Gotta break loose from this circle that controls my life
I'm becoming a relic of self abuse
I want to fall in love with everything that moves
When I love nothing at all, and have nothing to prove
My love is addiction and my addiction is love
And I've got a short attention span, but somehow keep gliding
But I've given up on feeling high
I've felt it all before, and all I'm feeling now is shy
Never wanted to die and still don't
But it haunts my thoughts a lot so
I guess I gotta smash the clock and break out of my shell
Hope for the best, hope it settles the score

Wish I wasn't so broken
Cause everyone around doesn't want to be a friend
They just want to fix me
They want to turn my static into something more dynamic
They follow me around and orbit my dramatics
But I'm not much of a fan-addict

I just sedate
And when the dark rolls around
I know that I will live forever
I will never separate, and you will not see me
I will live in the dark forever
I will decorate the back of my eyelids with stars and coffins
I will put you to your rest, put you back to bed, where you came from
Behind time sockets

You will see the moon twitch with every night that passes
But the moon will always be full
Have fun with your illusions
I'll be recreating in a star of nuclear fusion

Give me your life, I will create your excuses
I will grind your ideas into fine powder
I will make a solution
I will travel so fast away from here I will undo the future
Till the fabric of space time seems a bit looser

I will live forever, you will not see me
I am as invisible as dark matter
I will be as swift and destructive as solar wind
I will put you to rest, I will put you back to bed, where you came from
Behind time sockets

There's a lot of people out there who will tell you that they used to be romantics till they got hurt
And they'll tell you that they still should, and that they're completely aware
It's like a high you once had that you will never again reach
Even if you tried you couldn't feel, even if you cut yourself you couldn't bleed

So what I do when I ask you and you say I do
Am I just another believer who's killing the dream
Should I grab my things and have a way with them
Like you always do, and end up hurting you too
Or should I swallow my pride for a romantic sacrifice

People talk about diamonds like they never lose there value, yet they can be so easily mimicked
Isn't it sentimental, or is it something about mother nature's chemist
But everybody's got something to say
They all like their diamonds laced with *******

Talking to you is like playing a word game
And I'm not doing so hot
What is romance if I've already had a shot
What is a movie if I already know the plot
My script isn't true until it's old and used
Should I keep falsifying truths, or should I find something new

Friends, we can get a long in a harmony of jokes
But where are we when one of us chokes

Down on the quarry, where the music silences
And the beats in between our hearts become apparent and orient
And the acoustic birds begin to ring our ears
When the face of an angel, blinks and tears.

Scatter yonder my feelings bare, barely
Before the hint of a moment reaches it's highest point
Cause I find you more beautiful with mascara worn away
Then prettied up for some pesky bar date.

Sad songs chime joy when in rhythm with the feeling
But every song you've sung is so commiserating, when you threaten me with your leaving.

Cause you casted your line too many times
And you're just about out of string
I've been stringing you on with my ***** paws.

And as we embrace this street with our youth
I could tell you one thing to hear
But it might be a different feeling from year to year

And maybe when age takes it's tole
I'll tell you I've just been living in fear
I've just been living in fear, let me tell you
I've just been waiting for the right time to hear.

I wish running away was an option
But I don't even have a car
All of my studies and every job just makes me feel more here when I want to be there
Wish I could fly away when I haven't even earned my wings yet, everything just feels sub par

Boss told me the other day that she's been around since the 90's
She told me to get out of here
I told her I don't have enough time

In between all the chaos
I try to use every minute to the fullest, but the hands on the clock don't want to high five
They just look back at me like I'm not even alive
Maybe sticking around here is at my intuitions cost, maybe more than the cost of my tuition
I'm just ivory in a sack of skin, play me like a piano you just bought
Cause otherwise I'm just gonna sit in this corner of town to rot

Felt like I've known for a while that the cracks in these streets have grown to wide
Tired of looking through a microscope
Stars and galaxies forming before we see them
Don't need to know the future to know they'll still be molecules and isotopes
There's some divine finger pointing the way I should go, what's looking me in the face, toe to toe just telling me to go, to go
Call me Lucifer because if I keep bowing down this'll be my fall
I've got free will but the world looks so **** tall

My beards gettin' long, just been snoozin' it
Friends tellin' me you ain't been out, you losin' it
and they probably right, but I'm just cruisin' it
But all this grief is selling

Where's my mental, it's leaving, but I'm shaking like shingles, all my boys got me, but they ain't even know the half of it, and they couldn't, errybody so shallow all I see when I look at 'em is 8-bit, but **** nobody cares, they just trippin, but at least I got the ladies strippin, what a personality I've acquired, isn't that fitting

