indeed I am a smart ***
I see through the *******
and am not afraid to throw it back when it's slung my way

my sarcastic nature
allows me to laugh
at things that might otherwise be painful
it's also a helpful tool
to disarm fools
who try to make me believe their lies

my feeling on people
is based on trial and error
and life experience

I find that the truth is
you can generally assume that for the most part
most people
are thinking of themselves

their true motives are hidden by their words
or actions
when you really

look

and

learn

you then realize people
manipulate each other for self gain

when someone is making you feel zapped
you are being
used
one way or another

protect your temple

whoa whoa whoa
hold up
love addiction in progress
exit to the left
wave goodbye
to rational thought
buckle in buttercup
this ride has highs that feel like
20 hot rails
like getting away from the police when they gave chase and you're riding
hot as ****
it takes you to bliss but watch out for the tail
that fall from ten stories high that withdrawal
I internally panic and do nothing to avoid
the craving
the need
the unrelenting urge to reengage and get another hit
to avoid that 4am empty as a shell feeling
like
the whole world
caved in on itself
and
your ego is dying by eating itself alive
I play this game and tell myself
not
this
time
but it is exactly
when those two words form
in my thoughts
that my head feels
like the mind of ten psychotics spouting word salad  
at full volune
all at once
cognitive dissonance is a *****
oh hell yes the pleasure is exquisite but the pain is
the pain
the death knell
that sweet little reaper
that comes to gather the pieces of your heart spilled on the inside of your Honda civic because you're practical afterall

Nothing to see here
Keep it moving

I sought all knowledge
Gained wisdom through pain
Lived life as I wanted
Thinking I was free
I can't regret
All my mistakes
I can only embrace
The wisdom I've gained
It was worth the price of admission
Peace I've finally found
A calm soul
Something like serenity
What freedom
To live without hate

awaken, awaken
I commit
to higher levels of consciousness
expecting bliss
and today
as the dawn within me rises
I see
that
in
awakening
my ego grieves
while the watcher watches
ascending to me
means
to become lowly
I used to think it meant to become elevated
I had it wrong
it's to become lowly
the great peace and tranquility I experience
comes through
humility

Take me to the land before time
Take me to the land before judgment
Take me to the place in the city where my soul can run free
Take me to the place before thought
Take me to infinity, swimming in the ocean
Take me to that place before time.

awaken awaken
I commit  expecting bliss
today
the dawn within me rose like a million rays of sunshine
awakening for me is seeing, clearly
my ego grieves as it peeks into the shadow self
observer consciousness watcher watching it all, detached, sweet relief to watch the pain
ascending for me
is to be lowly
the great peace and tranquility I experience
comes through the humility of seeing my humanity without delusion
grateful now
for finding a new purpose for those disowned parts of self and past actions
words to remind me
for when I inevitably step back into the delusion
of self and start buying my own ******* again

rehab
taught me how to think differently
it
didn't
teach me to think critically
only
poured on
new
dogma
better than the old dogma
but still dogma
is there such a thing as GOOD dogma?

free thinkers aren't allowed
you might expose
the truth
the true power
is to relinquish your power
give up your throne
to control is oppression
like a gun to your head
you'll soon end up dead
accepting what's handed
allowing the abuse
to plant a seed of doubt
in your truth
those who condemn
could be said to be the truly guilty

My future days are my past dreams manifested
standing behind a pane of glass

inhaling the wisdom of sages
has the future come to pass?

time is meaningless now
as all times coincide
and can be entered like a room down the hall

tapping into the universal mind
riding the wave towards an infinite now

never ending, never beginning
all that is and will ever be

at this moment
lies everything
or nothing

seek nothing
then you have
everything

acceptance of the futility
of
fighting
the laws of nature.

the eternal quest
for happiness
resides within
seeking a life without pain
is to
seek death
to live is
to feel
all
the bad, the good
the boring moments
learning to embrace
the
ugly

free will
a free gift
we freely **** up
the choice to
decide
between good and bad
free will
causes all of our misery
in many ways it seems
we we've lost our ability
to be free

some days I go about
as if everything is holy
holy is the wind
holy is the smile on the cashier's face
holy is
holy
other days I go about
and think
god, who?
who is this god, and why do I think with such reverence
upon a being that does not exist
this is not holy, this is ****
such is the life
of an athiest
who had a conversion
she did not
want.

Summon she that burns within
Fierce shamaness, the goddess divine
The blessed witch & the evil ******
bear her forth unto this plane
She who calls the wind
She that leads the fire
Intent.
Intent.
Intent,
She that is, eternal quest, divine union.
The yin, the yang, the monad within the circle of light
She that is the circle.
She that is the light.
That is within.
That is.
Is.

