The way it is is not the end i saw before the last kiss.....
You are the last line of defence before a broken heart.......
A lifetime ago i was your prince...... your still my forever....
Why and what are just words against the promise.....
My promise is that I am always the answer for your struggles......
I love you like i just saw the hope in your eyes.........
And my heart breaks every time i remember my mistake.....
I cant be more forward than asking for your hand......
As mine shakes I cant be anything but reserved.....
You are the love I cant answer but with a sonnet.....
A perfect girl a minute in heaven that you let me believe....
6 years later I wont let you go... Lifetime is a weird conversation....
But sit down and talk... Ill hang on every word....
because you may be the voice that trumps what Ive heard....

Another glass on the rocks as the day glows on the horizon
A 5 am whiskey is now a staple into my challenge
If its me versus everyone than a constant buzz seems mandatory
If god knows what the **** im doin out here than he needs to lead
Pillars are what people see themselves perched on like a buzzard of elite
The dollar a paper with a design now makes strong men break.....
The weight of that currency must be heavy it drags them down
Will another zero after that last make the day any longer.....
Does a platinum credit card mean you are finally stronger???
I waste my days to keep my family in status quo
The whole time im really missin my babies grow
The world i see isnt feeling well.......
Like instead of reaching for heaven we turned towards hell.....
But I still head towards a future more than risky.......
I guess Ill get used to that 5 am whiskey.......

Why do you sneak into my brain like a silent assassin
I think about you as I hold someone else, Ineptitudes laughter
Forces me to run from every comfortable embrace
Like a madman poised on certain madness I whimper by myself
With eyes closed I strain to forget your image and breath on my skin
Your light still holds me as I stared for that last time into your eyes
Alcohol and cigarettes are now the sure sign of remembrance
A quick typing keyboard or a dull broken pencil......
Means that I no longer want to be the life of your party
I can no longer shoulder your pain... Missing her seems like everything
And as i Light one more cigarettte and open one more bottle....
No more tears no more thoughts....  I try not to think about it anymore....

Write like a G is the only way I know now
Like the hustle and flow movie is my life.....
A dollar out of a dime when i dont have a cent theory
Makes sense when I see my credit
But all that material paper isnt the goal
A beautiful life i created is my only success
So if I ever make a dollar out of this sense....
It will always be hers.... Thats my theory.......

Losing a friend does not mean **** to me
Friends are made at bus stops and bars
People are easy to replace because every corner has one
But if you called yourself brother then I cant understand
Money is your defence...  Keep it I thought I was deeper...
Yet ALL my brothers laugh at me today
**** em they sit basck and watch success play my fiddle
Laughter is all they have now and stories of a former me
Your memories wont fade I shut the door on you and all the Memories
I can walk faster than the hope I will forgive you
But **** it you made your point..... I wont answer you ANYMORE
Dead to me is the way i will leave it......
And on my headstone it will say "Missed By True Brothers"

Its been a while... Since words could play rhythym to my mind
forgotten is a word remembered but left on a thought
So i could express the minds melody with vocabulary intelligence
But I havent changed the letters and vowels all lead to the same disaster
Just a keyboard scientist at work in his lab of chaos
Being the monster he zapped with too much knowledge and education
Rhymes dont make enough sense to say I TRIED
But beauty is a sentance away in the mind of a poet.......
And tears are streaming from the face of most....
Our words dictate the world most cant see or concieve....
To write is like a breath our words beat like a heart....
They cant be translated into anything but your understanding.....
but being understood is not why I write
This is my soul left somewhere with a pen or a spreadsheet....
I have nothing to hide..... Open book seems too cliche
But as you read the poems in my mind
I cant say you dont know the real person behind them......

He says the way he was is what I see
The lonely words break my heart
Like a cpr course is the thing I wish I took
To breathe the life back into him when he smiled uncontrollably
The man I am can be hurt same as him
He still says the things that make me wince
A heart transplant of hope comes in a box
Its marked 12 budwieser or 25 cigarrettes
Its ok as long as I wait for your recovery
I know that your hospital of pain was only the beginning

The songs u sing the bottle left with poisons memory
I hear you like a siren of anger so I aim my ship at disaster
The rocks of a cliffs breaking tide entice my broken sails
But a safe port I cannot ignore as I weigh the options of pain or survival
I will go down with this ship no matter its fate
A proud captain is my title and my crew abandons ship
So with my last strength I see only indecision at the helm
Let the current lead me to safety rather than rogue waves to death.....

A knock at my door of hope left a message meant for my heart...
A picture of the life I know with a forcast of a storm I seen slowly start....
"To whom it may concern the jurisdiction of your trials cannot be placed
Like the jury will deliberate a guilt contained in your face
Exhibit a thru z all have your marks and are known to the truth
A charge of negligence cannot be lessened because of ur youth
Prior records all will be weighed
But a bail plea is yours to be made
You can be placed at the scene of your crimes
The evidence is too strong to be wrong every time
May I suggest you settle this with a letter you should have sent from the start
So a restitution payment of pain dosent break your heart
I assume this notice will be enough to make it clear
That you will not be allowed near the ones you hold dear
So as a counsel to your cherised estate
Please don't tempt the supreme court of fate..."

