Amber K

Amber K Sep 2020

I realized yesterday,
that I've written many poems,
but only shared a few.
I think it's because I've convinced myself,
that my words are too much,
and that no one wants to read another tragic tale.

No one wants to hear about me,
my messed up emotions,
or my dead friends.
No one wants to read about,
the days I felt like I was drowning.
There's no point in sharing what others find boring.

But then again,
it helps when I share.
I feel like even when no one seems to care,
at least I got my thoughts out there.
At least there's a chance that someone who's struggling,
will see that they aren't struggling alone.

So from this day forth,
I won't hold back.
I will pour my soul out for the poor and unfortunate.
I will tell you the stories of heartbreak,
I will tell you about the one's I've lost.
Even if you don't care to listen.

My only goal is to make everyone realize they have purpose here and that we all struggle and we all have heartbreaks, but we aren't alone and we can make it through together.

#poetry #public #sharing #open #struggle #friends

Amber K Sep 2020

06/02/2020 3:07 PM

June the first...
About thirty minutes after 9 AM.
I got the call.
I remember not allowing myself to believe you'd leave.
I messaged your Facebook,
telling you how much I cared about you.
I reminded you that we needed you to stay,
so you had to keep fighting.
I remember feeling so on edge that day,
but still not letting myself let go of that hope.
I believed so strongly that you'd breathe on your own again.
The next day,
All of us were on pins and needles.
Your mother was posting pictures of you,
strangers in states you'd never even been were praying for you.
Then 3:07 came.
You took your very last breath.
You took a part of us with you.
I cried so hard that I didn't think I would ever stop.
I wanted to scream at you...
but I also just wanted to hear your voice again.
I wanted to wake up,
only for someone to tell me it was just a horrible nightmare.
But I couldn't.
This was reality.
You were gone.
And the worst part of you leaving,
was the fact that I didn't know where you went.
Could you still hear me when I talked to you?
Were you watching over us?
Or were you too far away now.
Or were you even around at all anymore.
Were you simply just gone?!
I questioned everything after you left.
But eventually I had to come to terms with something.
That something was that you were not here.
No matter where you were or weren't,
you would not be HERE again.
I wouldn't see you or hear you again,
except for in my dreams where I pleaded for you to tell me why...
the one's where you smiled and refuse to answer.
I had to start letting go.
Once I started to let go,
I began to see things clearly again.
The pain of losing you was still there,
and I know it will never leave,
but it wasn't keeping me from living anymore.
I decided I couldn't let you go in vain.
I had to start living a life you'd be proud of instead.
So here I am...
Almost four months later,
on this rainy day,
thinking about how much I miss your dumb jokes.
Thinking about how happy I am that I got to know you.
I still wonder where you are,
but I just hope it's somewhere beautiful.

Just another poem about one of my friends I lost this year to suicide. He'd been on my mind so much these past few days. Writing about it all just helps me cope.

#suicide #loss #grief #sadness #friend #suicideawareness #awareness #june

Amber K Aug 2020

C.H.M

I know we haven't spoken in awhile.
And we each live completely different lives,
but there's some things I've currently realized about you,
that I've just got to get off my chest.
So here it goes...

Thank you.
Thank you for being the only guy who didn't lie to me.
You were honest,
even when it broke my heart.
When you weren't serious about us,
you told me.
When you liked another girl,
you told me.
You never kept any of it a secret.
I saw you as the enemy for a little while.
I saw you as the first boy to break my heart.
But you weren't trying to hurt me.
You couldn't help that I fell for you so fast.
It wasn't your fault that you didn't feel exactly the same.
You were never obligated to feel anything for me.

You were just a teenage boy,
trying to figure out life.

I'm thankful that you broke up with me.
Because the guy after you wasn't so kind.
He broke me in ways I can't even explain.
In ways that you would've never even dreamed of.

Thank you for being a gentleman.
I'm sorry for thinking you were anything other than that.
I hope you are living a full and happy life.
I hope you meet that girl of your dreams.
I hope she's everything you've been searching for and more.

Thank you, again.
For being the only one who broke my heart in the kindest way.

Throwback to high school romance. lol. I'm happily married so obviously I don't feel the same way I use to about this guy. But you never forget your first heart break, and I'm glad he was my first true heartbreak.

#heartbreak #young #love #first

Amber K Jun 2020

The Gravity of Grief

I don't remember much of last week.
All I remember are the tears.
They blurred my vision,
and clouded my brain.

It felt like a nightmare.
I felt stuck in this body.
I felt stuck on this Earth.
I wanted so badly to break free and come find you.

It was as if chains were pulling me down,
while gravity had it's ugly grip on me.
Although I was on dry land,
it felt like I was treading through deep waters.

Several times I thought my lungs would give out.
I thought my heart would burst through my chest.
My body trembled as sorrow filled me up to the brim,
and I wondered how you could really be gone.

It has now been a little over a week since grief made it's debut.
I'm still breathing,
but I still ache like no one should have to.
I'm still trying to keep my head above water.

Maybe this is what you were feeling before you left.
Maybe you felt like you were drowning.
Maybe it was too much.
Maybe, we weren't enough to keep you here.

