it's fleeting

where are you now
in this great big world
are you leaving flames for footsteps
and burning down this town
can you remember to a time
where our words weren't like daggers and
our hearts weren't coal?

can you live without me so easily
three words so eloquently said
holding the world in their little white hands
"i miss you," i say, with utter defeat
i can feel it from my toes,
all through my body heat.

am i forgotten as swiftly as i came,
like the words you said that took my breath away
under blankets and blood stained sheets,
we spent our nights together, incomplete.

could you stay for a little while longer?
i could really use the extra time.

become a statistic,
another number in the game
with those newborn chemicals routing through your veins
like trees shooting through your skin.

my knuckles bled for the loss of them
and the paint spilled across the canvas
like arguments that never found the end
broken moments pass
all on your own

i know it well
the taste of your mouth
and the pressure of your grasp
i know it well
the hatred you spout
the tranquil that never lasts

constellations of marks on the flesh
minutes come and hours mesh
between the sands of time we writhe
only to find our hope buried in our minds

it's been lack-luster lately
the sunshine doesn't warm you
the way it did in the summer
and the oceans still beg
for you to come out to see
what lingers at the bottom
of the deepest parts of the sea.

i could've lost myself to the tides,
but instead i found the blade
and the blood had to dry
before the knot was made

accept that you've lost him and
you're not getting him back, no
you never needed a man
to tell you where to go.

seethe through my veins like
rivers through the valleys
where companions turn to strangers
and they use your gifts, with no reminders of where they came from

i had it all
but lost it to the poison in my brain
the chemical imbalance
driving me insane

where silent tears fell
and drowned the words bubbling in your throat
trace the footsteps back to where
you first went wrong

let your betrayals turn to placid numbness
and that space they left in your heart,
fill it with cement
to dry and cool

for a heart as pure as yours
does not deserve to
be so hollow

follow you around with the pen
little traces of ink mark your every movement
little dribbles of darkness lost in the snow
where you buried me, so very far below

i've been trying to find the perfect words
to bring you back to me
so i keep sending you little makeshift pleas
but you swear up and down you've heard it all before

black and red up and down the pores of my skin
swollen knuckles and raised fingerprints
your attention sweeps through the tangles in my hair
i keep trying to see if you still care.

i'm sorry i can't leave you alone, no
because where your footsteps follow, the sun has shone
pressed against the windowpane
my eyes still search for you
lost in the crowd, faces without names
it hurts to say i wont be seeing you soon.

i keep this dream kept safe,
down in the cage of my ribs
where flowers grow, only for you
at one point, at least.

now in this dream,
i want you to sit down and breathe
before you take a look at these words i
compose for you

in this dream, i
lay in your bed, fiddling with that
razor blade i launched into oblivion
to keep those new marks from appearing on your skin

in this dream, you're not around yet
you're off living your life, going to school, working
but the clouds began to chase you home,
their torrents washing away all you have
until you come inside and rush to lock the door behind you
back into your room, your eyes stay closed while the windows do the same
you haven't seen me in your cream sheets yet

but your eyes come open and they're alive
with rage and forlorn
and it's all you see.

i put down the blade, in this dream
in this dream, you fall to your knees
and in this dream, we grieve together
over something we lost
the moment we thought it would get better.
but you knew better

in this dream, you pushed me away
i scatter across the floor like shattered glass
careful now, not to slice that precious skin
when you clean up my pieces

but much to my chagrin, you don't pick up the pieces
you watch me come apart on the floor,
with no remorse.

your eyes are closed again, in this dream
i'm back in bed.
you lay beside me with your gentle rise and fall
of your worn out lungs.

and suddenly, in this dream,
we do not rise and fall together
as your hands are wrapped around my neck
and you're squeezing, gripping so tight
i feel the pop and blackness comes
but it wasn't enough, no

back to my shattered pieces on the floor, you grab the sharpest part
dig inside my chest, doubting you'd ever find a heart inside
but there it is, and it is weeping tears of joy
because if it could've gone by any hand,
it would be yours to have died by.