Listen to strained comments that emit from my lips
Or let me hear the top 40 sounds of bewildered innocence
Lay down your arms and admit we were never enemies
Feast on the taste of my kiss as we become fluid lust
In the light of my windows jealous gaze
You reflect the moonlights hypnotized flicker
As my hand lies on the sheets surrounded by your skin
Grasping dear fate allows the reality of time to drift into oblivion
Breathe your beauty against my weak armour
Sigh and become my greatest sin
Laughs perish into a certain goodbye
But before cruel fiction takes you from me
Ill ask a miracle from an angel in my possession
Allow this to be my nightly heavan so I can gaze into your eyes as we drift into forever..
Let love compromise the walls built around my heart
May the impact of your beauty take my breath entirely
Surrender as we both lose our minds because Insanity describes moments
If forever never knocks again than may our tonight remain a rare mistake played by cupid...

As the world became a time like before
Choice and desire led a war with my character
I am not a follower but am led to infinite sin
A source of compassion may change lifetime lessons
Without a shoulder or hand weights do nothing but keep you motionless
Surviving and growth are cousins in a nobel family
Lucky to be near the embrace of a family I know well...
As I survive to fight a battle against the odds
I wonder if growth became content with my standing.....
Now I see the two as twins from a mother called arrogance
Symptoms of failure and disrespect seem to make my choice clear
Like a plant grows toward the sun in harsh conditions
It does more than survive it reaches for the warmth of simple comfort...

asia is the victor of manual labour in croatian tale
a breadbasket of rice left the loser without weight
another favour is a un agreement towards aliied habitat
so a currency isnt the clear way to a refuggee camp
the sheep will someday overpower the treason
but for now lay in the shadow of a communist state

The edge is what the words meant to our juvenile minds
You came like a milkman of crazy like I paid you a subscription
Because the married voice of our desperation may be rocka fella
Don't mean we are gucci chanel postes of imatation handbags
But I sit at the end of a dinner plate admiring your constant behavior
And wondering how a high school misfit still views a. Past excuse as a comment for hate
Might be strong and smile but worried actions equal a cold shiver
A snuggie is the present warmth left by infomercials
I won't say ur the crest of a ohs blue...
But I still appreciate a ******* like you....

Belief in your eyes is not what I see when all I hear is lies....
A familiar taste of hope is watered down by the touch of our skin
It feels so wrong and still makes me shudder when your kiss was a gift
I kept the reciept so I can refund the action for my full emotions
You act like our feelings had a lifetime guarantee...
But look at it closely and you will find Made In Chaos somewhere on the damaged package.
But if you really wanted my consumer report
I'd say the best thing about us is the limited appeal we had on the market

A culture of a lifestyle bred by need maintained by loyalty
Seems so abstract and dilusional in the perception of "normal"
Is the realization the handicap of chemical is perhaps a fairytale
Because everyone wants a happily ever after...
But no one realizes we are happy all the time...
But once upon a time this feeling we
gained from limited choice..
Never held my attention like a story set in the world of make believe
But a swift sorted magical spool or slipper never became reality
So we bit the apple of don't give a **** and became the villain in the story

Sitting in the shell of burden
The sounds of youth blare out of mispent
Time
A simple coincendence I'm at the helm bottle in hand
But a copilot was not in my users manual
So as we check with the tower for clearance on life
The only thing I can thinlk is well an autopilot setting worked before
A honk from a curious stranger means that I am on the radar
Well I guess care and control is a option for authority
But you can't control me and I don't care enough to worry bout it

If it takes six people to carry my coffin....
Than I hope four people have nothing better to do that day...
A chance to be who I once was is not an option anymore...
Like my prayers are all put on hold over the hotline of hope...
All the angels now are tired of my sin...
The halo I once owned is pawned to finance my defiance...
Now i feel like the darkness i invited became a constant companion...
Like a cornered animal I will not be touched....
I can spew the worst parts of life from my body with a voice that refuses to be quiet....
But If i were to paint a picture of my heaven the only color i would need is black....
The words on my tombstone would be simple and clear...
Not loving Father.. Brother or Son....
Not Missed Remembered or Loved....
Simply Liar Addict And Disappointment...
Just a person who had three different names born 1984....
What will be the year after that number...
Gone to soon is like a beautiful way to say never should have been here...
Will I be a thought on anyones mind when im gone???
I hope not I dont want to be anyones burden when I leave....

