Reminding myself  of all the ways you made me feel alive is what is killing me now.

I forgot to tell you Happy Father's day the same way you forgot to be a father. Oh.

Stop.
He's not a bad man.
He made a mistake.
Stop.
He drank one too many.
He loves you, mom.
It was an accident.
He didn't mean it.
Stop.
Look at my arms, mom.
The bruise healed.
He just lost control.
Stop
I know he loves me.
He loves you too, mom.
He's still my dad.
I know he still cares.
HE DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT ME
IT DIDN'T EVEN HURT THAT BAD
SEE? I'M FINE.
HE'S STILL HERE.
HE NEVER REALLY LEFT.
HE TOOK ME FOR ICE CREAM.
I SWEAR TO GOD IT HAPPENED.
I SWEAR IT HAPPENED.
I SWEAR.
HE'S OKAY NOW.
HE'S BETTER.
STOP.
STOP BLAMING YOURSELF.
STOP HATING YOURSELF.
HE'S NOT A BAD PERSON.
HE'S A GOOD MAN.
I SWEAR.
I SWEAR TO GOD HE'S A GOOD MAN.
STOP!
**STOP!!!!

Please let me breathe today.

You say, "I ate so much I want to go anorexic"
You don't know
but I'm anorexic
I'm a loose cannon
Doctor says I'm gonna die any day now
but I can't stop
All I think about is food, and calories,
and how good my hip bones would look if I was only 5 pounds lighter
I have no friends anymore.
But I'm surprised.
Even I hate me.
Even I don't want to hang out with me.
I have no life besides sitting at home thinking about carbs
As dead as I look from the outside I feel more dead inside
As cold as I am all the time, my heart is colder.
So don't you dare say you want this life
Don't say this is desirable
Because its not..


I hate myself.
If only I was skinnier...

I. Boy with the silly laugh
We were best friends.
You were there when my father left and I was there when you had your heart broken.
I knew you didn't love me. But I didn't care.
That was the beautiful part about it.
I still loved you knowing I wouldn't get love in return.
I hope you found what you were looking for.

II. The first boy I ever thought I'd marry
We spent so much time together and yet it never seemed like enough
I remember the first time we slept together.
My curfew was 11 but I still walked through my front door at 8 am the next morning.
My mom was so mad, but that night you tasted like heaven and I knew that's the only time I would ever get a glimpse of heaven.
If there is a God, I know he brought you to me.

III. The boy who ran out of time
I remember the day I met you, you played with my hair.
I remember how you'd always smell like vanilla and coffee.
I remember our first kiss, how your tongue would glide around my lip.
I remember the scratches and the screams to the angels.
I remember the day I last saw you.
I remember a full sanctuary with 100 shades of black.
I hope you're resting. I hope you're in heaven playing baseball like you did as a child.
I hope you know that when I told you to leave I didn't mean for you like this.

and its weird because I don't really know him
but just the thought of getting to know him makes the butterflies in stomach have seizures.
I don't really know him
but I think he might be the one who saves me

I tried to get better
but with each pound comes a binge
and everytime my demons tell me that 104.8 pounds is too much.
"You're 5'8"" they say "You need to keep losing weight. Just because you're on the taller side doesn't give you an excuse to be fat"
So I binge.
Part of me is hoping that this time I throw up blood.
Blood is what keeps me alove and maybe if I keep throwing up what keeps my heart beating this will be the last binge, the last time I ever have to feel like this.
At least if I died, I would weigh a pound lighter.
I'm losing hope.
Everything is falling apart.
I don't want to live if my mind is only consumed by whats killing me.

"I'm so OCD"
OCD isn't a joke.
Washing your hands over and over again until your skin is raw isn't a joke.
Doing things that your brain tells you to do, regardless of what, isn't funny.
Not having control is not a joke.

"You look so anorexic."
Eating disorders are not a joke.
Refusing to eat until it kills you isn't a joke.
Throwing up over and over again to get a body that you will never be happy with isn't funny.
Being control by the one thing that makes you feel like you have control isn't a joke.

"That made me so depressed."
Chemical imbalances in the brain isn't a joke.
Wanting to do nothing all the time isn't funny.
Wanting to die all the time isn't a joke.

Stop making jokes about things you don't understand.

And if you are dealing with any eating or mental disorder, I am so proud of you for still being here and staying strong. I know how hard recovery is. You will overcome it.

If you don't use the hashtag, but did the challenge and I don't see it feel free to message it to me because I'm loving seeing all y'all's poems and I don't want to miss one!

