what's on my mind?
well i'm glad that you asked
as always, more than i can explain easily
it all started when i thought of a friend
whom i haven't spoken to since i turned 19
i remember her saying she moved far away
and then we just lost contact as i see that many tend to do
i'm lamenting about how those you used to know
only exist in your mind like a snapshot
a picture of where and when they were
not who they are now
maybe you know some about what they're up to
and well, maybe you don't
all that's for sure is they aren't them anymore
they've molted the skin of what they were
despite all you want
you can't change who they are in the present
back to whom they were when you knew them the best
and there's a sad truth to that
tthat everything eventually will become memories
some happy, some miserable.
but if you can learn to separate the pain
from the ones burned into your skull
maybe you can then learn to move forward with you life
and your car won't always be stuck in reverse.
yeah you won't always be staring through your rearview mirror.
permeating my daydreams yet again,
are these old memories so strong;
places and people of yesteryear
like a wall of static photographs
as I force my eyes awake and onto the road ahead
fearful apraxia screams to do otherwise:
life is best lived within the jailed bars
of what once was
yet one could hardly call that life.
for as I constantly seek to remind myself
the word for not changing is death.
7:30 am sharp, our alarm goes off.
i roll over, and look at you, nearly awakened from your sleep,
so very peacefully ignorant to the deadlines and requirements of the world.
and i smile.
your eyes open slowly, locking with mine, as your lips spread wide across your teeth
a small giggle erupting from your mouth.
mornings like these
ones i resigned to impossibility,
now so very commonplace
i can't fathom what life was like prior.
you could call it any bad word and it would fit.
i am whole here
anything i could dream is possible
with my courage as my lance
and your support, a shield
i will grasp that sense of completeness which i have longed for
i foresee death, washed up on the shores
of this island of self-pity i have shipwrecked myself upon
the absence of a willingness to change
mixed with my deprecating thoughts
is all i have consigned myself to drinking
knowing that i am unable to handle self destruction as a normal human would.
whereas one might lose themselves to alcohol
or another intoxicant
I chose to reach further and further into the despair that previously has spurred me towards growth
yet now leaves nothing but fumes to continually choke me.
will i spring out of this cocoon of hate?
or make another attempt to end it for real?
go somewhere greener.
be ******* neater.
often i am plagued with sudden perspective shifts into realisations of my poor behaviour
in this change I drearily daydream of a sudden departure from all those who surround me
off on a personal journey of self betterment
a transformation into a far more admirable human
far and away from the impulsivity and naïvete of my current existence
for i have always felt subtle change shocks none.
how precisely this metamorphosis occurs I haven't yet learnt
yet the final goalpost is clear
I return to collective awe from my friends
the weight of my poor eating habits gone
the doubt that choked me replaced with confidence and self assurance
and a burning heart ready to set the world on fire with its unapologetic love.
but as I rub my eyes and awaken from this vision
comes the bleak fact of where I am.
the starting point I always have knelt at, ready to bolt out of the gates
sans the knowledge of how to arrive at the end
perhaps this time I'll shed my gung-** nature first
and i will choose to carefully walk to my destination.
my worst fear has been realised.
the ascending night terrors i begged to be rid of
exploded like a thousand fireworks before my eyes
out of dreamland, into reality.
i swore up and down to myself
that the voices foretelling your inevitable betrayal
were nothing but the howling wind
of my deeply set insecurites.
yet today, it was confirmed.
engraved onto my very eyes,
you with another.
am used to this.
the burning and stabbing pain of being forsaken
being used as a fuel to feed another's growth
and when you had finished gulping your massive fill
your doubts were satiated.
like a child, bored of his new toy.
i was but a springboard
for you to launch into someone better.
the inbetweener of lovers
who is doomed to be forgotten
just as he always is.
as i walked past our old apartment
on another cold Saturday
every time I walked this path home from work
came flooding back at once
and i so desperately wished
i could run past the train tracks
through our complex
and up the stairs
back to the first experience i had living on my own
so that maybe
i could go back in time four years
and not repeat the disgusting mistakes
of my young adulthood
this time, I caught myself before the painful longing consumed me.
i have the same chances now that I did then.
new best friend.
i could easily fall back in patterns and make the same poor choices.
or, now bear with me here.
i could do everything right.
I just have to work for it.