I fell in love with him so easily. I was starstruck from the moment we first started hanging out, and I have been in awe of him ever since. With every passing month I knew that my feelings for him wouldn’t go away. He immediately got all of my love. My heart was his. I held him on a high pedestal so I was scared that one day he would throw it away and realize that my love wasn’t good enough. But nevertheless, I didn’t take my heart back. I wanted it to be his.

I took the risk of loving him, and it is still really scary. Loving someone gives them the power to hurt you. Sometimes I feel like I’m too vulnerable giving so much of myself to another person. But reflecting on all of this past time spent with him… I don’t want to take my heart back. All of the car rides where he touched my leg, all of the times he nudged me to silently ask if I was okay, the times when he would hug me, pick me up, and twirl me around... I would take any risk to have those moments. If I know that there is a chance to have these moments of happiness and love with him, I’m going to go for it. He is worth that risk.

This once beautiful soul, is filled with sorrow, fear, depression... My spirit glows dim, no longer bright.

I cry missing you, too, you know.
I never know how
To tell you.
Because it is always when you're
Happy
And I just
Can't
Ruin it.
It's when you're out somewhere laughing
And I wait for you to come back
That I feel how far away you are.
Or days
Just days when I am alone and silent
And maybe I just don't feel you through your words
Like I usually can.
And eventually I can't do it anymore
And I sit down
Head in hands
And cry because I can't touch you
Because I can't look at you.
It breaks my heart in a new way
One I've never felt before
And have never grown strong against.
My only real strength is in anger, and
There can be no anger in it
Because you are still mine, and I yours.
There is nothing to be strong against, just the waiting, and some days I can't bury it deep enough
And tears well up.
I miss your skin.
I miss your eyes and your soft hair.
I miss your voice in my ear.
I miss holding your hand.
And I don't hide it from you,
Far from, I tell you every day as you tell me.
But this...
This sadness.
I don't want it.
It cloys at me.
And I don't want it
Cloying at you.
And so sometimes I still sit in it and cry
Because you aren't angry with me
And you love me
And you speak to me every day
And you're the most wonderful person
I've ever met
And you're
So far
Away.

Maybe I leave with them because I can’t come home to you.

I remember the day when you were sitting on one end of the couch and I was sitting on the other one.

You motioned me to come and give you a hug
So I stood up and wrapped my arms around you while you were sitting

In that moment you pulled me down intentionally so I was there on the couch with you.

We stayed like that for a few minutes, cuddling....

And in that moment I realized that nothing could ever make me feel like I was home than being held in your arms.

Maybe I'm just really tired, I don't know.
But the moment I laid eyes on the night sky tonight
made me realize that you are not the center of my galaxy.
There's a vast universe I have yet to see
and you're just a microscopic dust
in the heart of space and time.
It's weird how I've let you ruin my entire world
but see, I'm rebuilding
and pretty soon
I'll be a planet again
with my own moons orbiting me and everything.
I won't stay here floating in the abyss forever
waiting for chances that will not come.
This time, I'll be my own big bang.
This time, I'll be my own creation.
I am my own universe.