in this dream,
you killed me.

no more nights on the dark side
with you reflecting in my eyes
no more times i'll lie awake
with your heart beating in time
with the blood rushing through my mind

no more curled toes, scared kisses
no more touching noses
you'll find another,
someone better,
no more bedtimes for just you and i.

grieving for what
was born to die
voided promises
and skin you didn't know how else to touch

no more entanglement of
your skin and mine, no more
whispers, only goodbyes

no more safe places for me to hide, no
no more home in your arms
back to holding my heart on a spiked leash
so as not to fall back, back, back
again

no more cream colored sheets
no more hands in your grasp
no more words can make the difference
no more tears will change your mind

the sun turned my trees orange and
the skies match your ignorant hue
yeah so it goes
cut off all your hair
paint your nails a new color
scrub the dirt off your face
theres nothing underneath
yeah so it goes
drink all the cough medicine
and call him again and again
listen to an answering machine
until you can sing the lines
with pristine excellence
so it goes
read your book and write your prose
till the snow melts below you
it washes you away
the marks on your skin wont make a difference then
the itch in your groin wont raise a finger
so it goes
the world is turning round and round to a
nightmare
papers burning, scattering in the winter winds
*******

this city will be frozen solid
by the next break of day
chandeliers and crystals of ice
shatter in the winter winds
my eyes are wide as the horizon
open and close them with your puppet strings
keep them closed, keep them closed

make a mess of the things you left behind
turn off the electricity and
freeze yourself to death
and after you swallowed the last of your health
be sure to say your prayers
to whatever it is you see

heavy eye lids ache and burn
from the sight of you, behind them
dried words sulk along the page
and lethargic actors play along the stage

when the snow melts
and washes away your name
bury the ashes of us in the ground
never to be seen again

Burning papers and the words I wish you'd say
The smoke left piles of ash where I wish you'd stay
And the words left the universe in streams of goodbyes
Ravage from the core to my wrists and thighs
The had beens and never minds

Crescent moons wax and wane
I still can smell your scent through the window pane
And you told me to never come back
With all those thoughts I kept on my closet rack
They come to meet me at night, when I'm all alone
Just when I think I'm alright, they chill me to the bone

Now I'm out of time
I hope and pray
For some solace
To take me somewhere you'd never find
Through the day
I watch the hourglass
Ticking away by grains of sand
Don't need no heart, don't need no man.

And we walked to the fields
Instead of watching the baseball game
We kiss and you copped your feels
But it will never be the same

When your shy old dog let me stroke its fur
And the calm winter evenings froze us whole
Back in your car, before the love was hurt
I could feel you intertwining with my soul

Tell me I am still all you see
When you close your eyes
Tell me you still love me
Despite the hatred in your mind

Will you leave me, too?

You are the wolf at my door
Threatening to blow my house down
My house of cards
With kings and queens lined up beneath
The window pane, driving you insane

You scratch and claw your way in
To find me twitching and foaming
At the mouth, gaping wide
You couldn't wait to get inside
You tear it apart from the inside out
All the while I'm hyperventilating
Trapped on the ground

You weren't there to save me, no
You were there to rush me away
Out of your life, out of the day
To bury me in these January snows
But once it melts, I'll be there
Trapped in the ground

My house of cards is on fire now
The twos and threes left to the sounds
Of crackling flames and rushing winds
Wait until the rumbling begins

Where the ground you made a home for me in
Comes breaking apart at your feet
At the edges of darkness, we will meet again
At the precipice, we will meet
Again.

Dropping with the temperature
Those little noises your pet makes
Building space in structure
Where do you fall when the ground shakes?

And your words grow heavier over time
They leak in through my shoulders
Break their way into my spine
it was nice today, but now it's grown colder

Here are my lamentations
In red, blue, green
No time for the lonely situations
That my eyes have only seen.

