i can't wait
to raise dogs with you

i convinced myself
that you're the one i need when
i needed love more

tight spaces
make me dizzy
tight spaces
with many people
will make me die

trains are okay
trains with lots of people
give me panic attacks more times than not
the fact
that i'm trapped
in a moving vehecle
with no means of getting down
until the next stop
which probably isn't my stop anyway
just *****

tight spaces
make me dizzy
but when you hug me tight
it's quite the opposite
it's like i want to live
in the small space between your hands and your chest
in a train full of people
i don't mind feeling the heat your body emits
amongts a hundred other people's which i don't particularly care for

you make the me dizzy
but the kind of dizzy
that makes me feel good
and safe
i don't like tight spaces
but i don't mind being in your room
about two of your wingspans in length
as long as you're right next to me
you make the panic attacks go away
please don't go away

so then all your flaws
connect like constellations in the sky
because "i love you"
will stay despite

gravity
its certainty is puzzling
the way it attracts something
towards its center

it holds me down
until i drown
in worlds where words
can't lift me up no longer

gravity is certain
but i'm a skeptic
so i stand here
where my feet don't adhere
to the ledge of the 25th floor

[i want to test it]

there will be time in your life
when nothing seems to work
when all the pain you can muster up in your wrists
will not be nearly enough to shoot endorphins through your veins

when you don’t know if the choking feeling in your throat
is because of the pills you downed in a heartbeat
or the recurring thought of “i’ll never be good enough”
of “maybe i should just **** myself”

when the sadness has drilled too big of a hole in your chest
that your nerves can’t seem to send your brain signals
that pain has flooded your entire system
shutting down not only your organs
but also your ability to move
to speak
to think

when your highs seem like mountains to climb
and your lows just another step forward
to fall into the neverending trance
of the sensation upon reaching the bottom

you just want everything to stop
you want your atriovencular valve to cease its motion
your aortic valve never to open again
to never close again
there will be no more isovolumic contraction nor relaxation
the beat at which your heart dances to keep you alive

you want it all to stop
maybe it will keep you from life’s ups and downs
you want a flat line
no rising action
no falling action
you want nothing
you want to be nothing
or you just want to be happy

but if there are no ups, no downs
no contactions
no relaxations
when your heart has flatlined
that means you’re dead
and no amount of epinephrine will bring you back

just take a shock to the system
please, whatever you do
don’t sign for a DNR
“do not resuscitate”
take a shock to the system
to remind you that being around
is actually pretty worth it
that pain
that suffering
they give beauty to life
they are the beauty of life
that you’re the beauty of someone else’s

you try to hide
you run away
from me
from my eyes as they wander
to study you

you hide your skin
tainted with long red streaks of pain
you rush to cover your limbs
that cried blood the night before

you hide your face
when i ask you what’s on your mind
“nothing” you say
barely flinching
barely giving any sign of disarray
but hiding your face nonetheless

you hide the words you assemble into works of art
the combination of 26 letters
that your give you comfort
release
until they run out of meaning

you hide and hide
in the vast sea of “nothing’s wrong”
of self-disillusionment
of barely coping
but i will come find you
to rearrange letters
until words finally have meaning

i’ll come find you
to break down your walls
one brick at a time

i’ll come find you
and kiss your scars
knowing full well that my lips won’t sooth the burn
the ache you feel in your heart

but i’ll do anything
i’ll do anything to find you

i don't believe in extremes
to follow the belief
that one has to be something
and not the other
is absolutely absurd
or at least somewhat absurd
because i don't believe in extremes

when you told me you loved me
every part of me
my twists and turns
and the sharp curbs of my dark alleys
where i keep the real monster
i scoffed
brushed it off
like the momentary dust
that, i believed, mimicked your sentiment

but when you came looking for me
when i was intoxicated
with something strange
not just alcohol
two hours before the sun started to rise
i looked at you and i swear
i swear
i had to catch myself
because i thought of something
only ***** gave my brain courage to think
i never would have thought this
before you

see, i never believe in extremes
well...
believed

time and time again
i will always love more than
i am loved by you

not roses nor tulips
not the smell of the wind rushing through your face
on the first day of spring
not the smell of newly cut grass
that fills your lungs with a new day

freshly squeezed orange juice
in the country side
not lemonade
even with the aid
of the scent a bright summer's day

not lazy sunday morning
when the rain would fall
and you'd scurry to the crook of your bed where you body fits
perfectly

not the earthy scent
of bonfires when the sun shys
from the twilight sky

not the afternoon walk you take
with all the time you have to yourself
you see a butterfly
it flutters
and you suddenly feel it in your stomach again

not even the scent of that four-letter-word in the air
can compare
and even above
all of that, i'm telling you
nothing smells better
than the person you love

thursdays are special
not because of some superstition or tradition
but because it's that one day of the week
our schedules allow us to meet
not in between classes like the rest of the other days
it's a day we have, more or less, to ourselves

on thursdays we go out to the restaurant
where strange things have happened
we watch a movie
may it be in theaters
or through the glass of your laptop screen
sometimes we just lie on your bed
until our heartbeats sing the other to sleep

