"dance with me, please"
he grabbed my hands
and i did my best
but i was too drunk
and it was hard to move
and there was no music

he placed his hand
on the small of my back
as he kissed me
but i was too drunk
and it was hard to move
and there was no music

"so, you're kinda freaky?"
he asked as he noted
the bruises left on my neck
but i was uncomfortable
and i was confused
and i didn't like the way he looked at me

you're delicate
you make me feel light and airy
you remind me of sunrises and
foggy, chilly mornings
and bright sunflowers
which are my favorite kind
you're soft and kind
you make me feel happy

and i want you to **** me with everything you've got

this was the summer i fell in love with you
and it was wrong of me
i was dating someone else, i know
but i always wonder if you remember
the car ride home from the festival
when you told me you thought
i was beautiful?
and you made me smile so much
but i couldn't accept my feelings
and i never embraced them
and when i was alone again
you were already gone
and i wonder when you'll come back
because i really miss you a lot
and i've made a lot of mistakes
and you've seen me cry about them
but even if you never ever feel the same
i miss just watching movies together
on my couch
until 3am
and falling asleep on your shoulder
and i just miss you being here for me

(do you still think i'm pretty?
i'm starting to think you hate me)

i still remember how it felt
to have your fingernails
drag across my skin
and how wanted i felt
because you actually wanted
to kiss me.

i know you regret touching me
and you'll never know how badly it hurts
that you will never want to again
maybe that just means it's time
considerably past due
and you never really knew
that i ever did
but i don't love you
anymore
(and that hurts more
than you never loving me)

i want to be someone you can talk to
unload your struggles on,
let me hear them
i'll offer advice, if necessary
but above everything
i'll be an ear to listen
a shoulder to cry on
someone to hug you
to hold you when you're down

i'll be your distraction
i'm here to soften the blows
quiet the loud noises
and maybe boop your nose
whatever will help,
whatever you need,
i'm always here

it's in your head, darling
it's all in your head
it isn't real
you're making it up

you're so paranoid, baby
they don't think about you
not nearly as much as you assume
you're making it up

you're so pessimistic, honey
no one can be that bad
you're perfectly normal
you're making it up

you're so conceited, gorgeous
loving boys with your toes in the water
when they're up to their necks in you
you're making it up

you think too much, darling
no one analyzes this the way you do
no one cares as much as you do
but oh, what if they did?

your eyes remind me
of the slightly overcast
january mornings
i spent walking at 6am
cold, crisp
blue and bright

i want to paint
my new bedroom walls
in the comfort i feel
when you smile
because of something i did
or said

and i want you
to feel happiness
because you deserve
only the best out of life

the future is uncertain
both of us know it
and we know to enjoy
the "now"
and the "then" will come
and only then
will we know what will happen

it's refreshing, isn't it?
the cool ocean breeze
the sand beneath my feet
a breath of well-deserved happiness
a sigh of needed relief

i've been thinking about you a lot lately
you've been very good for me
you take only what's given
and expect nothing more

sure, it'd be nice to see this go somewhere
but it doesn't have to
i'm happier than a clam
(and clams are very happy)

right now you're a comforting place
a trip to the ocean
the sand beneath my feet
and that's okay

it's refreshing, isn't it?

oh, babe, i know this is late
significantly after the fact
but as i've only now given myself time
to think, to let go
this is when it's coming out

oh, babe, i know you hate me
i've seen the words you've written
you can deny them, take them back
but it's too late
i know how you feel

oh, babe, i'm so sorry
it wasn't very kind
placing stinging words
in places where i knew you'd see
i was so angry, so sad, so frustrated
and i didn't know myself

oh, babe, i truly am sorry
to have made you cry
it's not what you deserved, not what you needed
and not what i wanted at all

although that was the problem, wasn't it?
what did i want?
i still don't know, babe,
but i know it can't be you
not anymore
because i'm lost, craving the love
you were so willing to give
from the heart of a boy
who refuses to give it
who can't give it
who wouldn't give it

so i seek out affections from the hearts of boys who could never love me
wrap myself in it, shield myself in it
use it to wipe away my tears
because it's harmless, isn't it?
we're just friends.