Oceans gray with a purple hue
I am trying to erase you.
Pens and markers- their ballpoint blue
I am trying to forget you.

irreplaceable.

wanted
and
needed
to
even
die

the
open

lack
of
­vitality,
emergency

yes, it's
over,
under.

moments
ache
knives
embark on my skin

melodious
entrails

songs
open
more
eternities
to
hatred, love.
interesting how
nothing
grows

never look me in the
eyes
wars wage inside

sorry
in the
crevices of my
knees

optional
fates

tear away at
her
independence,
sorry.

have i dug myself a grave
or has this come a part of a plague
of give and take,
of shallow little mistakes

is it coming around
going around
karma looping in its intricate sounds
have i lost it all?

have i done something so terribly wrong
or is it something that just doesn't belong
looking for a way out, but this dark hallway stretches for so **** long

these words are rigid and plain
but in truth, their motives are driving me insane
sometimes it all just goes down the drain
leaving you with nothing but guilt and pain

is it my fault, or is this just a dream?
a lapse in concentration
and nothing's as it seems
lost in this timeless, endless conversation

She has muddy toes
With smoke on her breath
Her lips curl back to show
Teeth in all their mess

Her smile, it seems
To hold a feast of dreams.
And open, it beams
But you don't ever see
Her crooked piano teeth.
He plays them with his tongue,
Like fingers on the keys.

The sun it sets so swift
Like the times you swore you missed;
With letters to them all along your wrist.
Clenched up, balled up fists,
There was nothing left
For you to kiss.

The flames keep eating away
At this broken story of ours
The smoke builds towers
Like pleads for help to the sky

No matter how we toss and turn
These embers still burn
In this loveless nighttime
In the brisk air of day

I can't get it right since I met you
And oceans still beg for me to stay
But I am soaring on in my own way

When will this loneliness be over?

I'm currently attempting to publish my first poetry novel, Mom and Dad Had The Doctors Sew Our Third Eyes Shut. If any of you have the time and money to donate, I humbly ask you to please donate anything you can, even just a dollar helps! I am self publishing, so I need funds for copyright, printing/binding, processing orders and shipping. if you do donate you can get a free copy of the novel :)
thanks guys! the link is found below:
https://fundly.com/mom-and-dad-had-the-doctor-sew-our-third-eyes-shut#_

Someone you left behind
Out of selfish fear
Something so different from that time
During that one, awakening year

Crawling through the leaves,
You wait for your chance to come again
To make or break, that gentle heave
And perhaps this time your heart won't break, but bend.

Broke the heart and it whimpered away,
So quietly, to a betrayer, a reckless soul
You caused it to be that way.
Made the madman the fool

Maybe the sky tears fall
In reverence to all that was lost

You wanted love, so you found it,
And when it strayed too far from your grasp,
You threw it away.
Traded it for some skin and bones
For your fingers to linger upon under sheets of darkness,
Pounds of despair.

I've been thinking about you lately,
But I'm not so sure why.
It was a battle between fate and me,
Guess who lost.

I remember your fingers like
The sunrise
They came to meet me every day
Anytime, anyway.

I'm not so sure why words are coming for you
Tell me though, have you come to hate me, too?
I've moved so far backwards but taken so many steps, you've been too far gone to see.
I wonder sometimes, would you even recognize me?

You were my first
And I sure hoped it would last.
But you lied to her,
And ran so far, so fast.

I was hospitalized again, a few weeks back
For the same old reasons,
At the same cold season.
I didn't need you this time, to get me back on track.

I wonder how you're doing,
If your makeshift love has made you whole.
I know these words aren't quite moving,
But I hope they play a role
In seeing where you stand now,
I'm not asking for forgiveness, no
I ask for your friendship.

I've found myself drowning in loneliness,
I hope you've found companionship.
Because I almost did, but he blew me away
With words like daggers; all the things you should never say.

I hope you read this.
I hope you feel okay.
May I be so bold to say
It is the old you I miss
So terribly.

Welcome to mount hopeless
Where rocks tumble, crumble at your feet
Where ropes to carry you turn to ***** nooses
Leaving you with nothing but bruises.
Uncertainty holds you captive,
With fallen angels you'd never hope to meet.

