I'm embarrassed to say that I miss you so much.
Even your bad jokes.
Especially your bad jokes.

There's something about your lips that I can't forget.

Looking around the table and you're not there.
Watching the football game and you're not there.
Greeting the guests and you're not there.
Making my plate and you're not there.
Telling stories from this year and you're not there.
Saying what I'm "thankful" for and you're not there.
Watching the parade and you're not there.
Laughing at Uncle Jim's joke and you're not there.
It's hard to celebrate what you're thankful for, when the one you're most thankful for isn't there.

Just wanted to tell y'all that I'm so thankful for all of you. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't get the opportunity to share my work every day. Every like, repost, comment, even view has been a blessing to me. I hope you all recognize how lucky we are to have a place that we can get away from everything going on and share our life through paragraphs and freely do what we love.
Have a blessed Thanksgiving. You are all amazing and beautiful whether you think so or not. I love you all<3

The song we once loved now a funeral song.
The sweater you used to wear when it was cold can no longer keep you warm.
The last voicemail I left just a cry for help that will never be heard.
The words I needed to say are locked in a safe that no one knows the combination too.
This feeling of regret drowns me like the time my father threw me in the pool to teach me how to swim.
The taste of coffee on my lips can never rid the taste of your mouth.
My heart is beating in a monotone tempo. It doesn't skip beats anymore.
My stomach only handles nothing.
My body feels less and less everyday.
The empty bottles are speaking for themselves.
I don't want to live like this.
I don't want to live at all.

I like you.
Please don't treat me like a chess game.
I've already had my heart defined like a chess piece.
I care too much already.
Don't make me regret counting on this to work.
Don't make me regret you.

I don't know what made me come back to you.
I don't know if it was the time I saw you kissing my best friend
or if it was the time you told me all your love was a lie
was it the time you told me I was too fat for you so I should "go anorexic"
or was it when you said "go take more pills"
was it the time you poured hot coffee all over me in the coffee shop during an argument
or the time you ignored me for 3 months, never telling me that you were okay or where you were or who you were with and what you were doing
was it the time you commented "ugly af" on one of my instagram pictures
or the time you threw a pan at me
was it the time you said "I don't love you because you have no *** in you"
or the time you punched me in the face because I disagreed with you

I don't know why I kept going back, but all I know is you hurt my heart more than you ever hurt my body and I don't know if you care but because of you I don't think I can ever love without the fear of dying.

I'm so tired of crying over you.
I'm so tired of you being here even though you're gone.

Good morning. Please don't suffocate me today.

Moving on feels like getting out of bed earlier than usual.
Moving on feels like going back inside that coffee shop for the first time.
It's dancing in your pjs while getting ready for school again.
It's eating vanilla flavored ice cream even though that's what he tasted like.
It's hanging the pictures back on the wall.
It's saying his name without getting knots in your stomach.
It's seeing the beauty in seasons changing.
It's not feeling guilty for smiling at that guy in your physics class.
It's going back to church.
It's looking in the mirror and not seeing regret.
It's recognizing that each breath is another reminder that you made it.
You made it.
*You made it through

I don't remember what the last thing you said to me was.
I don't remember what shirt you were wearing.
I don't remember if it was one of those days where your eyes looked green or grey.
I don't remember if you had gel in your hair that day.
I don't remember. But if I knew it was the last time I'd see you, I wouldn't have taken that day for granted.

You made my heart smile for the first time since his death.
I haven't had a glimpse of happiness in nearly 2 months.
You brought back something I've missed.
You made me laugh. I forgot how my laugh sounded.
You made me remember the feeling of contentment.
And for just a second you reminded what love felt like.

