I can never do the one thing I want the most to do,
I can only - suddenly: fear,
Encroaching shadows.
Blindsided, I wish I could say. But no.
Not quite.
Doubt shrouds my intentions,
Like a cloud blocking out - no, an eclipse,
Predetermined intervals of near complete darkness,
A pattern of uncertainty, a seeming dichotomy-
But reliable nonetheless...
All the same.
Ordered chaos; predictable, unwelcome, regrettable.
Torturous, truly.
Light again, passing by, gone again-
Always.
Never.
I can never do the one thing I want the most to do.
I can only do the one thing I am wont the most to do.
And I am helpless to it all.
Lost to it all.
It is a cruel discrepancy.

Within the rings of trees and layers of rocks
Lie countless hours - so many lost,
Time that was wasted, never regained,
Until regret and comeuppance were all that remained.

Daydream my day away,
I can't wait;
Maybe two good things will coincide.

The thing is
It’s my ******* problem,
Mine alone -
I can’t put that on you.
It’s my own fault,
For feasting on scraps,
Tossed my way
With vague intentions.
I even told myself then,
When I first earned your favor,
To prepare for the worst;
I was bound to get burned.
But it just wasn’t that easy -
I closed my eyes for just a moment,
And liked, too much, what I saw:
A glorious reconciliation
Between my desires and your intentions.
But when I opened them again,
It just wasn’t the same;
I borrowed hope from a daydream,
And have lived in misery ever since.

“It’s all in your head”,
On repeat to forestall entropy,
My mind’s in two places at once,
Needing more -
Incessantly yearning for more,
Yet overcome with gratitude
That I should receive anything at all.

Do others feel like this every time?
As if it’s something of actual substance,
A real reason to yearn,
A real reason to hunger,
As if for another form of sustenance.
Do others feel like this with a passing glance?
As if you’ve known them from the start,
A true sense of familiarity,
A true sense of belonging,
As if they’ve always weighed on your heart.
Do others feel like this every time?

I never had.

a moment of joy
a millisecond of reflection
a pang of -remorse?
a flooding of tears
a deep breath of collection
an acceptance of fate
a surge of determination

...to smother any lingering hope

The path ahead seemed narrow;
One objective, therein one route.
My naivete to myself inconceivable,
Onto others I cast all my doubt.
My own vision, my own reality -
Unchecked, unquestioned…immutable?
Can something that seems so right to me
To others seem unsuitable?
My perspective is not reality,
The opposite may be the case.
A new truth so brazen before me,
I have no option but to fall from grace.
What once I clung to with certainty
Is now tainted with regret and shame.
How can I make the right choice
When a truth and a lie seem exactly the same?

I have nothing else -
Not one person close to me.
Only ever ostensibly known,
Via some overrated reality.
Truthfully, a manufactured facade-
Beneath, a much less pretty wasteland.
I want my real self to be known,
Have all my understandings understood.
First I must find the right words,
But they always pale in comparison.
There’s no real description, it seems
Of our inner-most workings,
Even here I pause as my depiction stutters.
I wish I could just bequeath my mind
And have my soul be exposed;
For someone to retrieve my thoughts
And need no explanation.
If I can’t emit my true visage,
If only I can see color,
Then I have no hope for completion,
And the loss is overwhelming.

the omittance of a standard
the justification of an action
the realness of pain

and still I laugh

I put on a facade to prolong my good name,
A glimpse of reality would prove me a fool.
There are decisions I made with gusto, no less
That have withered my soul; a constant weight on my chest.

And to think it all done with others in mind,
Making paramount choices with no thought of myself.
My naive urge to impress was too strong to resist
So, for the approval of others I now barely exist.

And it kills me to know that I could have had more,
More than these miserable minutes I somehow survive.
Even with words I cannot fully describe
The pain that I feel and constant regret I abide.

And I still have the option to take it all back,
Which hurts all the more because I know that I won't,
My pride would never let me unveil my tears
Or reveal to the world even my small, petty fears.