This is for the imperfect drunk...
The hopeless ******....
I too have been the bottles *****....
Outweighed by a gram....
I seen the world at ground level....
Because shame kept my head heavy like lead...
The world had so many ideas that were spoken in meloncholy tones.....
With so many answers how could i fail.......
As i hurt myself one more time I reached for a band-aid.....
But with tears and pain in my eyes all i got called was failure....
Like a bruised muscle i nursed my broken soul...
And when I realized I no longer wanted superficial assistance....
It was easier on my pride to put down the evil....
Because the lies people fed were spoken taunts....
it may not have a "Why" or a " What"....
But my question is" Why" do you like to judge me when im weak.....
And "What" is the answer that will make you happy...
This is not "What" makes me happy..
"Why" cant you see that??

If he said i was in his image....
He may have been hungover.....
I wish i was at that party....
So a forgotten bro shake was neccessary...
I appeal to the ones whos vision is not clear....
So as we share a bifocal to see the reality.....
like Corey Hart i will wear my sunglasses at night....
And laugh like Wierd Al at the parody of your opinion....
I guess deep inside I refect the side of me no one want to see....
But i guess im in luck I never wanted your appealed acceptance....

If i could say the most of my thoughts in ten words.....
The words would be a simple puzzled strike...
A lash out on the grins of content fools...
"Believe while you dream attrocities
              Not attainable to
               broken hearts"....

The drunken dance of our war torn hearts are just the echo of a better time in my shattered mind....
The laughter of the peak of hapiness is just a cruel mask to temporary solitude...
Bring me back to my home or at least the castle in memories and stay safe in my arrogant tower...
Let your pedastal stand in hoarded surroundings so my clutter looks up to something...
Ill pull myself together and break the spell of shattered dreams only to make the moment seem beautiful....
But dont look back or the five oclock shadow of a broken man will engulf the joy i see in your eyes....
I disappear into the nothingness created by my wisdom to let her be free....
And as i watch her leave she takes the last breath of pure air in my vaccuum of heartache...

I have to believe these useless words I write are a passage aimlessly pointed towards success....
That the repulsive looks are destined for the past only to replay the taste of bitter judgement....
Wilting sunlight dances across my desk as my words always head for darkness.....
Learned behaviors are just the starting point towards greatness.....
My lust for popularity is gonna be just a checkpoint on the way to my love of written word....
As I look back at the life i left to the fruits of my craft I realize....
Only I appreciate where I am and where Ive been...
And I neither care or hope to make you understand my poetry.....

All the pills you said made you my friend...
Are memories and scars in the parts noone sees...
You value yourself like a billionare values a dollar....
I see you like a homeless person sees a sandwich...
Worth more than anyone knows or can understand....
Its not the kind of love that makes any sense.....
We are not what each other plan or brag or wish...
But like air food and water the things deadman wish....

You always looked at me and said "Darling smile"....
I smiled out of politeness because i wasn't sure what made me sad.....
You use to hold me tight when during the night my dreams were more than i could take...
I drank like the answer to all my problems were in some sort of crisis at the bottles bottom....
Then like I had to celebrate I pushed thru the safety in your arms and said " *******"...
With tears in my eyes and fear in my mind it made you the enemy.....
But when i heard no mayday from 20 000 leagues under the liquor...
I was happier than i ever was rescuing the answer that never came...
No first aid trying to resuscitate the dead reason for my misery will ever be equal to you...
Like I get it now they weren't calling for my help they were calling me away from you....
I see you sometimes with that bottle like you hear that SOS too....
I sent out a message from my hell neatly wrote in a bottle....
It reads BABE IM ALL THE HELP THEY NEED... GO BACK ILL COME BACK AS SOON AS I CAN....
And then I go back to my rescue just looking for answers somewhere at the bottom......

Tell me what it is you see when i say the word beauty or love  ....
Most would say a flower a sunset or there god from above....
I see it as a toothless grin from the man who values more with alot less than others....
The scared adopted kid when he learns that he has brothers....
The family who lost everything to some unknown fate....
But knowing together they are stronger than any hate...
The smile of a child in a moment of fear...
That is the time that makes everything clear...
That beauty and love may not walk hand in hand...
That the definition of each is for us to understand....
Look at the world in a view through others peoples eyes...
And it will show itself in ways that always surprise....

Please be the best version of beauty...
Laugh louder than anyone else...
Be the life of the party....
Dance and hold him close....
Fall asleep in his arms...
Miss the embrace that you deserve...
Make love everynight...
Fall into his stare be safe in his strength...
You are the moment he knew love exists...
The angel he never thought he could kiss...
I see you together and i realize now what I miss.....

simple words
simply amazing....
subtley genious..
quietly outspoken...
decievingly obvious...
broken but so together...
simple words are the only way to describe..
An indefinable anomaly that is you...
Say more nonsense its the advice that gets me through.....

If your religion is what seperates me...
Than as an atheist i cant be free...
If your god only listens when you preach his word...
Than he is better listening to other things he heard...
I do believe in something and I pray...
It was worst part of life that that makes me say...