John. I haven't read one letter since you left. I'm scared to open an envelope and see the same note you left before you let your dreams, goals, days all hang from a rope. To be honest I don't know what it was that you needed to hear, what words could've saved your life. But I can say that old coffee shop feels emptier. My room feels colder. My eyes look darker. I don't smile at seasons changing anymore. I've been avoiding all mirrors because I can't bare to see myself without you.
    You were the best person I've ever met. It almost seemed unfair that I let such a perfect person be with a broken mess like me. You were so funny and the way your eyes lit up when you told a story...Oh God. I'm not religious but when you looked at me that way I thought we were both going to hell. Your laugh was all I needed to make a bad day better, oh what I would do to make you laugh.
   I know you hated long car rides and you knew I hated distance. Who knew 6 feet could feel longer than 100,000 miles.? Because now you're resting underground and I don't sleep without sleeping pills. I miss you so much. I miss you. I miss you.

Good morning. I hope you're okay. I hope you're happy wherever you are. If heaven is real I know you're there. I'm sorry, my love, I'm so sorry.

All I know is that when it was cold you hug me from behind so your arms and your blanket wrapped around me. I know that you smile that crooked smile that makes my heart melt. I know the day I saw you cry was like every star stopped shining and the world turned colder. I know loving you was like seeing the world for the first time. I know you made me see the sun where there used to be rain clouds. I know you made me see the beauty between seasons. I know you made me realize that home isn't a building or an address. Home is any time you're laughing.  I know you have always been smarter than me but always loved hearing my perspective. I know I'm not the best but I love you more than my bones can handle.

I WANT YOU BACK SO BAD. YOU ARE MILES AND MILES AWAY AND MY HOUSE DOESN'T FEEL LIKE HOME ANYMORE. THE ONLY HOME I REALLY KNEW WAS IN YOUR ARMS AND ANYWHERE ELSE I JUST FEEL INCOMPLETE. I NEVER UNDERSTOOD THOSE ABANDONED HOUSES UNTIL I BECAME ONE. I HOPE YOU KNOW I WAKE UP CRYING FROM NIGHTMARES EVERY NIGHT AND IT ONLY REMINDS ME THAT THIS BED IS A LITTLE COLDER AT NIGHT. AND I CANT SMELL YOUR COLOGNE ON MY SHEETS ANYMORE. AND YOUR SWEATER IS MY ONLY PIECE OF YOU THAT I HAVE AND I GOT A COFFEE STAIN ON THE SLEEVE AND I HOPE YOU AREN'T MAD. I MISS YOU SO SO MUCH MY LOVE. COME BACK.

I'm sorry. I know it's been months. I know you won't read all of this.





I'm sorry that the way you looked at me melted away every ounce of pain I ever had.
I'm sorry that the way you held me that night when I told you about my father made up for the nightmare you've put me in.
I'm sorry that the way you laughed at my jokes made up for the five thousand eight hundred and forty three days that I've been alone.

In those thousands of days I never felt more alone than I did the day you left though

I'm sorry I'm a complete mess without you.
I'm sorry I have to literally force myself to not text you or stop by your house.
I'm sorry I made a playlist of your favorite songs.
I'm sorry I still go to "our" coffee shop. It's so empty without you.
You used to cover up the crack in the chair across from me at "our" table at "our" coffee shop. Now I can see light piercing through the crevice.
I'm sorry I still know you number by heart.

You don't know this but I saw your mother at the grocery store. She didn't say hi.

I'm sorry I couldn't make words sound like angels as well as you turned darkness to light.
I'm sorry for being so cold.
I'm sorry, but I love you. You just mean so much. You're everything.
I'm sorry for letting you go.

I'm sorry your friends will probably read this, but it's important to me. You're important to me.

I love you.

I know that the day we talked for the time made me feel like I was drowning because you took the oxygen out of my lungs. I know you like your coffee with 6 pumps of vanilla. Iced. I know your left temple throbs when you're thinking of what to say. I know you 5 CDs of artists that you don't know (or like for that matter) in your car. I know that the way you touched my spine gave me chills. I know that you laid in my arms and said that I was the only person you loved to be around. I know you look up when you're trying not to cry. I know you looked up when you talked about college and leaving me. You looked up when you mentioned that I should move on. You looked up when I broken heartily said that I would and it didn't matter. I know that you used to give me the cup with more coffee. I know you were terrified of life more than death. I know you stay up till at least 2 am thinking about your future. I know you cared and that's why you left. But I don't know what to do with this love I still have for you?

