I was there all the time, while you were gone
One day you were there, the next day, gone
Everything was going good
So I never understood what went wrong
I never understood what I did so wrong
Because one day you were there
And the next day; bright, and early, gone
I never understood how another girl
Became your "number one"
Things started to turn south
When I noticed you were gone more
You'd make sure you were always quiet
When you managed to make your way home
And came through the door
Quiet as can be, so you didn't wake me up
Because you didn't want me to know
That you were actually out after work
With some girl who had a baby
Which made you look like a creep
How could you hit me below the belt, so deep?
You went and wandered the streets
Looking for someone else to satisfy
You and your petty selfish needs
You were playing house with someone else
Giving someone else the attention I was supposed to get
Not even caring to ask how I even felt
You hit me in the face one, slapped rather
That was a one time thing, not a big deal or matter
Because you hit me in front of my mother
And she told you point blank
"If you're going to hit my daughter;
You need to take a breath and really think"
And then I chimed in with;
"It's okay because if he ever tries or does it again;
I'll go to jail for breaking his **** hand."
The audacity this fool think he had
Cheated on me because I can't have kids
And he apparently wanted to be a dad
All you had to do was say something to me
That's something I would have come to understand
But instead you became unfaithful and left me sad
I really had feelings for you because I became obsessed
Starting going to work with you
And sitting in your vehicle for 8-12 hours like I was possessed
You drove me so crazy I didn't know what else to do
Then one day it all became clear
I wasn't needed anymore here
So I left, and never looked back.

Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/25/2025

You were someone I thought I could trust
But I was far from right, as I was completely wrong
Because you didn't want anything to do with me
When I made the attempts to create our own song
You waited until the lights got turned down or off
You waited until the shades were closed
I wish I never stayed with you,  
But my feelings for you were too deep
You waited until I was sound asleep
You waited so you could slide
your hands underneath my clothes
You waited to show your true intentions
You waited to show your true self,
And I just have to be honest,
I was consumed more by disgust
Because you were someone
I thought I honestly could trust
Every night though, you just waited until I was asleep
to do what you needed to,
I can't believe what I went through
In order to relieve yourself,  
because you needed to bust a nut
So I figured out what you were actually doing one night
By pretending to be sound asleep,
just the way you liked it, or so it seemed
And I would breathe as if I was sleeping,
Just so you wouldn't catch me
While I was watching you creeping
Taking my hand and stroking your shaft
I realized what was happening
when the blankets seem to miraculously move
And I suddenly started shaking, catching a cold draft
You were disgraceful, you were obnoxious
You are a ****** predator looking for it's next prey
I hope one day you literally get put away
You did things to me when I was sleeping!
How can you wake up the next day
Smiling, with that on your conscience
I just continued to let it happen,
and I still don't know why
Because it's been many years since then,
and I still sit here and cry
Maybe it's because I just don't understand
Why you would abuse me while I'm asleep
And not just use your own **** hand!
You are a very troubled boy,
And you are someone who will never be a man!



Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/24/2025

He who shall not be named,
Is the beginning, the creator, the cause
Of the rewiring, and the broken pieces to my brain
For I was just only 18 years old
He was a little older, maybe 20
But what he put me through
Felt like a world of hell, eternally
For I was not experienced, I was a ******
It all changed after the night I gave in,
With barely an ounce of courage
For after that, he changed and became sexually enraged
I didn't want it like he did, My life was becoming a bid
I would lock myself in the bathroom like it was a hidden cage
Only because he forced himself upon me and I always cringed
He tried busting through the door!
So I got really scared and started shouting
I WON'T LET YOU DO THIS ANYMORE!!
But it didn't help, a house full of people
And all I could do was silently cry, and welp
Being dragged back to the bedroom that I now hated
Feeling so disrespected, so misguided, so jaded
I would tell him no, please don't do this
He'd look at me and tear my clothes off,
With an eager look in his eyes, as he's licking his lips
I'd push him away, I'd push him off of me!
But he was stronger and he held me down!
He covered my face with a pillow, hollowing out the sound
A house full of people, and they thought I was just going to town
After a while I gave up and let him just have it, have me
And every relationship after that, was the same
Yet, somehow, so much more differently
The bruises I had developed on the inside of my legs
Were always blue and purple, and sometimes even beat red!
Only the punishment didn't stop there, that's where it began
He treated me like I was part of a *******
Like I was just some pig he wanted to hurt and hang
After 6 months, I finally told him I needed space
I don't know how I managed to gather the strength
To look this monster in his eyes, straight to his face
I told him, I said,
"You need to leave and never come back to this place!"
The next day I told everyone who was there at the house
But no one believed me, so I continued to live in trauma
All by myself, and all alone, and as silent as a mouse.
For he was the first person to introduce me into a world like that
Which is something I'm trying my hardest to let go of and forget!


Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/24/2025

It's two or three in the morning and I'm sound asleep
Next thing I know, I'm being woken up,
No longer peaceful, or dreaming of cows and sheep
Woken up with his arm around my neck, squeezing my throat
It's two or three in the morning and I just want to sleep
I never did anything to this person, he was just a mean creep
Meanwhile, I'm being choked for refusing to get up
To make him a sandwich. Of all sandwiches, a PB&J
My first reaction to this encounter was to scream or shout
But I couldn't, I couldn't move, and I could barely breathe
That's when I knew this wasn't a man who loved me
This was a boy who had problems being told no, accordingly
I took my free arm, and I used all the strength I had left
And I slapped him in his face, hard as I could just to break free
Then it escalated and I was thrown out of the room, violently
His whole family was there, as it was a farmhouse
From the recent incident, I had new found holes in my night blouse
But when it all came to the light, I was somehow at fault
I'm the one who got choked, and treated like dirt
But everyone took his side, and that simply.. Hurt
His whole family came at me, and attacked me verbally
When I told my side of the story, they just looked at me like I was crazy
There was no way he could "hurt someone, especially a woman physically"
I knew then and there, that I was on my own
I stayed. I don't know why. But I stayed.
Things kept happening, but the final straw
was when we went out of town
We went to PA to pick up his cousin,
what a mistake that was for me,
As I was too blind to come to terms with what was already known
He was cheating on me with this girl.
Treating her like gold, like she was the only woman in the world
I couldn't believe my eyes, or my ears when it all came to light
I stood there like a fool, trying to preach my case, trying to fight
For a boy who pretended to be a caring man
Only to find out, he was playing family with his own cousins hand
After a year and a half, I decided to leave
Because it wasn't worth suffocating, when I needed to breathe
To this day, I still find it so hard to believe
That he ultimately chose his own cousin over me.
I was just the victim in his story, obviously.
But he was nothing but a simple minded person to his family
It was a scary time for me as I was so young
But like they always say, fools fall in love
While being, young and dumb
I'm just grateful I could get away from this evil one.


Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/24/2025

It's not you, It's me
I try to get you to understand me
But I always fail, effortlessly
Because it's not you, but me
I love the way you're over protective of me
But I don't like the way I make you treat me
I just try to get you to understand me
But, still, I fail, every time completely
Because I can't get through to you clearly
I love the way you defend me
But I don't like the way I drive you crazy
Because again, it's not you, but me
There's a lot going on in my life right now
Especially with my health, but also mentally
I try so hard to do better and be better
But I fail, every. single. ****. time, miserably
Because I simply just don't know how
I don't know how to do better or be better
I grew up young, matured faster than I should have
I had to learn how to do things on my own
Life was becoming more difficult
Everyday became wishes of suicide
Visions of hanging from the window pane
I needed guidance, I needed help,
I didn't know how to deal with the thoughts in my young brain
But ultimately I had to learn.. The hard way
And hard decisions had to be made,
And hard lessons had to be learned,
Respect was drilled to be given, not earned
Hard times had to be dealt with, at such a young age
And now that I'm an adult,
I'm back in that same **** cage
It's not you, it's me, it's never been you, but always me
I'm hurt; and hurt people.. hurt people
It's not fair, but that's the way the game is played
Perhaps I'd be molded differently if,
My mother had left, and my father had decided to stay
But in the end, neither one of them wanted me anyway
It's never been you, it's been me the whole time
I am unstable, I am mentally crippled, and physically numb
I act out, I scream, I yell, I cry and I shout
And because I'm caught up in a circle of rage
A lot of the **** I say is mean, or just violently dumb
So no baby, it's not you, it's me
I wish sometimes more than anything
To be able to let you go, to set you free
But the end result of that wouldn't be fair to you, or me
Because I am a hurt person, and yes I hurt others too
But this life I'm currently living in
Is a life too hard for me to take on, by myself
And as much as I want to say goodbye to you
I just can't, because I can't live this life without you.
It's me, not you,
and I don't know how to stop hurting you.
With all my heart, body, and soul, I truly do love you
I want to do better and be better
But I just simply don't know what to do
If anything, I just want you to know,
It's me… and not you.


Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/24/2025

Living a life like mine is like living through a deck of cards
At first everything seems easy, seems simple,
And then out of nowhere,  everything then becomes hard
There's the cards that are numbered 1-10
Those cards are nice, low, and calm;
I also have days where I'm nice, low, and calm… but not often
Then there's the cards that start with an Ace..
This is a tricky card as it can represent two different things;
1 or 11, depends on the game or the strategy you're using
I have multiple days of being an Ace, why?
Because of the pain I hide on my face
Because of the feeling that I belong somewhere, yet still out of place
I can relate to being an Ace because there are days and times
Where I don't know if I'm coming or going,
or who I even want to be sometimes,
Like some days I love nothing but silence,
Then some other days, I love the soothing sound of windchimes
See how confusing it is living a life as if you were a deck of cards?
I don't know how I do it honestly, life sometimes gets really too hard
Coming next is the King and Queen. Rawr.
Somedays I feel like I am all mighty!
Those are the days I like to keep everything including myself tidy!
But, if I'm not next to my King, then that's when I become A Jack..
A complete and miserable Jack..***!
My moods change quicker than I can even try to begin to get grasped!
I look forward to my future; and although it;
might be kind of hard to see or believe, I do
But when I'm being a *******, time stops,
everything stops, I lose focus and I lose my breath and then I collapse
Because those are the days I'm usually getting stuck remembering my past
Then you have the Joker Card, oooh this is my favorite card
Here's why, It doesn't have a set label, it can be its own thing
I have several days where I don't know what tomorrow will bring
Moods swinging near or far, barely hanging on by a thread
Wishing some days that I can take back certain words I've ever said
But that's not how life works, especially not a life like a deck of cards
Moods are okay today, but what about tomorrow? Or the next day?
Jokers are my type of card to play, just be careful what you do or say
I'm not a mean person by nature or by blood,
but it's something I've gotten good at these days
I'm living my life with multiple moods,
And possibly even with multiple personalities;
But somewhere along the cards in my brain, I'm somewhat tamed
I may be put together well on the outside;
But if you ever lived a life like mine, you'd never be the same
Because I won't lie, some days I hear nothing on the inside;
And some other days I hear voices that drive me absolutely insane
And living in today's society, and in today's day in age;
And because my moods are so relatable to the characters in a deck of cards
I have earned the jester of having Jekyll & Hyde as my middle name
I know I need to get my mind right, I'm not going to give up or stray
But I'm currently stuck in my own terrifying ways,
and I'm not sure if I really want to change.


Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/21/2025

What if the heart really doesn't know..
Before I continue this, I'll tell you what inspired this poem
The saying(s) go(es) something like;
"The heart knows what it wants.";
Or; "Always follow your heart."
Well, back to the poem, just hear me out though
What if the heart really doesn't know what it wants?
What if we "think" we know what it wants by, in fact, manipulation?
I mean come on, think about it, our minds also have a need for dictation
and our mind's can't help but crave a life full of harmful justifications
So what if the heart is fooled into thinking it knows what it wants?
I seriously cannot be the only person with these kinds of thoughts?
I  thought I knew what it was supposed to be like, to be loved
But little did I know, that soon, the honeymoon would be over;
And the bond we once shared, we once had, became weak, and unplugged
What if my heart "thought" I "felt" like I was being loved?
Because I'm down as low as I can be or get;
So why does this person I deeply love so much, continue to push and shove?
What if my heart doesn't know
What if my heart doesn't even have a clue? So please tell me brain;
What in the hell am I supposed to do?!
They say to listen to the heart, but um, I can't just do that
For my heart only feels, and my brain does the real, true thinking
So when we say "I Love You" are we really feeling it like we think we do?
Or are we really thinking it like we feel we do?
A couple phrases causes me to believe;
that we are indeed manipulated by our brains;
Because the yin yang is real, it's literally in black and white;
Our hearts are constantly being tricked,
And our minds are playing games that sometimes come too quick
That's why we get hurt, not only do "hurt people, hurt people"
But that's why our hearts are so naive, because our minds are too slick
You can't have good without a little bit of bad; and
You can't have bad without a little bit of good
Just like this(ese) one(s) goes(go) something along the line(s) of this(ese);
And "just because you can, doesn't mean you should"
I just feel like I finally discovered something about the heart;
Could it be our minds running the entire circus show from the start?
Like maybe I figured out the real meaning;
of the connection between the two?
There's a message in this poem,
a reality between the heart and mind
Or maybe it's just my way of thinking,
and maybe I really am just one of a kind?
Maybe I'm just finally going insane and simply overthinking;
Or maybe I'm just finally losing a battle with a ship that's sinking
Because you can't have happiness, without a little bit of pain
and you can't lose, if you don't ever intend to gain
So my question(s) is(are);
What if the heart doesn't really know?
What if the heart really doesn't know what it wants?
and what if the heart simply never even had an actual clue?
What if the heart has always been manipulated into believing what to do?
and it's always been our brains that cause the;
mind to flaunt meaningless taunts?
So this is my outlook on why I believe our hearts are;
Manipulated by, in fact, our brain.

P.S.
Does anyone else ever think about stuff like this?
Does anyone else kinda wonder and feel the same?
So what if this really has some twisted kind of meaning?
Or am I thinking way too far out of the box and this is just decieving?


Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/21/2025

STOP; Now that you're finished, you will now, forever be done;
For I have a chance now to grow, while your life from here will flop;

DROP; Did you get your rocks off, during your twisted, distasteful, fun?
Let the truth be known, let the confessions begin to flow!
YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO DO WHAT YOU DID TO ME EVEN:
IF I WAS WEARING SHORTS AND A CROP TOP!!

&ROLL; It's time I start helping to put people like you away!
It's time for myself, and more people to;
get the strength and the courage and the;
Ability and the freedom to open up and finally say;
WE ARE SPEAKING UP, AND GIVING OUT NAMES!!
WE ARE NO LONGER ASHAMED, FOR WE ARE NOT THE;
CAUSE OF YOUR PITIFUL SHAME!!!
WE ARE SPEAKING UP AND SEEKING JUSTICE AND REBORN INNOCENCE!!
If our lives have to be changed, then so does yours;
Perverts LIKE YOU DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE THE SAME;
IT"S TIME FOR PERVERTS LIKE YOU, TO;
BE DECAPITATED LIKE USELESS SERVANTS!

STOP; Your time has come to an end, no longer the sunlight you shall see;
Oh and trust me, you will be going to hell, nowhere near the heavens up top;

DROP; I will create my own valley because of disgraces like you;
You only gave myself and others the power, to finally set ourselves free;
We will gather together, and spread the words "NO AND STOP"

&ROLL; I hope the day you meet your final demise,
not one person has a tear to cry
And I hope not one person has the audacity to ask why
Because when we were too young, we lost ourselves and our innocents
BUT THAT'S ALL GOING TO CHANGE, BECAUSE;
WE ARE GOING TO START TAKING CONTROL!

Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/19/2025

STOP; Take your clothes off, it'll be okay, I swear, I'll climb on top
DROP; I don't want to get naked, I'm innocent! I refuse, please stop!
& ROLL; No one will believe you, you're too young;
And they will look at me and think "he's way too old"

STOP; Do as your told and none of this will hurt; I'll be gentle, now get on top
DROP; I don't want to be under you, I don't want to be above you, please, stop!
& ROLL; DO AS YOU'RE TOLD LITTLE GIRL, I'll treat your body like a piece of gold
None of it will hurt if you just obey! But I don't want to be on your pole!

STOP; STOP FUSSING, turn around and lay on your stomach;
Take your shorts and pull them down, if I do it, I won't stop
DROP; Why are you doing this to me?? What did I do to deserve this? PLEASE STOP!!
&ROll; I'm getting sick and tired of listening to you cry and whine,
So shut up and do as you're told!

Been through this with so many different men, I swear they're all the same
I told people, but no one listened because I was too scared to give up their names
So now, I suffer with complex ptsd, and undiagnosed adult ADHD
nightmares that wake me up and cause severe social anxiety,
Forever broken, forever wounded, never healing, forever ******* up mentally
I became an addict for the longest time because of this abuse, especially sexually
I was self harming, trying to overdose, trying to run away;
But with nowhere to run, and no one to tell,
because no one believed anything I had to say

I'm healing now but only as a recovering addict
I turned lesbian for a while and that only covered up the pain
With a woman I really didn't know who she was, pretending with a smile
Swore to myself that I was done and over anything or anyone with a ****!
But here I am, finding myself loving someone who took me away from all this
Someone who treats me like the person I deserve to be, the person I need to be
So how come I'm trapped in this mental spiral of all my wrong doings?
Of all my past relationships and all my past abusers?
They wreck havoc in my mind like the sinking titanic ship
Oh god, those nights where I just wanted to hang myself with my very own whip

STOP; Don't let anyone take control over you! SCREAM AND SHOUT STOP!!
DROP; Don't let someone tell you that it's okay, it's normal, it's fun,
KICK THEM SQUARE IN THEIR NUTS AND RUN WHILE YELLING HELP HELP HELP!!
GET THIS MAN AWAY FROM ME AND MAKE HIM STOP!!
& ROLL; NEVER ONCE AGAIN WILL I BE HUSHED, SHUSHED, OR THREATENED NOT TO TELL,
Because everything that's in the dark eventually comes to light,
and that will be the day that these stories come out and are told!!



Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/18/2025

I use dark evil jokes, and twisted sarcasm to mask my pain
Because I've already once lost everything,
The only way to go now is forward to see what else I can gain
I found my inner peace when I left your house
I found my inner peace when I let myself be loved by my spouse
The second I even start to think about you
It doesn't take long for everything to change
It doesn't take long for everything to come undone
But the difference is, I'm growing and learning
You're stuck in your own old ways, like seriously, come on
Doesn't it bother you that whenever I hear your voice
I have to give myself a lecture, I have to give myself some space
Your voice is like a very thick, nasty venom running through my veins
Your touch is so infuriating, so frustrating, it's messing with my brain
But it's your words that hurt the most,
It's your words that make me wish instead
That I was the one turning on a rod during a pigs roast
I don't even want to begin to imagine;
What you're going to be like when you're a ghost
Your words are harsh, ugly, bitter, mean,
They don't ever fall short of nothing far or more in between
So just keep throwing the daggers into my heart
Your words are so strong, and so hateful,
that they've got me in a chokehold
Cutting off any and all oxygen
that's fading away from reaching my brain
When I was younger, you're all I ever needed
But as I've gotten older, you're all I never wanted
I'm going crazy because of you and because of your words
I'm stronger now, and much wiser, yes, I know,
But there are days, sometimes weeks, hell, even months
When I'm reminded of your words, your voice, your touch
And I can't help but just sit on my bed and cry, falling apart
Don't you understand that you created a demon inside of me?
A demon I can't seem to get rid of for the life of me?
Because it's not MY demon, it's yours, and it doesn't belong in my head
It's YOUR demon, living rent free, in my skull,
Making me wish sometimes, that I WAS DEAD
I'll never forget those words you once said to me though
That I'm the reason you want to die.
I thought I was the reason you smiled, but I guess that was more lies
Because everything you've ever said,
resulted in me screaming and crying
Left alone to pick up all the pieces off my floor
Because you were just a young girl who was just playing pretend
And when it actually happened, it became too real,
It became too much for you to handle on your own
I can't figure out how this is my fault?
Can you please tell me how this is my fault?
Because I want the same thing that you do
For all this pain to just stop..
And end.


Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/18/2025

I'm an honest person for being your daughter
Which leaves me speechless sometimes,
Considering, it's you, who is my mother
All I ever wanted, all I ever needed, was your support
All I ever wanted, all I ever needed, was your love
All I ever wanted, all I ever needed, was for you to care
You're not the best influence for me,
and that's why I have to go as soon as I can
I have to go, far far far far far far away from you
There's just no getting through to you
I chose to be sober, I chose to be clean,
You choose to be addicted, and be forever mean
We are not one in the same, even if we share DNA
We are not one in the same, even if we have the same blood
I've tried throughout many years to get through to you
There's just no point, there's no use,
it's like talking to a **** wall
You're baggage is becoming too heavy,
and so now I'm choosing to let you fall
Because you are someone I can no longer be around
Every day you're trying to be an enabler
Every day you're trying to become a supplier
Every day you're trying your hardest to put me in the ground
And every day, I become more anticipated to break free
To break free from your voice, your sight, your touch, ugh,
Just to break free from you all around
This time, I'm not looking back, I can't fall back
I chose to be sober, I chose to be clean
I chose to do whatever it takes for me to be me
And to not be you, I don't want to feel numb anymore
I want to feel alive again, I want to be reborn
I want to feel the sun on my skin
I want to feel the wind beneath my wings
I want to do the things that I can't do when I'm around you
And it's because you make me feel, isolated, invisible,
That's what you have become to continuously do
I've told you multiple times I don't want to be popping pills
So stop fking asking me because I see red and the suddenly;
I get the urge to either hurt you, myself,
Or I get the urge to find something to ****
I escape this reality through my words,
so that I don't end up on the next 48
It just ***** so bad because
you're my mother who is spiteful
It just ***** so bad because
you're my mother who is broken beyond repair
I've tried too many times, I've wasted too many words
I've lost count of how many breaths I've taken
And now, I'm honestly to the point now, that I no longer care
You'll never know any of this, or how I truly feel
Because I can't be bothered enough to tell you to your face
I just know I'm going to continue to keep choosing to be sober,
And I just know that I'm going to continue to keep choosing to be clean
While you're already dying, because you're addicted and so mean
So what's it going to take? Isn't it already too late?
you'll soon find your resting place
You'll find it sooner rather than later;
because of the path you've chosen
The path that causes so much pain,
The path that causes so much hatred
The path that causes so much disgust and disgrace
I'm an honest person for being your daughter
Which sometimes leaves me speechless,
Because it's you, who is my mother.
Which really makes me wonder sometimes..
Am I… even really yours?


Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/18/2025

This is going to be a hard poem to write, so please just bear with me
You are part of the reason why I am here, as you helped create me
You created my life inside of your womb which helped shelter me
9 months later and there I was, just a little darling thing, me
As an infant, toddler, child and kid, you told me I was your world;
Little did I know by the time I became a teenager;
Is when I realized that everything you said to me
Was just meaningless words that you just kept throwing at me
I had to grow up fast, quicker than I had intended to, lucky me
Throughout my teenage years, I've had to witness a lot of different things
And it always felt like it would come back on me
Like it was my fault that daddy always hit you, and never me
Like it was my fault that daddy left you, my brother, and me
Like it was my fault that you became;
So depressed you stopped taking care of me, again, lucky me
So depressed that as I got older you started loving me less;
And continuously, and very obviously, started hating me
My teenage years was a time of pure hell for me
I became depressed, so depressed I stopped going to school;
That's when the abuse started to happen, so… viciously
That's around the time when the abuse started getting to me
For it wasn't just the simple, "normal" discipline you see
What started out to be verbal abuse, turned into emotional abuse;
And from emotional abuse, it turned into mental abuse;
And not long after that, unfortunately, the abuse turned physically
Some years go by, and eventually I get taken away from you
At first I was scared, I'll admit. But then I learned what it was like
To be accepted, to be loved, to be wanted, to be needed;
To not feel like a burden, or a problem, or a bump on a log you see
It was starting to feel nice being treated kindly, and differently
But then when I got back home at 17, that's when the real abuse;
Picked up and became so… intentionally, so disgusting, and disturbing
The fact I can even write a poem like this, truly, upsets me
But that's okay, at this point in my life, I grew up and learned how to be..
More free, more outspoken, more bold, more wise, I even have a touch;
Of inner genuinity, now I'm a writer and I'm invested in life and philosophy
I even became a dreamer with a goal to make everything MY reality
I was okay with being an outcast,  because I even gained my own dignity
That's when I realized by the time I was 19, I wanted to live differently
I became a woman, at such a young age, I learned how to live, independently; this, in the long run, turned out to help me
It helped build a character I didn't know I even had inside of me
Fast forward some more major years of my life, and now I'm an adult;
A stunning, brilliant, intelligent woman at the age of 33
But the only thing you ever did good for me, was just help create me
I raised myself, I formed my self, so I owe everything I am today, to me
The abuse is still going on, everything is the same;
Just not so much physically, which makes me wonder, and ponder
So many different types of questions, but I'll never get a straight answer;
Because I live in reality, and you're stuck in your own twisted melody
Lucky me, lucky me, lucky me, a feeling of hatred from someone;
Who only had one job to do, and that was to mother me
Which you failed, wholeheartedly and so boldly
When you refused to change how you treat me,
When you refused to even change the way you look at me
Why do you hate me so much? Why do you treat me so cruel?;
If you really didn't want me, then, God forgive me for asking this
But why didn't you just abort me? Or just get rid of me?
I was born into a family that had no business of having me
Demonstrating a childhood, and adulthood of traumatizing memories
All because the ***** donor left, who I used to call daddy
Don't you care how much I needed you, to take care of me?
Don't you care how much I loved you, even though it was never returned?
Don't you care how much this hurts me? Like, seriously?
Lucky me, lucky me, lucky me, to be born to a person;
Who never intentionally, honestly, wanted me
Who jokes from time to time saying I was an accident;
However, Mother, I see through your lies,
I see through your white noise, all those times you ignored my cries
I see how me being around you, causes you to be so mean to me
So when I leave this time, I'm not looking back
You will no longer have the audacity of having tears fall from these eyes
Because everything you ever said to me, was nothing but lies
I'm better off on my own, you made that statement loud and clear
So lucky me, lucky me, lucky me, because this time around
I'm going to be gone for good, for a lifetime, for eternity
Yes, I love you but I don't love how you hurt me and that's why
I'm going to be grown up about this, and completely cut… all ties.
You did this, to not just you, but to our whole family
You'll still have me, but from a very far distance;
Because as much as this kills me to say this;
I no longer can stand you, and you can't stand me.
We've made our beds, now it's time to face reality
I have always loved you, but you never really loved.. me.


Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/15/2025

I come from a dark place
But please, do not throw that in my face
I have made my share of mistakes,
And some are unforgivable, some are a disgrace
But that is not who i am anymore
For i have grown, i have changed
I don’t aim for highs, i aim for lows
I aim for happiness, and love
Not things that can harm me, **** me, or hurt me
I have seen the light, i have been set free
For i am an addict, but i am recovering
For my past is not my future
And my future is not my past
These feelings i have, are sure to last
Because i am me, i am myself
I am free, i am alive, i am no longer dead
The demons, they have left, they have left my head
The voices will always be there,
But that’s fine, i don’t care
I’ve proven people can change, people can grow
I come from a dark place
And that’s all anyone needs to know.


Stephanie Davis
10/30/2020

I have many hopes and I have many dreams
What I don’t have a lot of, is time, or so it seems
Every day, I try so hard to complete my goals
To achieve my long term dreams
But it’s time, that I fail to gain, or so it seems
There are things I want to complete in life
Before I am gone, before I have gone away
I tackle my dreams day by day
But I feel like I am getting nowhere
Will it happen today? Will it happen tomorrow?
Will it happen anytime, anywhere?
All my hopes, all my dreams
Are they slipping? Are they growing?
Am I going to succeed? Or am I already failing?
I have many hopes and I have many dreams
What I don’t have a lot of, is time, or so it seems…
When will I get the chance to be someone?
When will I get the chance to be something?
Are my hopes and dreams worth nothing?
Or am I hoping too much? Am I dreaming too much?
Is there even anything that can be known as such?
I have many hopes and I have many dreams
What I don’t have a lot of, is time, or so it seems…
So it seems.. Time is of virtue, so I shall begin soon..
Before it becomes another wasteless memory
Before it becomes another lost dream
Another lost hope, before it becomes anything less important
My hopes and my dreams, are what I thrive for
Are what I live for, I’ll give all my devotion
If I can just get my foot through that first door..
I’ll gain time, I’ll gain hope, I’ll gain more dreams
But right now, time is what I don’t have a lot of, or so it seems.


Stephanie Davis
10/23/20

I didn’t know how much I would need you
I didn’t know how much I would miss you
I didn’t know how much anything would ever make sense again
But here I sit, alone, at a table with tears rolling down my face
Remembering…. Remembering everything
Remembering the days we spent together
Remembering the nights I’d sit up alone
To wake up every single day, and these memories go to the unknown
I can feel you all around me, no matter the weather
I remember you, I remember us, I remember everything
I didn’t know that I would grow up and still need you
I didn’t know that I would grow up and still miss you
I didn’t know that I would grow up and still nothing would make sense
You gave me life, you gave me memories, you gave me your warm embrace
I hope when you left you found peace and you found grace
As I sit here and write this poem, if you’d call it that
The tears flow silently down my face.. The face that you once held in your hands
The face that you once gave strict demands
The face that longs for you every day since you’ve been gone
I’m still sitting here, remembering, remembering everything
Remembering the days we spent together
Remembering the nights we’d talk together
Remembering the childhood you helped make pure
Remembering the woman who you wanted me to be
I think it’s time, that I tell myself it’s okay, to set you free
This is NOT goodbye, but until we see each other again.
I love you, forever and always, gone, but never forgotten.


