caffeine crutch
restless midnight rush
memorize words to pinpoint precision
leaning on a coffee cup
fuel for cognitive ignition
unproductive nocturnal emission
of restless sighs
and tears from tired eyes
mesmerized
hypnotized
out of mind
passing time
dreary dreamer
2am alpha wave fighter
front line gunner
of disappointment in the making
time wasting
consciousness fading
daylight breaking
clock resetting

I am a structure, hastily built
Cemented within my chest, the weight of the world
Burdens of nations, plastered on my shoulders
My base starts to move
How long til I crumble

Maybe I should just stop this
Hours on end, waiting
Everytime I tell myself to stop
You come back to life in vivid detail
Every smile from your lips
Every glorious moment of your laughter
All the joy, all the love, all the pain
Comes back
Open doors lead to dead ends
So maybe I should just stop this

To: R

I want you to know that the way I feel for you is too great to be able to put in words

I want you to know that what you are to me is far more than just a love
No, you're more than that

I want you to know that I'm drowning in a pool of emotions, and it's all for you, only you, always you

I want you in my life
It's just that maybe somehow you don't see that

And that's okay

Maybe it's just that life is always in the way and there's no way in hell that I can be as important to you as your everyday life

And no, I don't blame you

I don't blame you that each time I reach out to you, you don't notice me the way that I think you will

I don't blame you that when I talk to you, you ignore the fact that I want more than just a simple hello maybe because you don't see me the same as everyone else

I don't blame you that you don't return my calls, nor that your only excuse everytime is that you're busy

I don't blame you for being independent

I don't blame you for having a life

I don't blame you for not seeing me as a first option

I don't blame you for your lack of interest sometimes, hell I don't blame you for your lack of attention

I don't blame you for the way you make me feel when we see each other

I don't blame you for the times that when our eyes meet, I come undone

I don't blame you for having me on a pedestal, a travesty for everyone to see

I don't blame you for keeping me up at night, just wondering what the hell you could possibly be doing

I don't blame you for making me have these thoughts

I don't blame you for the anchors in my chest

I don't blame you for the times I doubted what would become of this

I don't blame you for making me hope

I don't blame you for this letter

I don't blame you for these tears

I don't blame you for making me feel this way

I don't blame you for making me fall

No, I don't blame you for anything

This is my fault from the beginning

I knew you'd be something special, it's just that maybe you see the world in a different light

See, I want you in my life so bad, but  it just can't be so

I just wanted you to know that I can't have you, and this is all my fault

I love you

I have to give up on you, so this is goodbye

When we were children
We learned to fight
Fight the monsters
Under our bed
But how do you fight
How do you fight
The monsters in your head

Lock me up
Throw away the key
Walk away
Maybe then will you understand
How much I'm willing
To wait for you

You **** me in different ways
But I'd still choose you
Because you break my heart like no one else does

I was ready

Swallowing all anxiety like a pill

Armed with nothing but words

Consumed with mere prediction

Intoxicated with imagination

I was ready

Stepping on my demons to reach you

You're in my head, you're always in my head

Yet you're not in my sights, you've never been in my sights

Not since that night, that fateful night

I struggle to accept that my timing is once again errant, as I struggle to write for you better lines

I am armed with words, words for only your ears

But only air and dust greet me in the place that you should be

My words, you will never hear, but it's you that I crave to see

So who's the real loser here?

Clearly it's me

I'm running out of time
You're slipping from my mind

I'm running out of time
Dear, this is our decline

I'm running out of time
We could be so sublime

I'm running out of time
Dear, I'm making up my mind

I'm running out of time
Not leaving you behind

But I'm running out of time
I'm running out of time

Subsistence.
Do I dare look at you and dream
You open the floodgates

Subsistence.
You pause, you play
You burn the flame

Subsistence.
Do I dare dream of you and look
Sleep is my substance

Subsistence.
You run your fingers through stripes
You rewind

Subsistence.
Do I dare?
I do

Subsistence.
We are the nightmare
Substance is my sleep