If life was a journey a learning mystery?
Than the great almighty gave me a powerful history...
I lived through the worst the things i cant ever say...
Being me is the choice i make everyday...
I will not ever say im better than anyone else...
Because I seen the bottom and had no help...
Learned I was different and reminded I was brown....
Than told If i gave my life to him i would be found...
I am a ******* person an equal event...
In a world based in money i never costed a cent...
I died twice when i was born and never saw the end..
I mourned the loss of two sets of parents and buried my best friend...
I was homeless and alone and I stared at the sky....
I said ******* any challenge ill try...
My greater power is the reason i go on...
Not to do any service only to prove him wrong...
You chose me as a target a starting point to measure...
To say the life you lead is better than my drug induced pleasure....
I wrote a book my story changed your views....
With my back against the wall i refused to lose...
My life isnt a basket full of donations...
I am no longer scared to say im native... First Nations...
I was not meant to be here Im suppose to be gone...
And by the word of your god I am a sinner and wrong...
The powers a mystery A faceless name...
But in my belief...... He treats everyone the same...

I cant write like Shane.....
Or rhyme like Marshall....
My words are mine and I take full responsibility....
The advice you percieve is not what im trying to convey...
I am the village idiot in a society of Shakespeares...
Like I need a soapbox to visualise my plight...
The purest form of me is better left on paper....
Because when it bled into life... Nobody understood...
My laughter is captured in a joke I write meant for no none....
I never said it was funny only that nonsense is what makes me happy...
The moments of fear are in shaky etchings on prison walls.....
Where the only people who ever read it are destined for the hell I endured...
My sadness is the napkin after a holiday meal...
When I can only say I miss you using the medium of condiments....
A love note scars my heart and I now see beauty as a plateau...
The forgiveness letter is the sadness echoing from the valley....
Wish-lists are no longer lies about money or fame...
My bucket list is now a rewritten mess of hopes...
I cant write a story because they all turn into pop ups of memories I cant face....
Choose the adventure and Find waldos are the closest thing to my section...
Writing is now been the way I can send my dreams to the editor...
If inspiration was my muse it was taken mid-sentance ...
But if sadness means you will listen...
Than I guess writing is the gift that I wish i could return....

I can remember the shimmer of the hair in your eye...
As you wiped away the tear that said you were gone....
The heat of the sun on my neck as you turned your back...
When the heat was the last thing i recall when we were alone....
The slam of the car door was a final note in the song called  "You and Me"...
I cant be the only one who felt like forever was over...
Now its five years later and I am still writing about you...
Like a pen that has infinite ink.... A pencil that never dulls..
My words reach for you across the paper....
The tears fall on the page like a reminder that like us....
Every beautiful thing will be smeared and left imperfect...
Another letter lays on a floor full of days i cant forget....
Then I look around and every word is the life I remember....

I imagined you as the softest thing i ever touched...
I seen the smile of an angel when you parted your lips...
Your eyes sparkle like a jewel not meant to find....
A sketch artist could not draw what I saw...
I heard the laugh I can only describe like music....
I cant define a tune and I love the mystery.....
You became a unsolved dillema i had to crack....
But I know that as long as I never crack the case...
The clues you leave will be the reason I will work...
A clue like a kiss is going to be analyzed and gone over again and again...
A piece of clothing left by my bed will always be a mystery to me...
I hope you know  the fingerprints I leave on your face...
Are just a prelude to an attempted hair sample...
But as i run my hands thru your hair.....
I knew my search was now over...
I found who you were in your stare...
I am now so in love with the mystery you are...
I dont need to ever figure it out...
I dont wanna understand your moves....
I will not ever be your tail....
I just will sit back and let you keep stealing my heart...

"Everything will be just fine you just need some sleep"...
I haven't had a dream that wasn't a nightmare for a while....
I see every moment of happiness as a moment perfect for disappointment....
Smiles are only a way to conceal a pain that cannot be faced...
Every laugh is now an interruption long enough to delay my dispair....
The tender embraces and hugs just allow me to get out of view...
Nobody wants to see a strong person break but will always tell them "Be strong"...
Is strength an actual visible trait? or just a polite way to say "Dont cry"...
"Get Over it"... means hiding Under the disguise of a happy person...
No I don't... "Wanna talk about it" because the advice you can give is like a script I've already read...
When i say Im alright..... Its because it may be the only definition i have left...
And when i want to be alone...
Its only because I don't have the ability to fake another smile...
I can finally get over the strength it takes to not talk about it....
And the laughter you hear is the way I disguise my tears....
I hope i wake up from this sleep..
And all this was just a nightmare...
But i guess its another day to be Just fine....

If I can get this pain on paper...
Maybe if my words could heal the hurt...
My sorrow is now in nouns and vowels...
The letters all look sad to me...
Every period seems so final...
Like it will stop forever...
I wish i could say I don't hurt any more... period....
Why cant Grief be like a poem?...
A quick  way to not be ok....
A series of words that you know will have an end...
But I guess some poems read like a book...
Maybe this one has a happy ending...
But for now its the saddest thing I could ever be part of.....