It's 4:36am
and here I am
Face down on the floor with wet, swollen eyes that won't seem to stay closed.
4:37
the sun will shine in a few hours, but the light can't keep the darkness of my heart away.
4:38
I thought you were an open door to save me
turns out you were an open window for someone else.
4:39
Winter is coming up soon and our pictures are coming down,
but pain isn't a season or a memory. It's here to stay.
4:40
My heart is damaged just like you said I was. I'm saying good bye to the world. Good bye to you.
May my dreams put me 6 feet under tonight.

I don't know if it was you or if I just got nervous or both, but when you called me "beautiful" the butterflies in my stomach felt like fire burning.
I don't know if it was you or I just got scared or both, but when I saw you with her I could't help but get angry, the butterflies in my stomach evolved to hornets.
I don't know if it was you, or my past haunting me or both, but when you sang "Chasing Cars" to me, it reminded me of the one who broke me entirely and the butterflies in my stomach turned to emptiness as I fell on my bedroom floor crying that night.
I don't know if it's you, or me, or both, but I have no idea what we are but everything seems right even when its wrong.

In the early spring of 2011, my mother and my father sat me and my brother down on the living room.
I looked at the clock 8:03.
8:04: they say they love us and always will
8:05: they say daddy made a mistake
8:06: they day daddy says he can never forgive himself.
8:07: my mom forces back tears.
8:08: my heart suddenly feel heavier than the world
8:09: my mom says she will always be there even while daddy is away.
IN THE SIX MINUTES I REMEMBERED EVERY SINGLE ROAD TRIP WE TOOK, EVERY SINGLE BIRTHDAY WE CELEBRATED, EVERY GAME O MONOPOLY AND CLUE AND CANDY LAND. I REMEMBERED FALLING OFF MY BIKE INTO THE ARMS OF MY IN LOVE PARENTS. I REMEMBERED THE KITCHEN SMELLING OF MAPLE SYRUP AND BACON. I THOUGHT OF 204,693 REASONS WHY MY PARENTS LOVED EACH OTHER AND THEY COULDN'T EVEN THINK OF ONE. I THOUGHT "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? HOW COULD YOU TEAR THIS FAMILY APART?"

WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?

Tell my sister that I'm sorry.
Tell my other sister I'm sorry she had to be the one to tell my mom, I was afraid she would try to change my mind.
Tell my brother I wasn't bluffing.
Tell them that this was my apology to them.
Tell my grandmother to please open up the gates, I know this isn't how she wanted to see me but this world got too heavy on my shoulders.
Tell her....never mind I'll tell her myself.
Tell the blood to be quick about it.
Tell the pain I said goodbye and tell goodbye I said hello.
Tell depression that it won.
Tell my doctor that the medication didn't work. (It never did)
Tell John, my love, that EVERYTHING has his name on it. Tell him he makes this world spin.
Tell Sara I'm sorry I couldn't be her maid of honor at her wedding.
Tell Lacy she's right, I would do it.
Tell Brandon I imagined it was him pulling the trigger.
Please don't tell my little brother. Please don't tell him unless he asks
Ask my dad that if we make it to the same place if he could maybe talk to me first this time?
Tell my feet stop running.
Tell my body keep the pills down.
Tell Jessica, I know, don't follow me.
Tell my exes to whisper my name...now they know the sound of a dodged bullet.
Tell the ER it looks like temporary. Tell the ER I'm gonna rename it my father's presence.
Tell the nurse don't smile and hold my hand.  For Christ's sake don't look like my mother
Don't tell me I can heal.
Don't lie to me now.
Don't try to give me a reason to stay or something to live for.
Don't name my brother or my two year old cousin's smile.
Don't make me change my mind.
Don't make me want this. Please
Please don't make me want this.