But energy cannot be destroy,
so I believe that when you left,
your pain made it's way to our veins.
Now we will carry it with us forever.

Rest in peace Ivan... You have no idea how much we miss you and how much we wish we could just rewind back to last Monday morning and take the gun from your hand... we wish we would've known... we wish we could have saved you. We will always love you. We will always miss you.

#friend #loss #sad #pain #anger #sorrow #sadness #missing

Amber K Jun 2020

Ivan

I lost another friend last week.
According to the will he left on his laptop,
he had been planning his death since November.
He was only 22.

This is the second friend depression has taken this year.
I just can't wrap my head around it all.
I've cried more than I ever thought I could...
and I've slept less hours than they say I should.

He seemed so happy.
We were talking to him the night before he left.
He was always laughing and joking,
and none of us seen this coming.

I find myself being so angry at him...
because the only things he left us with are questions.
Could we have saved him?
Did we do something wrong?

Then I cry some more...
because I hate myself for being angry with him...
Especially since I know the overwhelming pain of depression.
I know how lonely it can make a person feel.

I just hate that I never told him that.
I hate that I never told him how empty I feel sometimes,
because then maybe he wouldn't have felt so alone.
Maybe it would've made him stay.

But it's too late now.
Another young life is gone...
But I refuse to watch anyone else leave...
without knowing they are loved.

So if you are reading this now,
know I love you and I care about you.
I may not know you personally,
but I promise that you matter to me.

You are here for a purpose.
Your life is worth more than you will ever know.
If you leave you won't take the pain away,
you'll just give it to others to carry for you...

So please stay.
There is hope.
Just keep going.
Keep fighting.

Think of your family.
Your friends.
The music you haven't heard yet...
the movies you haven't watched...
the people you haven't met yet...

Think of anything...
as long as it keeps you here with me.
Just keep breathing.

My husband and I lost a close friend last week. He decided to take his own life Monday, June 1st, 2020. When they found him, he was still breathing, but barely. On June 2nd, his parents had to make the choice to let him go... because he would not be coming back to us. I don't want to lose anyone else like this ever again. My heart is so shattered... I can't even imagine what his family is feeling. He was the funniest, craziest guy you'd ever meet. He had a way of making everyone smile... except for himself. And no one knew how bad things were for him... If he knew how many people loved him and how many people he was hurting by leaving us... he never would've left. I think that's the problem. Depression makes us only see the things it wants us to see... meaning we fail to see those who would be lost without us if we weren't here. I suffer from depression and anxiety, but I refuse to be another victim of it. I refuse to be another statistic or tragic story... and I hope you do too.

#depression #lost #friend #sad #fight #breathe #hope #sign #keepgoing #loss

Amber K Mar 2020

All The Reasons Why

I wish you would've told me you were planning on leaving.
I wish you would've told us that would be your last sunrise.
I could've told you why you should stay,
while you rattled off your reasons,
for leaving this world behind.
I could've given you a million reasons to be alive.

I would've told you that leaving meant,
you'd never taste another home cooked meal,
or get on another rollercoaster ride.
You'd never spend a day basking in the sun,
while teaching your little boy how to fish.
You'd never again get to laugh until you cried,
or fall asleep to the sound of a summer rainstorm.

I would've reminded you of the best things life has to offer.
Like long car rides to beautiful destinations,
spending time with the ones you love the most,
or jumping into the Atlantic on the hottest day of the year.
I could've made you remember,
what it's like to have somebody understand your situation,
and how relieving it is to know you aren't alone.

But you left too soon.
I didn't get the chance.
My list could've went on and on and on,
and maybe it would've changed your mind.

But now it's too late.

rest in peace Forrest

#sad #depression #stay

Amber K Mar 2020

Different Directions (to: forrest)

I remember what you were like in high school.
You hung around with the "cool" crowd,
but still made time for me.
I'll never forget your dry humor,
and the weird things you'd say.
We'd talk about music,
and vent about our toxic relationships.
We came from two different worlds,
but we had similar mindsets.
Two angst filled teens,
just trying to find their way through life.

Then we graduated.
We thought we were going our separate ways,
But we ended up in the same direction.
I remember smiles in parking lots,
your horn beeping to scare me as you laughed,
And saying hello,
Just to remind each other that we weren't alone.

Then life hit.
You became a father.
I got married.
Our lives were now nowhere near the other.
We lived in the same town,
but never saw each other's face.
And when we did,
we never spoke.
We'd just smile and look the other way.

Last night I found out the direction you chose to take.
They said you took a gun to your favorite spot,
and said goodbye to the life you once loved.
You left your son behind,
and all of us who are asking why.
I stayed up almost all night crying,
just wishing it was all a bad dream.
What I would do to get you back...
to talk about music with you one last time.

But I can't get you back...
I can't ask you why.
I can't make it better.
You said you'd never felt so peaceful...
but you left us all in pieces.

All I can do is wonder,
and look at the signature you left,
on a slip of paper in my favorite book...
when you were a different kid.

Last night I got a message that a friend of mine from high school committed suicide. I've been crying off and on since I found out... I've barely slept... my heart is broken for him and for his family... and for his three year old son... I wish I would've known he needed help... I wish I could've been there for him..

#suicide #sad #depression