The emptiness I feel with her
carves a hollowness within my soul
so large is the cave between my ribs
her numbing cries create echoes.

Hands tied to hers though nothing's left
we try so hard to forever forget about
the loneliness that hangs heavy between us
the memories we've failed, the love we doubt.

We collapse and cry holding one another
but we refuse to let our passion go
our misery feeding off of each other
our poisonous love is drowning us slow.

I can't lose her,
not this one,
not this time.
She is everything I've waited for,
she fits perfectly in my life.
I can't think of it,
I'm begging her not to hide,
she's making me lose my mind,
did I lose my mind?
Did I? No.
Did I? No.
Did I lose my mind? "NO."
I tell myself as I remember all
the times my grandpa said he
knew a shortcut and it took us
twice as long to get where we
were going.
I want her to meet him one day
just so I can turn to him and say,
"hey grandpa, this is my girlfriend."
And if he falls of his chair so be it,
cuz I know my grandma will be
looking down at me smiling,
happy to see just how happy she makes me.
My grandma she will never get to meet,
the one woman who was so important to me,
but she will know how much she meant,
she already knows, and she will find pieces
of her in every other person in my family,
she'll find in them just where I got my crazy.
I'll just have to remind her that no matter
how long it took us, my grandpa always
got us to our destination,
and I promise myself that her and I,
we will most definitely get to mine.
There is no doubt in my mind that she is
the one I want in my life.

Your words have left me hopeful once again,
they seep into the cracks between each of my bones,
entering my bloodstream, through my veins,
creating a euphoric feeling I can't seem to shake.
My love for you grows each day,
I'll never leave your side,
I'll be here until the day I die,
I feel the weight of this beneath my ribs,
but I love the ache, it keeps me going,
it reminds me that you're here on this earth,
whether or not you are mine,
you make every day more beautiful,
your existence takes my breath away.

I met you when the night was in your eyes
it never seemed to leave, i noticed, only subside.
I told you our love making was like the ocean tide
coming up to shore but falling back and leaving
droplets on sand like tears because even the ocean
cries though the moon shines bright illuminating
its present company at night.

I watched you crumble as I grew to love you
grasping at the empty air wishing that I could
only be there to hold you up when your knees
gave way and made you fall but even in my
absence you knew I would be there to answer
your call and you knew I had no intention
of abandoning your side at all.

I told my heart to beat faster for you,
to grow stronger for you,
to work longer for you.
I taught myself to find comfort in the dark so
that within your darkness I would again
discover the beauty of light.  Maybe the ocean
has a moon but my gravity has not kept me
centered and the arrow on my compass only
points to you and I know I should be walking
but I've found myself running head first toward you:
my moon, my ocean, my shore.

When I was younger I used to
catch butterflies in the flowered fields.

Now when I speak your name,
the butterflies catch me.

It's like i'm standing at the bottom of the Grand Canyon at 3:27 am and i'm screaming your name screaming and screaming and it feels like the whole world can hear it but it bounces off the cold rock and the only answer I get is the echo of my scratchy voice that somehow made it's way out of my throat that is now raw from the endless need to receive a response and it's making my head pound and it seems like lately you are no where to be found and i'm just trying to make it home but I don't think I can carve people out of stone and I may be able to build a house in the sand but they say 'home is where the heart is' and my heart is where you are and I am where you're not so a house made of sand would do no good except to shade me from the desert sun when it awakens over the canyon but truthfully I'd rather burn up down here than drink one drop of water just so I could remember one last time how my body filled with heat when you'd say my name and my heart would stop when your light took away my last bit of pain.

They say, "they're just words,"
and they say, "they're just numbers,"
so then why the hell do I feel myself getting older,
and why the **** can I feel your rhymes in my bones?

They may be just words,
and they may be just numbers,
but they are killing me,
thinning my skin right down to my bones,
shedding off layers until there's nothing left,
my mind is a mess I can't make it stop,
this illness consumes me and leaves me
able to consume nothing at all
except all of those words and all of those numbers.

Sadly, I am those words, I am those numbers.

For a second I understood what it felt like to be a drum
with an empty center that reverberated every time it was hit
just so everyone else could enjoy the music.

