Amber K

Amber K Nov 2020

I received a message yesterday,
from an unexpected sender.
Someone I had not spoken to in years.

The last we spoke was in high school.
At the time,
I was dating a guy who loved to manipulate and lie,
and she was falling for him as our friendship grew.
We had a falling out,
after they both broke my heart,
and for so long I held so much anger for her.
I no longer trusted friends,
and I was insecure about everything.
I had never known such deceit.
But after we all parted ways,
I began to reflect on it all.
A part of me felt sorry for her.
She fell for him the same way I did.
How could I hate her for that?

The last thing I expected was an apology.
Especially after the bitter words we shared before.
She explained how awful she still felt,
and how she just wanted forgiveness.

It was a strange feeling to put something from the past to rest,
because so much happen that I never got closure for.
I had already decided I never would get closure for any of it.
I'm so glad I was wrong.

Weird poem, I know. But I just had to explained what I've been feeling since yesterday.

#mending #healing #hope #happy #closure

Amber K Nov 2020

Familiar

I often think I never loved you.
I was just a dumb kid after all.
What fifteen year old understands love?
I think I just felt comfortable with you.
My lips had never touched another's.
My arms were use to your embrace.
Your family had welcomed me as their own.
I didn't know how I could break away from it.
Even as you hurt me,
and left me crying countless times,
I couldn't take the steps to get away from you.
The thought of leaving you plagued me.
What would it be like to smell your cologne,
and to recognize it as just another scent.
Nothing special.
Or to walk the halls of our school,
without you holding my hand.
You see,
I don't think I loved you.
I was just afraid of being alone.
I was use to you.
You were just there.
You were just familiar.

A random thought I had about teenage love. My first real relationship was a toxic mess. And for awhile I tried to figure out how the "love" I felt dissipated so quickly after I broke up with this guy (who was horrible to me), then I realized I had just been comfortable with him. It wasn't anything deeper. Just someone I was use to being with. Not that i didn't care for him. I just didn't love him.

#young #love #teenage #angst #familiar #younglove #realization

Amber K Oct 2020

Something I've Been Thinking About

Obsessions.
They are what keep my brain from the trauma.
From the darker side.
In school I was the weird girl,
the one who talked about the things she loved too much.
The one who couldn't just LIKE something.
Whether it was a band or movie,
I would obsess.
I'd find a song I loved,
and overplay it until my ears would bleed.
I'd read a book,
only to read the same book five more times right after.
I began to think I was just a strange person.
I just had obsessive tendencies.
Then I notice something...
These obsession always spark after something bad happens,
or after my brain decides to go to dark place.
These obsessions are my minds way of protecting itself.
Because it's much nicer to obsessed over a band,
or a movie no one else cares about,
than to sit and dwell on all the awful turns life could take.
So let me obsess.
Let me be weird.
It's for my own good.

This pretty much speaks for itself. This year has been pretty traumatic for me, so my obsessive tendencies have been set to high. A friend and I were just talking about how were both obsessing over this band and mainly the lead singer, even though we've now about them for YEARS. I told her I think it's because we've both been in a negative place mentally, and this is our brains way of keeping the bad thoughts out. Because it's much easier to let me brain think about this band than to think about the two friends I lost to suicide this year or the million other things my brain decides to stress me out about daily.

#obsession #obsessive #thoughts #thinking #true #anxiety

Amber K Oct 2020

Four Months.

It's been four months since you made that decision.
Four Months.
How?
How has it only been four?!
I feel like it's been a lifetime,
since we've heard that laugh of yours,
or since you've picked on me and made me feel like I belonged.
Time seems to be almost at a standstill,
as we still try to figure out why you did what you did.
Four months ago,
you decided to leave.
Four months ago,
our lives changed forever.
I just wish we would've known before.
Maybe we could've saved you.
But here we are...
Four months from June 1st...
still crying those same tears.
Still wishing you wouldn't have left us.

We love you Ivan...

