Carterrae aunders: Favorites

May 2020 Carterrae aunders

Damaged

May 2020 Carterrae aunders

Empire

Damaged

I want to tell you
What’s in my head
This entire other world
The constant droning of voices
The screaming and thrashing within

But if I did
If I did...

You’d never look at me the same
I’d be broken to you
Damaged

I know that I am...
But I just...
I can’t let you see me like that

May 2020 Carterrae aunders

Moments

May 2020 Carterrae aunders

Empire

Moments

Do you ever just have those moments
When your heart turns black and rots
Your mind gets high on the angst
The suffering is all you need
And you want it... more of it
Listen to gruesome, terrible songs
Sounds of screaming and pain
Loss and grief wrap you like a blanket
It hurts but you’re at home
It’s dangerous but you feel safe
And then the moments come more often
Blurring into days... weeks...
Until you’ve lived in your agony for months
Begging for something more
Tell me a story
Tell me of death and tragedy
Tell me of self destruction
It’s addicting to me

#depression #angst #tragedy #story #pain #addict #masochism #sadism

May 2020 Carterrae aunders

Wake Up

May 2020 Carterrae aunders

Empire

Wake Up

My eyes are cold
Heartbeat steady and slow
Breath even
I am still
Everything in me is numb
There’s no feeling
No empathy
No concern
Apathy controls me

I’d give anything
To feel something
Because right now
I’m not alive
And I don’t know
How to wake up

#depression #apathy #numb #empty #alone #lonely

May 2020 Carterrae aunders

Heartbeats

May 2020 Carterrae aunders

Empire

Heartbeats

I could do it.

I have no concern for myself anymore
The only thing that keeps my heart beating
Is knowing that if it stopped
It would break yours

#suicide #death #heart #heartbreak #depression

May 2020 Carterrae aunders

Lonely

May 2020 Carterrae aunders

Empire

Lonely

No one tells you
That loneliness hurts
That you can feel emptiness
That your heart can physically ache
They don’t explain to you
That your body knows you’re alone
It hurts more than you can describe
It burns until you can’t take it
But by that point
You’re a freak
You’re so far gone
No one will want you
You’re broken now
You’re damaged goods
So the only antidote to the poison
Of being all alone
Is pushed further and further out of reach
The longer you suffer

#depression #alone #lonely #loneliness #hurt #sad #pain

May 2020 Carterrae aunders

Maybe if I write it enough, I'll believe it

May 2020 Carterrae aunders

Flame

Maybe if I write it enough, I'll believe it

I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me

#self #love #desperate #hurt

May 2020 Carterrae aunders

!!!!!!!

May 2020 Carterrae aunders

Lavina Akari

!!!!!!!

i want to be able to write about
how complete you make me feel and i want
to be able to write beautiful poetry about how much love you give me and how
wonderful you make me feel but you do
not make me feel complete at all you make me feel more broken than i have ever been before and i beg you for love and you will not give me a drop and anything you do give me i am convinced it is fake but i take it anyway.
love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me
love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me
love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me
love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me

WILL YOU ******* LOVE ME

May 2020 Carterrae aunders

Growing Up

May 2020 Carterrae aunders

Empire

Growing Up

I always turn this hate to myself
Because it’s easier I suppose
To just believe I’m ****
Than to face the possibility
That I’m suffering
That I’ve been damaged
By the ones I thought loved me

It’s so ******* hard to fight
The programming in your mind
When you’ve been raised
Playing games for love
Never knowing acceptance
Being stripped of privacy
Your mother telling you
Your tears are an embarrassment
Ridiculing your emotions

So instead
You hide
You learn to sob in silence
You learn to hate yourself
Because it couldn’t be them...
They couldn’t hurt you
They love you

... right?

#family #parents #emotionalabuse #neglect

Feb 2020 Carterrae aunders

for some of that artificial happiness

Feb 2020 Carterrae aunders

Bogdan Dragos

for some of that artificial happiness

as a kid
there's nothing
like wasting away inside a tiny
room
sitting on the backrest
of the couch
looking out the window
and seeing her
tread through the rain

a red umbrella covers
her.

Mother

she's going back
to the liquor store

Feb 2020 Carterrae aunders

love-hate

Feb 2020 Carterrae aunders

Lianne

love-hate

they love you like as i love you,
now, they hate you like they never loved you.