An empty soul with nothing to lose

My father sees nothing
I don't let him in
I show him his little girl
The little girl who wasn't afraid to have her front tooth knocked out by the big kid next door
I show him the fake smile and let him hear the fake laugh
"How are you?"
I'm well, just breathing
"That's great kiddo"
I can see the worry in his eyes
He's catching on to my lies
He can see the void of emotion in my eyes
And hear the desperation in my voice
"It's going to be okay"
I wish I could believe you dad

My mother sees laziness
No effort
Someone who has given up
"You have to stop being so sad"
I'm not ******* sad mom
I want to **** myself
My mother sees shyness
She doesn't see me breaking down in tears
The fear in my eyes when I leave the house
"Stop being so anxious over nothing"
It's not nothing mom
I'm afraid to live
She doesn't see that
She sees what she wants to see
Not what the doctor has told her 800 times
That if she doesn't help I won't make it to see 25

Flowers grew where you stood and gardens grew wherever you would walk
When you touched me flowers grew in my veins and weeds clung to my lungs
After you left the flowers and weeds died
Replaced with longing, a longing that grew from the inside out.
But I wouldn't change a thing because for a short period of time
You left spectacular gardens on my skin

Let's talk about your hair and how it was always falling your face
How during the summer red highlights would dance in the sun and in the winter it was always pushed into a hat to keep it safe from the cold
You used it as a shield to keep the world from seeing the void of emotion in your eyes
But when you met him
You no longer played with the bouncy curls that swayed from left to right
You had them pinned down in place
So afraid to have a single hair out of place
So afraid of not being perfect for a single second

You made me laugh in 5 minutes
You made me think about the future in 2 hours
You kept me awake until 1AM
You showed me how to smile again in 10 hours
Now I have you on my mind 24 hours