How do i say the words...
Meant better for a song...
I know i cant sing....
But i know im not wrong...
"I want to tell the story of a love not meant to live...
Like it was a BROKEN promise never meant to give...
How all the best is memories that are best left unthought....
And all the " I Love You" gifts were never meant to be bought....
I cant say im sorry because i dont wanna lie...
I can say this with conviction... I dont care if you cry....
Ill leave in a heartbeat.... I cant be kept...
I hate the feeling that "Something" should be felt....
This was a Farce and always a lie to most....
So i guess as drinkers we should leave with a toast...
May hearts of sin never lock eyes...
May when you lose once you never give a hundred tries...
And the most important  toast and part...
May you never start a life that is now your entire heart"....

I looked up friend so I could better understand....
All they said lead me to pain....
I Began with looking for "A person other than a family member, spouse or lover whose company one enjoys and towards whom one feels affection"....
I came home with beer and a fish.....
I thought the next option was it for sure...
But it read..."A boyfriend or girlfriend"......
I called her up.... She said stay off the internet....
Well I guess it cant be wrong all the time... I read on....
Finally it said..."A person with whom one is vaguely or indirectly acquainted" .....
That was easy to do I barely know anyone since you...
That just made me sad.....
I read the final description... Oh finally a glimmer of hope...
This one would be easy to find....
It once again read..."A person who backs or supports something".....
I back and support the option of not using Wikipedia to find what your heart misses most.....
I closed my computer... Drank a beer.... missed you...
And watched my fish......

If Pain was a payment....
My bills would all be solved....
If Loneliness was my line of credit....
Then I would max it out for you....
If Sadness was a passport....
We would fly around the world.....
But i only have a coupon called Hope...
And it barely makes a difference on the payment of Life....
And all the I O U's from the bank of Trust...
Barely get me by...
I see the economy of Happiness an empire not worth investing...    Because no price is as low as the discount of Loss......
But i break my life savings kept in Piggy bank called Memories...
And I remember I saved just enough Love to get me thru......

I seen nim again that sad looking man...
He stared at me with wonder....
Or was it disgust i cannot tell....
Maybe he should clean up...
The world will hate him less....
And a brushing of teeth will allow him to get close....
Looks like he has enough barriers...
He is not the suitable shade of accepted...
His tattoos make him a dangerous felon....
The lost look in his eyes means he cant be trusted....
If the rest of the world could see what i see......
That he tries harder and harder everyday....
Because his daughters names are tattooed on his neck.....
They are the reason hes tired...
14 hr days leave every late night worth it...
Because a midnite playdate is his only reward....
A lonely soul who recently lost his mom.... his dad....
And how a friend may be all he needs....
But burying his last one four yrs ago has made him scared.......
Now he is facing a world without any back up......
He is the only protection for a family that means everything....
And has a girl who maKes him feel like nothing....
Someday i hope to not see him so down....
But as smile at him...
I realize this whole time...
That sad man in the mirror is actually me....

I hate the way an "Unfriend" can bring you to tears....
The non "Like" of a photo is equal to death.....
The way a "Tweet" is not meant for birds...
How taking pictures of yourself is now a thing....
The words typed by phone...
Is now a way to make you feel alone...
Now i'm not even old i grew up with this...
But for a world now at our fingers....
I think we forgot how to use our feet...
To walk to our loves...
To simply say words....
I am not a hypocrite i know its what i do....
The world has changed to make things easy and simple....
But a thing like love hasn't changed For a while....
Everyone is always on line saying "Anonymous" things....
"Liking" memories they never took part in.....
"Poking" at someone to get an Emoticon response...
I guess a technological advance.....
Means a human feeling recession...
I guess if love was a valued currency...
We would both be broke somewhere...
Between Happiness and Forever.....

Well I guess love doesnt  live here anymore....
But it left a note...
It said " I woke up scared and shaken...
I thought I was home I must have been mistaken....
And sometime between morning and night....
I awoke to you in horrible fight....
Your screams and voices are not what I recall.......
And Once I leave you will know you lost it all".......

I cant recall the curve of your body....
I can only see the bend of your smile...
How at night I never slept more comfortable....
On a single bed close to you....
We danced on linoleum dance floors...
With appliance audience.....
Endless selfies together....
Everyone called me.... "Us".....
We saved the planet every morning....
By sharing a shower... Where I know we got dirtier....
The way everyday i picked you up from work...
You ran into my arms like a child....
I knew you since we were small....
You were my sisters best friend....
You became mine....
I still love you... And probably always will....
My dear sweet Terri- Annn....
You are my reason for believing in love...
Keep my heart it was always yours...
And if you want to dance or laugh...
Ill be here in the kitchen with arm extended....
To tell you a joke....
Because i cant remember the curve of your body...
But i lived for the bend of your smile....