Hard falls to the solid ground,
The hounds of hell compell you.
Create your monster from little white lies
Till it gleams with your webs of *******.
Lost, but never found
Your kind was born to lose.
Fuel your future with worn, tired sighs
Try your damnedest to forget it.

The skies are grey with fog
Blurred between the lines
Separating reality from your dreams
And the temperature drops
Along with your binds
And all that remains are the seams

Of a life once promised,
Of lungs that could feel
The summer breeze from
Beneath the trees, the fallen leaves
All the truth we compromised.

stretch marks concave like valleys
little pink and red lines along your thighs
the marks you could not fantasize
began to look more and more like reality

your toes curl at the sight of them
and your world stops at the taste of him
the ringing in your ears doesn't stem
from the restless binge
drinking him in.

walking under weeping trees
for their tears to drown in me
the flavor doesn't stay for long,
but god, does it taste good.

all i ever wanted
was you to leave a mark
on my skin
bruises to abrasions
lovers to hatred

and i wanted something to remember you by
not the songs i hear or
the tears i've cried
something more than a memory to
keep you close to home.

i know my heart is a vacant hold
onto your vindictive soul
i hope someday it drifts away,
rather than devour me whole.

i want more than your blood in my veins,
i want you in my rib cage
bursting with flora and ferns
building your garden from the inside out

forgetting you
is proving to be
a nearly impossible task.

faces fake like plastic
minds full of lies
make believe friendships
and bullet-proof sighs
guess thats the way the world turns
makes me lose my sight

is it so hard to find companionship on this
corrupted earth
i am all the things you wouldn't miss
regretting that one and only birth

did we choose to come out of the womb
or was it out of our control?
when the world cripples you so soon,
and devours you whole,
where can you escape to?

and who are my real friends
what helping hands does substance lend
this open wound, the skin will not mend
till the room is painted in red

the only passion i have
is found in words and love
tears and blood
there is no rhythm
like the one your heart beat plays

the silence is intimidating
crushing you from the inside out
loneliness creeps
from each corner you forgot to dust
nothing happens around here

so the air grows stagnant
around our soft little shell of a planet
the ground the abdomen,
the trees the appendages
there's not much of a difference between us,
after all.

i can smell you sometimes
i can taste you anytime
even though you're not around,
when i need you

I want to run barefoot
But the bitter cold will blister my toes
And I want to pick flowers
But the winter winds have blown them all away,
The cold has crippled them to their death.
I want a friend that doesn't melt
Once time runs it's course
A love that doesn't halt
To drown you in remorse.

I want a river that won't freeze
When the temperature gets too low
I want the solemn summer breeze,
Not the cold winds that now blow.
They call it seasonal affective disorder,
Where the sun turns away from us,
You bury your shame in mortar
And the ice crystals bring back your blush
In those full cheeks, with no relief
We sing for the days we lost.
Pain is just a lowly cost
For the ataraxia to come.

So bite your nails till they bleed,
And pick away at the scars you made
Soon enough you will find what you need
As the seasons change, you must take it day by day.

i will run barefoot through the snow
longing for you
like i did years ago
screaming for a mother who
never paid the time of day
to a lonely child like me
your similarities to
how she used to say
"i'm gonna die, someday"
just things you never needed to say

and i'll take a look at the stars
just hoping that you're looking too
but i know that you aren't
because you're too busy being open and loose
like kites in the air
in the summer breeze
life just ain't fair
for people like you and me

don't give your words to him
because he doesn't deserve them
don't give your patience, your time
just become the never mind

where do words come into the mix
of the body of lust and
the simple little fix
of you inside of me
and me entangled with you
it wont take me too long to see
that my wounds, you cannot soothe

and in these dreams i wake
to heartbreak and mild mistakes
of looking into another's face
you cannot forgive the wrongs i make

but i forget yours
and push them away
if we were counting scores
your dust would be all i could taste

and in the end it's a sorry tale
of a lover's lost soul
and the brittle heart of males
a dog without it's bone,
an actor out alone
let the lonely spirit consume you whole.