Stephanie Davis
10/23/20

Sometimes what we want isn’t what we need
And sometimes, what we need isn’t what we want
Sometimes, when we fail, we truly succeed
And sometimes, when we succeed, we are truly failing
Life is all or nothing but a mystery
And sometimes, living, doesn’t come freely
Sometimes, there are problems
And sometimes, there are solutions
But there is never a day
That can go without either….
For life has its ups and downs
And it's up to us, to fix our crowns
Sometimes, life isn’t what we want to do
And sometimes, life is all we have to get through
Sometimes, the world can be cruel
But sometimes, the world can be unglued
For life itself, needs help along the way
And because sometimes, it’s never a good time to walk away
So just remember, sometimes what we want, isn’t what we need
And sometimes what we need, isn't want we want

Stephanie Davis
10/23/20

You slapped me in the face
All because I was there at the wrong time
I was there, at the wrong place
You kicked me while I was down
All because I was younger and naive
You told me lies, only because you know I’d believe
Everything and anything you’d ever say to me
You pushed me while I wasn’t looking
All because you couldn’t stand to see me cry
You’re the reason I wanted to die
But things have changed and now I’m grown
I can handle things on my own
Being without you or around you
Has made me open my eyes
To a world full of love, and no more lies
No more hurt, no more pain
You can no longer throw shade at my name
You never cared, you never shared
You just wanted another piece to your abusive game
I don’t stand for bullying, or abuse
So let these words help you, become a better you
If you don’t try to change, then what’s the use
You’ll forever be a bully,
and I'll forever be a survivor.


Stephanie Davis
10/17/20

I’d be lost without you in my life
I’d be lost without you as my wife
I’d be lost without you in my world
I’d be lost without my forever girl
I’d be lost without your shining smile
I’d be lost with myself for a little while
I’d be lost without you here with me
I’d be lost without you loving me freely
I’d be lost without you endlessly
So please, don’t ever leave me
Because without you, I am not me
Without you, I am nothing
But with you, I am something
For you and I are one in the same
Someday soon we will have the same last name
We are two hearts beating as one
With a love, that can never be undone

Stephanie Davis
10/17/20

Being a diabetic
Comes with less treats and more tricks
Being a diabetic
Comes with many highs, and many lows
Being a diabetic
Comes with little catches, and so many blows
Being a diabetic
Has its ups and downs
Being a diabetic
Comes with problems from all around
Being a diabetic
Comes with lots of disabilities
Being a diabetic
Comes with the lack of your abilities
Being a diabetic
Comes with lots of responsibilities
Being a diabetic
Messes with your heart
Being a diabetic
May literally tear you apart
Being a diabetic
Comes with many hopes
Being a diabetic
Comes with a lot of false hope
There is no cure
There is no fixing
But those who are a diabetic
Can conquer the way of living
We can survive by fighting
We can live long lives
As soon as we find the silver lining
As long as the sun is shining
Our smiles can keep on flying

I am a type 1 diabetic and I know the struggle. If anyone reads this and needs a friend to talk to, I’m here.


Stephanie Davis
10/15/20

We’re fighting right beside you
You are never alone
No matter how near, no matter how far
We are always going to be there
In your heart, in your mind, in your soul
Fighting this with you is our forever goal

We can’t find the words to say
Because we never imagined the day
Where we would have to express our self
Express our self in terms of acceptance
Express our self in terms of fearfulness
But for you, our mother, we strongly say, God bless

You’re going through a rough time and we want to make it clear
You are worth it, We are worth it, and surviving is worth it
You are never alone, although you may feel like it
You are never lonely, although you may think it
You are important, loved, and we need you here

We’re fighting right beside you
You are never alone
No matter how near, no matter how far
We are always going to be there
In your heart, in your mind, in your soul
Fighting this with you is our forever goal

You may feel like giving up,
You may question if it's worth it, but it is
Trust us, you gave us life
We give you hope, we give you strength
Please don’t give up, you are our mother
And we will never get another
We love you with all our hearts
And if you give up, our worlds will be torn apart

I hate what it is you do to me
You got some kind of grip on me
Every time i try to leave
I turn around and walk right back
Something tugs, something pulls me back to you
My heart breaks, then it heals just to rebreak
If i leave is that the right choice
What do i do? What do i say?
You got the power over me and i’m so in love
In love with you, physically, emotionally, mentally, soulfully
So in love with you i hope nothing breaks us apart
So in love with you i hope nothing tears us apart
I hope this and i hope that
But baby you’re the only one who can keep us safe
So don’t push me away baby,
i need you just as much as you need me
This life we’ve created has memories
It has bad times, good times, in between times,
And I wouldn’t trade it for anything
My pain, my laughter, my tears, my smiles,
Is everything you manage to bring
I loved you then, i love you now,
I’ll love you until the end of time
I love you with all my heart,
To the moon and back
Infinity and beyond
Forever and always
I hate what it is you do to me
You got some kind of grip on me
Every time i try to leave
I turn around and walk right back
Something tugs, something pulls me back to you
Something tugs….. And something pulls me back to you

My pain is my pain
You can’t take away my pain
My pain is a pain that shouldn’t be shared
It’s a pain that’ll leave you scarred
Lonely, alone, and scared
Doors locked, windows barred
4 walls closing in, 4 walls fading out
This pain is a pain I can’t handle
Starting from one thing to another
It’s always a consistent all around or just about
This pain is pain that goes to your head
If you’re not careful, the demons, the voices
They will leave you silently dead
Its my life, its my pain, but it's not my choices
I was born this way, no one can fix me
No one can help me, this pain is my pain
It will never go away
No matter what the doctors do or say
The tears suddenly stop because I’m slowly fading away
Is there time? Is there faith? Is there anything to take away this pain
Probably not, so i’ll remind you one last time
My pain is my pain
You can’t take away my pain
Don’t you try to take away my pain
You don’t understand
But that’s what i’m trying to do
Is get you to understand
That you can’t take away my pain
My pain is my pain

I’m sick and tired of being told to stay positive
I’m sick and tired of being told to think positive
When the outcome is so very obvious
My body is rejecting me, my body is fighting me
My body is my temple, yet its abusing me
No body can see what i feel
No body can feel what i see
My body is supposed to be my body
But my body has become a stranger to me
Because of my body i cant live freely
Because of my body I cant sleep peacefully
Because of my body, i might end up as a photo gallery
Because of my body will anyone remember me

