I know its been a while old friend
but dont show it just do what your told
for the things we try for hardest
are the things that die saddest
Although its been a while
since your number i dialed
i still think of you, i try to lie
and hide behind a barely open door
i lost track of whats worth fighting for
But the day i opened my eyes i was shaken to my core
I try to look back but things could never be like before.
here i stay writing to an old friend that will never hear what i say
If only you knew the things i knew
youd see why your lies cant burn
if i cant hold them to a candle anymore.
I want to drop my facade for a second and say im broken shaken
and every person i see is mistaken for your ghost.
You visit me in my dreams. i start to talk but
have nothing to say.
since the day you chose to go away.
over things i never meant to say
in response to burning pain.
were over now and i cannot cave.
just keep swimming to my next wave.
who knows where this one leads
somewhere far from here
where i can repent for my evil deeds
tear apart my old world and leave no tears.
because where im going even angels fear.

~for Ketoma Rose~

money, far far easier for me
to gift, give, loan it out,
with very generous terms
of no repayment due
indeed, with my luck down,
the less I have,
the easier it is to share...

perfectly sensible to me
living with giving hands
and a
giving mouth

know that I know
that there are
a handful of you,
who read me with affection,
loyalty and a kind tenderness,
I cannot ever repay

so it makes me guilty+crazy,
keeps me up at night,
these obligations that cannot be
repaid without the hard work of
patient poem-waiting for inspiration
that comes so easily
only when it's ready

and this day I am ready
to pay down, pay toward,
please forward, give what
you have taken from me,
the pleasure of stating,
an adoration of thanksgiving,
a joining so profound,
that once found,
cannot be lost

and you dear reader,
can't fully share, or see these
gratitude-tears-I-am-currently-shedding

but voyeuring come along with the
knowing insight that I would want you too...

so you write from where your heart's
rip tides
rip you open and wider,
yet so oft it falls into the tears in
the pockets of only holes and neglect,
and you, ego-weak human
cannot understand
just how that can be...

but there you are,
Ketoma Rose,
by any and all your names,
liking my words,
and I crease wetness
upon my face tracks
wondering who you are,
and more over
the why
of who you are,
this wondering,
an agonizing
guilty pleasure,
a trouble I just
love having...

but bills must be paid,
and now this debt,
finally tiny-tad dented,
and the fact that the interest
upon it,
grows exponentially
is the
*best debt
I ever was given

Here is a gift, a gift for real
A gift like gem, the one that's sealed
Here is my heart, a heart that feels
A love so true, a love for real

Here in my heart, only you fills
The joy of life, take me for real!