i like thursdays
but i know you haven't been your best lately
like the whole world is swallowing you whole
and everything leads you to jump off the 25th floor
but please don't go
we still have adventures to go on
giants to conquer
movies to watch
strange moments to experience
we still have more thursdays together

love does not hurt us
it is the people we love
that hurt us the most

it's incredible
how i stopped wishing
that somehow
we'd get caught under a mistletoe

if seeing you naked
means seeing the scars you hide beneath your clothing
then i will kiss them
before i even lay my lips yours

i try to reach the depths
to venture down the darkness
that can only stretch as far as one's mind can comprehend
i cower to hide behind the annotation of words
but i find myself pushing up for air

i lack oxygen
skill
strength
my words lack cadence and cohesion
and whatever i can conjure up
to excuse my incompetence

i walk on the shoreline
and feel the sand between my toes
with my shallow eyes
i see the sunlight

i look at the sky
tiny dots amongst
nothing
blank space
outer space
the tiny dots appear to flicker
they exist as
only source of light
if the night bears no moon

i see distant heavenly bodies
burning hotter than a thousand campfires
a million matches
they burn blue
red
white
across the void of the galaxy
light traveling billions of miles away
in some predestined way to reach my retinas
i try to process the idea of exactly how much space
space needs to take
i can't comprehend the simple complexity of this universe
nor fathom the vastness of it
working like a preprogrammed machine
it bares little creatures in a water-filled planet
they have their own little worlds
their own little stories
separate from the narration
that keeps together the force of gravity

do not forget
that you were made by the same Being
who made the stars
the same One
Who crafted each gaseous heavenly body
each He knows by name

don't you realise that the fire inside of you
burns hotter than a thousand suns
a billion supernovas
you burn not only red, white, and blue
hues can't quite describe
the brilliance of your mind

i try to process
how much space
it would take for me not to feel your warmth
i can't comprehend your simple complexity
the constallations in your eyes
change every night
because each day
you're a new mystery
for me to fathom

do not forget
that you were made by the same Being
who made the stars
why wouldn't He make someone
just like them
someone who shines brightly
to cut through the darkness
why wouldn't He?
but ah
He already has
don't you ever forget
that He already has

i took seven sleeping pills last night
which is six more than what the label says but
four more than what i usually take
and i have come to a realization
that i used to sleep
not because of the pills
but because the space beside me
used to be occupied
by you

darling you are my sun

my whole system gravitates

towards you

and darling, i don't mind being set ablaze

my skin being scorched

by your open flame

sometimes
when i close my eyes
i see
nothing

first instincts
will last
even when you know it shouldn't
when you know you shouldn't
pick up your phone for verbose conversations
shouldn't call them "love" or "darling"
or anything in between
you hover your thumb above the send button
just to end up deleting your whole message history

first instincts are tricky things
because for a moment
you act as if things are the way you want them to be
then you realise that they aren't

they say people forget things
not because they wanted to
but because what they were supposed to remember
wasn't important to them in the first place

i guess this holds true
because it's not like you want
to forget something you have to remember

maybe one day i'll be unimportant too
just like the little things you were supposed to do for me
but forgot
because i suppose you had
more important things to attend to
i don't blame you

at first you will remember
then you will at the last moment
then you will strive hard to remember
after that, you won't even try at all
and then the next thing you know
you'll forget why you loved me

i used to be in love once
with someone
i thought only i
could love the way i did

i used to be in love
or at least what i thought love was
because i held her smile
with both of my arms spread wide
like my wrists were nailed
to the corners of her lips

whenever we said our goodbye's
i felt like a part of me
was taken away
and the hole that was left in my chest
was, as i convinced myself, one only she could fill again

i gave her everything
but i rubbed my eyes with salt
to mask the truth that she didn't care to do the same

i used to be in love once
with someone
i thought only i could love the way i did
but no matter how much i studied her
studied her every move
i never learned that to be in love
is not the same
as to just
love

because you never asked me
to be your saviour
i don't need to hold up your smile with my wrists
because yours would appear
whenever mine would light up your world

we'd say goodbye
and you'd carry a part of me
as i carry a part of you
and from then on
it became something we both shared
something
that encompasses any distance between us

i felt like i gave you nothing
but you tell me
that all you need
is me

they say i'm foolish
to rush a love like this
but i didn't seek it
the complete opposite rather
i pushed you away
and you pushed me away
but here we are

they say
you're not what i think you are
it may or may not be true
nevertheless, the response is
"shut the **** up. to hell with you"
because for once
i think this love is good for me

do you think of me
the way i think of you
when my eyes start to burn
and my body longs for the warmth of your arms

how comfortable are you
on top of the pedestal in my heart
it's like a part
of me
that has always been there from the start

do you feel the pulse
that dances to the sound of your name
have you grown accustomed
to the rhythmic pattern of I love you's
of dinners out and sleeping in

do you think of me
the way i think of you
because my eyes are starting to burn
and my body longs for the warmth of your arms
and i'm not so sure
you long for the warmth of mine

i think i've ran out
of second chances

you deserve someone
one who will let you feel free
you don't deserve me

i’m tired of counting the days
until the rays of light beaming through my eyes
will cease to shine
when you finally tell me
that i am no longer yours
and you are no longer mine

we care for our homes
but why do we forget that
earth is our home too

but i don't need to prove my intelligence to you