Plea-

My name is Courtney. My favorite colors are black and white because that's how I see everything. I'm usually loud in places I should be quiet and quiet in places I should be loud. I usually laugh too much, and smile when I don't want to. I like to meet new people but I don't like having super close friendships.
I like being left alone, most days I never leave my room.
I'm a scorpio but to be honest I have no idea what that means.
I have an odd fascination with things like the ocean and lights and coffee.
I like temporary things and that's why I tend to love people who could never love me back.
Its safer that way. Relationships only remind me that I'm not afraid of spiders or heights or rollercoasters but I'm terrified of everything that can be felt but not seen.
I have a purple heart. I got it because I'm constantly beating myself up about things and people I can't fix or make better.
I always try to swallow my pride but I choke on the words I can't say and my self esteem drowns out anything and everything that could be good or right in my life. My self esteem hates anything that could ever get close enough to hear me breathe. My self esteem is so scared of anyone that could ever hurt me like when I was 8 years old living through world war 3 in the place I called home.
I never sleep in complete darkness because that forces my eyes to see nothing but only feel what I'm afraid of.
I can't read letters without them being proof read first. I'm always so afraid that it'll blood stained by someone I love saying goodbye.
I hate goodbyes. I hate leaving doors open because open doors eventually get shut and that closed door stings more than any tear that ever rolled down my cheek.
This sounds so weird, but I wonder what my demons say about me when I'm not around. I wonder if they laugh at my weakness. I wonder if they were there when my friend heard me throwing up my pain into the toilet in my school's bathroom. I wonder if they saw me try to rip out the happiness of every picture I saw the boy I loved and his new girl in.
I don't allow myself to cry as often as I need to. I don't let myself grieve. I don't allow anyone to know anything about the first 13 years of my life. Because I know once I open that door, they will be scared of such a damaged me, that they will close it before I finish the story.
I do believe in God. I believe he didn't save me. I believe I've had to save myself all these years until I let him save me.
I'm Courtney. Nice to meet you.

I want that waking up at 6 am to make you breakfast kind of love,
that my friends think I'm absolutely crazy kind of love
the kind of love that is reckless and addicting
that I don't care what you look like I just want to stay up all hours to share secrets kind of love
that every time I see you my heart throbs kind of love
that I see you upset and you don't have to say anything and I already know what to do kind of love
that stand next to me because I love you kind of love
that "you can have the cup with more coffee" kind of love
that you get my heart and the world gets the worst of me kind of love.
that you are my everything kind of love.

It's the small things that make me love you.
Like the way you pause in the middle of sentences to thing of what to say.
And the way you touch the middle of my back when you know I'm sad.
The way you push your hair back out of your face.
The way you laugh at my unfunny jokes.
The way your hazel eyes light up in our favorite cafe.
The way you always apologize with a crooked smile and eyes to the floor.
The way you smile with teeth (unlike usual) when your favorite song comes on the radio.
All these things made me fall in love with you.

I never loved you more than I did the moment you left me.

the silence has more to say than I'd like to hear

I'm honestly so stuck right now, my poetry lately has ****** and I'm so out of it nothing I write has any bit of emotion in it.
I feel really empty without poetry but I feel too empty to write. I'm stuck in a ditch right now with no way to get out.
I'm sorry this probably doesn't belong here, but no one I know even knows I write poetry so I don't really have anyone to talk to.

Have any of you guys experienced this? Message me please. I don't want to be alone on this.

