I'm sorry I just kinda miss you.
It's been a long few months without you with me.
I wish I could have been over it as fast as you were.
I wish I didn't wake up hoping your arms are around me.
I want to be over it.
I want to be over all of it.
Every second we spent together
every time you touched me
I wish I could stop thinking about it.
I know "I love you" didn't mean much when it came out of your mouth.
It tumbled its way towards me, and I brushed it off.
Because I only say it to people, i do ******* love,
but you didnt care you hoped it would make me fall just hard enough so we could ****.
yet i took my time and said it went i meant it
well that was ******* stupid.
i knew from the moment we met youd be something to me
a close friend, someone to vent to on occasion
but never this.
i never thought i would spend countless hours thinking about you.
i never thought it would stop my ability to listen to my music
or even sleep at night.
i never thought anything of you.
and i guess that was my mistake.
well i hope you're happy now.
you got what you wanted
who was i to think that as a 17 year old id ever mean anything more to you.
how stupid was i to think that in your big busy world where you have yourself all figured out that i would mean anything more than a **** buddy.

i want to forget
the way your hand was so big
compared to mine
kind of like they were protecting mine
i want to forget
the way my body is cold
and yours is warm
and we balance out each other
i want to forget
your hands traveling
all around my body
and being comfortable with it
i want to forget
how after i touched you
i felt like i'd
never touched anything more important
i want to forget
the way that loving
you
didn't hurt
i want to forget
how happy i was
thinking we had more
time
i want to forget
how much i
******* miss
you

once a boy told me my eyes remind him of the ocean and i thought to myself what the **** is this boy high on. he then continued to explain that my eyes arent the kind of coffee brown that you could stare at while you slowly stir. my eyes werent the brown dirt of forests that he would set on fire just lovingly watch them burn. my eyes are like the ocean not because they are blue but because "have you ever tried to describe the ocean to a room full of blind?" he asked and i was still not sure what he was onto "well you cant because they cant grasp the idea the serenity of that picture you are describing to them because there is so much to it and thats what it is like with your eyes i can never fully grasp what it is but i can never gaze too long because it feels like they'd swallow me whole and i would always imagine what it would be like to describe your eyes to a room full of blind" then i understood what love was.

3:30- Laying on my bed ****** as **** thinking about your hands (i can't breathe properly)  Delivered
3:40- One day you'll stop answering the phone when I call and I'll never hear you call me baby love again (i hurt in places i can't touch)  Delivered
3:50- I say I love you even when you're not listening and I've learned to be okay with that (can't stop shaking)  Delivered  
4:00- I want out of this place I want to be where you are (save me)  Delivered  
4:10- And if you ever start to hate me, which you should, remember that I hate me more but never as much as I love you (I will always love you)  Delivered  
4:20- I apologize in advance if one day I'm drowning in ***** and spilling my tears into your voicemail (please pick up)  Delivered  
4:30- Suffocation in the form of thinking about someone else touching you (i can't ******* do this)  Delivered
4:40- I like to think that you can't live without me too, I'm always here when you decide to come back (stay)  Delivered
4:50- I'm talking out loud like you're still here but this sadness is weighing down my chest (and you're not here)  Delivered
5:00- Find me drunk at 2 am counting the stars and naming them after you (you always leave me breathless)  Delivered
5:10- I can't love you quietly im sorry you should never love a poet who vomits up there emotions and holds up the mess for reading (numb)  Delivered
5:20- I'm missing you in every moment like you are air and I am drowning (do you miss me too?)  Delivered
5:30- Who will walk me through losing you if you're who I would go to? (I have no one now)  Delivered
5:40- My hands are pens, I want to write novels on every inch of your skin and I want to write my secrets on your lips (I hope you don't ignore my texts)  Delivered
5:45- I've seen you 2 am crossfaded, 3 am panic attacks, 5 am endless tears, 6 am no coffee, and you have always been beautiful to me (always will be)  Delivered
5:50- Loving you is loving the way the world turns and loving you is loving sunsets and loving you is easier every day (I ******* can't stop loving you)  Delivered  
5:55- Sometimes loneliness ices my blood so my heart is left stuttering in my chest (not much longer now)  Delivered  
6:00-  The thing about aching is once it claws into you, for some reason, you want it to hold on and now I spend all of my time at home shaking at the seams and carving my name into the floorboards waiting for someone to ******* notice me. It used to be you. I miss you. **Not Delivered