A day is not the same without you now....
Like i remember days before that....
I close my eyes not because im scared....
They are now floodgates against incredible torrents....
I used to be able to figure out "why?....."
Now its just a flurry of pain....
A familiar shot to the gut....
I cant miss them anymore.....
I cant say the worst is over....
Everyday it seems worse than the day before.....
Oh sadness my dear friend...
We can never be enemies....
Cause i know you would **** me.....

I wanted to make this something special....
To show her that I finally expressed myself.....
That time you said....
"You never buy me anything...."
Oh now the gift is bought....
Im nervous.....
Could this really be it....
Oh look there she is....
My hands are shaking... My foreheaad  sweat drips on the letter in my hand.....
Maybe flowers would have been a nice touch??
No lets not get carried away here....
Ok lets not beam with happiness... After all this is serious.....
After five years you are gonna say those words....
Wish her parents could be here....
I get down on one knee........
So she dosen't have to stand... She hates standing....
And look her right in the eyes..... hand her my gift.....
An official looking letter... With a Logo of a law offfice....
Put my hand out...
Oh oh....... She thinks this is something else.....
Better tell her those three words... She opens the letter...
Her smile turns to tears....
She looks at me and mutters "Really?..."
Yes sweetheart.... I finally committed...
Thats my lawyers name...
He says you cannot use my daughter against me anymore.... Oh heres those three words....
"Im leaving you...."

I could steal your car... Before you stole my heart....
Thats when I felt  "Our"  love truly start....
I looked like hell....My eye black from fights...
Before my darkness was engulfed in your light....
My weapons of hate kept always near....
Being with you... I forgot all my fear......
My backwards hat... The way i used to dress.....
I must have looked Stupid....... Now i dress for success...
Jail wasn't just seeing my crew.....
It was a hell  that kept me away from you....
My "*******'s!" and Angry stares....
Are now opening doors.... And pulling out chairs
The respect I  "Earned"..... Being told " I Must..."
Means nothing now.... I only want your trust....
Break and enters now a thing in the past...
Because you entered my heart and I want that to last....
Loud music to endless Screams.....  
Are now quiet whispers.... Having you in my dreams....
Being an object of someone elses fear...
I know what im scared of... Not having you near...
The concrete heart I used to never feel...
For the first time feels vulnerable... Open and  Real.....
All my girls.... My one night stands...
I now tell them all .......Im your "Man".....
Ive been stabbed... Beaten.... Ive been shot....
Losing you would hurt worse... Your all i've got....
I no longer see rivals and want to attack...
I know that you truly ......"Got my back".....
No more white rags to feel I belong......
Your what ive been missing all along....
No longer do I want a connection to "crime"...
I just wanna be with you..... All the time....
I cant believe that your not scared of my past....
I am terrified.... me and you wont last....
Because before you were a "hunny" a "shorty" A "boo"
Now I dont have a word amazing enough to describe You...
To you I was never a  GANGSTER..... I was only ever DAVE...
And to me you were an ANGEL... who deemed me worthy to SAVE.....

I remember when she would always chase me....
Like the times she would never let me be....
I remember she was a problem an obstacle to fun.....
When she would ask me why she wasnt my number one....
Oh i didnt have time... Ill be right back....
Then she would call crying... What a baby a hack....
I told all my friends  that she was a joke....
Another clinger only good for a poke.....
Then I got no call... To tears beating on phone....
I guess she got tired of being left all alone....
I only  thought that she would always be there....
Even if she left what would i care...
Turns out I pushed her way too far....
Never told her that she was my bright shining star....
My sun.... My world..... The reason I breathe....
Now i get it... A pain I could never concieve...
Just like sand she slipped through my hand....
All she ever wanted was for me to understand...
That she was rare.. A diamond among Stones....
Now i guess its me the one left alone...
She gave me my shot...  My one time chance....
At a love that compares to the greatest romance...
Then  it was too late.... to her house i ran...
But she had the look meant for me... In the arms of another man...
Now I know im not dumb... Im actually very smart...
I can accept that this was never  her fault....
Im to blame... I broke my Heart....

