I look at your eyes and they
remind me of my despair over
my relationships.

Many days of late, I find myself
truly pondering whether or not I
am cut out to be a human being.

It seems my flaws are too many.
To quote Jesse Lacey, "my bright
is too slight to hold back all my
dark."

I wish, I could write poems about
how I'm getting better, but that
isn't the case. My emotional
life feels like a downward spiral.

I feel like I'm building toward
something. i don't feel I have
any happiness in anything I do.

My default is numb. It's so rare
that I experience happiness anymore.
Something is wrong with me.
Something is wrong with me.
Something is wrong with me.
I don't want to live like this.

I witnessed your birth.
Oak barrel wombs,
unknown fathers.
They presented you with so much pride
that I felt guilty refusing a taste.
So smooth.
Too smooth.
Unnatural.
Fire should not destroy so calmly.

You witnessed my redemption.
Your name on his tongue
returned me to a Dublin distillery
but I did not fear you.
His offering was one of comfort.
You didn’t hurt as much
with his eyes on me,
my lipstick on the rim of his cup.
I was perfectly warm
in the dead of winter.
Fire should not destroy so calmly.

You will witness my unapologetic sins.
I swig straight from the bottle
to prepare for my numb lips against his;
our numb tongues ruining lives.
It won’t hurt anymore.
You gave me courage.
You showed me intimacy, unflinching,
with your solo cup facade.
You put my heart in his hands
and watched us test the waters,
gently.
You will be there
when we collide again.
Fire should not destroy so calmly.

Sometimes I forget
how innocent you still are.
With the soul of an angel,
you're my shining star.
As sweet as pure sugar
with a heart made of gold.
A miniature miracle
for my arms to hold.
Your purity and hope,
your limitless dreams...
Sometimes I forget
what being a child really means.
So live wild and carefree
and sing your heart out!
Laugh till your tummy hurts,
feel happiness throughout!
Dance like no ones watching,
let nothing dim your view...
Sometimes I forget
to let you, just be you.
So, on those bad days
when I'm grumpy or mad,
if I say, "knock that off!!"
and it makes you sad...
Just remember, I love you,
more then words can ever say!
For you are the sunshine
that brightens my every day-

Sometimes I forget...

There were sixty-five
valentines for you
I colored the one from me
your favorite blue
I didn't know
the whole world loves you too
with sixty-four adversaries
I guess we could be through

So did they all say
"I Love You"
or "be mine today
& every day
I want to be your valentine
Be Mine"

or did they say that "I
only want to love you"
and after twenty solid years
could it really be we're through

There were sixty-five
valentines for you
I colored the one from me
your favorite blue

I can't fit my feet into
your shoes. So, I do
not know where it itches.

I haven't walked on your
heels. So, I do not know
how it feels to walk on
the roads that you walk.

I have not struggled to
unshackle those chains
that have for so long held
you captive. So, I do not
know how it feels to fight
your battle.

When I look at you, I see
sweet laughter fermented
into sour smiles as you try
to turn your back against
the world. The scars you
carry are a souvenir of the
many injuries you incurred.

And although I haven't
passed through your
experience, I can look into
your eyes and tell you this;
"I feel your pain".

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

There is nothing beautiful that came to be without effort. Even the flowers had to push through the dirt to show its face to the sun.