I feel like an old, dilapidated house
A cold, decaying prison for a child who is afraid
I could feel him marching up and down the halls of my heart
I know he is still in there, poking sheepishly at the structure he is in
I know he is scared
I wished so hard for him to die, or at least be quiet
Now he is and I miss his laugh

My legs burn with the memory of the miles they have carried me
My chest is open and the wind wraps itself around my gently beating heart
My mind crashes against the inside of my skull like waves against the hull of a ship
My eyes peer out into the formless abyss searching for some recognizable figure
No sound reaches my ears

I couldn't tell you the exact amount of time that has passed since the last time I saw you
It has to be at least two summers
I haven't felt you in what seems like decades
But your still invade my dreams some nights, a hostile presence in unwelcome territory
I'm just trying to think of ways to destroy you
I want to take every minute I ever shared with you and tear them apart like paper
I want to cast hooks into your body and rip out every single "I love you" I've ever said
I want it to hurt
I want you to bleed
I want you to bleed for every "I love you" you made me believe
I want to take back every smile I ever gave you
I'm so ******* angry
How is it that I'm still afraid
Just the knowledge that I live in the same state as you is enough to tie my stomach in knots

I hate you
And I want to erase you
I can't say for sure if I would go back and redo it all
You taught me something
You must've taught me something
But no one taught you anything
So you played too rough and broke something
And I can't even find what you broke

You'll always be a ruiner


You're going to run out of things to ruin eventually and then you'll just be left all alone, surrounded by the rubble you created

And I can't wait

I've had too many long nights to count
Too many regrets
I used to lay in the grass and stare up at the sky and just dream
Dream of every little possibility
Every laugh to be had
I used to see the would through a telescope, I could feel the soil of a new world beneath my feet through every step
Like everyday I was Lewis and Clark, set free in the great expanse and stumbling into something beautiful with every footprint
I saw everything for what It could be and accepted it how it was

When I was younger I had dreams that spread from the one continent to the next, blanketing oceans in wonder and mystery
I had so much to give the world, so much to offer
Everything sparkled silver in my eyes, like a fresh rain had cleaned the world and allowed it to radiate brilliance just in the moment I decided to glance at it
But I've found that the winds of the ocean carry a much different song
A dark, mournful melody
A cold, repressive tempo
I find no solace in my dreams anymore
I sat and thought and pondered that thought for hours
I built big, elaborate mansions of awe and wonder
With my own two hands I forged entire futures, it felt like everything was so small and close that I would burn my fingertips on the sun if I wasn't careful

But I dreamed far too big
I built things far too tall to stand
I dipped my hands into the molten surface of a star and watched as my flesh seared from the bones

I can still feel me inside
I can feel my tiny hands scratching down the wallpaper of my stomach with crayons clenched in my fists
I can feel the thumping of my tiny feet against my heart

And he just won't stop dreaming
For every new darkness I find myself in, I can still feel the blanket cape wrapped tightly around my lungs reminding me I'm a laundry day super-hero

Sometimes I wish he would just die so that the distant reality wouldn't be so harsh to swallow

But I can't help but listen to my tiny voice, singing my big, tiny dreams

It's been a long time since we last talked
Even with the illumination of my phone screen I can still see the piercing darkness, creeping around me and up the back sides of my arms
I haven't felt such tangible darkness like this in months
Like even if I were to turn the light on, no amount of watts or lumens would be enough to wear away the shadows tightly-gripped fist
I can feel it with every breath I take, the moonless wasteland, washing over my lungs like deep blue smoke
There is but only one other source of light in my room, and I cant bring myself to crawl into bed and sleep from fear of this viscid gloom dragging itself across my sheets and snuffing it out
It's been so long since I've felt such dusk
Such crushing dark