I am trying to pull myself together
Every single day, trying to make it through
I can't do this

I feel like a dog pulled by the neck
I can't seem to breathe and my breath has become someone else's
My feet are buried deep and I'm destroying the flowers I'm being dragged through

I stopped eating from the hand that once was there
I miss it but I can't seem to piece it all together
How something so full could pass faster than the weather

I can't stand on my own, I can't do this
I saw the beauty in things other's didn't
This beauty was never beautiful
Everything I did seemed to be wrong

I am everywhere yet I can't seem to grasp a hold of myself
My thoughts through my fingers
My breath is not mine anymore

I clearly remember your touch against my skin
From the goosebumps, to the very hair on my ******* standing
I wanted to run away but that only happened in my head

Two years later, I am constantly reminded with this engraved
You're happy in a two year long relationship
As I type this, my hair stands and I want to puke again

I never wanted to feel trapped and obliged
Ever since then, my hair never grew longer than to touch my shoulders
My skin was the only thing I could not change

But I tried
To lift as much skin off from my body to rid of what was left of you
To lift the memories, to make myself clean again
Till now, the hair on my arms remain, I am forever afraid

The thing about me is that
I write what I feel with so much positivity
Only to ruin my wrists again after a year

The thing about me is that I type texts
And I smile across the table to make sure someone eats
With that I shake my head saying that "I have no appetite"

The thing about me is that I love to run
I run and run, past trees, past people
All in all, I run away from myself.
The mirror behind the 4th door down from my living room

The thing about me is that I desire to be loved
Praying to God each day for him
Yet when he comes, I'll break up with him within a day

The thing about me is that I am every way of the word
Conflicted
I want to be alive yet I want to wave from above

It's been a near two years since I fell out of love with you
We were never together and I concluded we never meant

Fast forward to now, I knew that  I learnt a lot about love
When I was out of it
And when you grabbed my hand for the first time since then
I'm happy to say

I was first to leave

I wrote a pile of letters to you
Words unspoken most are true
I burnt three when you left
Two months later I saw you again and I wrote to tell you how I missed you but it got lost amongst the other heart breaks
I burnt another three letters
I saw you with your new girl, how you were laughing more than you did when with me
I burnt another letter
I woke up a year later wondering why did I waste all this time over you.
I felt suffocation but yet it was supposed to be over
Why am I still haunted over the fact that I loved you more?
I took all the letters I wrote and this time,
I threw it out

You looked good today

It's been awhile I've seen your smile reflected in your eyes
You were looking at her but that's okay

I just got off the phone with you and you sounded the same like you did when you liked the one who broke you
You weren't talking about me but that's okay

You were crying, talking about how life was so cruel, how she broke you and how you were never falling in love again
You got together with your fifth girlfriend and her eyes tell a different story but that's okay

It was all okay to me. How you kept loving the wrong girls. You never looked at me that way but that's okay because I was there when you were fragile and I am there when your feelings are raw.

It's okay if you didn't feel the same towards me
I just want to see you happy

How fortunate it was to have someone to confide in
Despite the spend of such a short time
Or maybe time just passed too fast when I was falling
Again

What happened those 4 years surfaced again
Am I one of the lucky ones?
Was God warning me not to fall too fast
Right one but wrong time

******* how I wished
Wished you felt the same I did
Where did your word go?
Am I really lucky?

I know you've been drinking more
And I guess it wouldn't be fair if I didn't say
I'm falling apart too
I'm running away from you

Love is who your happiness depends on
And I guess that's true because I haven't smiled in awhile
It's been awhile but I just want to say
I am forever grateful

Coming to think of it
I've come across many perfect souls
The souls where everything fell in place so well with mine
The coincidental matching clothes
The not-so coincidental birthdates
But as i grew older,
I realized more and more
For the soul I'm looking for
Is a not too perfect one
He's the one with a broken heart that fits mine
He's the one who's flaws that loves mine
And in the end
Him who I will love
Loves me for who I am
And I guess that's what makes me love him