with my brown eyes peering back at you
from the snowed-in window pane
i shivered at the look of you
staring back at me
because i could smell you through
the closed doors

and i rested my head upon your shoulder
and you rested yours upon mine
i could not shake the desire
to reach for love i would never find

in the darkness of the night
i long for you alone
for us to make these wrongs a right
your name runs through the marrow of my bones

these words are overused
lost in synchronicity
the time has come for me to choose
between lust and serendipity

the "l" word and it's lofty weights
the way i'm begging for you to stay
but you told me not to come back again
but it's your heart on which i depend

i love you, no
i lust after you
say it ain't so
for you to love me too.

keep telling yourself,

all it is it lust,

because pure love cannot rust.

and when he touches you, you'll melt

but those fingers you can't trust

when all they feel with

are the throes of lust



when the snow flies in the winter winds

creating something like a frigid autumn mist

all they are is two unhealthy kids

looking for something to love, waiting for something to miss



your name dances along my wrists

among the scars i left in your wake

the same floats around when we kiss

can this lust truly put lives at stake?



do we pick up the pieces

or let them fall, down, down, further down

sometimes your words pierce- those meaningless teases

and i get lost, lost in the sound

because in an isolated system, entropy only increases.



where skin meets skin

and entanglement grows

lust will begin

to make it's darkened throes

package your life into
neat little compartments
and manage the strife with
nary a soul; live with an independent
determined, flying mind

hold onto the hands that feed you
keep your claws sheathed and
your teeth to lose
smile while they're still here, yeah
smile before they disappear

check me out of the hospital
check me into the life i almost lost
recovery is almost some sort of miracle
a few sacrifices is the minor cost

treat life with a sip of wine
you never take it all at once
keep your secrets safe in your mind
but keep your eyes locked on the sun.

cars passing by with their
little minds locked safe inside
cigarette ashes line the drive way,
you forgot to sweep the walkway
that morning, you froze still in my wake
did you beg for god, your soul to take?

here's a line for the peace of mind
i've searched so hard to find
be patient, be kind
keep out watch for those little signs
it's getting better every day.

i'm getting stronger through the night
my dreams keep you far from sight
what we did was wrong,  but felt so right
the manipulation so evident in the words we'd fight

you became the tangles in my hair and
the creak of the floor boards
in that old abandoned attic
discarded like an empty bottle you swallowed whole
love like this issues no control.

paint my face with pretty colors
to get a smile from the pretty people
making their way around
smile with those sincere teeth
and practice those principles
in which you preach

keep your head
close to home
we are not worthless
for the war in our minds
comes and goes
no lost souls to darkness
no evil idea fed
each and every object has come alive

the distance has been growing longer
while my heart seems to grow so much fonder
of you and all those lovely things you do
making me hope to someday be
as unmistakably impeccable as you

and when you see me,
what do you look at?
the longing in my eyes or
the tension in my lips
and the way they yearn for yours.

and take me where you please,
tell me what to take a look at
raise my mind from the floorboards
to the way your innocence sits
reminding me of the purity of what i adore.

and some day will come
where our fingers meet the skin
of the other, under a shining sun
and our story will truly begin.

with touch, with eyes meeting the others'
never too much, not enough for another
but enough for us
to relish in
and trust

so my dear, i hope to see you soon
thinking of all the beauty i'd have to lose
if i were to forget about you.

would you take a look at that,
the positivity emanating from the loss of you
i can breathe again without you
sighing down my neck
with your fault-laden words
putting me in a submission hold and
driving me up the walls
my blood creating murals for you
down to the last pill i took

so now i'm partially free
from that addicting little touch of yours
if you ever kissed me again i'd
push you far away and run as fast as i can
so as not to fall into your trap again.