I'm ready to throw
Trying not to swerve but she ain't driving to steady
It's falling apart, but she's on the horizon
She looks so **** fine from head to heart
It's easy to lose your head when you're at stop a light
And you gotta start all over, rip it all apart, and put it back together, fallin' apart
Stop the car, I gotta walk through all this (from the start)

Silence is feeling when she gone (Where you been?)
Can't get out, I'm paler then a ******* goblin (Around)
All I think is bullets when I got my head next to this pistol (You haven't been out in three weeks man, what happened to that girl you were talking to)
Can't seem to drop it all, but I guess we'll see when my wrist folds (I don't know man, she seeing somebody else)
Where's she at all I want to do is hold her ******* (You're a ghost man, you gotta forget about that *****)
Gets a little violent in here, hold my beer hot mess (Yeah I know man, I'll catch you around)
Going through all the hypotheticals, but that **** ain't alphabetical (****)
How am I supposed to know how to get over you when all you do is make me ******* sick confess

**** I guess I'll just **** the pain away, but it only kills it while I'm in her, but when I finish it stays here
I'm cold, *****, you were the only thing that warmed me
But I guess you were just the mold cause you formed me
I'm a salesman now, let me know where the pretty ******* at
I could sell you something, leaving you alone in the morning with fingers ready to point blame - blame it on my ben folds, fat stacks and fame
******* ain't even play the game, I just leave em in shame
You just a fake, and you linger, all the same, all the same
But you're sticking with me so I guess it's just something in my head

Call me pathological, I dare you you ******* dame
But all I know is your sticking, I can here it echo, I hear it, it's your name
Paradox, like a ***** wearin' crocks (that's what we call a **** block)
Maybe I'm the one who's the same, but you had to erase me just to find my true colors, ******* were a fighter
In between all the arguments and ***, and silent netflix, you were something more, but I was too busy being me to find that out, you were my cigarette, I was the lighter, I lit you up for a while, but in the end I just smoked you out
Look at your pencil, It's dull and calloused like you were when I left you, all I was to you was a blank piece of paper and you were the writer

Love at first sight
Was never meant to be taken literal
I don't even know what you've been through
But there's something under your skin
And I want to be there

Never wanted to know someone more
Never wanted to feel what rejection could be like
But I wanna take a risk with you
I would rather try and let you walk right through me
Cause sometimes the weight of not knowing is worse
Than not knowing at all

And there's something under your skin
And I'm sick of being scared
My time's growing thin
And I would have, I would have rather cared
Then had left it all behind

The smile on your face makes me selfless
What's that feeling, mind eraser
I hope I dream about you tonight
I hope I meet you tomorrow

You're a walking flesh antenna
And your input is a switch
Not open to interpretation
On or off, what you feel is what you define
Reacting before you analyze
Because when you think
You don't know if you're sad or if you feel fine

Were those false signals that left you dining alone tonight?
Or was every bite just another piece of observational delight
Numb in your insight
What your gut has to say is never right

Being is the best path for your mind
Essence in battle with existence
What new part of you you may find
Nooa min anooa, you're one of many kinds
Walking flesh antenna
Is there an output signal lost somewhere inside that magnetic field?

Where's the light in dark waters
Found my place there in between
But my telescope didn't reflect what I thought
And here we are in the midst
Makes me question the infinite

Your watering can is full of pesticides
And the birds only come in the morning
And when they leave you're left empty
The glass is left on the table with a fading imprint
And you never notice it till the next night
When you're paying with your emotions

I tried to cry, but couldn't
I knew you'd be there, but not like I wanted you to
Where 4 AM feels like forever
And the birds try and start a new day
But that day wasn't sung for you

Movies play on the TV screen
Projecting realities
Movies play on the TV screen
But it isn't your reality

My hair is so full of debris
My beard is becoming a monument to better times
There's a little devil on my shoulder, and a damp cigarette in my lip
There's a glass of stale water on my dresser I've been staring at for days
I'm still recovering from your explosion

I can't get in reach of my arms and legs
My mind has deteriorated from the entropy
I'm so angry all the time that the muscles on my forehead have distinguished the letter V
You were a black diamond that I crashed on
And now I'm trutting down the mountain in broken skis

Where were you when I believed
You opened the door for yourself and then you receded
You were my lover, but now you're a stubborn little dead girl I seeded
I replaced you with medication I write your name over and over in my head as I bleed
You were the only one who could ever relieve me of this pain and you left me with that need

Where'd you find those eyes, doll
All your needles, all your dyes
Why'd you make me fall
Where'd you learn all that voodoo juju

Impromptu impromptress who are you trying to impress
Cause there's a million guys who'd like to get under your dress
They forget you're the ventriloquist
And I'm SOL when you make everything yours
Like you always do, like you're so good at
I don't bat an eye, you're the inquisitress
And I'm ******* Johnny Defenseless in your inquiry imprisonment