But now I see the drum for all that it is
it is not just emptiness
it creates that sound
it moves people
it evokes emotion

I am the drum
I am the whole drum
I am not defined by the emptiness
pounding me no longer wounds me
now I can listen to the music
now I am strong.

"You'll catch your death," she said as I swam into the cold ocean.
"I hope I do," I replied as I let myself fall beneath the surface.

I found strength
in all the pain that you caused.

Her body's soft glow
creates moonbeams in my eyes.
I was always blind.

As I stand on the platform edge in the city where no one stops for anything,
I wonder if they would stop for me if I threw myself into the air,
bursting into a million pieces just as the train sped through,
making every single one of my dreams come true.

Would they stop and watch,
would they scream in fear,
would they stare in awe,
would they see me shine?

A million stars died to make me whole,
imagine what I could create as I let my soul escape,
as my remains fall softly to the faces of passerby's,
whether it be my own blood or their own tears,
that feeling, that emotion, the life, the death,
imagine the impact I could make,
imagine the life I could create.

*Walk in the way of my soft resurrection.

Though in my life she
ceases to exist, my heart
beats for only hers.

How can I sleep
when her absence
has it's fingers
gripped tightly
around my throat
and my patience
has slipped away
with my last breath
and my words can't
make her stay? My
eyes refuse to close
until they see her
by my side hand in
hand with no
distractions her voice
ringing in my ears
and my heart
radiating with joy.

There is a deep sadness building
up inside this chest.

The cavity protecting this weak
heart is caving in.

This skull is cracking from the
bitter thoughts that run endlessly
through this brain.

These fingers are growing cold
from the lack of warmth they
find when they reach out to
find nothing waiting.

This stomach churns at the
thought of you never being
here.

These legs grow restless when
they only long to run to you.

These lips quiver when they
have no chance of speaking
with you.

These lungs can't breathe
without your breath
entering my mouth.

How will this body survive,
if it does not have you near?

I hope you are fast asleep in your warm and cozy bed,
I'll send happy thoughts your way,
I can't tell you myself since you walked away.

My arms pull her close to my chest
so that she can lay her head above my heart
and listen to it beat like a ticking clock
where she can keep time and remember she’s alive.
Together we watch the headlights of cars
line shadowed walls in the silence
that is only broken by our synchronized breaths.
I watch her eyelids fall like dying stars,
with much more grace it takes my breath away,
a vision not everyone is blessed to see,
the moonlight’s glow on her dark hair has hypnotized me.
How could I ever long to sleep?

You don't need to be
the brightest star in the sky
to be someone, my dear.

Everything you do in life
will matter, please don't fear.

The love you share,
the words you say,
the dresses that you make,

a smile on his face,
a laugh from her lips,
the confidence gained
from the dress that fits.

You don't have to be
the brightest star in the sky
to be someone, my dear.

Every breath you take,
every word, every stitch,
every step you make,

effects another,
one change at a time,
making you somebody,
stitching together you.

I haven't written your name in so long,
though I've been uttering it for days.
My distractions from you have come and gone,
now I'm left with fabricated memories,
dead-end hopes and fantasies.
I stopped writing poems months ago,
when you left the metaphors faded,
now my eyes have reopened and are
searching for signs of black tulips,
but spring is long gone,
Earth has turned golden.

Walking into a familiar shop,
I had seen it before in other dreams,
a little old lady smiled at me.

I said I was just looking,
she said it was fine,
didn't notice a wicked gleam in
her eye.

I looked at the bag
I had looked at before,
the price was the same,
it was too much, I swore.

I looked back to my left,
and over my shoulder,
glanced at some pictures
that were not much older.

Wait. A closer look.
Each one. One after the
other after the other after the other.
A sea of photos of a strawberry blonde.

Bathing suits and beaches,
dresses and weddings,
ponytails and pigtails,
over and over and over.

Three years old,
four years old, five, seven, ten.
Where the **** did she get them?

Sweat beading on my body,
though I'm still in shock,
I fall back from the wall,
was this done just to mock?

I look over at her,
that wicked old one,
who looked so nice and sweet before
all of this ****.