Will anyone remember all the times i’ve cried
Will anyone remember how hard i tried
To be the strong person, to be the positive one
When everything is said and done
Will anyone remember me, or what my body has become
Will anyone remember me, or the person i tried to become?
Will anyone remember all the pain i kept inside
Or remember how alone and dead i felt along the ride
Will anyone be there to pray for me,
As one day i hope this battle is one i can win
My time on earth hasn’t been so fair,
I’m still young, I want a chance to repair
To Repair my broken heart,
To Repair my broken mind
To Repair my broken family
To Repair everything that’s ever gotten in my way
To repair my body so i dont get thrown away
Because of my body will anyone remember me

I’m sick and tired of being told to stay positive
I’m sick and tired of being told to think positive
When the outcome is so very obvious
My body is rejecting me, my body is fighting me
My body is my temple, yet its abusing me
No body can see what i feel
No body can feel what i see
My body is supposed to be my body
But my body has become a stranger to me
Because of my body i cant live freely
Because of my body I cant sleep peacefully
Because of my body, i might end up as a photo gallery
Because of my body will anyone remember me

Will anyone remember all the times i lied
When being asked if i'm okay and i’d say yeah i’m fine
Ive become good at hiding my emotions
Because my body is no longer mine
I’m torn between many explosions
Would i be strong enough to fight
Or would i need an enhancer
Because of my body hating me
I’m afraid one day i’ll die lonely
Not because i’m not surrounded by people i love
Or by people who love me
But because my body is my temple
And right now, it’s abusing me

God takes those he needs
But what about us and our needs?
What about us who are left behind
Trusting that time will heal our hearts and minds
What about us, who are left to survive
What about us who has lost all motivation to thrive
What about us, the ones who are still alive
But the ones who feel nothing at all but death
The ones who are silently suffering
Slowly withering, our lives on hold like we’re buffering
God gives just so he can take
But what about us? Don’t we deserve a break
A year full of trauma, drama, and death
A year full of lies, trouble, and shortened breaths
What about us? What about the other ones he created
How can he keep us here feeling so defeated
Feeling so… lost, confused and belittled
When do we get to go home?
When do we get to stop hurting
So what about us?
The ones who want to live, but can’t
The ones who deserve a better life but it seems so distant
The ones that become drug addicts, or obliterated to the world
The ones he created, but never offered his hand
The ones he leaves here on earth
But I’ve always been told, God takes those he needs
But what about us and our needs?

People are dying every single day
Yet, we just sit around
Frozen, with nothing to say
Voiceless, Pushing them into the ground
But not anymore
We have voices and they are ready to roar
It's time we speak up
It's time we shout out
To take the risk and throw the drugs out
It's time to give people something else to think about

What is wrong with the world today
The good times seem to have faded away
Yesterday is gone, Today is now, and Tomorrow isn't always promised, (It's never promised)
When did our world become so demolished?

People are losing their lives
To something far worse, than guns and knives
Because they are consuming the Devil
and Not knowing that they will never reach his level
It's time to get rid of the bad
and replace it with good
It's time to give them the life they wish they had
The life they dreamed they had
The life they never had

So, what is wrong with the world today?
Have the good times really faded away?
Yesterday is gone, it's never coming back
Today is now, it's time to get our lives on track
Because Tomorrow isn't always promised, (It's never promised)

It's time for no more mental wards
It's time for no more prison wards
It's time to start living by going forward
And to stop dying by going backwards

The time is now, The time has come
To banish the drugs, and to mourn the deaths
People deserve to take deep breaths
People deserve a better outcome
Us, As people deserve to live
People deserve to believe
It's time to forgive
It's time for the drugs to leave

It's time, The time is NOW!

What is wrong with the world today
The good times seem to have faded away
Yesterday is gone, Today is now, and Tomorrow isn't always promised, (it's never promised)
So, when did our world become so demolished?

Stephanie Davis
12/6/19

do you know what it's like?
to feel lonely, but not be alone
do you know what it's like?
the want to be around people
but the need to be on your own
do you know what it's like?
to want to receive love
but the need to give hate
do you know what it's like?
to want happiness
but also enjoy the sadness
do you know? do you really know?
it's not easy being happy
then 10 seconds later be sad
it's easy to accept sadness
but hard to accept happiness
it's easier to spread hate
than it is easy to spread love
I don't really want to be on my own
but I can't handle being surrounded
I can't say I'm alone
it's just easier to feel lonely


Stephanie Davis
2/11/2019

When the sun fades away
and the day turns into night
That's when I'll think of you
When the sky is dark
And the moon is bright
I'll know it's you and
That's when I'll think of you

You were my strength
You were my inspiration
I'll never forget the day you saved my life
By showing me how to love without hesitation
You were always there for me
Whenever I felt alone
The way you would hold me
And comfort me with your soothing voice tone

When the rain drops fall
And there's no one beside me
That's when I'll think of you
When the snow covers the ground
And there's no one to guide me
That's when I'll think of you

Through out the years
You've given me laughter
You've given me tears
Through out my life you've given me hope
To go and start a new chapter
Always giving me love and support
By being my hero and taking away all my fears

So, whenever I'm missing you
I'll sit in the sun
I'll look up to the sky
If the moon is bright
I'll know it's you
And that's when I'll be thinking of you
I'll stand in the rain
I'll walk in the snow
You'll forever be in my heart
And I'll always be thinking of you

Every night I lay in bed crying
Because I can feel my body slowly dying
I want to surrender
I want to live a new adventure
Please God take me home
I'll accept my defeat
This pain that was  given to me
Is making it almost impossible to stand on my own two feet
This pain is so intense
It's literally demanding
The want and need for a cure
Is almost intimidating
This pain I'm talking about
Starts from the top of my head
Working it's way through my body
Until it finally reaches my toes
The extent of misery I feel everyday
Is something that nobody knows
Because I put a fake smile on my face
And try my hardest to survive another day

