As I watched my mother get beat,  as a child,  I was convinced that if I were to call the cops something bad would happen.
I have watched my father slam my mother in a car door.
I have watched as my father threw pans at my mother.
I have seen my mother walk out covered in bruises.
I have seen my father break a printer with my mother's head.

I remember running to my room crying and covering my head with a pillow. Hearing him curse at her calling her every bad name he could think of. My brother and I would blare the radio and still hear screams of my mother,  as she was beaten.

We were young when it started out; I don't remember a period of time when it was not happening.

My mother tried to leave him time and time again. My brother and I begged of her. Just leave him, we would cry.

She was with him 18 years. She was put through Hell for 18 long years.

Peoples first assumption is why didn't she leave, why didn't she stay away. This was a question that,  even to me,  was hard to see; I just recently was able to understand and see what was wrong with this picture.

She was beat physically but she was abused emotionally as well. People only tend to see what they can literally see and forget what is laying behind the bruises. Day after day she was degraded, called names, told she was worthless. She began to belive it. It was now in her head that she was worthless and no one would love her. No one would put up with her, she was a *******; or so she thought.

Taking the courage to leave that is a lot, she was mentally unfit for certain jobs and her health began to decrease. She was a woman who felt that she could not succeed or provide for her children without my father, or another man.

Leaving my father for the last time was the hardest thing that I believe she had to do. She wasn't just leaving anyone. It was the father to her children, the man she has relied on for 18 years, the man that had her believing she was worthless. He done everything except brainwashing to get her to stay.

Also, my father is kind sweet and caring to everyone outside of our family. Even to our family he was nice but he had times were things of this nature,  behind closed doors, would happen.
My immediate family was not the only ones who knew he beat my mom. Everyone on my fathers side of the family knew. They always made excuses or turned their heads. Some people on my moms side had questioned it but she always made excuses because she thought that she loved him.

Domestic violence is nothing to joke about. Everyone should know the signs and report anything suspicious. There are a few things to know. The person being abused has to want help to get out. The cops and social workers can not do anything unless the abused come forward when approached about it. The exception to that is when there is kids involved, like in my situation.

Domestic abuse hotlines:
1-800-799-7233 | 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

Not sure if it's abuse?:
http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/

You are too ******* yourself for your past. You need to look at what you have now and your future.

I may have not had the best child hood but you are doing your best to make up for "lost" time.

I apologize for watching as my father beat you, and not calling the cops. I'm sorry that all I did is run away, hide in the room, and cry. I remember countless times of him hitting you, pushing you around, and calling you every name except for the one he should be calling you by.
I remember him slamming your legs in the door. I remember you hiding bruises and making up excuses for him. You where bound by drugs and "love" that you couldn't wrap your head around to walk away.

I watched countless times as you tried to walk away, but walking away is not that simple. Every time he seemed to find his way back. I remember as we  begged you to leave him time and time again.

I now realize that he degraded you so much that you felt worthless that you felt you had fallen down to his level. That he was the only person you felt that could love and support you the way you were.

After years of him destroying your self esteem I know how hard it was for you. When you finally left him. I was gone to Florida, and when I got back I was told what happen. I remember a elephant being lifted off my shoulders, I could once again breathe. Hoping that this time was for good.

That year we bounced around from place to place more times than I can remember, once living in a camper. I didn't care where we stayed; I knew it was better than what we have been in. You struggled to keep me a place to sleep you cared for me and loved me.

On my 15th birthday you were checked into rehab for the last time. You struggled to stay in there your whole time even with every one there supporting you. I remember coming to visit you and your personal changing. You where happier, you where learning to respect yourself, and trying to love yourself again.

I know that when you got clean you felt as if I was pushing you away but I was not meaning to. I was trying to adjust, I am still adjusting. This was all new for me. I apologize for not being able to adjust quicker, to forgive faster, and love stronger. You are my mother I will always love you. If it wasn't for you I would not be where I'm at today. Thank you, mommy.

I could not be more proud of who you are today. I want you to forgive yourself from your past. I want you to love yourself like you never have before. You are strong and you can do anything you put your mind to. You have went through some of the worst things on this earth, and survived.

The only thing I want to happen for you now is to get baptized at your church.

When I was younger we moved from place to place. I remember,  even from a young age,  worrying about where we would lay our heads after we left this place. I remember yall being at home a lot but not being around us. I remember you both going into rooms with people,  that I met for the first time,  and you all spending hours together with a locked door. Sometimes afterwards, I remember staying up late doing crafts and playing games until the clock hit 3am. I remember being able to do pretty much anything I wanted to do. I remember waking up crying and finding comfort that you both where still awake. I remember the house smelling bad. I remember you telling me to lie to social workers about things. Like if there was powders in my house or if I have smelt any bad smells or even about how yall act.

It wasn't until I started getting older that I realized that you both were on drugs. I started to realize that the reason you both where at home is because you did not have a job. I realized that is why we had to move so many times. I realized that you went to your room to hide the drugs from us. We knew they were bad. I realized the new friends that mommy and daddy made were not friends at all but drug dealers and inhibitors.

It took even longer for me to realize that pain pills and maraujana were not the only drugs you where doing. I began to pay attention in class when they spoke to us about drugs. I knew that both of your reactions didn't add up. One day I found a **** pipe wrapped up and hidden in plain sight. I can still feel the anger that rolled out of me that day. I remember wanting to bash it across the wall and walk out. I knew that I'd get hurt by dad if I did that. I walked away and left it.

That's when I realized that the reason you where still up when I woke up from bad dreams is because you could not go to sleep. That when you wanted me to lie about any white substances that is why.

I am not angry at either of you. I am thankful. I have pushed myself. I will continue to push myself. Not only for myself but for my future family.

And mom I am proud of how far you have come in the last 5 years.