I JUST WANT TO FORGET THE WAY YOUR LIPS TASTED AND THE SOUND OF YOUR VOICE AND YOUR LAUGH AND THAT STUPID LITTLE SMIRK AND THE WAY YOU RUN YOUR FINGERS THROUGH YOUR HAIR AND THAT SMILE WHEN YOUR FAVORITE SONG CAME ON THE RADIO AND THE SCREAMS TO GOD IN THE SHEETS AND THE BRUISE LOOKING MARKS YOU MADE ON MY CHEST AND THE YOUR SINGING VOICE AND YOUR FAMILY AND YOUR BIRTHDAY AND HOW YOU PUT VANILLA IN YOUR COFFEE AND THE FACT THAT YOU'RE SUCH A NERD YOU'LL READ THIS AND HATE THAT IT'S A RUN ON SENTENCE SO YOU'LL FEEL THE NEED TO REWRITE IT WITH CORRECT PUNCTUATION AND I ESPECIALLY HOPE ONE DAY I FORGET THAT I EVER LOVED YOU AND THE WAY I FELT WHEN YOU LEFT.

I can't explain our relationship. Yes I'm hurting, but I'm happier with you than without you.

Isn't it crazy how I have filled almost 3 spirals with thoughts of you when you won't even talk to me or tell me your thoughts.?

I know you pretend like I don't have pages and pages of poems about other guys.
I know you pretend like I didn't tell you about the time I cheated on my boyfriend last year.
I know you pretend like you didn't hear me throw up in the bathroom down the hall.
I know you pretend like you didn't see the scars on my wrist.
I know you pretend that all the things that aren't perfect about me don't exist and maybe that's why "you and I" will never be "us"

"Tell me about your family."

Before I tell you about my family I must warn you.
My family story isn't a happy one
It's not a story full of Christmas cards and family game nights.
It's not picturesque. It's not a story of smiles and laughter.

It's a story full of guilt and self hatred.
It's a story composed of slamming doors and cigarette burns.
It's me on the floor crying questioning my self worth.
It's my mom holding a bottle of anti-depressants that she always claimed were asprin.
It's my brother seconds before attempting to take his own life.
It's my sisters leaving to live with my grandparents.
It's my dad living behind bars. He couldn't keep his hands to himself.

Before you ask about my family...

You should know my family's story is one that only knew absence and hatred. It never loved. It never cast out my demons, in fact it's the reason they're there. It never said "good job." It never comforted. It never made anything better.

the sweetest poems I ever wrote were when I claimed to hate you.

I see you all the time.
I see you in crowded cafeterias and I remember you getting up to get sweet tea
I see you in open fields and I remember memories made at that little camp
I see you on empty concrete curbs like where we sat when we talked that Wednesday night.
I see you when I look at empty beds and I remember how you used to lay on your stomach and glance and smile at me.
I see you in full pews and empty alters and I remember how you were too nervous to walk to the alter.
I see you post pictures alone (without me) and I wonder if they look as empty to you as they make me feel
It's been 159 hours since I last saw you and all I can say is I miss you more than anything.

I'm so in love with you that my mind is too boggled with adjectives to use to describe you I can't even try to write poetry.

You leave me speechless.

Why do I feel like a stranger in my own home?
Isn't "home" supposed to be the place where you feel free?
Instead all I get are condescending glaces and remarks that make me want to curl up into a ball.
I've been avoiding all mirrors.
How could I see myself as beautiful when the only people who were supposed to love me wouldn't care if my body went up into flames.?
This is my home...but I feel so alone.

What is so wrong about romanticizing pain?

No, pain is not beautiful.
But can one not see the beauty in loving someone so much that it hurts your heart physically and emotionally?

Isn't love that makes your whole body numb beautiful?

but I can't forget you without forgetting myself.

I met you and a week later I knew I'd be staring at the stars hoping you were doing the same every single night.
You're one thousand eight hundred seconds away.
That's one thousand eight hundred seconds too many.
I miss you so much.
I miss you more than my body can handle.
I miss you almost as much as I love you.

*john, six hundred and four thousand seconds wasn't enough time with you

The sad thing is that you bruised my heart so bad I can't even get my fingers to wrap themselves around a pen to write about it.