Every night I lay in bed crying
Because I can feel my body slowly dying
I want to surrender
I want to live a new adventure
Please God take me home
I'll accept my defeat
This pain that was  given to me
Is making it almost impossible to stand on my own two feet
This pain is so intense
It's literally demanding
The want and need for a cure
Is almost intimidating
This pain I'm talking about
Starts from the top of my head
Working it's way through my body
Until it finally reaches my toes
The extent of misery I feel everyday
Is something that nobody knows
Because I put a fake smile on my face
And try my hardest to survive another day

When the sun fades away
and the day turns into night
That's when I'll think of you
When the sky is dark
And the moon is bright
I'll know it's you and
That's when I'll think of you

You were my strength
You were my inspiration
I'll never forget the day you saved my life
By showing me how to love without hesitation
You were always there for me
Whenever I felt alone
The way you would hold me
And comfort me with your soothing voice tone

When the rain drops fall
And there's no one beside me
That's when I'll think of you
When the snow covers the ground
And there's no one to guide me
That's when I'll think of you

Through out the years
You've given me laughter
You've given me tears
Through out my life you've given me hope
To go and start a new chapter
Always giving me love and support
By being my hero and taking away all my fears

So, whenever I'm missing you
I'll sit in the sun
I'll look up to the sky
If the moon is bright
I'll know it's you
And that's when I'll be thinking of you
I'll stand in the rain
I'll walk in the snow
You'll forever be in my heart
And I'll always be thinking of you

She hides her pain
Behind a smile
Because she knows
The pain will last
More than a little while

She hides her pain
Behind a mask
Because she knows
What people will ask

They'll ask her
"Are you okay?"
She'll say "I'm fine"
Turn, and walk away

The less she has to tell
The less her heart can yell
She wants to be free
But no one will let her be

They keep asking her
"Are you okay?"
She says "I'm fine"
But inside all she wants
Is the pain to go away

She doesn't know
If she'll be around
To see that day

So she hides her pain
Behind a smile
Because she knows
The pain will last
More than a little while


Stephanie Davis
3/3/2018

If I could see you in my dreams
I'd tell you how it is
I'd tell you how it was
I'd tell you how it was supposed to be
But that'll never happen
Because before I get to see you
I wake up and have to face reality
The reality of you leaving me
The reality of never seeing you again
I wasn't ready for you to leave
But I got the news and I refused to believe
I needed you to stay
But God needed you home
So he came and took you away
Now I sit here all alone
When I miss you, I can't just pick up the phone
I'd do anything just to hear your voice
But God took you and I don't feel it was by choice
When I want to see your face
I go through the pictures in my memories
I close my eyes and I'm taken to a place
Where time and everything is frozen in space
My memories are what keep me going
My memories no one can take from me
The answer why God took you home
Is an answer that'll never be known
I just wanted to let you know
I think of you when it's raining
I think of you when the suns shining
I'm sorry I wasn't there when you had to go
I'm sorry about the painful timing
I'll always remember you though
You're my family and that's how it goes
The amount of mourning no one knows
I still need you to this day
But there's nothing more I can say
Yeah my life's been torn apart
But you'll forever stay in my heart
I know we'll be together again someday soon
And when that happens
We'll pick up where we left off
As we both sit up on the moon


Stephanie Davis 11/14/17

Your yesterday's are my today's
My today's are your tomorrows
The sun continues to rise
But my darkness forever stays

My hellos are your goodbyes
Your goodbyes are my failed tries
The sun continues to rise
But my darkness forever stays

Your words are my pains
My pains are all your lies
The sun continues to rise
But my darkness forever stays

I can forgive, but I can't forget
I love you,  and I hate you
Two strong words, both I regret
There's nothing more I can do

The sun continues to rise
But my darkness forever stays

Someone once told me
To never lose hope
I learned life's too short
To sit around and mope

I have a lot of problems
But I'm still young
I have plenty of time
To make a right from a wrong

I'm the one who can fix me
I'm the one who can also break me
But as long as I have hope
I have no reason to sit around and mope

Never felt so much sorrow
Before my heart became hollow
Said you'd always be here
Then one day you weren't there

Where did you go?
How come I didn't know?
You left me, you left us
You shattered my trust

It's been quite some years
I lost count through my tears
Everything you've ever told me
I had always believed

But it was never the truth
It turned out to be all lies
Now every time I think of you
A piece of my heart slowly dies

It was never about me
But always about you
I grew up without you
That's what I'll continue to do

Just remember one thing
It's not me who's to blame
I never wanted to be
Part of your selfish game

I don't know why I can't get over you, Even after everything you've put me through, I still love you, I'm alive but you make me feel so dead, you ignore me and it goes to my head, I've called your house, your cell, I've even tried messaging you on Facebook, but for reasons I don't know, you're like a fish that I just can't hook, you left my life and came back, only for a little while then you'd leave again and it'd feel like I was having a heart attack, I've spent years crying over you, wondering what it was that I did to you, how could you hate me, but I still love you?, I think part of the reason I hang on to you is because I know you, I dont think having me was the accident, I think knowing you is the real tradgity, you're nothing but a ***** donor, now I know why I was always a loner, but not anymore, I'm done fighting myself over you, this spot in my heart for you is finally frozen, saying goodbye to you is the choice I've finally chosen. If something ever happens to you, just know that I love you, but I wouldn't want to know, because I wouldn't want to ask myself, if losing you would be a grief, or if losing you would be a relief

What do you say
When the person you love
Turns and walks away

What do you do
When the person you love
No longer loves you

What do you think
When the person you love
Is gone within a blink

How do you eat
When the person you love
Was your heartbeat

How do you sleep
When the person you love
You can no longer keep

How can you not cry
When the person you love
Leaves and says goodbye

You were my yesterday
You were my today
You were my tomorrow
You were my everyday

This is how my story goes
Ever since you went away
My pain no body knows
My words explain what I can't say

I've become completely lost
I may never be found
The day you left
My life turned around

One day you're here
The next day you're gone
I need you more now
Than I ever did before

You were my everything
Now all I can do is cry
Because without you I'm nothing
I never even got to say goodbye

Until we meet again
My words will forever fly
They'll travel every now and then
Until they reach you in the sky

You were my yesterday
You were my today
You were my tomorrow
You were my everyday