Recently I have been dealing with doubts about what my life philosophy is.
Yeah,
Sure,
I love people- I want to spread kindness and love and support and one day actually help people
(Possibly save people's lives)
But then I think about how much I have changed over these years - specifically the last year and a half. I have become someone different than who I was coming out of high school and starting college.
Yeah, it's pretty ******* "normal" for that to happen...but for me it was like an identity crisis. For me it was like the facets of how I understood my ego were falling apart and I was a caricature of who I once was.
But get this:
Since then I have found a happiness beyond what I thought was happiness. I have found some sort of reasoning to live beyond academic success and maintaining an image that is supposed to be perfect. I am learning that my flaws are making me beautiful. I am learning that sometimes I am not even that flawed. I am learning that I don't need to have all my **** together..
Because what is the point of living this life and learning new things everyday if I already did have all my **** together?
I battled with expanding my horizons and what I really wanted out of life. I dabbled with breaking straight edge and found some weird solace in psychedelics. I learned to be honest with myself. But that maybe I can be honest with other people too.
I found love at a different level that I can't convey to people - and I don't even ******* care if people understand.
I found an internal happiness that I want to radiate out but still get too afraid to do that because what if it all falls apart?
But maybe I can become a bit more confident.
Maybe I can bend my own twisted ideas and break a cycle I used to find myself into -
Because I am getting better.
So, if I were to explain my new life philosophy..
I would say:
It's ok to not be ok -
Things come,
And things pass -
Bad things don't last
And people can break through
From chains
Binding them,
Without shattering
Like glass -
But if in some way we break,
We can be repaired.
Because we aren't stalled
Or hopeless
And our past
Doesn't color
The future -
No,
A neon light
So bright,
Colors the future in hues.
Our reality is what we make of it now,
And how we can learn from it later.
So live, and learn.
And shine on,
You crazy diamond.

Amaze me,
Or maybe just phase me
Blast me in a hazey maze
With your hasty ways
And your phazers
Cutting me like razors
Erase her,
Till the time it pays - off.
And help yourself
To get so well
Getting out of
Your personal hell.
I'm progressing,
Can't you tell?

Why am I ******* up
So bad?
What I am even doing?
When am I ever gonna learn?

I met you in downtown Chicago...
But I had to leave
The very next day.
So we made plans to live in New York City-
And maybe visit LA.

Showing me things I
Thought I'd never see-
Was it love
Or just my fantasy?
Was it real-
Or just a dream?
Was it pleasant,
Or my nightmare?
Sometimes you get so anxious,
And I take it personal-
But little did I know
Is that you were just as hurt
And as scared as me.

Was it real-
A dream,
Or fantasy?

Well, at least we
Will always have
Downtown Chicago-
And concerts-
And movies nights
When we'd watch
Some great flicks...

I first met you in downtown Chicago...
I left the very same day.
But I promised I would
Travel to New York City,
And then maybe come meet you in LA,
Even if for one day.

So be my teacher-
My favorite person-
And my friend-
Accept me as I am,
I will care for you unconditionally-
No matter what we are.
Because my heart
Will remain
Where we first met
In downtown Chicago.