I CHALLENGE ALL OF HELLO POETRY!
Choose a song, you can choose it randomly or it can be your favorite song, or just a song that you like. Write a poem while listening to that song. You don't have to write about the song but just write what comes to mind while you listen to it. I do this all the time and its amazing how it changes my mood and my writing. Title the poem the name of the song and use the hashtag #CourtsMusicChallenge and I will take the time to read all of them and repost them and leave some love in a comment.
Do the challenge then repost this so I know you did it.:)

Sitting here remembering everything that's going wrong.
Then I remembered the last time I heard you laugh.
And everything is okay again.

I think I'm dying.
I'm crying because I need to lose more.
I'm crying because I need to feel more.
I'm dying to feel something, anything.
I'm dying to hear your voice again.
I'm dying to be alive.

I just wish someone cared enough to remind me that I matter more than my weight and I deserve to live longer than the days I haven't eaten.

I hope you are finally a musician in Los Angeles
I hope you are successful WITH him.
I hope you learned the true meaning of success and contentment.
I hope you can finally wake up without remembering John hanging from a rope.
I hope you can finally cope.
I hope you can hear someone say "John" and not flood into an ocean of tears.
I hope you forgave your dad. It wasn't completely his fault.
Alcohol does that to people.
I hope you can eat three times a day without crying or hurting.
I hope you started eating more than 300 calories a day, you're killing yourself right now.
I hope you still sing in the shower and dance in your pj's every morning.
I hope all these things come true but mostly I hope you love yourself and are finally HAPPY.

Realize that being able to write a good poem, doesn't mean you can make them stay.

I need a favor, if yall wouldn't mind reading through some of my poems and messaging me some of your favorite quotes from them, I would greatly appreciate it. I'll follow you and show some love to your profile.
Its really important.
Thank you


xoxo

court

He knew he was just living in my shadow
We came to see what the city of angels had for us, if we could make it..
The angels silenced to hear my voice
while they turned their back to him
the dream he had for both of us turned into a one way street
and he couldn't see any sign of a bright future for him.
So he packed his dreams into a guitar case and flew back to Texas in hopes he could rekindle the life he's always known.
And here I sit. My mind sees the stars on the ground but all my heart sees is him.
The desire to feel held started to feel heavier than the reward of prosperity.
I know Whitney fashioned rivers when I turned the record off but the sound of the applause couldn't possibly be as rewarding as the sound of his voice.

Lately I've been going to sleep really depressed and it's made not only going to sleep hard but waking up as well.
You've been deemed unfit to love me since you can't seem to love anything that loves you back and I can't seem to get over that.
You built a stone wall around every feeling you ever had for me and i don't know if it's because I don't deserve them or you're afraid I do..
You used to help me get through every night but now you're the only one stealing my sleep and each night ends with an echo of you and I can't even remember what you sounded like next to me anymore.
I remember when you asked "what are you waiting for" and all I could say is "to be somebody that won't hurt you"
I know everything ends eventually and some people find comfort in that but I can't be ok knowing my time with you ended too.

If I made an Etsy and sold canvases and phone cases and other stuff with quotes from my poems would you guys buy them, if they were cheap?

I know a lot of you guys are dealing with a lot and if you ever need someone to talk to feel free to message me. I would be happy to help, or just be there for you to vent.
         I really wish that Hellopoetry could be more connected. As fellow artists, I challenge you to take a risk and talk to someone on here, even if its just to say you appreciate their work. If you do take that risk, message me and tell me how it goes. Lets turn a website into a family.

xoxo
Court

There was this moment in the midst of all tears and hurt that I finally felt what I tried to avoid feeling in the first place. Regret.
There was this moment when I thought to myself, "He is it. He is the one I've been waiting for this whole time."
And I let that go. How could I let him go?
How could I have not seen?
He is the one, but I think it's too late now.

This is really important to me.

http://hellopoetry.com/poem/1055967/the-monster-downstairs/

These days I can't seem to catch a break.
I want to be happy again.
I'm so scared to sleep because I know what I will see when I shut my eyes.
You left and took a piece of me I needed.
I've tried to apologize. I've apologized over and over again.
Even "I'm sorry" screams "come back" if you say it enough,
I know I shouldn't be surprised.
I knew you were the type to pour salt in the wounds but I never thought you'd do that to mine.

My dad loved the idea of being different.
He would say "Make them remember you!" or "Let your light shine!"
He always told me to never do anything "half-***"
He wanted me to work harder, reach higher, and see beyond the horizons of society.
He always said "never look down! That's when you'll fall!"
He always knew what to say but he ever knew how to follow his own advice.

Sometimes I would hold the hand that broke me, expecting it to be a barricade between me and a vehicle.

Sometimes I got so scared of the monsters under my bed,
but I didn't realize that I crawled into bed with one, expecting it to stop the nightmares it caused in the first place.