I feel pins entering my skin everytime I'm around you
Acupuncture queen bee, your needles might get on my nerves
But most of the time they relieve me

And I'm here, and I'm waiting
And I feel a little blind when I can't see what I want to be seeing
I'm a little flawed, I struggle with just being
You're written in a different language, and while that might be deceiving
I hear you're a good read, and I'm getting a little greedy

A scope widened, in a frame suspended
A view appendage holding a crew surfaced
In a battleship full of fools
Above a sea as dense as a mother's love

Scattering shrapnel across a glass lake
Full of neanderthals with cast iron fists
A bunch of mouth breathers, treat me like a name-sake
But they can't see through things as transparent as race.
It's hard to keep this pace, It's hard to keep this pace, when people try steppin' on your shoelace

Every rose has it's thorn, yeah it's true, they've grown many-a-thorn.
That's why we must realize this world's full of heart, but embedded in the vessels it contains the foundations of pain.
Mother tries to remind us of her balance in nature, but we're too focused on the worst, in the worst of ways.
Instead just take a minute to think that the worst is why we have the best, and without these two extremes we cease to exist.
We resist the notion that the worst is the best, and in this we lose our touch with nature's nest.

That's why I ask you not to resist,
To break the glass lake, and unweld your fists
To mend with nature's nurture, and become her future
And rest assured that you're nature's kiss.

Guess last night got a little intense
All part of your orchestrated pretense
Hence the midnight foreplay, or was everything you said just hearsay
Were we ******* in your room or were those just rumors
Maybe I was just high
That's why I had such a hard time seeing through your lies
Getting caught up in between your thighs
Guess I missed all the morse code hidden in your sighs
Best friends? Goodbye.

Garland hair, garland noose
Day dream, catcher of faith
Where are you looking when your eyes are everywhere?

Disconnect, in cinematic discontent
Fill up the fever moon
With your widened gaze
Where you draw your lines
With your starlet guise
Where you break free of your ties

Take me there, take me there
Platonic figurine, you are my shrine
My faith artillery
Take me there, where its floral
I am to be choked by your noose
The pews are full, the church foyers echo
With passing lights, glow through the corridor
So radiant I could never oblige

Take me there, where its floral
You're so radiant I could never oblige
You are not to be my bride
I will watch you from a distance
I am choked by you
I will hang in your shadow
I cannot say words, I cannot breath in the dark

Call it a catch-22, cause I've caught catharsis, and my conch shell has run out of clues
I've been eating away the cost of everything I pick and choose
Why is the coast so blurry, every time I'm taking my midday cruise
Trying to metabolize my surroundings, but all the people around me are just empty calories, even the closest few

They're all cheap, cheeky, circuited *****
That's why I've trained myself to be calloused, bruised, collected, and blunt
But you cannot make yourself all that you want to become
You can only intend, to spend, your chronic currency to coherence
I burn my pockets so I don't have to carry your candle
I'd rather be illuminescently bent, then hiding my head beneath a tent
With your boyscout projects, and afro-engineered beligerence
But I will be your calm cashier, I will take your money if you need to conquer your fears
And I do concur, slur your slew of words, I know you're just holding back the real tears
Beneath that cartoon cardigan and cyan crew
You're the carpenter, you didn't have to just paint every part of your body in denial and blue

I know you are the way you are, you don't choose
Somewhere deep in my cynical carcass I know you don't have to choose
Sometimes it's not what you choose
But sometimes it's who

Look deep in the culture of narcissism
You cocky carpenter, you have more purpose then simple cytogeny
Cut into your carcass and pull out something new

I don't know where I am, and I don't know where I'm going. I know barely anything about quantum fluctuations but I am obsessed with them. I am feeble minded as I tend to focus on all the wrong things at all the wrong times. I try to be honest to myself yet I always come short. In lying I find bliss I think, or maybe I just don't want to admit who I am.

One day I'd like to be a writer, although I feel sometimes I'm too self critical of my own work to even get a page in without scrapping everything. I'm trying to find drive, but it's hard when all I want to think about is hopeless romantics. I guess love is the ultimatum, and I'm not sure what it is or if it's even out there. I try not to try and find it, so that it may find me, but at the same time I try not to abide by systematic structures of thinking for thinking.

I have an awful tendency of using metaphors and letting my readers know what was intended by them rather than having the reader come up with it in their own head.

I'm in a constant battle with cynicism as I try to see the best in people, but some don't let me see that.  I think there is greatness in everyone but that for most it is dormant, especially inside of me.  I cannot ask the universe to trigger that greatness inside of me, so in a lot of ways I feel I am waiting for that.  However I do not want to spend my entire life waiting, or I will never be able to look back in the end and see all of the things that resulted in doing.

