I don’t make decisions for me
Because I don’t care
Risks don’t count
I could do anything

But I know better
I know there’s a version of me
Someone who would care
Someday...
It’ll matter to her
I can’t ruin this for her
I can’t destroy everything for her
Because I know what she’s been through
I can’t... I can’t make her pick up my mess...

I hate this
I hate what’s happened
I hate what we’ve done
What I’ve done...
I don’t want you to just be some old memory
You’ve meant too much to me
I still feel the sharp pain of your absence
I feel the loss in my heart
The aching in my chest
I feel the guilt in my wrist
Ghost pains of lines that won’t fade
I feel the longing in my throat
As my eyes well with tears
Because you’re not here
And I just... I miss you...
I love you.

Congrats.
You’ve done it.
You know that scar isn’t going to heal.
You went too deep.
You lost control.
You’ll have to live with that.
You now bear the insignia
Of the anguished.

That’s it
That’s what I wanted
That’s what I’ve been looking for
You’ve got me so high...
I realize how dangerous a drug this is...
This game I’m playing...
How do I stick to my beliefs
When you just make me want more...?
I want you to hold me
And don’t you dare let go.

Again? Really??
As soon as there’s a glimmer of ******* hope
The universe gives me some reminder
That things can always be worse
That happiness will always be stolen
That solace is fleeting
That comfort will betray me
That I will be wounded
Again and again and again
I will never be given time to heal
Before the next blow lands
My living Hell

Don’t listen to them
Nothing gets better
Life only gets worse
Running from disaster to disaster
Everything is ******* futile
You’ll never get anywhere
And if you do, it’ll be worse than where you began

This is the conspiracy
The world against me.

I did it again....

You don’t need all those chemicals
You can feel them can’t you?
Heart rate picking up speed
Anxiety growing in your gut
You shouldn’t have done that
You know better
You know this is how you get worse
This is how you get bad
This is where you go wrong
When your hands are shaking
Heart racing
And you start to remember...

I remember....
I used to love this
I love this.

Awaking from my self-induced daze
I wasn’t careful
Too much wine
Not enough food
Not enough water
And to my stupid surprise
My head aches
I feel ill
I just want to lay in bed
Part of me is begging not to do it again
But another is begging for more

tw self harm



I’d forgotten
What it felt like
How I reacted
What it looked like
As the droplets of blood gathered
In the lines I’d drawn in
The sound of flesh breaking
As I swiftly pull the blade through
I forgot how much it hurt when it was over
The relentless pain beneath the bandage

But I’d gotten curious
My heart was growing numb
And I wanted to see if it still worked
The rush of exhilaration
The shock of realizing what I’ve done
I found it again
A kind of relief

It’s getting bad again
I know because I’m enjoying it
When the darkness is exciting
Bad decisions are thrilling
Mistakes are cheap
Cause the value of my life
Is rapidly decreasing

Of course I’m serene
My demeanor is quiet
I’m calm
Because inside
If you could hear inside my head
You’d find endless screaming
Guttural, agonized
Chaotic

So if you want me to function
This is what you get
I’ll stuff my demons inside
And present what I can
But don’t get me wrong,
Most of my energy is spent
Keeping them at bay