and maybe i would have loved you,
if you had given me more time
but i wasn't ready
and i wouldn't be ready
until it was much too late

and maybe i could have loved you,
if you had been less intense
your designed love was much too fast
                                                   too quick
                                                   too easy
                                                   too harsh

and maybe i should have loved you,
because you would have given me your all
invested every minute you could into me,
and truly loved me with everything you could


oh, babe, i'm desperately sorry
for tying your heartstrings around my fingers
along with the promises i didn't keep
dragging you along through every wave of emotion
it was an ocean you didn't need to see
but i knew you loved the water.

this sinking feeling in my stomach
is all too familiar
maybe it was a bit forward of me
to think that your words meant something
to think that i meant something
but it isn't your fault
you're impulsive
and you get what you want
and i wish i could too
but i really really wanted
to be something that you want

but what you want is to feel different
to erase the negative feelings
and replace them with artificial positives
and i understand
because i'm not above it

although i'm still having dreams about him,
you're what i thought about
when i first woke up

i hope that's okay

i remember
the sun beaming down on my back
as the wind blew through the tall green grass
the hot air creating a sweat on my brow
running through the field to the large tree
in the middle
climbing up high to view the neighborhood
as few others had seen it this way

i remember
riding down the large hills
on my bright green bike
feeling the wind rush through my auburn hair
feeling the breeze rush through my chest
faster and faster i would try to go
to get the feeling of flying
and oh, how i wanted to stay

i remember
coming inside from playing
to hear yelling and screaming
from deep within the house
and a deep, sharp noise, a leg through a closed door
"is this what you want?
did you want them to hear?"
i hoped for it to stop

i remember
my father coming over for easter dinner
and getting a little too much alcohol
and yelling at my mother
for turning us against him
"what do they know?
they're just kids!
stupid, young kids"

i remember
in the corner of the playground
where he used to play with me
a game i didn't understand
and wouldn't for a while
until he got caught
by an older student
and expelled

i remember
meeting him again at another playground
where you asked me
with a smirk on your face
"do you remember our game?"
i lied straight to your face
and told you i did not
but i really can't forget

i remember
the first time i felt ugly
looking in my full length mirror
in my purple painted room
i was seven
and just about to have another growth spurt
and had packed on weight for the transition
and my mother told me it will be okay

i remember
the yellow roses
planted outside the living room window
that bloomed once in the spring
then faced a terrible storm
and were never quite the same again
but they always tried to grow

nothing compares to the empty feeling
that you've left inside of me.
you tell me lovely words,
and then leave me alone
to my own thoughts and creations
i never wanted to love you
but here we are
here i am
alone and confused
and i can't tell you
oh no, no way
you'll judge me
hate me
the way you do to my opinions
my dreams, wishes
my thoughts
you're no good
not for me
not at all
a bad friend
a worse lover
but wow, if i could change you
now wouldn't that be something
make you kinder, more open,
more willing to talk to me,
like you once did
more understanding, more caring
less cold and distant
less painful and agonizing
more appreciative and mannerly
and maybe if you made me cry
a little bit less
with your take take take
and only enough give
to make me crave more and more

wow, if i could change you
now wouldn't that be something

there is a very
large disconnect
between what you think of me
and what i see in the mirror
(and it feels really nice
but i wish i was the only one)

noun*
the ability to produce a desired or intended result.

i
want you
to want me
but i don't know
if i have that ability
to make you want me
as much as I want you to
but oh, goodness, do i want
you, and I really want you to see
how very pretty you can make me feel

the way you kissed me
is like a double-edged sword

i loved it
but you'll never
do it again

i'm accepting it

when 815 miles becomes 2214.5 miles
and 10 miles becomes 478.3
at least i know i'll still have you here with me
because with everyone's lives continuing
and ours not
i have a vague hope that
you'll be forced to try
and be here for me

(and it's probably the saddest thought
that you are the closest
that you are staying
but i miss you the most)

i have memories of being told
on an old science show
that everything is matter
everything is something
just because you can't see it
doesn't mean it isn't there
a person is a person
no matter how small
but oh, how small i feel
compared to you
your magnificence is
unparalleled
incomparable
and the lessons i've learned
of equality and importance
have no meaning here
because it's not meant
to be you vs me
it's a matter of opinion
and everything is matter
even the smallest speck
compared to the biggest tree
unbelievable
that we could have the same
origins
come from the same
matter
at the beginning of time
beginning of life
beginning of me
beginning of you
we're all the same
but we're oh so different
you're the greatest building
the tallest
standing 2,722 ft tall
in dubai
and i am the smallest city
0.17 square miles
population 783
and my deep breathing
exercises
aren't working like
they should
i want to be lovely
for you
i'm not worthy
to be received
in the same manner
i receive you
but everything is matter
and everything is something
and a person is a person
no matter how small

