I’m so hungry for you
To be driving fast
Along an open highway
Wind in our hair
Music blaring
Feeling so free
Together and alive
Pressure builds in my chest
I’m terrified
So much anger
Consuming me
Clouding my vision
What to do
Bear the tension
Burn clean

i want to write my pain out,
but it won't drip through my pen
it's been stuck there for five years,
a rotting clot inside my head.

Sometimes i force myself to cry,
so i don't drown in my emotions.
I pity myself until i am tired ,
then the nightmares come,
i dream of betraying you.

I haven't forgave myself.
I did not forget.
I was too young to understand,
the things i have done,
and what they meant.

I would never do it again,
never look the other way.
The words i say i will keep,
until God takes me away.

Will it ever be enough?
The life i'm willing to give to you?
Will my love be able,
for us to live this through?

i never used to smoke
but since you left,
it’s the only time i can seem to breathe

Dear Dad,

I'm sorry for not being faithful to you.
I'm sorry that I defy your teachings
I shouldn't have done what I did
I should have stop when I can
Now I can't turn back
Not on my own that is.
I'm asking for your help
Please save me
From the chains that I put myself into
I want you back in my life
Please show me the way
I have shattered heart
filled with the stains of Sin
I hated my Father
He has scared me in many ways
I forgave him and showed him
Love and Mercy
Yet he just stepped on it like dirt
In every morning I'm afraid
to hear the sound of his sinful entertainment
to hear and see what he is doing
It was awful, disgraceful and makes me feel furious
but the only thing I could do
Is to shut my eyes, plug in my earphones and cry
hoping that the sounds of music
can drown the dark torn that is piercing my heart
I hated him, I despise him
But God..
He is my Father
and I love him
I don't want him to go to hell
I don't want to go there either
So God please hear my prayer
I humble myself to you
Truly I am not worthy to be in your presence
But I beg for your mercy
Please forgive our sins
Cleanse us from inside out
Clear our hearts from anger and lust
and make us see your ways
Help us to live by them
And give us courage to never go back
to this darkness that clouded our mind
lured us so far away from you
Fill us with your Holy Spirit
and help us to honor your every word
not for my family, not for my Pastors
but for you, my one and only Father

Jesus..
Here is my life
Take it as a living sacrifice
Mold me according to your will
and May you be seen in every corner of my heart,
in every corner of my home and my family

This I write and humbly pray
in your name Father
Jesus Christ, Amen.

As trying to sleep turns impossible,

and struggling to take the next breath overpowers

the terrorism of knowing it may be my last,

I fall asleep for moments 'til fear of asyphyxia

forces my waking anew to the terror of knowing

I could have been dead

and if I fall asleep again I may be,

as well as the twist that

there's nothing I can do about any of it.