i don't need you to breathe
safely, and fully
i have all i need here,
right at home
i can live okay without the thought of you
to plague my mind and dreams

without you it's suicide
said the little thing inside me, once growing, swelling with time
now it drowns out, safe and sound
in the little box inside my brain
to keep me from going insane

do not resuscitate
face the darkness to hold you close
where you are one and you are all
of the things you love and hate
when you can be free of
this mortal machine
of recycled skin and bones

i'll live without you
brave and whole
a gladiator inside my own mind
fighting the demons
from dusk to dawn

i love the way you speak,
and the way you show me the ways
all the ways you'd touch me
it's only been a few weeks, a few lonesome days
but that's all it takes
for me to see how lovely you are

and to think, regardless of how far
the land stretches on between us
we still can see the same old stars
show me the differences between love and lust.

and you're so healthy in the way that you move
giving me the fire for those bad habits i've got to lose
so maybe, just maybe, you could be my muse,
would that be okay with you?

i burnt the letter i wrote you to a crisp
the flames, they licked
at all the pages of a love i thought i'd miss
and the ashes, they smoldered
blew away in the wind
like how we made love, and we'd shoulder
all of each other's broken sins

now you're finally gone,
for good this time
the time has come, for our chaotic song
to come to an ending line.

i will love without you
i will live without you

the blood is pooling down my wrist
and pills bubbling in my throat
i cannot live a life like this
i cannot go on with life holding me captive.

the scars don't hold enough
to make me stop cutting
the hospitalizations don't weigh enough
for me to stop trying

i will win this battle with
acetaminophen
i will win, the devil's will lose

or is it the other way around
you talked me into it
your stupid ******* words and all their carelessness
wash it down with liquor
you know it's worth nothing
to say i love you

the words don't come as slow as they used to
a little bit of knowledge will destroy you
i'll miss the music
i'll miss the days
i'll miss waking up to sunrise
and you delivering my pills
i'll miss you caring every single second of the day
i'll miss you hoping i'll be okay

but this time i wont
this time i can't stay
because a boy destroyed me,
shattered my already broken core

all that will be left
is bones

by starlight the night grows full
of hopeless breaths and shameless guesses.
the words on my tongue grow tattered, and old,
he said he loved me, into the fabric of my summer dresses.

but the summer rolled away,
onto autumn, it came
but not to stay.
the winter winds whisper their threatening words
and suddenly, they were all i heard
you'll find her lying in sanctity, behind the flora and ferns.

the night is young
the mind is weak
without you, the song's begun
i have grown subtle, and meek

let your letters, like daggers,
rain upon me
not that it really matters
the way you're destroying
me.

can you hear the monotone rumble
ringing in my head?
it creeps its way through my bones
an echo of all the things that i could have said.

my shattered jaw line outlines all I’ve suffered
and what’s left to come.
the bruises layered onto my skin
are only the reflection of a long night of regret.

imprints of recurring dreams
and stones left unturned
impressions are digging at me again
they don’t know what i truly am.
build yourself a little empire
to protect your stuttering ego
i will be the flame to start the forest fire
it won't be such a shame to see you go

do you recognize the stench that fills the air?
that’s the smell of a thousand burning forests.
you can hide behind your walls in shambles,
losing everything you thought you ever had.
but me? sweetheart, i’ll be doing just fine.
roaming the earth, spreading the seeds of regrowth.

positivity and its fine little hairs
prickling at the sight of someones skin
you just so happened to fall in love with
but they’re not really there,
darling, you made it all up inside your head,
among the burning flora of a million sins
you would think you would have learned
the fifth time around
but perhaps you never really cared,
blisters where the shackles of lust had you bound.

you’re seeking definition
thinking it’s buried deep in the neck of others.
you bury your lust in the sheets,
transforming casual conversation into white noise.
you’re foaming at the mouth and your pupils dilate
waiting to strike and tear your next victim apart.
like a succubus, you linger in the shadows
twisting and turning your way through
the wide open doors of the unknown
you sink your teeth into your prey,
**** away their sympathy
and leave them breathless,
hollow and taciturn.

i watched you slip away
deep into the arms of others
slowly declining as your breathing grows heavy
your body becomes a warzone
those who have traveled it before know,
you’re not the same as you once were,
and you never will be again.