So, I must carry on the only way I know how:
By reminding myself it all comes to an end;
Death will enclose me and my so-called "existence" will shatter,
Right after I realize that nothing ever truly mattered.

I find myself on uncertain ground,
Straddling an impossible horizon.
On one side is day, where my consciousness thrives
On the other is night, where fatigue claims its prize.

For years, it seems, I have longed for sleep,
For a reprieve from wakefulness, and the sun’s piercing light,
But now, as I stand astride this unlikely fission,
I fear what awaits within night’s unyielding prison.

The darkness has beckoned, calling me forth
Even now, its sweet siren reigns down on my soul,
Oh, how easy, to just close my eyes and let my thoughts be consumed,
The promise of nothingness nearly impossible to refuse.

But my silhouette on the ground reminds me of light,
And I owe it to myself, past and future alike
To reconsider day and all it provides,
Before I make a choice, here, where two opposites collide.

I can remember hope, and the anticipation of greatness,
But also despair and nights spent alone.
Laughter and desire, pitted against resentment,
An ever-tipping balance between dissatisfaction and contentment.

No, it’s just not enough for me to fully commit,
I’d much prefer blackness and its long-awaited calm,
Yes...I will forget about day and its promise of grief,
Instead, I’ll take night and its selfless offer of relief.

Just one step forward and I'll be forever engulfed in silence,
But first I’ll rest here for just one second longer-
I need to say goodbye to day and pay respects to light,
Then I'll go forth, and forget this place where day leads unto night.

I’ve been alone for countless years,
A speck of dust my only friend.
Deep inside, no hopes, nor fears,
Just myself these many years.

I have no past to reminisce,
Therein no future to predict,
There’s no one lost for me to miss,
No one with whom to reminisce.

There is no way to pass the time,
As I lie in wait of endless night.
There is no love, or hate, or crime,
The more I think, even no time.

Eternity chose to envelop me,
And forever is all there is to see,
An inescapable void, no calm, nor breeze,
For it abandoned all else in favor of me.

A thousand different images
Flicker through my mind,
But the one I seek most desperately
Has found some place to hide.

I know I had it with me,
It’s always been right here,
I only had to think your name
For your image to appear.

It’s tried to slip away before
And I’ve grasped with all my might,
But as the months changed into years,
I lost the strength to fight.

I've known that this was coming,
But somehow am unprepared,
The signs have been so subtle,
Yet I knew that they were there.

It started with your piercing eyes,
How the blue would fade each day,
And your features became less definite
As you slowly slipped away.

But still I thought I had more time,
If only with your likeness,
I never thought I’d wake today
To such devastating blindness.

I’ve tried and tried to call you back,
But there’s nothing I can do,
Your image has left me stranded;
I no longer remember you.

I glimpse through the curtains
A flickering light,
And my imagination takes hold
On this stagnant spring night.

I fancy it a signal,
A call to something great;
It’s the start of an adventure,
The beckoning of fate.

When I investigate its source,
I know my life will change,
I’m in the beginning of a book
And my quest’s on the next page.

I’ll join up with a band of outcasts
To find a missing link,
There’ll be riddles for us to solve,
And an antagonist to outthink.

We’ll encounter many obstacles
As we fight to reach our goal,
Like a turncoat within our ranks,
Or an unexpected troll.

We’ll make camp along the roads we walk,
And dine on cheese and bread,
And our enemies will dog our steps,
But we’ll remain one pace ahead.

At some point along the way
I’ll discover a hidden skill,
It’ll be something supernatural,
Like the power of my will.

I’ll use it in the ******
For the ultimate defeat,
To overcome the opposition
And force them to retreat.

And we’ll celebrate our victory
Of evil overcome,
But our optimism will soon die down
As we realize what’s to come,

Our journey has reached its end
And we’ll be ****** aside by fate,
The world no longer needs us,
Now that we’ve accomplished something great.