36 hrs ..... seems like almost a day maybe a half..... elevator rides uncomfortable talks with them....
A hopeful presentation to your forever.... Stale sandwiches in a line of comfortable sweats.....
Knowing that you were gonna be someones hero.... hungover like a villain...
Theres no bat phone where you live... The best example may be close to an Alfred....
I prayed to a saline bag..... Begging him or her to ease some pain.... Not because she was hurting...
Because you were hurting when she was in pain....
A memory of that night...... That morning and you knew the best of you was theirs....
Telling the other one you had a duty... Because you still inside missed the first….
A quiet conflict because you barely knew her.... And at the same time remember every moment...
The moment is not a Time its an Emotion.... a Florescent room.... a Readers Digest the copy of Motor weekly....
The quiet broken promise....... Now everything is just a contained mess....
A night when you drove to her house just after midnite.... Telling her that gr 10 and pregnant was not her fault...
But not ready to be blamed...
A car full of friends on a birthday everyone will remember.... Not you.... An invitation was just another responsibility...
Then it was a desperate attempt to build a Castle... A futon in the midlle of a tiny living room...
The shame of your mother when you called her grandma... Disappointment was now all they expected... Now being the exact definition of Expected Disappointment...
A jewellery store... The lady with thick rimmed glasses muttering "Your too young"...
Feeling that the 6 months with her could be stretched....
The first time I felt YOU move.....
Now knowing that no matter how bad I was at everything.... You will now always be the best....
Those were the nights you weren' t wasted... Now you realize wasted isnt an Emotion Its a Time...
Maybe it was that time she fell asleep in tears... Because less than two months before her mom made me sleep on the floor...
Her mom was right i hated her all along but the outcome would be as comforting as it was frightening....
I could say anything to make you sleep with me but nothing made you feel loved...
Your letters stopped having those hearts over i's.... You all the sudden became 6'4... And all i could do was try to hold you...
No more all night parties... Opening walls to find  hidden furnaces..... Eviction notices.... Disconnect letters.... Empty bank accounts....That could no longer be "normal".....
Those two days of stimulated sundowns and then sun ups.....
You should have never come there... I was the mistake a dark eyed monster....
The baby blue car.... A 45 minute ride.... A realization that birth isnt just on Tv....... This was happening!!.....
And you truly brought your best...
If i could live that moment again i would wear a suit....
How my ridiculous spikes were a hairstyle no longer approved.... Maybe a butler... Because you know now...
How that moment where you saw each other will be Forever....
That nite where 36hrs no longer mattered because it was time you were without her....
A heaven spelled backwards... Not just a name but a promise......
She aged a lifetime that night.... A choice was made….. A quiet contract between them...
Oh god why didnt i sign?.. All the teddy bears in the world would mean nothing now....
I cant remember a ***** diaper... A day of teething.... Her first sounds or The time she wanted me.....
Sorry is not a word that can be ok.... I cant tell her sorry….. I don’t deserve to feel ok….
36hrs is just about the time it takes to never be a man…. I was not doing them a favor they never told me "No"….
I can only hope I was 36 hrs of someone else's pain….
Because I can not remember anything before that……..

If I wasn’t  “here”?.... where is “here”?...
Is it the 14 hr days of work...The lonely bed where even though I call her my wife I sleep alone…….
I can’t say that “here” is exactly my destination...
I think that i would be missed... When the bills became too much... when the work became too much....
I dont think “here” realizes how much I wanna be “there”....
I can count everything good in my world on one hand...
But just like my good hand  only four digits work....
Like on the end of a phone number... Oh the numbers I know ... They dont answer anymore...
Now it’s not soo bad... She trades handjobs for beer... I can be the cause of every instance...
God never gives more than I can carry.... I’ve got the full cable package...
And of course I’ve got addiction...
I have the one friend that because of history.... I am already saying goodbye....
I keep mental notes of the good times... so I can later read them...
But in a mind full of bottles one always spills...
Now most notes are a smear of ink on soggy Post- its.....
But the empties saved are gonna make me a rich man...
I like to think on the return slip the receipt will read.....
10002 mistakes…. 2502 lies….. 14 broken hearts….. 5000 lonely nights and 1 complete **** up....
And at the end it will say total refund..... 17518 regrets...
But i can never return my **** up........ “Here”.........
“Here” I can be happy at 80 dollars a night...
“Here” I only hate everyone....”
“Here” is my life.....
“Here” is where everyone around me thinks I’m happy...
I think when I finally get a chance…. I will go “there”.....
And i will send postcards to everyone and it will read.....
” I think i get it now..... I wish you were HERE”....

What I see is the product of wholesale hate.... an inexpensive solution to happiness… a scratched table leg...
The memory of laughter around a table or in a red station wagon... Long trips in a car with no air conditioning.. When i found out my feet were no longer kissable...
The thought of " Im Happy"..... Maybe its never a good feeling....
Then i learnt that distance is equal to money... Then it was not watching you eat cake...
My wishes were no longer " Ours"....
A bike ride became an excuse to watch the highway.... high flying jumps as you drove by a honk was as good as a hug....
Being mad as you were always asleep in your spot... Hating the dent on the couch...
Now wishing that the imperfection of furniture meant you were still here...
Watching the spot in our garage fill with picture albums...
Where every garage sale Our memories were only a buck....
That day when our red station wagon became a shiny new truck... Still red but to clean as if we were not gritty....
My Friday nights when ten o'clock was the limit.. And faking sober over minty mumblings...
And soon You would say.. "Dont breathe on mom"....
Even though the truth you hid was like a slap in your face...
Saturday morning where a quiet " Davie son"... Was always met by a simple "Im Up"...
A white lie to cover the truth.... I loved Saturdays more than Friday nights...
Fridays were for friends..... Saturday was for my hero, Black tar in faded cups...
Because sugar must have been a luxury you couldnt afford.... I wont drink black coffee anymore......
The more blue creamers make it less painful...
That time you said get out of "His" chair.... Then everyone knew it was MY chair....
Such a simple thing a place where i learned that a set of blue coveralls was as good as a red cape....
A briefcase was not just for lawyers... It was the place where you could find the last picture of us together....
A sunny day where i watched you turn an empty room into a work of art only now I know WE could only appreciate...
The bending two by fours as you made them a highway for black pipes...
That day i carried both tool boxes at the same time... Thinking why did you park so far away?....
But the way you smiled and winked when i put them down...
I catch myself sometimes in moments of pride winking at her.......
Those times where i can hear You in Me and it shoots out my mouth with a "Jesus Christ"...
Then apologies in the form of gifts... Men don't apologize......
I still cant afford your gift.... Maybe its not available in bars.. Or in measured amounts...
It cant be bought all at once...... Only in payments of my best.....
I haven't made a payment in a while....
But I remember I sign an extension every night.... Signed in tears in an office only visible with eyes closed....
Its the only place my chair still exists... A room with a briefcase on a desk... Slurppes with ice cream Dire Straits over the radio....
Playing in a shop i cant get too....
Where i can still carry your tool boxes...
Then flashes of black cowboy boots... Blue coveralls...
But never a smile or a wink...
Then i come back and whimper "Jesus Christ".....
Real men don't cry... Its been a while since i've been a real man...
Now its just an excuse for bars and measurements……