I'm not sure what I believe about death, and I don't think anybody else really is either.  I don't think that any one person can really know a thing, but I do believe in hunches.  I think uncertainty makes the universe beautiful. I feel that's the dark matter of the human emotion.  Without the weight of certain emotions we can not define anything, and with it we still cannot.  It's all feeling.

I try to stray away from culturally defined things and into a world of ideas.  It is hard to avoid suffering in this way, for if knowledge is unobtainable, then why continue to seek it? Because of this I try not to become attached, but it is hard to do that with the tendencies of human emotion.

Regardless of how much I think on my free time I seem to have lost the ability to do that around others in the public space as I'm always too aware of the people around me.  I wish that I could rid myself of my anxiety, but sometimes the common person is enough of a ***** to make sweat roll down my temples.

I feel there are many sides of me, sides I love, and sides I do not necessarily favor.  However they're all parts of me, and I feel that if I did not have one without the other I would not be able to experience the great things about myself.  I bounce back and forth between these things, and some people trigger the best sides of me, some trigger the worst.  That's why I'm constantly searching for a chemistry that does indeed complete me, so that I can be a me that I love for the rest of my days.  I fear that's why I'm a hopeless romantic.  A hopeful hopeless romantic.

I believe in chemical inevitability.  That at one point the universe was set into motion by a force whether it be something we cannot perceive like a god or something that we can grasp like the sciences, and that every little chemical, every atom was destined to collide in such a way for the rest of eternity.  So whether you think you make your own decision about things or not, they were already decided long ago.  Every chemical in your brain that makes up every thought that you have is there because of something that was set into motion eons ago.  We are intrinsically connected to everything around us, for the thoughts that every little thing gives us, and the actions that create who we are and drive us to be.

I'm trying to find a way to be without thinking, but I suppose that will take a lot of work.. A lot of work.  And I think that would be beautiful, but there is no way to do something by delaying it, but my attention span is short and my anxiety can impede progress more than one could ever imagine.

Everyone goes through things that are hard in their life, whether it be relative to them and only them, I think that having a human conscience is enough to drive anybody into deep depression.  I think that's why Plato always said to 'be kind to everyone you meet, for everyone is fighting a hard battle.' I think that to the human race though it seems that these things are largely unspeakable. There's a social barrier surrounding how people speak of their existentiality, their doubts, their regrets, and the un finite paramount of life.  And I believe that that's why we have become to some extent, a helplessly miserable species.

I decided that I could give you a biography, or I could show you who I am.

I decided the latter.

My name is Zachary Simon, I'm 20 years of age and currently reside in Morgantown, West Virginia. Please, ask me anything.

It's the most painful thing
To think you love someone
And not really know
Cause the distance is feign
And my face droops from the pain

Oh we're not so old
But we're growing older everyday
And that's why miles are turning into minutes
Every day it takes me to get to you
To make you feel again, alive

All I want, is to find comfort in those caffeine eyes
And relieve the pain hidden behind
Rest your head on my chest
And let my heart sing a lullibi

I just want to know who's heart is going to win this race
Because I don't know if I can pace myself now
I cross my fingers we tie, and cross the finish line
With fingers locked
Cause I'd hate to finish holding my own
But if that's how it's gotta be,
Then so be it

Oh we're not so old
But we're growing older everyday
And that's why miles are turning into minutes
Every day it takes me to get to you
To make you feel again, alive
To look into those caffeine eyes

My eyes are prisms
Refracting your light
So magnificent
My brains a factory
I can turn you into
Something colorful
Something proficient
Melancholy and omniscient
Speak to the God inside of me
You're my serpentine lover
Show me your lips
Let me manipulate
Gather your things
I'm off to dreamland
I will remember you
I will turn you into concentrate
Focus your light
Into something brighter
Than a soul
A neuron star inside of me
That way I don't have to die alone
We'll shoot off into the cosmos
You and I, just a couple of super novi
Just you see

All of you post modern girls
Flapping your wings, trying to get some kind of response out of me
You think you'll always get what you want
With your pigeon superstition
You want all the rings and shiny things
It's in your nature
And I wanna give you it all, it's in my nurture

I saw you curl up in your fettered feathers the other day
When the shadows of my figure on the floor resembled a hawk
You were so adorable, big eyed there, while you sawked
I ran my hands beneath your wings and you told me how safe it made you feel when I would talk

I saw you grow as your wingspan could finally reach around my waist
And you became brave and you faced the hawk
And taught him how to be a man
You taught him posture, you taught him how to stand
You got your ring, and all the other shiny things
And when I kissed you among that alter for everyone to see
You looked up and said, the only shiny thing you ever really wanted was me.