I used to look at abandoned houses and thought nothing of them until I became one myself.

I opened the hall closet and pulled an orange box from the top shelf...
in there was your yellow sunglasses I almost broke so you told me to keep them,
the two birthday cards you got me this year because "just one isn't enough,"
receipt from places we went, brochures from places we wanted to visit,
a picture you drew me on old notebook paper,
a tennis ball we stole from our favorite park,
an envelope with my name on it,
32 pictures of you and I, when my eyes still had life in them.

I took everything out, and put it on a table.
I realized things that used to mean everything, now mean nothing

*And I cried

and cried

and cried

Hey its me.
Baby I'm so sorry for yelling at you.
I'm so sorry I cried and asked you to leave.
The truth is my heart is a black hole without you here.
I don't know if its too late to ask, but love please come back to my arms.
I don't know if you care anymore but I promise I always loved you, even when body ached with my own sadness.
I need you here with me now. I swear I'd cross oceans if it would make you come back.
I would put my heart in your hands to prove to you that only your love can make my heart beat.
I'm sorry I thought for the split second I thought I loved him.
I didn't.
I couldn't.
I love you. I love you so much.
Please come home.
Please call me back. I really do love you.


*bye

If it doesn't set your insides on fire, is it really love?

You were almost the one.
You almost loved me.
We almost made it.
We almost had the time of our lives.
I almost understood the five heartbreaks before you.
I was almost content with how the constellations looked down on us.

*but almost never got anyone anywhere

Dear Lover,
our love used to be a half full kind of love.
a love that always saw the light at the end of the tunnel
butterflies would take flight in my stomach at the sound of you voice.
your arms were my home, my sanctuary.
you were the light in my life, the sugar in my coffee.
you turned my blood red.
your fingerprints touched my heart and made me stronger.
I can never thank you enough for that.

if I could erase all the words I'm about to tell you from my heart,
and erase all my actions from my mind
it still wouldn't be able to stop my body from aching in my own guilt.
I met someone. His name is John.
he reminds me of watching Saturday morning cartoons in my favorite PJ's
his voice a song only an angel can copy

our love was once half full and now its half empty.
the butterflies sleep when I'm with you.
our love has died. our love is empty. I feel dead with you

The truth is John brings those butterflies back to life in the same way you once did.

I'm sorry....I'm so sorry

I'm in love with someone else

-Your lover

If God had a heart, he wouldn't have let me meet you, because he knew I'd fall in love.
If God had a heart, he wouldn't have let you ask for my number, because he knew I'd become dependent on a "good morning"
If God had a heart, he would've closed every movie theater, coffee shop, and bowling alley, because he knew millions of hugs and kisses and "I love you"s would be created there.
If God had a heart, he would've taken every "I love you" and "baby" and "you're my world" away from your lips because he knew one day I'd be on the floor wondering where we went wrong and if you ever meant a thing.
If God had a heart, my bed wouldn't feel so big right now. So lonely. So cold.
If God had a heart, he would've made you live somewhere else, because he knew I'd love you and everything that you are. He knew I'd fall so hard and I wouldn't ever leave my bathroom floor when you left. He knew I'd drink your favorite coffee to remember how your lips tasted. He knew I'd wonder if you were even real. He knew I'd be looking at how the stars look like the constellations in your eyes, hoping you were doing the same, just like you used to say Orion's belt and the big dipper were in my eyes.

*I hope you see the stars and think of me

It seems like everything I touch, I destroy.
I touched your car, I broke the glove box.
I held your mom's favorite coffee cup and watched it shatter to the ground.
I never had a pair of headphones work for longer than a few weeks.
I scratched up your favorite CD.
The crack of your phone was by my doing.

*You let me hold your heart and since that day it's been in a thousand little pieces, and even the apologies won't heal the scratches.
Even your black coffee isn't strong enough to remove the taste from my lips.

I saw you and I knew right then that this would end with me on my bedroom floor wondering why the constellations were against us.