i haven't left my bed in almost 2 days
the blankets keep me sheltered and safe
there's love in these blankets
here i am free to be me
free to be black
free to be gay
just free
there is no one telling me to "go pick cotton" or to "get to the back of the bus"
i'm allowed to love who i want without worrying someone is going to throw a brick at me
there are no slurs in here
i'm free
*i'm safe

Spread out on worn silk sheets
Listening to Billie Holiday
A cup of tea goes cold
Wrapped together in one blanket
Turning two into one
Filling the small space with love
All on a Friday afternoon

Fuzzy and warm
The feeling spilling over my whole being
Drinking to forget
Forgetting to drink
*Warm wine filling the spaces you once called home

I want to kiss the side of your neck and leave it at that
I want to leave warm kisses all over your neck
I want to turn a few minutes of making out into hours of finding love
I want to give you goosebumps, turning your skin into braille
Writing a poem about the ****** of our love

suicide is never the easy way out
it seems like it is
but it never is
you'll leave behind a wave of pain
a hurt that will rob everyone of a certain kind of happiness
it will cause others to ache deep within
they'll never repair themselves
your sadness will be theirs **forever

Lying dormant for years
Hiding from shame and blame
The sun is slowly setting
Shunning the world that now sits in ruins
Loved ones are out of reach now
There's no more time for hiding
You have to fight back
**The time is now

Most people hoard items
I hoard memories
a leaf you picked up
a valentines day card you made
Most people hoard items
I hoard "I love you's"
The first "I love you" that was whispered on my roof
The last "I love you" that was screamed in your room at your mom's house
Most people try to explain away their hoarding
I can't do that I can't explain why I'm hoarding the past

Oscar Wilde once said something about death that i can no longer remember, but I know it was beautiful.
it had something to do with how there’s no more today or tomorrow.
how time becomes irrelevant
there is no more past
there is no more future
it’s just you
the wildflowers
and the soft spring breeze

So tired
So so so tired
5
10
15
20
hours of sleep
Chasing depression with a dream of better days

I'm a shipwreck
Not a traditional wreck
No I'm shipwrecked on the beach
My lungs are full of sand
The sun is burning my eyes
I can't see the world around me
I don't want to go down with this ******* ship

She was in church thinking about him, praying God wouldn't notice
He had cut open her chest to steal her heart
She tried to fill the empty space by planting wild flowers in her lungs
Wild flowers wrapped around her lungs
She had become an overgrown garden
Lungs collapsing, begging for forgiveness one last time

I have blisters on my feet
From chasing after your "I love you's"
I asked the doctor if I was experiencing phantom voice syndrome
She just shrugged her shoulders and said "kid you can't live in the past forever"
But every time I pass the skid marks on the interstate I swear I hear you screaming
Now I have blisters on my feet
Chasing the voice of a ghost

What if one day all the pictures you had of me suddenly didn't exist?
What if you heard my favorite song and you knew the words but you could't figure out why you knew the words? Would you write it off as it just being a catchy song or would you think, think about all the memories and all the laughter bubbling around you. Slowly suffocating you, forcing you to remember what you did to me. What would you do if you ran into my mother and you couldn't look her in the eye because you know what you did. It was never me, it was always you. It was give give give and take take take. Now I'm giving you every single memory because you can't feign memories, they'll always hold a candle light in the back of your mind

you will never stop growing
and growing
and growing
and growing
*until you reach the sun

would you rather be dead or haunted by all your past mistakes?
would you rather be dead or haunted by lost loves?
would you rather be dead or haunted by a future you’ll never have?
*would you rather be dead or haunted?

I dare you to tell the truth.
Tell the truth for once in your life
Stop telling everyone those sickly sweet lies everyone wants to hear
Tell the ******* truth.
I double dog dare you to tell the truth.
Tell the truth about that night
Stop telling everyone what they want to hear
Just tell the ******* truth
I dare you to tell the truth
I dare you
I dare you
I dare you
tell the truth

getting drunk on the thought of you on a friday night
simple, yet lovely
twirling around my room
a vision of you, spread out in the dazzling sunlight
filters through my mind
i can almost touch you, almost hold you in my arms
you are so beautiful
don't leave
saturday morning, hungover but still thinking of you

words flow from my mind to the tips of my fingers
first jumbled on the page, slowly fixing themselves
you, the reader soak up my words, digest them
giving the words a meaning, you bring my words to life
taking in the love that i've left on the page

Depression ft anxiety
its one hell of a show
ups and downs
you can binge watch it for days
weeks
months
**even years

can i get a deathbed for one?
and that’s not just a metaphor
i know it looked like i was getting better
but this has been a long time coming
i always said that i wanted to die young to save myself