#fourmonth #sad #ivan #friend #suicide #missyou #sadness

Amber K Sep 2020

Dear Ivan

I'm thinking about you again today.
I think about you every day to be honest.
I just got through reading a long post your mom made to you.
It breaks my heart that you'll never get to read it.
You'll never get to see how much you were truly loved.
I go to your facebook page every other day as well.
I don't even use facebook anymore,
but I guess there's a part of me that still hopes it's all a dream,
and that one day I'll go on your page,
and it will no be a memorial page.
The pictures that read "Rest In Peace" will be gone.
Your last message to us wouldn't be there.
Instead you'd have posted something funny,
or replied to one of your friends dumb posts.
I still hope that you'll message me back,
and I'll come home to my husband laughing at something you said.
But I know it won't happen.
Deep down inside,
I know you're gone.
But it's just not fair.
It's not right.
You should be here with us.
You should still be laughing,
and smiling,
and breathing.
Your mom shouldn't have to miss her first born.
Your dad shouldn't have to drive your truck to feel close to you.
Your siblings shouldn't have to know life without their big brother.
I just don't get it.
I know you were hurting...
but it's like your hurting never went away.
Like a nasty parasite,
your pain latched onto everyone who loved you,
the minute your soul left this earth.
None of us will ever be the same again.
June the first was when you turned our world upside down.
We've been feeling the shockwave ever since,
and I don't think that feeling will ever leave us.
We miss you Ivan.
I just wish you could see how much we miss you...

#suicide #suicideawareness #sad #down #missyou

Amber K Sep 2020

A Year's Difference

If someone would've told me last year,
that I'd be where I am now,
and that this year would change my life forever,
I probably wouldn't have believed you.

And I know what you're probably thinking.
"This whole virus has changed everyone".
But that's not what I'm talking about.
I was a germaphobe and anti social before the pandemic.

What changed my life was the loss of two friends.
They were 22 and 23.
One took his life on March 16th.
The other took his life on June 1st but passed away on the 2nd.

Both went the same way,
but knew nothing about the other.
Both shared in the same struggled,
but had no idea that someone else who understood was out there.

After their deaths,
I realized my life was forever changed.
The word suicide broke my heart anytime I heard it,
and it just brought back the pain of what I wasn't able to prevent.

I take depression more seriously now.
I've started asking people if they are okay,
to the point that it's probably annoying.
But I can't help it.

I've started wanting to just help others.
I think every day that if I could just save one person,
my life would be complete.
I just want to help someone.

I think about who I was a year ago,
and how she had no idea what would happen,
to the boy she met in middle school,
or the guy she had just become friends with.

I think about how innocent she was,
to not know this pain.
How lucky she was,
to not have this hole in her chest.

But I also think of how blind she was,
to the way others felt.
And how I will never be blind like her,
ever again.

If you are thinking of taking your own life or hurting yourself in any way, please stop and ask SOMEONE for help. I don't know you, but I love you and I want you to know that you matter. After losing my friends, I realized how much hurt comes after a suicide. When someone who is hurting takes their own life, the pain doesn't go away. It just gets passed on to everyone who ever loved them. Please... I beg you.. don't leave this world. Keep breathing. If I could go back in time and tell my friends any thing I would tell them they are loved and I'd beg them to stay alive. But I can't... so I watch their families struggle with the pain they left behind...I can't imagine what they feel, because I know just as a friend the pain is so unbearable some days. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. And although I'm hopeful that my new found pain can help someone who is struggling, I'd do anything to get my friends back. To see their smiles again. To hear their dumb jokes and goofy laughs. I just want them back on this earth.

#mentalhealthawareness #loss #year #death #suicide #depression #suicideawareness #awareness #different

Amber K Sep 2020

Sirens.

Every time I here sirens,
I think of you.
I think of the lights I saw.
The reds and the blues.
I had no idea it was you.
And to this day,
I still flinch at the thought,
that it could be someone else I care about.

Shared from my drafts. About the day I lost a friend to suicide.

#sad #sirens #ambulance #emergency #red #blue #thoughts #drafts #sadness