To love and to be in love are very different.

you let go of your latch on me
I try to stay afloat but
I'm left drowning
I thought you're handing me the rope
to pull me up but
instead you tied an anchor
at the end of it
and let me sink to the bottom
you left me in the darkness
of the bottom of the ocean
while you go back to
your own side of darkness
under the starless
and moonless nights
and then you said to me;
"I just want to be alone"

mom? dad?
i’m drowning.
swimming towards the light above,
astringent tears fill my lungs.
mom? dad?
i can’t breathe.
miniscule doses of albuterol
escaping from my little plastic inhaler
stand meager in the eyes of the overly developed fear,
prying its way up the lengths of my throat.
mom? dad?
there’s a stranger in my room.
i stand in front of the mirror
waiting for my reflection;
waiting to see that little girl,
bright, blue eyes, wide smile.
but there’s a stranger there instead;
bloodshot eyes,
inflamed scores down her cheeks,
reaking of poor judgement and broken promises.
mom? dad?
i can’t hear the music.
the floor is varnished with broken cds,
torn-up sheets of abandoned lyrics,
mutilated “i love you”s;
but the record player is still on.
turning and turning
yet i don’t hear a single note,
my senses are paralyzed
by the blow of my demolished heart.
mom? dad?
they won’t stop talking.
people.
people in my head.
voices loud as they scream profanities,
soft as they whisper lullabies,
stern as they bellow punishments.
i can’t make sense
of those who twist and tug on my heart strings
and those who wish to elongate them.
i need out.
mom? dad?

they tremble in fear, perspiring, shaking, shuddering.
for these hands are terrified.

not for the things that would seem obvious,
not a serial killer, or a deadly disease, or a difficult test

these hands, they are afraid of their owner.

because they know what she will do with them
when her heart is too heavy
and the tears flood into an ocean

as she draws her pain with the blades
they can't stop her.
they can't convince her she's better than this,
that it isn't worth her death.

these hands can only shake and tremble in fear.

TRIGGER WARNING


                             cold
                         addictive
                          pleasing

           Streaks of red stain my tears.
         Their words replay in my head

                 slash. slash.*

         More marks of disappointment,
           Another step closer to dying,
   When will I finally be done with this?

               No more long sleeves,
                    No more shame,
  I want people to think of a happy girl
          When they hear my name.

  I'm sick of feeling so sick and strange
   All because of how I deal with pain.
                  If you had my life,
         You'd probably do the same.  
The razor takes all the bad things away

s.c

Sometimes I hate self control

Why don't you just eat?
No
I can't

Why don't you just sleep?
No
I can't

Sometimes I need the self control

Why don't you just cut?
No
I can't

Why don't you just **** yourself?
No
I can't

Isn't it odd that
Self control
Both hurts
And helps me?

She doesn't know
But I think I love her
And I think that I want her
To be mine
She doesn't know
But talking to her
Makes me smile like
I've just won the lottery
She doesn't know
But even writing this
I get a pang in my stomach
From a storm of butterflies
She doesn't know
But no one compares to her
She doesn't know
But everyone else does