Mom, dad, you were really good at pretending you were
I thought that we were cookie cutter family before I knew what I know about you now
I never really thought I had any kind of issues with you
Never really thought I'd ever have any kind of issues to conceal under this house
I feel like I can see your true colors now, but sometimes I think they're colors I could never comprehend, it all just makes me want to leave town

I know you've done a lot for me dad, you care, you really do, but you're losing control of your own emotions
I can't even talk to you, and I wish all the phone calls weren't awkward, and I know I'll have to call you today too, and act like everything isn't already eroding
How can I keep my cool after all the bad news
It's hard to follow in your steps, when you don't even have shoes
I'd like to say the things you said would just leave a bruise
But they left a scar, and no matter what you do you're still going to lose

If you ever go back you'll see things aren't the same, and everything that happens is just chemical, so no matter what happens it's meant to be, but you never even tried to make the best of it here, you never accepted that destiny before your feet
You can say you had your life ripped away from you, but you think it was easy for me?
When we got here I was abused, for the first couple years I didn't have any real friends, and was socially abused
I'm kind of glad that happened though, because I'm happy with who I am, and I think that all that ******* was worth something too
You have to take everything that happens and make it the best you can, if you don't try that Dad, then what's your plan
Please, I'd like to know, what cards have you got in your hand?
You're not even playing the game, I suppose 'you're not a fan'

You can blame anybody you want to for your life, but you make your own decisions in the end
And even though you might have made the right one, it wasn't the best one for you and your end's
All it was, was making end's meet, never enjoying life, all you ever did was take a seat
Watch all my year's fly by with a breeze
You can't make up for that, and I'm going to make sure I don't make the same mistake
If I died trying to be happy, then so be it, it was meant to be
I will never make the same mistake, the biggest lesson you ever taught me was unintentional
Everything just taught me how to see things you could never see

What's going on with me
What's this body
What's this head
Old personality's dead
Got stuck up in being you
And now were through
What's going on with you
What is this anyways

There's reflections of coffins
In your eyes
The medallion you wear reminds me
of the wolf in your heart
Grizzly with passion
Will push anything aside
That beautiful anger you've bred

I breathe you in
But you're an airborne pathogen
I take you in under my skin
It's the only way I could let you in
You may be no good for me
But that's something I don't talk about
It belongs to a list of things I don't want to see

You're an Idol to me
You make me bend at the knees
The most beautiful of chemistries

All the old folks
Spricking and spracking
Over there coffee, so thick and bold
Talking about all the small business' roles
Disbanded their diner, for that cheap coffee over at 'ol McDonald's home

I walk somewhere like my feet are reaching a conclusion
But I meet the next line of my life with intrusion
Wish I could tell you there'll be a happy ending
The story is to be continued, the ending is pending unto
but right now I've got writers block, and I can't think of anyway
To turn the page without you
Just,
Paint your feet green, and I will paint mine blue
Everywhere we walk will be beautiful
and when my paint runs dry
Don't stop walking, don't cry
Just be happy we painted a picture together
and bring it everywhere with you

My forearms are sore
From pretending to grip hands that aren't there
And my head has become torn from all the eyes
That just stare

I remember those eyes were the reason I used to grow my hair long
So I could wear my blonde reflection as a safety blanket
And maybe no one would bother to ask how I was when that's exactly what I wanted
But that was a long time ago, and nothing's changed, and all these eyes are still quite haunting
But you didn't have to go out of your way to tell me that it's okay
Because I love you too much, and your words are too positive
And my negative little head is gravitating to you like a magnet
No matter how you may change me, my thoughts are still stagnant

Your computer eyes, can calculate me like I'm as simple as an algebraic equation
It makes me hate you when you can fix me and cure me of every abrasion
Why couldn't I be that strong by myself, why couldn't I take it
When you leave who's going to cover the scar you left
I'm no longer young like I used to be, I don't have that safety blanket
I'm just wearing you, and I'm wearing you down

Good thing it's getting colder cause I can't tell the difference in my heart
But inside of me somewhere my tears are running a watermill
And that's the only thing that keeps me going
That's the only thing that keeps me up late at night

An hour of sleep per day, that's 3
I'm not asking for help, but please
I'm starting to see shadows and I can't tell if it's you
Can't tell if I'm even capable of seeing your hue
Somewhere on a scale of TV gray and simple blue
Gonna need more than shapes, going to need more than a clue

Heavy eyes drag me down
The only thing getting me through are the sounds
They were yours isn't that funny
The lack of Sun today is surprising
Meets my mood in a world where my mind is always running

Heavy eyes drag me down
But ******* trees will set me free
Nothing like the caffeine I get when I look at your face
Nothing like the feeling in my stomach after I finish that case
Momma always told me slow and steady, learn to pace
Sorry ma, her words were laced
And when she kissed me I fell **** faced

