I can't eat.
You think that I'm stupid,
But it's no small feat
Because though I can feel my stomach shrinking inside me,
I am stuck on repeat,
Starving, ignoring, forgetting
Yanking with this sharp leash
Saying don't eat
Don't eat
Don't eat.
Because maybe then I'll have some control.
Or the ugly will go away.
Maybe the black, consuming pain
In my heart,
Will finally turn to gray.

I dreamt of you again last night, I've felt
more of your kisses in my dreams than
in real life.
Does that make them any less real?

I find the pit in my stomach
and the tears running down my face.
I feel the tearing of my heart
and the pressure on my soul.

If only I could find a way
to paint a happy girl.
Then I could paint that ******* me
and become the thing you desire.

Instead I find the darkest pit
and fall in to it's comforting blanket.
To show myself the darkest corners
and wish for just a match.

To fall is to be alone and jump
without you there to pull me back.
I can't show you my blackened soul
unless you understand the consequence.

I want to kick and scream and cry until you understand what you have done to me. The way you hurt me. So you know I took your promise seriously. I thought you meant your words. But I gave it all too quickly. So I sit silently praying that my silence speaks volumes into your deafened soul.

September 11 2001

As a little girl in grade two
he sat next to me at school.
I always liked him.
no much more than that.
Later in high school
we walked home together.
He would carry my books.
At graduation he was my date.
We even went to college together.
That was when we broke the chains
of friendship and he became my lover.
My first and only love.

We married young
it was no surprise
to our parents
they were expecting it.
Before I knew it
we had three kids.
Two girls and a boy.
Our son looks just like him.

It was just like any other day
He came home from work
Cooked burgers on the barbeque.
We got the kids to bed
drank a glass of wine
went to bed at ten.

He wanted to make love
but I was exhausted
the kids had been terrors all day.
The next day he kissed me goodbye
With a see you later honey.

I got a call from my friend
She said put on the TV
I saw the towers fall
Turning to ashes
Like my life did that moment.
All I could think was
I wish I had made love
to him last night.

September 11 2015

The children are all grown up now
He would be so proud of them.
I look at my strong handsome son.
He looks like him exactly
We stand at ground zero
and say a prayer.

I whisper it was always you honey
Only you.
As if by magic he answered me
A giant beautiful rainbow
Circled over New York
And I know for sure
it was for me.

Fell in love once but never again
When that person left they took my heart from within
Falling in love with them was a feeling I can't explain
Falling in love them was the sweetest pain
Falling in love with them bought me joy and happiness
Falling in love with them bought me pain and tears
Falling in love with them was something I never expected
But ****, I'd do it all again and focus on the parts of their love I neglected
Cause falling in love happens rarely
But I'll voluntarily give my love to you to fall for again
Cause falling in love bought more good than bad
But one couldn't forget the other ones past so falling in love was outta the question
But somehow I still fell in love with you
The dumbest yet smartest thing I could ever do
And if I had the chance to fall in love again
Id still pick you because cause to me our
love was the perfect 10