It happened in waves.

The first wave simply brought confusion. A state of denial, a hope that none of it were true. For the first time my heart stopped and I thought the world would stop spinning around me, but it didn't.

Second, came hatred. Self hatred, hatred for others, hatred for love happiness and affection. It's consuming - the self loathing. Questions like "why wasn't I good enough", "will I ever be good enough" , "I am too damaged to be loved", "was anything he said true or was it all just an act". For thinkers such as I, this wave is the most dangerous. Often I was left to ponder my actions, reactions, memories. Which brings the next wave.

The third wave: memories. Memories of both the good and the bad. Memories of the smiles and the tears. It hurts, it's confusing. I was fire and he was gasoline, we were made to compliment each other. Yet somehow, we caused destruction instead. How did we go so far to simply crash and burn? Was it my fault? Was he genuine at all? Memories grab you and keep you in the past. They take away all opportunities at a future. Do not stay in this all consuming wave.

Next was the bitterness. Bitterness against him, myself, my family, love. Everything. Much like hatred I held onto the wrongs done to me. I kept them close, in the front of my mind. As if remaining bitter would change the past.

Fifth was when the burden began to lift. Suddenly he wasn't the only thing occupying my mind. Our love, mistakes, and lies - it all began to fade. I couldn't remember his smile, the warmth of his touch, the sound of his laugh, the security of his embrace or the comfort of his voice. They were gone. I was full of a complex feeling of both freedom and suffocation. I didn't know how to react to this loss, but suddenly it became real. I didn't go to sleep dreaming of him, nor wake up longing for him. I simply... existed.

In this sixth and final stage I am content. I can breathe, dream, love, laugh. He is no longer the center of my universe, but simply another planet in my galaxy. I feel a sense of freedom. I am no longer bound by his lies, burdens, restrictions, deceit, or display of love.

It happened in waves, but I've weathered the storm. It's time to rebuild.

why do I fall so fastly?

haven't I learned I would save myself

a whole lot of hurt by slowing down?

hopeless romantic I am but gosh ****

this shouldn't be as bad as it is.

tired of the single life, terrified of the
dating life: I just want to feel wanted.

the warm sun hits my face and here i sit thinking:
if I was still to be counting the days since the last time I felt at home
when my lips were on your lips
and our bodies were intertwined-
i'd be wasting my precious time away.
you were never home,
you were more or less a hotel room
i had wrongfully mistaken for home.
you made me feel comfy&coz;;
for the time being and then kicked
me out as if i was nothing and then
quickly replaced me with new tenants.
joke is on you,
i might have thought i needed you
but i made it through the winter
without you& now spring is upon
us and i'm thrilled to further distance
myself from the time I messed up
by calling you "HOME"
thanks for not sticking around.
~CMD

yesterday i asked
how the sunset looked
by you
and you replied that
it was "nothing special,
just blue"
and i couldn't help but wonder
if you've ever felt the same way
about me.

We waste expensive lipstick
On cigarette butts
That are thrown out the window
And somehow ignore
That we do the same
With our lovers

Wanna know the worst part about falling in love with him?
I knew from the moment I met him, that I'd be falling alone.
I knew none of it was real, or authentic, or meaningful to him.
I was just another girl to him.
Just another listening ear, kind heart, forgiving spirit.
I was just another spark of joy, that needed to be snuffed out.
It *****, because I knew. I knew it.
I knew I'd fall, and I knew he wouldn't be there to catch me.
I knew and it still didn't stop me.
That's the worst part.
Everyday for weeks, I questioned his motives.
And everyday I got another lie, excuse, story.
I knew and I still let you push me over the edge.
I didn't care.
I wanted to believe you, believe in you, believe that people do change, are different, have a conscience.
But I was wrong to believe.
So I fell alone.

here you and i are again,
nothing is the same from the last time.
your presence feels as though it is a mirage.
surely this is because i thought that i finally found the strength to leave you behind.
**** it; how come you always make your way back into my life?
can't help but fail weak for allowing you to make amends with me.
you appear to be a changed person which is refreshing yet irritating.
the truth is, you can't change the hurt you caused me in the past.
you can say "sorry" til you're blue in the face, yet that takes nothing back.
hate to let you down or ruin your pride parade, i just need to do what's best for me once and for all. running back to your arms for the first time ever feels lethal.