Where's the evidence
Help me find the fire
Erase my temper
Exhale the liar

Silence this highway
My ears are bleeding
Can't get anywhere on foot when everybody's driving a car
I'll never get anywhere, all this relativity is way too far

It was better when you never wrote me letters
God's sitting on clouds and chuckling under his breath
Saying isn't it funny how you need her now and she's the one you had to let go, you had to let go because you weren't any better

I'm on my knees, I'm not asking for help, but please
Where's the evidence
Help me find the fire
Erase my temper
Exhale the liar

I saw a tight rope act where the gymnast was afraid of her own confidence
And she wobbled and then sustained
And she knew from then on that confidence is just a masquerade for pain
I wish I could see her face but her mask hid more than her circus name

And there her hands were, her frame, calling me forward
I told her "I'm not a gymnast," and she grabbed me
I looked beneath me, and I found the floor
She said "Neither am I."

Where has my mind gone to
Killing time in your room
Reading your books and the notes you left too
Looking into your eyes and finding truth
Getting lost in the cosmos with you
Crossing legs, crossing arms, I wish I could convince you
But I'm just here with my fingers crossed instead
Listening to some stupid playlist you gave me, and it means more to me than the rest of this stupid world

I wish the big crunch theory was never disproved
Because I want to be unmade
I want to see myself going backwards
So my mistakes can be undone

Not so sure I want to be born again
Cause I'm sure I'll just waste all my dopamine
On pointless highs and someone I'd be coping on
Cause this human condition is something to cope with
Because hope doesn't exist it just works when you believe in it
And my mechanisms are missing gears
What do you do when the engineer is broken
So don't try and prune, just remove my stem

I'm the lonely astronaut
Because we're all just neurons in the mind of god
And I have no synapse friends
**** time, if I'm dead that's something I can break and bend
If I had more time, this broken repairman could mend

Stapled in blue light harmony, I abuse my silence, thinking in a way that could be construed as past tense
Slaved to my sand castles that were taken by waves
I'm a kid on the beach giving way to tourists' enclaves


Seaworthy and daft I **** my own gun, a habit I tell you is nothing but fun
I smoke myself to death on this boat that lies rest to my wake
Waves I've created I tell myself I'm obligated to break


I promise the hinges of my door are stressed for holidays sake, and everybody's got a piece of advice that they need to take
It's always as transparent as wishing on a birthday cake


There is no salvation in my morning slumber, whether I hear birds chirp or horizon rise
Car sounds are just as good of an alibi
As childhood dreams are for validating highs

I want to know what you think about late at night
Are you like me do you take every idea and dissect it till it's out of sight?
Wonder why your brain is constantly at war with itself
Take every little idea , read it and put it back on the shelf
Or is it feeble, simpleminded, a burnt out light?
Why can't I read you, you're bound shut
Why can't I tell if you're worth the trouble or am I just stuck in a rut
I want to tell you how I feel, but if it didn't work out  that would ruin all our little dish room inside jokes about Key and Peele
How am I supposed to bottle things up when I can't find the seal
Why do I spend all my tired nights up writing about you
I don't know who you are, I don't know how to feel

Stuck somewhere between Sunday and infinity
In purple tabloids that make life seem bland
I harden my carapace to a sick world
I conjure a future, hopeless
When the hand of God is still tied behind his throne

Cast iron April skies **** my insides
And this town's scars have never looked worse
These thoughts are too expensive
At the bottom of a bottle, and the ashes I flick
I hope to be born again a Phoenix
But the coping is just a trick
Distractions are a fix, nothing ever gets fixed

And I was having this conversation with myself last week
And next
But it's hard to talk yourself down, when yourself gets the best of you and perpetuates this mess
I am sticks and stones, no use for bones, when your words mean nothing, and you find yourself alone

Why is it that when I'm so unsure, I gotta be sure
Because hypothetically if I were, you'd get the hell outta here

Darling, I'm not trying to live in fear, but love is a scary thing
Especially when you've got thoughts like you might just someday stop breathing

If there's some kind of divine plan, tell me God didn't plan my obsolescence
If there's such a great man, tell me where is his presence

I can't expect a promise to unfold the way I want it to, if you're meant to be
If every decision you make is on part of your happiness

Not everything I was taught as a child was intentional
That life is so hypocritical
That our purpose is entirely self critical
That love and god are illusions of what we want and need, and yet we continue to act like everything we do is so unconditional                                        

But we will continue to sieze
But we will continue to lie
But we will continue to deal in the trades that make us feel the most at ease
But we will always draw the God card just shy

It's really hard not to talk to her when I can't sleep.

I'm always fine during the day. Usually I can distract myself then. But as soon as my mind's empty. It's the first thing. I try to think of the horrible things she did to me, but it doesn't make me feel any better. It doesn't make me miss her less.