I think the hardest part of loving someone
Is the prologue
It's the small talks
The casual glances
I think the aches of missing someone
The wanting to know him
The know that he is someone you'll fall deep for
To be sure that this is a risky choice
Yet I am all in to fall in love again and again
In love with souls I've yet to meet
All the more with the ones I've yet to know

Before my eyes laid on you
My soul has already rejoiced in your presence
A name to a face
A face to a name
You laid your hands on me
I thought you were pouring your soul to fill mine
4 months later
My soul guides me to walk towards you
I know the way like I am walking home
Each foot step takes me higher
Each breath, another minute to seeing you
I enjoy your soul with mine
For once, I am not afraid

They say all roads lead to Rome
And I found out much older
That people mistook the R for a H

It felt like the Great Big Bang
When everything from nothing became
And I got up and kept walking

And walking

I had everything
But everything felt too perfect
Too pieced together
Like it was there but so near to falling apart

Nothing joint up
Nothing was so flawed
Until I looked up and met your Gaze

My knees felt weak
My knees felt weak
My knees felt weak

I WAS WEAK

You took me in your arms
And they weren't perfect
But maybe that was when everything
It all felt so perfectly pieced together

**I found home and it was never close to 4 white walls that echoed

It felt like i was learning to breathe again
Having you on my mind was so refreshing
It was like a baby's first cry
It turned my black to white

Stained by hope
I started to learn how it was like to love
I looked into your eyes and thought it was my father's
It felt so comforting

**It almost felt like he was still around

I didn't see it coming
How it would've felt when I saw you kissing her head
How your arms are wrapped so tightly around her waist
I had to look twice because I thought I had noticed a tinge of blue on her skin
I later realized that my tears were stained blue
My body couldn't take me pushing the impossibilities of seeing you with someone else
And now I look down
I start to mistake myself for the ocean

I think the funny part is really
That it has past 4 years of loving you
I still think of those 4 am conversations
You told me to call you whenever I had a bad dream
We talked about our dreams and what we wanted to be

I knew I didnt say this back then but what I really wanted
Was for that wherever we may be
We will be together

But its is close to 4 am and your voice is distant
You're 20 kilometres away and 22 train stops too close
I don't remember what your voice felt like
The only thing that remains is the feeling of when you left

At fourteen, I didn't deserve to be in this way of being. Eyebags 4 years young and a newly broken heart, stubborn for loving the wrong person over and over. That is one of the stories I have under the crease on my face I'll have when I'm 93 and dying. If only I lasted till then for my smoke filled lungs are turning old and my throat is constantly burning. The etching thought of you still in my head none of which anything could take away but thank god for dying into new at 14 because now I don't love you as much as I did and maybe this is God's way of saying I'll be okay. But what do I know about all these *******,I'm 14 anyways

I walked through the evening bustle at the market and that was when I saw a woman. The only thing making her stand out from the rest is the glow of calling surrounding her. Skin caved in and I knew for all the lines on her body creates the story of the way her heart got broken at 14. The terrible things she did and 4am yells to god to forgive her. She begs for his mercy and help. God bless her now 76 years later lays a smile on her face though skin carrying the emotions she had and will have in her life.

Loving somebody is such a weird thing
You can have such a burning passion for them
But the next moment you can hate their guts
First loves
First love
You are the one I will never forget
They say love cannot be gotten over
Well **** that
You are going to have many first loves
You are going to love the next person more than the first
You will fall in love with people
One day
You'd be at your deathbed thinking
First love were you my first love
When you look at your lover in the eyes
And think
I didn't know I could have loved someone
I didn't know I could even love anymore

I tend to sit still alone in my room
Certain nights
The feeling of being unloved comes to me
Am I really not loved by anybody
I take strolls in the middle of the night
Who cares when I'm gone
What am I really doing?
I take steps out of my body
I travel to a different part of my body
I try to embrace it
Maybe it is something worth loving
Maybe I am worth loving

It's weird how I probably had written a thousand poems
About one guy and it made me really grow and learn a lot of things
I guess and it also taught me I could love someone so much
And I should start to love myself