The only thing that’s left to do
Is go back to where we’re from,
Back to unfamiliar lives
As the people we’ve become.

But when I finally get back home,
I’ll have nothing to regret,
I did what I was meant to do,
And no one will soon forget.

I made the difference only I could make,
And all is for the better,
I answered the call of destiny
And am no longer called its debtor.

I wish this were the case
In the reality that I’m in,
But another flash of light
Reminds me where I am.

Sitting in my bedroom,
As much in debt as ever,
Imagining that I was part
Of some life-changing endeavor.

I wish that fate would show its face,
And tell me what to do,
Even just a hint
Would be enough to get me through.

As I think back on my story
I see the light again,
And I wonder, if I go outside
Will my adventure at last begin?

Maybe this is it
And destiny chose tonight.
Maybe fate is waiting
For me to investigate the light.

Yesterday I took a walk,
And passed between the changing trees,
Their leaves were clinging
With final breaths of life,
Some had fallen, given up,
Waiting to be dust on the forest floor.
But I paid no mind to nature’s course;
My thoughts were focused on useless things.
I walked right past a breathless sight:
A family of deer
Sipping from a flowing stream.
But next week’s pay and due dates flashed,
And I passed right by their frightened dash.
Then, far to my right, two bunnies played,
But I missed that too,
And trampled blindly on.
High above me, in the thinning trees,
A white-furred squirrel hoped from branch to branch,
He jumped right above me for half a mile,
But I never looked up,
Was never caused to smile.
These I missed,
But there were others as well:
A high-flying eagle, a swift-moving fox,
But my mind was circling all those useless things,
Things that worrying never quite solves.
And as I think back on yesterday
To my long, stewing walk,
I regret not stopping
And looking around,
At the beauty of nature
And the joy to be found.
And, in reality,
All those things never happened:
The jumping squirrel,
The playing rabbits,
Or the drinking deer,
And I won’t go back today,
In case they aren’t there,
But I’ll imagine they are,
And that I saw them for real,
So one day they’ll be memories,
And give me something to feel.

Upon this poem I entertain relief,
From an uncertain journey with lack of reprieve.
A prayer delivers the same result,
A warmth in my being, an absolving of fault.
My thoughts are freed from their hampered state,
No longer caged by triviality or the dullness of fate.
Daily routine had exiled imagination,
But with this escape my thoughts upend reputation.
The daily grind had dampened my soul,
But looking toward heaven I envision being whole.
So small a thing to provide such release,
So fleeting a moment in a life so deplete.
But it’s just enough to keep madness at bay,
These times that I write and those times that I pray.

I once was on an endless journey
Of turning left and right,
There was bramble all around me, only
Nothing not alike.

Though none were up above me
I could not see the sky,
All except my inner strength,
I had been left alone to die.

Deserted by the moon and stars,
I was even without light,
But desperate to be free again,
I braved the endless night.

Time escaped me, also
I traveled a day, a week, a year,
But my body never weakened,
Nor hunger did I fear.

Even if I neared the end
I had no way to be sure,
So, I promised myself it was close ahead,
Just one more set of turns.

But the exit never greeted me
And disappointment, it grew strong
I had broken so many promises,
My credibility was gone.

I could no longer reassure my mind,
So I faced the truth instead,
I prepared myself for eternity –
And an endless path ahead.

It’s no longer the escape it used to be,
My thoughts- they’re too full,
They can’t let me be free.

The gift of deliverance,
How I cherished it long,
The hours of relief;
All those times I was gone.

I was taken away,
With people I trust,
But the gate- it won’t open,
I’ve allowed it to rust.

All those places I travelled;
That wonderful feeling of welcome,
It’s all starting to fade now,
No…I can’t let this happen.

But I know it’s no use,
I’ve tried again and again,
Reality keeps intruding,
I can still see its grin.

