
when life twists your light.

you can't recognize
yourself anymore after
all your stars collide.

on the horizon
of the black hole in your life
full of lessons past.

self-destructive mind
remembering the heartbreak,
the ungentle death

of a giant cloud,
pain so hot that you explode
birthing brighter stars.

but you still feel small.
smaller than the Earth you walk
that is smaller than

the Sun it circles
around, that is smaller than
the galaxy it

floats in, smaller than
the universe they reside.
But they don't know they're

small, and neither should
you, full of galaxies. you
are a universe.

but a universe
can yield violence beyond
comprehension. with

every heartbreak, and
with every tear, a lesson
making you think twice--

did i do this right?
everything has a lifespan,
not a forever.

these are not times you should wish to reverse,
these are just the actions of a restless universe.

to be honest with you,
i didn't plan on making it this far.

i didn't plan anything at all.

and i'm always baffled by my lack of motivation,
but i forget i've already made my biggest accomplishment by

being here today.

we grab too tightly
at that which is not ours.

and wish so hard for hearts
with heads lost in the stars.

reach out for some attention
from minds racing fast as cars.

seek love and affection
from hearts trapped behind bars.

forgetting to look in the mirror
and first mend our own scars.