i’m afraid i am nothing,
without literature, and art.
without words and ink.
without flowers and music.
and most importantly, without you.

‘be careful what you wish for,’ they said.
and i should have taken it to heart.

i asked for change,
for growth,
but i didn't ask to be flooded
with everything all at once.

i didn’t ask for it all to come rushing,
with little time for me to adjust to the weight of it all.

look at the night sky.
see how the stars move,
and the moon changes.

growing and shedding.
cyclical
and never stagnant.

i want to be the same.
moving
and growing.

i am trying to mimic the moon.
but how can someone so limited,
achieve such growth?

how can i endure the loss
and still wait for the bloom?

the blood of my mother is sweet.
but the blood of my father is sour.

no wonder i am certain of nothing.
even my blood does not know
how it should taste.

i killed a bug today.

in a moment of panic
squished it until its corpse
combined itself with the page
laying underneath.

remorse washed through my entire body.
guilt lay at the foot of my stomach,

and for a moment i wonder if God feels the same.
guilt for crushing me
with the weight of all the pain
i am forced to withstand.

i wonder if he ever feels sorry
for letting me go through that.

for letting me suffer.

if there is ever any remorse
for almost killing me.

surely he does right?
feel sorry for it all?

please tell me he feels sorry for all of this.

it scares me to know how far light can travel.
how stars billions of light years away
can die and yet still be seen on earth.

and it scares me that i can only hope
that the light i leave on the world,
lingers for as long as that.

or even

lingers at all.