I didn't deserve it
The 4 am nights alone in bed
Inhale
Exhale
It was always the same
I couldn't breathe
I was sinking and sinking
I didn't know the ocean what bottomless till I met you
I didn't know that I could love someone so much for so long
I didn't know I could love
But now I know
I was just so ******* wrong

Loneliness
Do you really know the meaning of it?
I know how it feels to feel lonely in a group of people
That ******* cliché definition
But don't for once ******* say you know how it feels
Because I know how it feels
To be stuck on the bathroom floor
No one to even call in to check up on me
No one to feel loved by
Not knowing there is someone
Waiting for me in 4 months
Don't ever for once think that that is a short time
A day was enough to set me off
4 months left me dead
With the memories of dark times
I will never forget
Times like those ******* make me grateful
Appreciative for the ones who even want to go out with me
The tiny acts
So don't ******* think for once that you know how it ever felt
To be truly ******* lonely
To know that no one cared

I don't know how I'm feeling
I hope the thoughts of you stay in the year behind
All these useless ******* feelings
Those lonely nights up till the sun rises
I don't want to have you on my mind any longer
All you got me was ****** up
I never realised how it all was so stupid
I got over you
I will get over him
I will get over the next and many more
All feelings
All nothing

I can't sleep
What is it to sleep
When the only thing I see when I have my eyes closed
Is you
Your face
Your hair
Oh *******
I am so mad at you and yet I feel nothing
I don't know how I feel about you
About us
Is there even an us?
It was always you
Always

It's been four years
When people ask me what's it I like about you
I'm starting to forget
Well that is a good thing
But then I start to question
Was it your eyes?
The way they looked into my to assure me you were there
Was it your hair?
That fell so perfectly though you could never stand it
Was it the way you talked?
The proudness in your voice followed by the sadness in your eyes
I step back and look at you
****, I fell in love with everything

Your touch
I don't think it can ever compare too his
You held my hands
You brushed the tip of your fingers on the sides of my tummy
You squeezed me as you hugged me
You ran your fingers through my hair
But no
None of it felt right
I didn't long for it to be him instead
Because all he had to do was hug me and all negativity was gone
Touch me once and I didn't have to think twice he was made for me
But all you left on my skin was the rows of doubts and the uneasy feeling that it didn't feel right

My heart beats so incredibly fast
And I didn't know it could have gone so fast
I thought I could've died right there and then
But my heart started beating slower and slower
Each time my eyes met yours
And in the end the story of hate turned into love
The way my heart beated first turned from a fiery hatred
To a soft love for the boy who I cant stop loving
Despite the way he smokes,
The way he lights up every cigarette.
The way he gets his heart broken over and over by
A girl who is made of poison and he, so immune,
Keeps getting hurt knowing that nothing can break his walls down
But I love him.
The same boy who laughs at me
And caused the salty ocean to flow down my cheeks
And for the bees that stung my finger tips
The blood that stained my hair

Maybe the only thing that came good out of loving you
Is that 4 years later
I'll be a much better person that I was before
I don't take love so simply anymore
I don't fall in love just at the words of a boy
I won't let myself get beaten up over again
I still think twice before doing anything
And I still think about you a lot
I think about my mistakes
And I think about yours
It all taught me a lot
One of the most useful things it taught me was that
*Everything is temporary

Out of courtesy or not
I noticed I can't stop apologizing
I can't stop apologizing for the times bump into someone
Make someone's day a tad bit worse by misunderstanding something
Or for the times where I don't put my message across
Because I felt like those were the things
The things I overlooked when you were with me
I felt too comfortable that I stopped apologizing
And maybe I was the reason for the days
The days you just did not talk to anyone
Avoided any eye contact
But now since you decided to pick yourself up
Kick me out and leave alone
I am constantly left here
With Sorry washed over all other words I knew
I'm sorry for the times I made you angry
I'm sorry for the times I made you upset
I'm sorry for the times I made you worry
I'm sorry for the times where I didn't say I was sorry
I'm sorry that maybe I'm still the reason why
You're beating yourself over and over
I'm sorry but please come back