Oh, how I wish I could go back,
To how it was before,
When I could walk freely in that realm,
When there was no lock on the door.

But instead I’m sitting, staring,
And all I see are pages,
It’s not like it used to be,
Where are all the dragons and mages?

I stare intently at the words,
But register only spaces,
There’s no one there to greet me,
No familiar faces.

This is when it happens,
When my reality takes the wheel,
It scares away my one reprieve,
It tells me what to feel.

No longer is there comfort here
Between this tattered cover,
My real life is weighing down on me;
Begging that I take over.

I gently close the book I love,
And resist the urge to cry,
But it’s time to focus on myself right now,
It’s time to say goodbye.

My survival becomes uncertain
As my feet begin to drag,
I stumble ten steps forward
Then concede and raise my flag.
But just before defeat sets in
I hear your voice call out,
My eyes begin their frantic search,
Too unreasonable to doubt.
A seeming speck on the horizon,
I see you lift your hand,
And it suddenly seems so short a distance,
As I press forth across the land.
And though I find it odd
That you remain in place
I continue to rush forward,
Longing to see your face.
Drawing nearer to your wavering form,
My heart begins to fall,
I shake my head in disbelief,
You were a mirage, after all.

Before this moment,
I'd felt only resistance.
But I can see the goal now,
Far off in the distance.
My doubts and my fears
Had corrupted my mind.
They had hidden the path,
Rendered me blind.
But even in weakness
My destiny prevailed,
The path never mattered,
I could never have failed.
My future lies waiting,
And though all is not shown,
Just by feeling its presence
My courage has grown.
I had almost surrendered,
Victim to my hindrance,
Instead I stand as victor,
And can smile in remembrance.
When I look back on my life
And all the battles I fought,
I can properly count the failures
As crucial to the plot.  
My fate has reassured me,
Provided peace of mind,
I can look forward to my future
And the obstacles I'll climb.

Wearily I rest my head upon your offered shoulder,
Always there to shelter me from the fears that make me colder.
Just as darkness closes in, persuading me "come hither",
There you are to rescue me, just before the shiver.

As I rest beneath a sturdy willow
I dream of days long past,
Of long before my universe
Had veered from its straight path.

I have lived a life with happiness;
I have no reason to complain,
But imagining things that could have been
Overwhelms my heart with pain.

I wonder if he'd be here with me,
Relaxing by my side,
Maybe we'd have children now,
To fill my life with pride.

But in this life I'm here alone,
Lost love my one regret,
And despite the grief it causes me,
I pray I don't forget.

As I stare up at the swaying branches,
I hum an ancient tune,
And though the words are long forgotten,
The melody stays true.

I feel a breeze upon my skin,
And the song begins to soothe,
Despite the choice I wish I'd made,
I find comfort in one truth.

That dwelling on my past mistakes
Will never bring you here,
That there's beauty in this world to find,
Even though you're never near.

I must focus on the subtle hope
That joy will find me soon,
But before I start to crest that hill,
I must appreciate the moon;

To humble myself enough to see
The awe in my surroundings,
All the gifts this world provides,
On display for us so proudly.

Forever avoiding me,
It has a mind of its own,
I reach out to grab it;
Always too slow.

My fingers once brushed it,
I thought I had won,
It consumed my whole body;
My face felt the sun.

Before I could bask,
The warmth disappeared,
It left me alone;
Confirmed my worst fear:

It's not mine to possess,
No matter how I try,
And I won't try to retrieve it
Next time it goes by.

As light shines through
My bedroom window,
Casting shapes upon the wall
My thoughts drift to days long past,
Which I'd rather not recall.
The shadows start to twist and turn,
My hands begin to shake,
And as I shift to get a closer look,
My heart begins to break.
No longer do I see a wall,
With shadows splayed across,
Instead I'm in another time -
My reality I have lost.
Even knowing I'm no longer sane,
I'm not ready to return,
Maybe if I relive the past
I'll have no bridges left to burn.