you may have done me wrong a number of times,
but i will always love you.

there were times where you treated me like ****, but at the same time you treated me so nicely and that's what i fell in love with.

you are the person i love,
you are my 4 am thoughts,
you are in my mind.

i need you.

I like when silence fills my veins and the distant hum of civilization is barely in my ear. I like when the steam from my cup of tea fogs up my glasses and I have to put down my book for a second just so I can wipe them. I like when I get lost in the pages of a book and it feels like I'm watching a film in my head; making it up as I go.

I enjoy being alone.

Though, I do not enjoy when I'm lonely. I hate when I'm in a room filled with people and everyone seems to be laughing and having a good time while I'm by the corner wondering where to begin. I hate when I start talking and then gradually fade out because I've realized that no one gives a **** about what comes out of my mouth unless it's blood. I hate when I ask for help and I can physically see someone getting annoyed with me and roll their eyes wishing to be anywhere else. I hate when I find myself the loneliest when I'm surrounded by a group of people.

I enjoy being alone.

Dear ——,  
There are a few things I wanted to mention. Don’t worry, this wont be long and depressing I promise. I just wanted you to know that I’ve learned a lot for my time on this planet. For some reason I feel like I’ve lived thousands of lives already, and gradually picked up on some things in my time. This is what I want to mention to you. I’m not sure if it’s the secret of our unfathomable lives, or just a bunch of cliche words tied together to make you feel something. But I’m still going to mention it.
I was in pretty bad place before, and I’m most likely still in a bad place but thats okay because I was there and I felt everything and everyone. Even if I hated them, I knew they came into my life for a reason. You see, I believe everything happens for a reason. And **** those people who say everything doesn't matter because it does. And it does because you’re there and they're there, and you are all there together and it all ******* matters because you matter. Don’t ever believe all of this doesn't matter. Because if you do, I’ll start to feel bad for you, and nobody likes being pitied.
I’ve also done many bad things. To myself and mostly other people. I’ve had a hard time in this life, but I think it was worth it. I think all the pain, the stress, the dissociation, the mental issues, the loneliness- it was all worth it for this moment I’m in right now.
Because in this moment, I’m in the comfiest red truck. I am covered in the warmest blanket. My favorite song in the whole universe is on a low hum. The sky is a bright orange descending into a faded twilight. The stars are so bright, and I don't even care if they are most likely dead, they are still hopeful. The mountains make me feel like I belong somewhere. The sun’s orange light is illuminating you, and I swear to god you look like an angel. And you love me with every bone in your body, and I love you with every atom in mine, and thats okay.
I guess what I’m saying is that, don’t be afraid of death. Don’t be afraid of the unknown. Learn to love it. Learn to love what you hate. Learn to love who you hate. Learn to give yourself to everything and everyone even if its dangerous. Learn to love goodbye’s. Learn to love Mondays. Learn to love the bad days. Learn to love every bad thing in the world. Learn that everything no matter how ugly it is, is so beautiful. And truly beautiful things never die.
So, this is goodbye. This is my last letter to you. These are my final words. They're not great, but thats okay. I just want you to know that right now I’m staring at you, and you are so ******* beautiful. I never thought I would love someone so much, but there you are, breathing everything in. You’ll be fine, I swear to you. And who knows? Maybe, I’ll see you my next life, because whoever’s up there knows I’ll look for you. I always do.


love,
——

I do not love him.

Maybe for a bit I did, but I don't now.

I have to keep telling myself about the sarcastic way he said, "I'll always be here," and "I won't leave,". I have to keep telling myself about the way he would love his alcohol more than my company.
He never waited for me, or held the door. He had to be the first one to leave and the first one to arrive. He turned his head when he saw something he didn't like, and he would die before trying anything new.

I do not love him.
but I did.

I fell in love with the way he said my name and the rasp in his voice when he said, "I'll always be here,". I fell in love with how he would look at me like I was his whole world, and become jealous when other boys would look at me the same way. He would play with my fingers and look at them for the longest time as if he was trying to decipher some lost language of the human body. And when he would stare at my lips, I would just crumble into his sublime. I loved the way his thumb would run over my lower lip like he wanted to touch me just to be sure I was real and not a dream.

I do not love him.
but I did before.
not anymore.

Not after he slammed the door in my face and deleted me from his life like a single button. He refused to look at me and when he would say my name it sounded like a stranger. I don't love him anymore because of his growing lies and distant hands. After he decided to ruin my heart he went the extra mile and ruined my life.

Every song had his name in it, and every piece of clothing smelled like him. He ruined me in the most deadliest ways: by slowly ripping my heart out with his green eyes.

I don't love him.
but I did.

His heart was as cold as the Alaskan air but his voice was as warm at the alcohol he drank and that was the only thing I'm still in love with.

if you're in my life theres probably
a poem written about you

I am a girl that calls herself a planet.

I do this because I look around and I see that I don't belong. I first thought it was the world that was different, but as I grow older I see that it is I that differs. The things I like are deemed weird. I speak with blunt force and honesty- but in this society that is looked down upon. I am not what beautiful is defined to be. In fact, I'm the exact opposite. So, I choose not to be seen.

Yet, I want to be wanted. Though being wanted is unattainable for a planet like me. I have a house, but not a home. I have parents and siblings, but not a family. I have people to talk to, but not friends. I am alone. It's not that I feel too small for this world, it is that I feel too big. I'm not good around people. So, I must be alone for the better of society. And I'm afraid, that I will be alone for the rest of my life.

That is the burden of being a planet; remaining untouchable.

Don't mind the days we don't speak for hours
Don't mind if they turn into weeks

If you see a scar on our bodies, think nothing of it. Never ask how we got it, just look the other way.

If you see our journal lying on the bed, move it to the table side and walk out of the room.

If we look frail, smile at us and leave the stove on.

If our eyes are red, hand us eye drops and give us cold glass of water.

When the principal calls to see how we are doing after a week of not coming to school, tell him we came down with something contagious. Don't tell him we ran away for a couple of days.

When my friends don't come over or call, don't think anything of it.

If you're worried, don't be. We'll be alright soon enough, we just have to get through all this **** by ourselves first.

I made many mistakes but loving you was never one of them

- I'm sorry I left first

- Every time I think of your face a part of me disintegrates, I don't know whether this is a good or bad thing yet

- I never loved anyone as much as I loved you, please never forget that

- You've changed me, and I don't know if it was for the better, but I'm not the same anymore

- I hope you know that I was ready to run away with you at any second

- You were the first person that made me feel like I belonged somewhere

- You're probably still confused to why I left you, and it's better that you don't know. But, I want to make it evident that you were my first home. Now, I need to move.

- You will always be a part of me, and I hope I will always be a part of you

- You'll always be my petal

- I'm sorry all of this is a little bit too late