I looked at her and through
those ******* messed up
eyes I only saw him.

'Where did you get them? Where? How?'
'Where did you get them? Tell me.'
'WHERE THE **** DID YOU GET THEM? TELL ME NOW'

Body lost control. I'm on the floor.
Curled in a ball. The numb returns.
I am sobbing uncontrollably, heaving.
I cannot breathe. I cannot feel.

'Where did you get them? Where did you get them?' 'Where did you get them?'

I'm chanting to myself.

Again I cannot move, I have been there before,
away from the one who ****** me up,
those eyes are always ******* in my mind.

I look up to see my mom looking through the door,
her brow furrowed,
she knows she can do no more.

No more because they won.
No more because it's over.
No more no more no more.

I never got my answers,
They're always looking back,
those wicked smiles and evil eyes.
Those demons in my safe haven.
No more no more no more.

*Where did you get them?

When your words cease nightly,
I lose sleep craving them.

Collar Bones
Hip Bones
Shoulder Blades
Spine.

I will teach myself
to forget my name
and the names of many others
so that when Sunday comes
I'll be able to lay in peace
and remember who I am
without the world's influence
at play.
I lose myself
throughout each week
as each new person that I meet
pulls me apart
and places their judgments;
they only see light
but I remember the dark,
I like to let it come out and play,
the dark that made me most of
what I am today.
Everyone else is so afraid
to stick their fingers
in the holes inside my soul
that ooze the light.
Why is everyone so afraid
of the dark?

At the end of the day,
only you can make you happy.

The distance between sun and moon,
forever chasing each other,
never catching up,
running in circles,
light to dark,
that's our love,
it's never enough.
But unlike heavenly bodies,
I've grown tired,
I'm giving up.

I drowned my pages in letters and words,
under trees found behind museums hidden in parks,
near rocks, under stars that were hidden by daylight,
in a touch shared by lovers holding hands in sight,
through flower gardens and wings of birds taking flight.

I drowned my pages in letters and words,
in sleepless nights and twisted lullabies,
on strangers faces as they stroll down the street,
crunched up and thrown out on old receipts,
under the blazing sun in the summer heat.

And so New York made me a coffee drinker,
so that I wouldn't miss a step,
looking for letters and words to drown my pages in,
losing sleep from thoughts that need to be written,
over people who have hurt me and need to be forgotten,
and others who are loving and always have been genuine.

Lying in the grass,
gloomy skies above,
feelings of emptiness,
eyes don't focus,
staring blankly,
not even staring,
drops of rain fall from the sky,
not feeling them hit your skin,
not even flinching,
nothing.
I am nothing.

I'm in love,
that's all there is to it,
the feelings will never end,
she's beautiful,
her soul's filled with goodness,
you'll have to take my word,
I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

To be able to tell you all the things I am thinking,
all the ways I want to heal you,
to listen to the stories of how each scar
has been etched into your soul,
this would mean the world to me,
I want to hear, I want to know.

Lying on your side,
your eyes focused right on mine,
I would search the depths,
I would look through the golden brown,
to find that place that you keep hidden,
to see your darkness,
and to fill it with my light.

Soft hands on your cheek,
as I wipe away the salty tears
that fall slowly.
I say, "if you want salt water,
let me take you to the ocean".
Would you let me or would
you walk away?

If only I could tell you,
if only you would let me
show you the love I have for you,
would you understand,
but instead i beg,
"let me hear, let me know".

Through your fingertips I feel your soul,
the sensation sends my blood surging through my veins,
straight into my beating heart.
I will rip my chest open,
cracking through my ribs,
and let my intoxicated blood rush into the palms of my hungry hands,
just so I can have a taste of your sweet, sweet spirit.

Gone, gone, gone.
         Here, here, here.
         Don't leave me.
I'm not
         You're thinking about it.
         You promised.
I promised.
You promised.
Never enough, never enough.*

Stay                                    *I have to walk away

Happiness flashes through me like a lightening bolt;
here, gone.

The light from the hallway filters into the room,
and all I can think of is always you.
The light to my dark, you could light up the sky,
your beauty which has no reason or rhyme.