Sometimes it kissed my finger when I got a paper cut,
but never once did it cool the tobacco kissed burns on my arm.
Sometimes it whispered "I love you" with the same lips that screamed "You're worthless!"

I remember when I hated everything about it but I still craved it to stay.
I remember when it left, but its presence still breaks my bones and cuts my skin.

I love you more than she does I promise.

I'm so lost.
and confused
and hurt
and tired
and I can't stop crying
and I'm angry
and I'm broken
and yet I'm still completely in love with you.

I'm half asleep but I love you.
I'll fall asleep any second now but I love you.
I love you.

I've learned a lot in my life. I learned that sometimes all you can do is forgive. I learned that people are not homes and if you make a home out of a person then that's when things start going wrong. I learned that sometimes your best friends aren't the best friends for you. Sometimes you need to accept that and just move on. I learned that it's not about whose been there the longest. Sometimes someone will come into your life. No, not come. Run. Jump.  And sometimes they finally knock some sense into you. I learned that people can't make you happy. Money can't make you happy. Even God can't make you happy. And YOU can make yourself happy. I learned to stop complaining about things you need to do because it takes less time to just do it. I learned to appreciate the small things before they become all you need. Sometimes people that you think will stay will leave. Sometimes people you think will leave will stay. People will always hate you for being you. They will hate you for fitting in or standing out. They will hate you if you're skinny or if your fat or if your tall or if your short or if you wear makeup or if you don't wear makeup. So just be you and live. Because this is your life and it's ending seconds at a time.

I'm tired of everyone I love leaving.
I'm tired of loving people who could never love me back.
I'm tired of being lead on.
I'm tired of not being wanted.
I'm tired of feeling ugly and worthless.
I'm tired of being on this earth.
I'm tired of being just an option.
I'm tired of being a "plan B"
I'm tired of this sadness.
I'm tired.

"Court, you can't die with him. You have to let go."

But what if I need to?
I can't go to that coffee shop without losing my ability to breathe, as if I was hanging next to you.
I can't  listen to "Chasing Cars" with thinking about lying next to you and forgetting the world and myself.
I see your cousin at school and I see so much of you in him.
I can't go to the movies without wishing our fingers were intertwined.
I see flowers on the side of the road and all I can remember is your parents in all black kneeling at an alter in prayer.
Snow globes, hot chocolate, super hero movies and all the things that reflect us pull me through our timeline and remind me that I can't bear to look at rocks without seeing your name in that stone.
I can't drink coffee without tasting your vanilla kisses.
I can't look at ropes or strings or laces or ribbons without seeing your body hanging from your ceiling.
You used to leave me with smiles and stupid jokes but on October 13th, all you left me with was our history. And now its slowly carving my name into a rock and that's all I've ever known about letting go.

I guess now that I'm happy I don't see the world through metaphors
I don't speak through paragraphs
I'm not fascinated in the seasons changing
But maybe it's not that I'm happy
Its that if I keep writing about how much it hurts that I have my name engraved in a bible while you have yours engraved into a stone then I'll never leave my bedroom floor.
Its the fact that my mom told me I can't die with you
Its the fact that I don't want to live in this world but these are the cards I was dealt so I have to.

Christmas is not the same anymore.
I have to buy flowers instead of the watch you wanted.
Christmas became different when you hung from that rope
and God I don't think I can ever eat another christmas cookie, go to a Christmas party, or open a present without remembering that you're lifeless and covered in dirt.

I just wanted to thank you.
His absence has destructed me.
His absence left me on a path that only went downhill.
His absence broke me completely.
His absence turned me into recluse.

But you saw that broken me and held me in your arms.
You helped me carry that weight.
You taped all the broken pieces together.

No, you didn't fix my life, but you made waking up a little more bearable and I can't thank you enough.

Put down that blade.
Put down that bottle or pills.
Don't you dare tie that rope.
Please stop.
I know you think you don't matter.
I know these days are getting hard.
I know you feel like God gets pleasure out of messing up your life.
I know you think no one will care, but you're wrong.
You're smart.
You're attractive.
You're funny.
You're weird but the best people are.
You're body is perfect the way it is.
You are not defined by your grades, your acne, your clothes, the scale, your imperfections.
You are beautiful and valuable and amazing whether you think you are or not.
If you are looking for a sign to stay, let this be it.
Please stop. Stay here and breathe and love life because your body loves you, feel your heart, your body loves you enough to keep it pumping.
So drink your favorite tea and go to sleep to your favorite movie in your favorite PJ's and wake up tomorrow and smile because you are still alive and you have so much to live for.
You will make it.
Stay here.

Merry Christmas.
I still miss you so much.
I know you hate that casket because your claustrophobic and it makes me sick that you have to be in there forever.
I hope God gives you that book you always talked about, and how much you wanted it.
If I'm being honest I was going to get it for you for Christmas but I never got the chance.
I hope God gives it to you.
All I want this year is you just 6 feet closer and for your cheeks to be red from life again.
The distance is still too much for me. 6 feet has never felt so far.