I would sing you song if i could CARRY a tune.... I would always be holding your hand...
Instead of always leaving for work.... My job would be you....
.But never use the word job.... A job seems to be the biggest obstacle..... Early mornings... Late nights... Inappropriate anger that i know you absorb....
How i call home when i feel like i cant do this anymore... And how u never know that i was anything but dad....
The words i can never come up with.... A day without an egg is gonna be really sad...
I would **** anyone who hurts you... Because hearing you in pain kills me.....
I made you..... Hmmm i realize now you made me.....
You made me smile… You made me strong and You made me something i thought i could never be...
What that is will always be  yours....
I once wished to   fall in love... with the perfect girl...
I now know wishes do come true...
I never want you to be anything but you...
The way you sing like nobodys listening...
How a four tooth handicap may be necessary...
Because when you smile its already too amazing...
Where did these four short years go??...
Time can be the only thing i never accounted for...
Every minute i can steal from life i will give to you...
So I can teach you to never steal....
I will always be in the front row of every Christmas concert....
Be on the sidelines of every game...
I'm not watching the Rudolphs or even keeping score...
It's Your game… Your recital....
And if the day ever comes your too scared or embarrassed to be on a stage....You can see me in the front row...
And i hope you give me your best.... You brought out the best in me...
I will never have the same sets of rules for you.... Mine will be simple.... But maybe ill put those in other poems........
And one day when i am no longer cool....... I am no longer fun……..
I will give them to you.... So you will realize that you were always my baby...
And even though i cant sing a song….. I Will always CARRY you….

Everything good goes "Away".....
I wish i knew where "Away" was.....  I know where i left my heart...
Is "Away" that one perfect girl?
With the imperfect smile...  That brought it back to only stunning..
Is "Away" that one house where you felt home?.....
Maybe its making love.... Not *******....
I hate that definition... Like when I told you " I ****** up"......
Or when you ****** my best friend......
The "Away" I can picture is your face under the stars..... With irragation sprinklers in the background......
A broken ankle.... And someone finally taking Care of ME.......
A birthday spent alone with you....
Do they let guys like me in?...... I hope not..
"Away" is a place that  you deserve because  I cant hurt you there....
I can say i never meant to hurt you.... But in retrospect.....
What else would be the outcome?.......
I hope "Away" is you happy....
"Away" is you being someones else's Far and Away.....
I hope you send me letters.... So I could send them back Unanswered..
Because you left me Here.... And I think "Away" Suits you much better...

If I had CONTROL… The word means strength it reminds me of a man who is only alive in my memories….
It’s the first thought after things go bad….. The nervous laughter caused by anxiety……                                
After last nites drunk… Riding in that cop car…. a reassurance that this was your “ plan”….
Hearing her cry on the phone …. Or worse not hearing her at all……
Believing a silence was the same as a forgiveness….
Waking up pretending last nite wasn’t real….          
A joke at work where everyone laughs… Knowing that laughter is better spent on other things..
For every bottle cap or tab is like a countdown to the terrible truth…
Being right there but belief beyond hope keeps you invisible…. Seeing her cry….
The real moment where you cannot remember winning….
The moment where you realize it was never a gamble… She was yours….
Now you watch the parts of your life you hate… Bounce… Asking for seven and eleven….
Not for the win…. Only for the fact the dealer might give you another roll …..
Hoping for snake eyes of her face… belieiving you could read the table…..
And placing it all on control…. Now I know a word like control isn’t much different than gamble…
I don’t understand either… But everyone who asks I say……….
“ I never gamble……. I feel sorry for those who lost control…. “
AND CONTROL MEANS EVERYONE AND EVERTHING........