You don't need to reply my text in a ten to make me like you
You don't need to have a perfect skin condition
You don't need a artistically beautiful shaped accent
Nor do you need to sweet talk me into anything
Because you see
The boy who I loved had none of those things
We talked till the sun rose though now if I ever get a text from him
I will be as excited as if there was a solar eclipse occurring
His skin had many pimples but and his hair was another story
But I looked pass those and saw the way the dimples on his cheeks
Rose out and I saw the way his brown eyes lit
They were the most beautiful things I have seen
I no longer know his imperfections because I have fell in love
With every one of them
He never could complete a sentence without stopping to clear his throat
Though now he speaks well and high
But I am still in love with his long pauses
His pimples
His little stupid comments
Maybe now I have learnt
Maybe now things would be better
Maybe love could be better
After all
What is worse than falling in love with the most
Stupid boy

I don't think I can ever really find someone
someone who feels the same about love as me
Loving someone can be reckless
But you should never ever be loving two people at once
NEVER
I don't think the excuse of being drunk or lonely
Makes up for cheating on the one you
loved all so dearly
I have been drunk
I have been lonely
But never have I saw the need to love another person
Because you were the reason why I needed the drink
The little too many cigarettes
The ******* mornings where I can't move an inch out of bed because the thoughts of you were keeping me up all ******* nigh

Because I have seen how it was to have you on the other end of the table
Your hand on mine
I couldn't stop shaking but all of sudden I stopped
You told me to look up and to tell you what was wrong
But how could I while I was being so weak and the reason was you

Well what would I know about the boy who is more afraid of falling in love than staring at death straight in the eye long enough to have his mind read?
Well how would I know how it feels to spend 4 straight days of sleepless nights thinking about the ocean under my ribs waiting to burst because you threw me into the never ending possibilities and told me that it was possible that you could leave at the push of the button?
Well why would I drown my thoughts at 3 am and wash my hair with a little too much of a bottle of alcohol and a little too few blue pills to keep me hallucinating that you were and will always be there by my side?
Why would I keep walking through the same alleyways and tiny streets at the tick of silence when I could walk alongside the old drunkard who lost hope and told me to fix myself before he fixes me?
How do I keep seeing you in everyone I talk, see, smell, feel, but I have never seen it in you?
But how in the world would I know how all that feels when I'm only 14?

I think I have in love enough times t know that love is like a shadow
You never really see it until you shine a light upon that certain someone
And realise that after all those months you have loved him from the start.
I know love enough to have seen it even when there was nothing to illuminate it, to tempt it to reveal itself
I know what love is enough to say that I am beyond terrified to fall in love
I don't want to spend another  20 months not knowing I loved him till he goes and with that silent absence I feel the shadow creeping in
I don't want to fall in love because the only person I have fell in love with is you and look at what I am now

I think one of the first steps to loving someone
Is being able to imagine yourself with them
As cliché as it sounds
It's true
People are only able to imagine themselves happy with the other
But to loving isn't just staying for the happy but to stay for everything
Imagine being sad with him to cradle you in his arms
Imagine being angry with him at your door with takeout
Imagine being jealous as he assures you back and forth you're the only Thing on his mind and he has never planned to let you go
Imagine those 5 am mornings where you cant seem to find a place to Rest and him picking up his phone because he set his phone to the Fullest volume for you as he knew what a hard time it was for you.
Imagine him feeling the same way about love.

I still remember you ever so clearly,
the night you called me and told me you’d never leave me
and that’d you would protect me.
You said you care but you were the same one who left me
and the same one you stripped me of everything I loved.
I cried and cried over something I couldn’t get back anymore.
I longed to feel the same way I did as when I was with you,
you made me feel more alive
than the wounds on my arms and my stomach
and more secure than
when my mother kissed my forehead before I went to bed.

Funny how 12 year olds are falling in love
In and out of relationships
Thinking they know what love is
Here am I at 14, who loved a guy for nearly a 48
I was at 7 terrified that I could not love someone the way my parents loved
Though now at this moment I realised I made a huge mistake
I rushed
Plunged into it all
46 months I am at begging God to save me
To take away this craving for I know it is not meant to be