we both know that
you're no good for me,
but we still find ourselves
knee deep in thoughts
about what we could have been

there were butterflies
that once flew around
behind my rib cage
every time i would see you
or when you were mentioned,
but it wasn't long before
the butterflies didn't see
the light of day
and, one by one,
they died.

now,
behind the dusty rib cage
in my body
there's several dead butterflies
that once held so much
meaning in each one,
too much time has passed
and when you finally came around again,
they were all dead.

i had to do damage control
when you left the first time,
i cracked open my
own rib cage and
picked up each butterfly
to give them a proper burial,
one that you never gave me
when you thought you had enough
and decided to just leave.

love at first sight
as not something
that she could believe in,
being able to fall for someone
just by looking at them
seemed too unlikely,
a ridiculous thought
that people over exaggerated in movies
and some people
were too naive
to buy it

everything changed
when she saw him
for the first time,
it wasn't love,
but there was definitely a spark

I love you
and I'm sorry for everything I said.
there were voices all around me,
telling me that you shouldn't be
with someone like me
and, for some reason,
I believed them.

I love you
and I know this is just another voicemail
sent to your phone
that there's the chance
you'll see my number
and decide to just delete it away.

I love you
and I'm sorry
for all of the stress I caused you.
maybe those people were right
when they said I didn't deserve you.
a soul so kind and precious
to this world,
I would only dull your shine.
I would begin to poison you
with every word that came out of my mouth
even when it was the honest truth
about how you make me feel.

I love you
and I'm sorry
for being the reason
that you don't trust others anymore.
I'm sorry
for all the times
I reached out to touch you
and the poison
would spread through
my fingertips
making its way to your heart of gold.

I love you
and I know I haven't stopped calling you,
but maybe if you answered the phone,
we could talk this through.
if you don't want to talk to me,
I understand.

I love you
and days have passed
and I've realized that I poisoned you.
I'm sorry I didn't warn you
ahead of time
that my heart has been blackened
for far too long.
too black to be changed
and I only know how to hurt others
to keep myself from getting hurt.

I love you
and I'm sorry.
I don't know how many times
I have to say it,
but I'm sorry.
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry,
I'm so so sorry,
I'm sorry.

I love you
and I'm sorry for breaking your heart.
it was never my intention,
but my body's defense doesn't
know any other way.
I've been broken one too many times
that my brain acts for my heart instead.
my brain acts out
and destroys whatever is closest to me
and that just happened to be you.
what I didn't realize
was that I was breaking my own heart
when I broke yours.

I'm sorry
and I love you.

you sent me
more mixed signals
than i could count on my fingers
but i always went back for more
because the pain was worth it

i sold my soul for you
to buy you a little more
time to breathe
and you didn't even
use your last breath on me

i guess it was all just a waste
because you never saw me that way,
i should have known
all along that i just
wasn't good enough for you

how selfish was I
to do things to make myself happy,
to want to travel,
to want to see just a little bit of color
in my own black and white world.

I was selfish to take myself
out of your world for a few days,
to make you have to fend for yourself,
to make you realize that I'm growing stronger.

I'm sorry I was selfish
about worrying about my own mental health,
I'm sorry that I dread coming back to our house,
that I feel myself constantly
on the edge of a breakdown
every time I return.

I'm sorry I was selfish
when I put my feelings before yours.
how dare I put my own happiness
ahead of yours...