The mushrooms in the forest
Know more about survival than me
They bloom in death
And wear it like velvet
I tried burying fear in the compost bin
It came back fragrant
Humming songs I hadn't written yet
There's glory in the stink of it
Mould carving frescoes in
Forgotten bread
Worms in the pit of the peach saying
"We were here first"
I think I love things more
Once they start falling apart
Makes them honest

My head says
"Leave before the floor disappears
Before you wake up
With nothing but splinters
And a mouth full of questions
You already know the answer to"
My heart says
"Wait
He’s just tired
He’s just busy
He’s just trying to find the words"
Hasn’t he had enough time?
“I don’t know”
It’s a language you’ve
Decided to live in
While I’m translating
Myself into nothing
My spine folds in
My ribs start counting the days
Without you in them
I try to remember your voice
Without the hesitation
But all I hear is the pause before
“I don’t know”
I’m holding the door open for
Someone who can’t even
Look at the room
I’m swallowing glass
Calling it patience
And every piece cuts deeper
When I tell myself you’re worth it
My head says
"This isn’t love anymore
This is erosion
This is weathering yourself down
To fit a space that’s already empty"
My heart says
"No
Remember his hands
Remember the way he made the world Small enough to hold
Remember how you’d do it all again"
I think about next week
The way you’ll look at me
And say it again
And my chest will cave
And my eyes will sting
And maybe that’s the last time
Or maybe I’ll let it be another

"I don’t know"

"I don’t know"

"I don’t know"

And it’s killing me that
Neither do you

The air is too close
Thick
Wet
Pressing against my teeth
I jump

Once

Twice

Again

Harder

Harder

My knees crack
My spine bites itself
The world doesn’t move
Mud on my skin
Mud in my skin
Pulling me down
Pulling me in
Shadows lean forward
Like they know
Like they’ve been waiting
My breath isn't breath anymore
It's claws
Fists
Fire in a glass jar
And I’m breaking inside it
I jump

Again

Again

Again

One more jump
One more chance
The air thickens
My chest is glass due to shatter
And it hits me

I am not moving
I have never moved
I will never move

I drink the night in drops so black
Tar drips down my splintered cracks
Lips that beg but never bite
For mercy’s hand
For one clean night
It settles in
Digs its claws
Whispers rot where voices pause
Drowning quiet in heavy dusk
It fills my marrow
Turns to rust
Solid shadows
Splintered bone
I’m breathing still
But not my own
Smoke curls sharp like serpent’s teeth
Echoes writhe beneath my grief
The air collapses
The pulse caves in
My lungs become a coffin's skin
It hardens deep
Nails me shut
No door to break
No light to cut
Only night
Only stone
Only death while I live alone

I fold my edges sharp and clean
A paper crane you’ve never seen
I glide through rooms
I speak in tune
I shine
I gleam
Your perfect moon
But the mirror cracks when I exhale
A breath too real
A breath too frail
Smoke and mirrors
That’s my skin
Love me untill I let you in
Then I’m the shadow
The ghost
The sin
Fractured skin
I can't win
I laugh in keys you’ll understand
I shape my world with careful hands
A chiseled smile
A painted hue
The me you love is never true
The paint peels back
It stains my nails
You see the colours that I kept veiled

I built you a bridge
With my bare hands
you torched it to ashes
Just to watch it stand
I gave you a map
You tossed it away
You cry for the road
But won’t walk today
I’ve seen this scene
I know the score
The same excuses
Scattered on the floor
Your story spins
A revolving door
You won’t pull through
So why should I do
what you refuse to?
Keep your hollow yells
And problems stacked like
Dominos that never fell
You beg for a lifeline
While you sink
I reach out my hand
You let it slip
I’m not your saviour
Nor your saint
I can’t carry all your weight
You’re the villain in your tale
And I won’t fix what you derail

I found a staircase carved into thunder
Each step a tooth pulled from sleeping beasts
The air tasted of copper
And half-remembered hymns
I climbed until my name fell off my shoulders
And rolled back into the darkness like a coin
Mirrors waited
Cracked and sighing with old weather
And when I reached for one
It bit my hand
A lantern swung from the jawbone of a tree
Older than remorse
Moths gathered like ash in my mouth
And taught me to speak
In vanished dialects
Even the silence had a pulse
I tried to pray once
But the sky folded its arms
Every word transformed into wolves
Who wouldn't approach me
The horizon was a wound stitched with lightning
Far below
Cities slept in the stomachs of drowned bells
Their windows flickering with dreams left unclaimed
I wanted to wake them
But my hands resembled rivers
And everything I touched forgot its shape
By dawn
I had grown antlers made of frost
And a mouth full of rain
The staircase ended in nothing
Except the sound of wings
Turning to glass