It just makes me want to live forever in those good moments we shared. Indefinite bliss. The things that kept me hanging on, when I should've let go.

The smile, the way her nose pinched. The way she liked certain things just the way I did, and for the same reasons. The roller coaster rides. The times she would open up to me and let me in. Her soft skin, her messy hair, the way she looked when she woke up, and when she was asleep. Her small hands, her defined back, the way she would lean into me when she was sad. I liked the way she wore my t shirts, and when she would lend me her eyes. I just don't know if I was the exception, or if I'm just another guy.

Should I care? Probably not. Not now. Not after everything that happened, but I do, and I know that I will. No matter how big that demon is inside me, the love that I hold will always be stronger. It feels like there's a holy war inside of me, and I don't know whose side to take. I'd like to believe that light prevails, but does that mean it is my fault when love fails?

Why is that I feel at home in tragedy
Is time, dark, and silence the only formula for sleep
Is there something I'm missing, how much deeper do I have to dig
Another sleepless song trailing between my ears
Making me feel things I don't
Or what I myself hide beneath

It's 5 hours and 45 minutes till I'm on the other side of today
What it will hold may hold hapiness or dismay
Out of control of everthing, letting the birds play the songs they want to play
But when winter comes they will move south of hearsay
They won't sing on a day that I feel torn and gray

It's all in my head, it's all in my head
I know that I am okay
But when I'm alone, songs speak to me of dead friends and post days

Every moment with you is so beautiful
Why don't you see it, how perfect we could be together?
Friends don't say the things we say to each other
But you keep telling yourself that I'm more of a brother
I've always stood back I've never smothered, why is it I feel like sometimes I'm just another?

What's it take a girl to love a man?
Should I have pushed you over the edge of just friends tonight
Should I have been bold, to tell you how you make me feel
Would it have made a difference to tell you how my faint heart beat grows strong when you're in the room
While I lay on my bed and you lay on the floor
my heart shakes the bed
It ripples the waves when you're at sea and I'm stuck on shore
You're the only girl I want more than to score

Movies, games, music, ***
I'm sweating in my head
I'm a demon and you're my crucifix
I'm the jasper in your clique
I'm just your lullaby, I can put you to sleep but I can't cure you if you're sick
I'm not Jesus, I'm not God, but I'm yours

I take you every night before I close my eyes
My desperate medicine
And alone I'll break bread till this hangover subsides
You'll be in my head while I take this cold shower that I know won't do a thing
You're a crypt keeper darling, you're my little pretend lover
I don't want to sleep until you're under my covers
You're the only one who can save me from you, and I don't want you to

What's going on behind those seizuring eyes
Did you swallow the pill, I can't find you inside my head
Watch your face change shape under the influence
Under rapid eyes that dart behind blinding seas of white

Shadows contour through colors I've never seen before
It's my world and I can't even find you
Your face is hidden behind a mask you wear in this 4th dimension
Where shapes convex your face into hexagon sugarlaced cinematics

I'm tripping right through the fractions of my life, my destination is infinity
I'm nil and nil, trying to find the love you saved for me in the games we play
My bicycles got 7 wheels and I'm only getting more lost in myself
Till I found seven men in seven trees and listened to the most romantic thing I've ever seen
And my ears saw the things I had forgotten and my heart found you for me
I was looking for you in my mind I never figured I could find you in my heart

Why do I lose sleep when I think of you
Makes me wonder what dreaming is
Because you're a happy thought behind my shaky complexion
Caffeine eyes that look like coffee stains
And the pain beneath them resides
I think you could change the tides
I couldn't tell you when I live my entire life in hindsight

Am I falling for you or is my body addicted to your pheromones
Is it the thought of clashing bones, with bones
Or is it the harp inside my mind that your voice harmonizes and hones
Am I falling for you or am I feeling alone

I'm a love **** and I'm stuck on your drugs
I've caught your bug, and the only vaccine is the thing inside you that pumps blood
I guess we'll see tomorrow, but the waiting is killing me
I'm ready to start thinking about the future

Contoured, oblique, I'm a freak
What is it you seek, secret terrorist, anymore than the least?
You know all my skeletons, you know my ******
Don't play doppelganger on my checkered personality
Finding me under the smoke Inbetween cheap cigars
Prowling in between all the bottles, all those empty clanking sounds
Smoking out till my lungs expand and breath in some new air
Crowded in the foundation of how I think, that's when you were supposed to come along
But if I asked for it, the originality would melt away in the fragile density of a throng
          
I told you Red, the songs are not enough
You need another love in life
An S.O.S. - a significant others song to make your melody complete

And I told you Black, you've got great advice, but when are you going to intervene?
I said I'm ready for you Black,
Why are you always hiding in the dark?