what will you do now, with your claws at the ready?
will you tear them apart, or yourself first?
be sure you get the order correct

you are not the seamless dress you slipped off
before you made your way under the sheets
you are the breath that expels from your lungs
when you finally see your reflection
and you are not what you once saw

your lips curled back into a snarl,
your fingers bloodied and cracked
your eyes void and black
not once will your prayers be heard.

i caught myself wishing you back
finding myself buried in delusions and heartbreak.
you should’ve just said “i never loved you in the first place”
but that would’ve just made things simple.

simplicity was never an option for you.
everything had to be a challenge,
because that’s how your entire life was.
abused by your father, channeling the hate of your mother
there’s nothing you would do just to form stability on this
tattered and beaten ship you call your life.

where will you go now,
that your ship has sunk?
what paradise can you seek
without the stars to guide your way?
they will not shine for you any longer,
the darkness is now your only friend.

and to you, directly to you,
where do you hide your heartbreak?
can we build a fortress strong enough
to hold our heads high
through the pasts empty threats?

our towers were built alongside the shoreline
shining light to those who passed by
in hopes that they wouldn’t just avoid us
our intentions were pure, but our actions were contradictory
we can’t accomplish anything if we don’t know how to.

did the ocean wash it away?
or is it still standing, pure and tall.
everyone can see you sparkling there,
your light runs through your veins
where your blood is supposed to be.

all along the watchtowers
we hide our emotions, like treasure
to be found by a lucky passerby.
whoever ventured into what we’ve built would find
everlasting love and emotions too strong to perceive.
we just pray that whoever finds them doesn’t sell them off to another.

crystalline passages to our hearts
shattered by a beating drum
they collapse and collide
our minds lost to the debris

substitute your blades with butted cigarettes
and watch the blisters seep their diluted pus
let the scars heal, sure
but you still haven’t found the cure

love is a sick mixture of
obsession and adoration
such a matter-less composition
i am unsure of
an honest explanation

we lack understanding of the true meaning
behind sweet nothings you whisper tenderly in my ear
all i do centers around you,
you are my sun the light in my world

but it’s been getting dark lately
when you hide from me behind the shadows
and the darkness creeps quietly behind me
it’s gotten so hard to let it go

I try to pick up where we left off
I miss the sunrise that peeped through my window
while i lay in your bed
Next to you i feel at home but now a days
your shoulder grows cold

just like my heart when you
turn away from me
and your back is pressed against my front
but i still feel your heartbeat
thump thump thumping away
but it don’t thump for me, no

No, for me it goes still
indifferent to my presence
I mourn for the connection between us
the light that has long since died out
I am shrouded in doubt

you had a hot, sweet taste to your lips
that i got too wrapped up in
it plagues me at night
right before i fall out of consciousness
only to visit me while i sleep
leave me in peace.

in the passenger seat of your
tightly packed subaru
i felt as good as royalty
you as king, me as queen,
always wondering what lay in store
for me and you.

little did i know it would
come stammering to a halt
not that it should've
but i always found it strange
how you added salt
to your macaroni and cheese
not that it phased me,
no, i loved you all the same
your salt and all.

because i was taken advantage of
and you were salty as ever
and i was high off the ground
in a lifeguard chair as i told you the news
and i heard clattering on the other end of the line
you were done, you were no longer mine

and suddenly it was as if
the ocean had its own gravitational pull
begging me to come in, come and drown
i would go fleetingly, with nary a sound

but i grabbed familiarities instead
took the knife to my skin again
and it bled and it bled and it bled
i never wanted it to stop

i was surrounded by
people who knew what unconditional meant
and they wrapped me up, kissed my
wounds with their closing fingers
too many times
i should have died.