I wish I would've known everything I know now when I first met you.

There's so much I wish I could say.
But every time I try to speak my tongue goes numb.
I don't know what you want or need or if I can even be enough,
But darling I will break my back trying to be what you need.
I don't know if this is real, but I know when you touched my spine I thought my whole body was going to erupt into flames.
I want to spend the days laughing with you and the nights crying with you.
I want you to meet my mom and realize why my dad's love came too late.
I want to tell my friends about you.
I want to sing The 1975 songs with you and dance around the living room at midnight.
I want to make angels sing on my couch.
I want you. All of you.

Stop fighting it.
Our hearts beat for each other's.
Stop pretending this isn't real.
Stop pretending you don't feel anything.
Stop fighting the way your insides feel like fire when I say your name.
Stop building those walls higher and higher.
Don't ever act so nonchalant when someone calls you my boyfriend.
Just stop fighting this.
Stop.
This isn't a game.
There won't be a game over.
Just stop fighting yourself and let us happen.

I know I acted disgusted but I kinda liked how he called you my boyfriend.

He hits you.
Apologizes.
Says he loves you.
You forgive him.
He hits you again.
Says it was an accident and he loves you.
You forgive him.
He hits you out of habit now.
He makes you feel like nothing.
But he says he loves you.
And now you don't know what love means anymore.

Happiness isn't an emotion. It's being with you.

This one is for the way you don't think you're attractive even though you are.
This one if for your voice because its heavenly, my love.
This one is for how you always try to scare me to be funny but you never actually succeed.
This one is for your hugs because they are so perfect.
This one is for the dreams you keep showing up in.
This one is for your taste in music...it's perfect.
This one is how you always poke my side when your "mad"
This one is for how you like your coffee. Same as me.
This one is for all your quirky mannerisms.
This one is for the smile you put on my face and how you have me dancing in my PJ's in the morning like I used to before he left.
This one is for how you showed me that I can move on and be happy again.
This one is for you and your goofy laugh.

I remember reading your last letter
You told me your life felt different, you didn't know who you were anymore
You said the clouds didn't remind you of serenity anymore
You said the ocean didn't speak to you the way it used to
You said the coffee was more bitter than it used to be
You said my eyes looked different and you didn't like how that made you feel
You said I took you for granted, which is probably true
But oh God, when you left you took me with you...
I hate looking at myself in the mirror now, because I now see how much uglier I look without your arms around my waist
I hate waking up because it's another day I woke up without waking up to you.
Now all coffee tastes the same. It all tastes like your lips in the morning.
I go to sleep and pray that if there is a God, could (s)he take me to you.

But the truth is that even though you're gone I still feel like you're here.
I drive past our coffee shop and you're there.
I do math homework (your favorite subject) and you're there
I talk to your other friends and you're there.
I saw your mom at the grocery store and oh God there was so much of you in her. (or maybe vice versa)
Honestly I'm falling apart every single day. Every day.

I miss your jokes so much.
I miss how you'd get mad when I asked you to  repeat things.
I miss you making fun of me.

But now these walls are closing me in and I need to get out before I'm stuck in this black hole of my thoughts of you.
Stop suffocating me.
Stay away.
Because every time I hear our song it feels like I lost you again.
And I keep seeing you in my sleep.
This is the last time I will write you.
Let me move on.

I need you to be my lover or you can't be in my life at all.
*I can't just be your friend.

I thought I would not know the best feeling in the world until I was older.
Until the first time I made love with the one I'm spending forever with.
Until I won the lottery.
Until I tasted the best cup of coffee.
Until he came back
Until I looked in the mirror and was actually pleased with my reflection
But no.
The best feeling in the world was when I thought you gave up on us and you were done but you texted me "Good morning<3"

I woke up and I'm still suffocating
Oh God please give me space

This went from a fairy tale to my worst nightmare in an hour
And now I'm on my bathroom floor trying to make sense of this through paragraphs.
I haven't felt this sense of loneliness since he passed.
You said this would be fine.
You said this would work.
Now you're ignoring my phone calls and even your flannel isn't making this better.
I wanted this.
I wanted you so bad.
Now I can't breathe and my stomach is in knots.
Make this better my love.

I'm falling in love with every part of you.
Like the way you run your fingers through your hair
And the way you hold you arms out and wiggle your fingers when you want a hug
And the way you laugh awkwardly at almost everything
I'm falling in love with you flannels and those converse that used to be white
And the way you say my name
And how I can't trust anyone but for some reason I trust you
You're making me believe in good people again and that scares me.