I guess this is as real as it gets.
I stared at this blank page for a while trying to figure out how I wanted to express myself to you.
The easiest way to get my thoughts flowing was playing that Hedley song you once sang to me while we layed together on the black couch in my living room.
That couch isnt there anymore. Neither are you.
But it's that moment sits in my mind as though someone etched it there permanently and I can time travel back to that moment as soon as I hear the piano playing.
I remember how funny it was that you couldn't sing. But at the same time it was amazing that you remembered every lyric to that song and looked me in the eyes as if you meant every single word.
Ironic isn't it how it had to do with not letting me go.
Ironic that even if it sounded crazy, you were gone 2 months later.
I guess I should of seen your lose grip on my hands as a warning sign that you weren't staying,
I wasn't enough to make you stay and I guess that's why 6 months later I still lay in bed blaming myself.
They say if you love someone let them go and that seems like the most rediculous thing to me because I loved you more than I've ever loved anyone and watching you leave was just as hard as standing unarmed in the middle of a shooting range.
As pathetic as it is, I just want you to know. I want you to know how much I hate you for hurting me the way you did.
I hate you for consuming my thoughts everyday. I hate you for thinking its okay to make me fall so deeply and just leave as though I was nothing; as though we were nothing.
Ending a poem is probably the hardest part. I don't know how I want to leave you feeling.
I'll just say this; if love is what we had, then I want nothing to do with it because someone that loves you shouldn't be able to leave you feeling torn in the middle of the night, they shouldn't leave you wondering what they did wrong in order to not be enough for you. I shouldn't feel like love is something that isn't meant for me, and that's how I feel every ******* day.

every time I wake up
I pull the covers over my head
and try not to let the tears fill my eyes
every time

sometimes I'll pile things on the side of my bed
so while I'm sleeping
for a second I think you're there
and I smile

I sit in my bed waiting
for a miracle
like a Disney princess movie
and I think I can hear your car pull up
and the door opens

I hope that I'll see your big smile walk in
and your beautiful face
I pray that I'll wrap my body around you
and cry tears of joy

I've imagined this sequence in my head
thousands
of times

There is a lump in my throat that won't go away
a pain in my heart that hurts more every day
a hole in my chest that is bigger now
a constant bad vibe away from breaking down

I miss when I didn't get sleep
because you snored too much
I miss when I could snuggle up
and you would wrap your arms around my body

You made me feel so itty bitty
I felt so protected

I even miss when I was kiss your cheek
and just so happen to kiss precisely where your drool was

I miss when I would kiss you on the lips
and you would respond in your sleep
with a delayed smooch to the air

I miss the most the every day I love you's
and the looks you gave me
for no reason at all

I miss the perfect body pillow
that was all mine

I miss your series of laughs
I miss your singing in the morning
that I would fall asleep to

I miss you
I miss us

Why did I have to ******* ruin everything

I've written 15 poems in the past 3 days and I hated them all so much I had to force myself to post something, anything.

So here it is
Over the past week. I've realized a few things
1. I hate you
2. I hate myself
3. I miss you
4. I hate the fact that I'm Okay with you not being here.
5. I miss you

Everything in my head struggles to mimic any type of coherence and I'm left staring out the window wishing this house would catch on fire.

Here's some more stuff
1. Some people exist only to hurt you
2. Friends can be enemies too
3. You're a ******* narcissistic lier

Sometimes I wish your house would catch on fire and I'm left here staring out the window