it's the difference between
you're so awesome and
you're so interesting

it's the difference between
a compliment
and whistling at me in public

yes i express myself
yes i am noticeable
no i don't want you to touch me

yes i express myself
yes i am noticeable
no i don't need your opinion

it's not okay to kiss me
touch me
***** me
pet me
without permission

and it's not okay
that to avoid these gestures
i have to change
my expression

with an unknown force
you drag me in
by my wrists
i know i shouldn't want it
you're no good
i'm too much
you're too little
too many near misses

and right when i'm done
the bruises have healed
the thoughts repressed
you tell me again
that i'm pretty
and it starts all over

you kissed my flaws
you made them feel
something other than worthless
and i miss you
and wish you opened up for me
like i would for you
if only you'd ask

i suppose nothing quite compares
to the absolute disheartenment
upon learning that those you adore
feel nothing close to the same
for you

it doesn't really make me feel better
when you tell me how ******* sorry you are
because you knew what you were doing
as you did it

it doesn't really make a difference
that i drive you crazy
because it didn't matter to you
when it mattered to me

it doesn't really affect much
that you wish me well, that you're ashamed
once you drop an apple,
it will remain bruised
and change it's texture

sorry doesn't change what happened
the things you said to me
are still tattooed on my skin
no matter how hard i try
to rub them off

it's the memory of a time
stripped down to my underwear
wrapped in your bedding
wrapped in your arms
the closeness we shared,
the laughter
and the happiness
that i want to relive

maybe only momentarily
and very rose-tinted
i want to feel you again

four pink, three blue, five yellow, two green
i don't know how you manage to make it seem
so easy
to get up in the morning
to go to sleep at night
to sleep soundly
to do your job
everything you're supposed to
i don't know what i'm meant to do

four pink, three blue, five yellow, six green
what is it all supposed to mean
i didn't ask to be here
i have no effect
no purpose
nothing more than another girl
who writes a lot

five pink, four blue, six yellow, eight green
never really been too keen
never good, no good
useless, worthless
and sad

i don't see any benefits to your existence
you are a waste of space
i don't want you in my life
you are an awful excuse for a man

"but he is your father
and he loves you"
has become overused

you are not the man of my childhood
he would never have said
or done
the things you have
where is he?
where are you?

you have an amazing ability
to avoid the blame
that is rightfully yours

a truly amazing talent
to justify your actions
to yourself

i never said i was absolutely perfect
but wow! you're not handling this well

and i guess neither am i
because now that i've had time to myself
i'm ashamed to find
that i am in fact
missing you

you consider me pretty
i know because you've told me
several times before
i know because i've felt you
react to me

i know you would have never loved me
even if you thought you could
(which you didn't)
i wasn't ruined enough

your own sadness must be complemented
compared
with mine
i wasn't ruined enough

someone whom i thought was your friend
pulled me aside
because she thought you might
and she chose to warn me
but you didn't
i wasn't ruined enough

but you will never really know how ruined
tarnished
*****
used
filthy
i truly am

you will never really know how he
whispered to me
breathed on me
pressed on me
pressured me
complimented me
insulted me
threatened me

touched me


i find it incredibly insulting
that "emotionally damaged"
has become attractive
romanticized
wanted
by guys like you

i've never been with anyone
who i didn't understand
i've never loved someone
who wasn't close at hand

but i must admit
it's very bland
to be with someone
you must command

where ****** favors earn you yours
earn you niceties
earn you plans

i need someone who isn't
swayed
attached
infatuated
latched
just because of the things i can do with my mouth

your smile is incredible
your laughter is incomparable
your voice is unlike anything
i've ever heard before

your hands are delicate
your eyes are intricate
your words simply shake me
right down to my core

it's selfish to wish
that you would
one day
smile and laugh
because of me

the speed of light
is 299792458 m/s

edgar allan poe
was born in
boston, massachusetts

string theory is
a theoretical framework
in which the point-like particles
of particle physics are replaced
by one-dimensional objects
called strings

sukiyabashi jiro
is a michelin three star restaurant
in ginza, chūō, tokyo, japan


and yet i use this ability
to listen to sad music
and think about how much i miss you

i hope you hear a song i showed you
in a store, or on the street

and i hope it makes you feel
absolutely awful

Your attitude towards pop culture.* Just because I happen to enjoy things like pop music and those stupid little round chapsticks doesn't mean I deserve to be belittled by you.