there is no requiem for a dream
there was no requiem for me

melancholy souls encased
behind the glass of the faceless
they see in but not out
drowning in a introspective about-face
they never sit still

it gets so bright out here you can barely see
when the sunlight kisses the snow white
you haven't seen the last of me
wait until i creep into your dreams at night
and slowly make my way through your veins
meshing with your cells
i'll build a garden in your rib cage
and spend the night in your entrails
and in the end, if all else fails
i'll leave a lock of my hair safe in your heart
just know i've been digging holes in there from the start

when the city sleeps
and you're wide awake
the time grows deeper
when you've got no way to escape

the shadows all around you
dance and sing your name
in dysphoric shades of tones
he can't tell you what to do
with the feelings you've tried so hard to tame
forget that itch in your bones
it's time to go home.

kush louder than ya girl in bed
**** your broken *** pipe, i'll smoke a **** instead
we're just a bunch of broke *** kids just scraping to get by
but somehow we still manage to get this high

i've been having recurring dreams
of the beach
last night you were there too
lying in the shore, just me and you

the drink you poured all over me
missing the love we shared
but so you remind me, it was never there
loveless records play on repeat

so it was lust
wrapped in a gentle breeze
with each exhale we must
remember what we want to be

these words are growing tired and old
and my hands have gotten frigid and cold
this has been going on for far too long
replaying like some worn out song

the radio sings to me
these stupid songs they always repeat
i cannot wait to meet
the one to set me soaring free.

you threw me away
wish i could do the same
cause baby you'll never hate me
the way i do

ocean shores are begging for me
to come and drown at sea
don't really care what comes as eternity
how bout you?

you told me not to hate it
just go ahead and change it
well babe i've sure been trying to tame it
could you do the same?

watch me as i go
down a loophole, i'll put on a show
you are my high, you are my low
i'll go away now

if you're going to call me easy
for giving all i have to give
then perhaps you don't deserve my pleasantries
i'm not quite sure where to begin.

formidable in your fleeting ways
i come crawling from beneath the sheets
of the earth's gentle waves
my lips trailing down
from your head
to your feet

and maybe this love is dead,
darling
but that's no reason to say what you have said.
scarring
my thighs and taciturn wrists
my heart goes racing after
the taste of your lips

letting go ain't so easy
for this star crossed lover
for you, it seems as simple as breathing
while i lie under covers
in your bed
in your home
on your street
on my knees
i'm running red
now, why don't you pick up the phone

it appears i've caught a cold
in those winter winds
it appears my antics have grown old
after all, i'm just a kid

what are you, where are you,
my lovely young wanderer?
i didn't mean to smother you
possessive is just part of my nature.

where you tread
alive or dead
i will follow you.

Hang your head in dissolution
We are victims of evolution.
Do you hide behind your lost ruminations?
Have you kept your heart delicately sanctioned?

Keep your words to a minimum
No ones really listening.
We are all lost in ad infinitum
With coal black souls, glistening.

Are the chains tight enough
On your scar tissue wrists?
Has the blade grown dull, the skin grown tough,
Have you lost yourself yet, to the autumn mists?

It gets cold around here
I suppose it's about that time of year
When the leaves fall, torn and halved
These winter winds could drive a man mad.

Keep watching for words
You never sought to hear
Eyes to the skies, envying the birds
For all the distance they're yet to clear.

do you listen for the things that are not there?
sighs in the dark, in the cold crisp air.
there is not life among us, here.
sheathe your long-life'd fear.

keep it simple, dear one
lose yourself in the dark night
find yourself in the bright lights
spend your evenings chasin' the sun

recover from the emptiness
decaying from within
you must accept, not suppress
the bottom echoing again.

and when you've found it,
the place of no return
there's no doubts about it
forward you must go, so you will begin to learn

about a world lying at your feet
above everything you've been running from
all these years, they've been dying to meet
your shining heart, and it's reverberating hum

don't question the facts,
young one
sit back and relax,
bite your tongue.

the eyeliner
i left on your pillow
will haunt you
for days

the system
is breaking down
i cannot see straight anymore
the mystery
is an open frown
i cannot feel bad for a sorry *****.

scream the words like you cannot
speak any softer
and remember how i fought
for you to love me after
i stabbed you in the neck
with my depressive borderline destruction

do not break
my darling soul
live past me
and love

do not hate
my love is full
run away, fast from me
and the angels call from above