We grew up sad kids
learning lonely like the back of our hands
getting used to the idea that loneliness
was normal. It was ok.
It crept into our bones so much so that
in a crowded room the chatter was drowned
out by sound of your beating heart
loneliness became less about the physical lack
of people around you and more about
Isolation.
For a second that seemed to never end all humanity
left you. And now you were not one of them
you were different.
But tonight lets put loneliness away
just you and me
let us, for once, feel like we aren’t so different
lets feel like the sun in the sky??
well, god made it for us.
Just you and me.
For tonight, even if just for tonight
lets not feel “alone”
For tonight, lonely hearts beat loudest in tandem.

Why the **** should I forgive you?

Why should i give you space to breathe when you

yourself gave me nothing but a heart black and blue

wrists cut to ribbons and a complex that says i’ll never

ever, be good enough.

for anyone

I want to hear you scream at the top of your lungs

Im sorry

It isn’t your fault but i find you the most convenient

one to blame. You did nothing but live and breathe

but you whispered hope into my ears

and I guess that was my fault for attempting

to decipher what was plain and simple

Im sorry

but  I need to hear you say it

I need to hear you swear it like you mean it

Im sorry

The day is winding down, 5:49pm. He sits in a room full of people, alone. Music blasting in his ears to numbs his head, keeping away from people is this easy. Her words still ring in his head.

“Go **** up somewhere else”

Reminds him of watching his family time as a kid. Family time where mom cried, dad screamed, and this little runt crept under the blankets reciting to himself “Blankets keep the monsters away”

“Leave us the **** alone”

His head was beating now, it hurt so much. He couldn’t shake the constant THUMP THUMP THUMP in his head. He thought how maybe his head would explode and it’d be all ok after that.

“Do you want to ruin every one of my ******* relationships”

He didn’t understand why anyone would be like this. He was broken everywhere and he was surprised there was something left inside him to break, maybe thats why the thumping in his head grew stronger.

“I can’t believe you lied to me to my face”

They echo in his mind. He meant every word to her. He told her how he felt and sure he made mistakes but his heart was sincere. He didn’t lie

He looks around. So many people laughing and smiling and cheering. How the **** could they be so happy, don’t they understand whats happening. This man is at the edge of his sanity and people are laughing, being happy all around him. Can’t they see shards of broken glass in his eyes? Either the rest of the world is oblivious or they just dont care. Both equally terrifying.

He waits another second, closes his eyes, and shouts. When he opens his eyes all he sees is black. Dark. He blinks and stutters until he shakes the dark off and he sees everyone doing exactly the same thing they were doing.

He packs up, swallows the words, feelings, screams building up in his throat and leaves.

It used to come like breathing
breathing
Simple, straightforward.
now its different, you make it
different.
Clear and unclear. I cant tell.
Wanted or unwanted
You don't if you want me to
leave or stay
I want to stay.

I actually stopped chewing charcoal
stopped spitting dark words
stopped so you wouldn't have to
cover your face whenever I said
"hello"
Im back now, not that great
but good enough. You could
do much better. But I hope you'll
Stay. Hello.

Reunions are great.

Catching up with old friends and family.

After months or even years apart, that first meeting is sheer bliss.

But with you, every meeting is a reunion.

Every second air fills the space between our finger tips
Every second our sweaty, caloused hands are apart time slows down.

Slow enough to make seconds feel like days, days feel like weeks, weeks feel like months and years..... I'd rather not think about it.

I just want to tell you that when Im with you, time feels right.

Not too fast. Not too slow.

Just right.

There is no clean slate

You cannot restart the game

Only continue.

Baby, you're like the moon to me

you bathe me in your resplendent

silvery light.

You give me rest.

You give me peace.

But baby, do you stir the oceans inside me

i don't think
you realise just
how much you've done
to change me
break me
because even now that
you're gone
I can't help but feel you
everywhere

we were at the park
at 2am
we snuck over the gate
and I swear I've never
felt so free in my life.
leaning against a tree
you kissed me for the first time,
you traced my hair down to my
waist
and told me you loved it
more when it was short
because then I wouldn't hide
behind it
away from your eyes

one night when we
drank so much we couldn't
walk
you told me how you
didn't like seeing me destroy myself
but you admitted that you
loved the taste of *****
when you kissed me
(and the colour of my lips after you did too)


you carved our initials
into the tree we had
our first kiss against
and although I laughed,
telling you how cheesy you
were being
I never admitted how much
I loved it

I remember how much you
loved art
you were always
using the colour purple
you said it made
everything beautiful,
it made everything look like art

but now you're gone
and I've cut my hair shorter
now
just how you loved it
and I drown myself in *****
hoping you'll come and kiss me.
I've bought 20 lipsticks
to try and match the colour you
made mine when we kissed.

they cut the tree down.
and now there's blood
all over the floor
and my hands are shaking.
I've been trying to carve those
initials you made, into my skin
I need to keep us alive somehow
but ****
I can't get your writing right
and I'm starting to feel faint

I start punching the mirror
and bruises are forming
my skin is turning blue, green, purple
...
purple.
I keep punching the walls - purple.

I start punching myself
hoping to cover my skin in bruises
because then maybe I'll look
beautiful to you again.

like art.