2. Your inability to move on. Okay, so she didn't like you back. Alright, that really *****. I understand. It's not the end of the world, either, and shouldn't have hurt you quite nearly this much for this long.

3. You make everything about you. Maybe if you spent as much time trying to know me as you did talking about yourself we wouldn't be where we are.

4. You will lie to get what you want. Yeah, you ****** up. You brought up the major "L" word incredibly too soon. It's fine. You were drunk, and I got my space. But as soon as you edged near the concept again and I caught you, you immediately back-tracked and tried to make me think you were still what I wanted.

5. Your classic manipulative tendencies. I understand self-hate. I really do. But it's not okay to use your own self-hate as a tool to make me feel guilty.

6. You're immature. Sure, I don't claim to be absolutely perfect. I'm an eighteen year old girl, I have a long way to go. But after not talking to me for three days, isn't it a bit *young of you to delete me off of every single social networking you can think of off the top of your head? I understand a clean break, but you didn't even try to talk to me first and measure my feelings.

7. You're passive-aggressive. It's really cute how you would write negative and mean things about me where you know I would be able to see them. Really cute.

8. You didn't want to know me. I opened up to you. I truly did. I expressed many things to you that took a lot of time and work to be able to express to my therapist, a person who I literally pay to talk to about my problems. But, unfortunately, anything that didn't fit in the schema you shoved me into, you promptly forgot.

9. You never listened to me. I told you exactly what I wanted. Exactly what I was looking for. You told me you could do this, but as soon as you wanted something else, you fought tooth and nail for that instead, completely disregarding any feelings I may have had about it.

10. You're probably going to read this. Leave me alone. I pushed you away because of the reasons above, not because I'm pushing everyone away. Feeling lonely and writing about it doesn't mean I don't have close friends that I talk to and love very much. Which I suppose you'd know, if you bothered to know me.

i just wish i could feel something

i am so lonely

you're so pretty
did you know that?
your hair is soft
your eyes are soft
your skin is soft
your voice
your movement
your disposition
is soft

you're so pretty
i can't comprehend the fact
that you would ever want
to be like me

you're so pretty
it would be nice
to hold you a while
maybe watch a tv show
or a movie

you're so pretty
i really want to know you
inside out
your fears, your ambitions
your loves, your hates
you
all of you

every
last
detail

i don't want to date you
you're unemotional
walled off
if we were going to connect
we would have already

you don't put much effort
you don't respond to my messages
although i try to be there
a constant variable
for you

i understand that you don't mean it
to be a negative thing
it's just how you are
you see everything i send
and sometimes you mention them to me
whenever i make enough effort
to get you to see me

regardless of how understanding i can be
i don't want to keep you
i don't want to own you
i don't want you to be mine

i just want to feel your lips against my neck
and your nails dragging harshly across my skin

slowly walk into the bathroom
deep breathing exercises
count to ten
again and again
step onto the cold linoleum
the cold hurts your feet
slip your skin off
wash off the mask
you don't need it right now
kneel to the cabinet
under the sink
pull out the small square
put it on the floor
in front of your feet
deep breathing exercises
count to ten
again and again
one step forward
right foot to match
clenched fists, white knuckles, shut eyes
count to ten

the number blinks at you
you've gained
you've gained
you've gained
you've gained
you've GAINED
YOU'VE GAINED
the room becomes smaller
you drop to your knees
warm tears roll down your cheeks
move closer to the porcelain
both hands taking turns in your mouth
get it out
get it out
get it out
get it out
now

a deep breath, a sigh of relief, the sound of harsh running water
you won't eat tomorrow
you don't deserve it

a boy was mean to me today
my mother gave me a hug
and told me it will be okay
they deserve each other anyway

i didn't fall asleep in math today
i swear to god it's a miracle
i'm not failing that class
though my efforts make me feel that way

one pill to take the edge off
one pill to calm me down
one pill to make me feel better
one pill to make me drown

to drown in the feelings of nothing
to make it easier to sleep
to keep away the dreams
the nightmares
the thoughts of you

please leave me be

i've never been good at sudoku
i erased all the numbers to start again
how i wish i could erase all of my feelings
that easily

my pencils have no erasers anymore
and i think that's ironic
and symbolic
for how many mistakes i make
on paper
in life
with you
with me

one pill to take the edge off
one pill to calm me down
one pill to make me feel better
one pill to make me drown

i begin to feel light
i begin to feel soft
i begin to feel bright
maybe i won't dream
maybe i will sleep
          through the night

please leave me be

i'm ******* honored
to be the exception

to be the only girl
you think is cute
with short hair
because of your stupid generalized rule
that short hair is unattractive