I said, I said Red you'll never stop bleeding, I can't help you with that
You'll always be crass, it's part of you, Red
You're the brass chassis and I'm what holds true within, you're always gonna rust, but you'll never change the way you care, love, and trust

We're blood, Red, reputation precedes our feet
Everything's already happened
Why do we care
Here Zac, just take a seat

Why do you do this to me?

You're a woman now
It's the tone of your voice
You don't need me now
It's no matter of choice
You know what's the best
And I do too

Your face is mared with the words you actually feel,
But your words reach just short of the faith inside your heels
You keep on reaching, keep on reaching, for the things you don't know how to feel
                    
You're a letter opener with a dull end
You're the face of stars hiding inside your head
You're everything you've hidden under your bed
You're  an oasis and you're running dry

Just stop trying,  be who you are, without a care, be the girl with the curly brown hair

You've got your hair in a mat
And your shower is some distant planet
You said so many times you were going to do that, that, and that
When you were in over your ego, like a ***** little aristocrat
You scratch paint chips off the walls, and you can't put them back

You'd never take a life, not even your own
Although you feel it's not worth it anymore
You're looking for some way out, but death's a corner shaped door
Nothing looks fair in life if we're keeping score

So you watched the kids the other day
Rolling die, and making moves, it's just a play
But you're just a pin stuck in your haystack mind
And your personalities are the only friends you've made in the past 365 nights
All your hope is lost in your heart under that dim light

I know how you feel, when you say that death is a corner shaped door
And you want it to take you in the night
Or in a mishap like a car crash or a messy bar fight
But sometimes your head gets ahead of your sight
Sometimes you just have to endure until it's alright

It's only cables that tie me to you now
Everytime I try to contact you I get shocked
My phone sits there on the coffee table, but it mys as well be my noose
Every text message I sent was just time spent induced
The idea of being with you is so abstract light bends obtuse

But we tried government and it became to powerful
Our markets were privatized and our thoughts of trade were never exchanged
Oland our military minds built thought tanks from broken memories

I remember those October clouds were like the fog of war
When the sky ripped open and tore the ozone
The conflict was swift but it would take time to repair it
You won the battle though, and your sovereignty became apparent

And here I am with this telephone just calling in air strikes
Missing every time
Because you don't care

Always tried to live by "don't let your worries ruin your days"
Becomes quite the task when your worries are your days
And you're stuck in between conversation in a hungover afternoon haze
Can't ever get anything out with your constant interruptions
You couldn't ever know what I want
Because all you want to do is talk about you, flaunt, flaunt

Constant conversation, you mys as well mark that down in your monolog
The only one I can talk to is myself
Makes for some interesting morning jogs

Sorry about the hate mail but it's the only way I could get a message across to you

Miss my dorm room for once, everything before I met you
It's better to think about how lovely love is than to fall in it

Your bar nights, your ****** sleeves
She's a massichist in her own thoughts
Apparently that's what everyone's bought

Inbetween her mascara, her eyes are like beads
Like little planets, pulling me into her every plead
But I can't get close enough to read
I'm stuck in her orbit
I'm constantly following the way she leads

Just a couple more drinks
Let the radio play, maybe the right song 'n she'll dance
Maybe, maybe, I'll think

I feel the strangest gravity
Girl, I don't even know you
But you got a pull like no other
You make me feel like a creep

It's that song, that particular feeling
You see, you felt, but you can't anymore
It's that smile, that dance that you remembered
But you can't anymore
It's that strange gravity

All the happy songs are just making me sadder these days
Cause somewhere down inside of me
Something way too deep, and out of sight
Needs to be pulled out
And I'm getting a stronger feeling everyday
That I can't do that alone
So darling won't you throw me a bone
Didn't ever want it to come down to dog fetch

And all these feelings come to me quite random
Cause I'm not the pilot of my mind
But I can hear him and he's going down
Mayday I can hear him breaking sound

And I'm feeling like I'm gonna die someday,
Soon
And I'm feeling like a fool
When I see you walking by and I let you go
I don't even know who you are
But you are a euphemism for me
Because pessimism isn't just in my head

This isn't a drill
The bomb is real
And I've been tucking my head in between my knees
This isn't a drill, I need
You

The midnight voice that sings me to sleep
I hear is often accompanied by coffee stained eyes
Her nights end with a mug full of water and a sleepless tongue broken with sighs

She rattles at my door in the wee hours of the night, and I talk to her quiet till I don't hear a peep
She becomes the shepherd and I the sheep, as I jump over fences to get her to sleep

She wakes up every day with her nights forgotten and her days brand new
What she doesn't remember is out of the corner of her mouth slipped "I love you"

I'm not even sure that I can be fixed anymore.