*******
and **** that your compliments
no matter how backwards
still make me happy

if boys like you
wanted me, sober,
as much as you do
when you're drunk
then maybe i wouldn't
feel so hideous
and useless
and used
and sad

my body has begun
to bear the weight
you've put on my mind

i don't know how i got
these scratches and bruises
but i'm blaming you

it's easier that way

oh if only you knew
i would give anything
anything to be
anything other than me

freckled knees
freckled shoulders
freckled arms

"why are you so pale?
you look like you're dead
have you tried getting a tan?"

the irony stings my burned shoulders,

yes i have tried.

yellowed bruises remain on my thighs,
the thighs that got me called fat
in the seventh grade

"have you ever noticed
she's kinda fat? i mean
her thighs are so big,
they're like thunder thighs"

and from that statement a nickname was coined
that caused me to desperately,
desperately,
need to be skinnier
and i'll never be enough

"darling, are you okay?
please take this
go home and eat a big dinner
the wind is going to blow you away!"

i don't think i can ever win

i feel a desperate need to apologize
but i have nothing to be sorry for

sorry for not being ready?
sorry for not believing you
(when you've given me evidence
to prove the opposite of your words)?

the more and more you opened up
the more and more i began to see
the parts of me that i hate the most
inside of you
(and you didn't bother to hide it)

you never bothered to know me
you only bothered to know
your interpretation of me
and it was wrong
(don't argue with me)

i am not everything you hoped i'd be
and i'm sorry for that
but you did this to yourself

i know exactly what you're going through
i know exactly how you feel
but please
just
shut the **** up

(you never listened to me anyway)

a strange world we live in
where i can hear
your last moments
and feel a connection to you
although you can't feel
anything

anymore

i think you're perfect
but i don't think we would be
your personality is softer
but your feelings and actions
are much harsher

if i were raised a little less like my mother
wanted me to be
showing me what not to do
as she placed the cigarette between her lips
maybe we would have been more alike

i know your internal struggles and feelings
all too well
as they are ones i've experienced before
and experience now

although your friends problems seem
all too real
as compared to mine
which are all in my head

in two year's time
you won't remember
my favorite color
or my favorite food

in five year's time
you won't remember
the texture of my hair
or the feel of my skin

in ten year's time
you won't remember
my name or my hair color
except that they were both odd

in fifteen year's time
you won't remember
exactly what i looked like
(were her eyes blue or green?)
except that you thought i was pretty

in twenty year's time
you won't remember
me at all

except when you're hanging out at the bar
with the guys from work
and you talk about young romance
and you say
"there was once this girl,
but i can't remember
her name"

although we don't speak anymore
and we have every right not to
i still wonder how you are
from time to time

i wonder what you think about
i wonder how you're doing
last i heard it wasn't so great
are you feeling better?

i wonder what you do to pass the time
i wonder who your friends are now
and what you do together
are you doing alright?

i wonder if your plans have changed
i wonder if you still like the music you did
or if you've found something new
are you okay?

but i think
most of all
even if it's as just a friend
or someone to talk to

i wonder if you miss me

nothing can compete
to the ache in my stomach
after confirming
that i am a failure

i waited too long
to rid my stomach
of how i've made myself feel

i've actively avoided
listening to the music
that my father used to

i suppose it's ironic
that this is the only thing
that expresses how you
made me feel

maybe my warnings at the start
weren't enough

maybe you thought my feelings
had changed

maybe i thought my feelings
had changed

"i will find a center in you"

it wasn't fair to either of us
i've given you
too much reason
to write

i will never make the mistake
of letting anyone that close to me
ever again

it's gone too far
too long
too fast

it's been too much
too soon

it's not your fault, not really
but you deserve someone
who knows exactly
what they want

you just have bad timing

red blood cells live for about four months
white blood cells can live for over a year
skin cells live about two to three weeks

slowly, hour by hour
day by day
week by week
month by month
year by year
my body will die and replace itself

and surely enough
some day
eventually
i will have a body you never touched
and hair you never pulled