I work where people yell at you, curse you
call you a *******

Many lie, cheat, steal, cry, fight, ****, manipulate and con.
Most are hateful and angry; argue everything.
Many are petty criminals
All or most are drunks or addicts
A lot are prostitutes
Some are politicians
Others poets
And Moms

They threaten
Complain
Can be self centered

But I'd have it no other way
These are my people
These people are me

God bless the drunks in all their stunning, brazen beauty
There is a raw honesty in a person with nothing to lose
That is one of the most beautiful things
I have ever seen

Do not blink or whisper
instead SCREAM with eyes wide open
in discovery of my suffering
is all
self created

I'm addicted to pain and sorrow
not used to joy
it frightens me, yet entices me
as if
I somehow desire it
yet
like a cat
I come slowly
unsure
if it can be trusted

knowing too
that eventually I'll grab it with both hands
screaming with joy

left to my own devices I do well
they say that addicts
make no right choices

I disagree
perhaps all the things I've done
teach me
what I need to know

no weirdness allowed
you must appear normal at all times
do not behave
be average at all costs
******* METER ALERT
warning con job in process
proceed to your nearest exit
do not get dressed
do not show love
stay within yourself
and get outside for awhile
morse code secret code
symbolic to nothing
nothing being everything
hidden reasons
are clearly seen
when you are in a state of reality
that which appears one way
is a veil to infinite possibilities.

awaken oh light inside
step aside
into a new consciousness
joy of spirit
is
within
look not anywhere
but
inside
the love
of
all
loves
resides there
and always has

Shooting Star
Queen of Heaven
Hail Mary
Full of Grace

Oh Goddess immortal
Isis incarnate
High Priestess
Fallen Angel

Bring us your light
Let it shine bright
Into out hearts
Clean away the dark nights

Lift us up to heaven above
Transmute the pain
Into love

Oh Mother God
show us how to live
Empower us with your grace
bless us

To hate or to fear is to be psychologically ill
public office is the last refuge of the incompetent
dreams are rudiments of the great state to come
we dream
what
is
about
to
happen

caught up in the mix
sniffing out my fix
to feed these demons in my head
years of being spun
still I'm not dead

spinning on this endless ride
deep inside the real me hides
I deny the truth it hurts too much
I'm in love with my denial
it makes the sting of unfulfilled desires go away

I'm waiting for my ashes
to be dropped into the bay

wonder if I'll ever learn
this devil inside
is my only obstacle
like to blame instead
**** it, anyways
it's just in my head

a breathing corpse
is what I've become
my soul is dead

as I pretend to think
written in ink
cleverly disguised
all of my
senseless alibis

dreaming of the day
the good lord takes me away
life everlasting
sounds alright
as long as it's not
like these nights
lost in the drama of a user's a paranoia

I'm pulled down into the pit
this abyss of
demons
losers
users
criminals
of every sort
all completely consumed
by their disease

as we all slowly march to our destiny

prison, death, or mental ward
one way dead end
lifestyle
is what I've become
lie to myself
in self-pity delusions
ain't life grand?

lie to myself some more
life is such a bore
yeah yeah yeah

my soul is earthen
my heart is red
I once was dead
am now reborn
on this path
That I have well worn
seeking to escape
from the prison in my mind
my thoughts are  the only
chains that bind

Nothing matters.
Therefore, everything matters.

The world is devoid of meaning,
except for the meaning we give it.

Whatever we do, whatever transpires,
all is an act of

*holiness.

We are creators, we are the ones who create.
We are He, we are She, we are all, we are none.


All is change.
Permanence is found in impermanence.
There is no death.
Only a change in form.

I sit and ride the wave.

the deeper the pain
the greater the healing

just like every night
turns to day
every problem and pain
has a solution
(even if it's only accepting there is no solution)

a new dawn
through every dark spot
each miserable moment
the sun will still rise
the cycle will still flow

without the bad
we couldn't appreciate the good
to understand the good
is to have known the bad

some of the gifts
my pain
my ally
has brought me

I'm  worried because I have no worries
I'm afraid cuz
I have no fears
I spin in circles
cuz I never get nowhere
when I wake up
I'm still sleeping
I'm so ugly
I'm in the hall of fame
and for that I feel no shame
I met the real me and then
she ran away

cheapest, most insidious
effective form of oppression is internal.
It can be achieved when someone goes all the way inside
your soul
and throws out your self respect (self-love)
through repeated abusive tactics
both hidden and obvious
this is the foundation of all kinds of oppression.

this is what experience has taught me.

setting others free by forgiving them means
setting
yourself
free

resentment is really a form of attachment.
I freely forgive everyone
in the course of a day
should a thought of a grievance
or resentment come up
I bless the offender briefly
and dismiss the thought.

the underlying cause of all my troubles has always been fear.

**** fear
**** resentment.
I need a free heart
without burden
to wander and roam the landscape
laughing

The cathedral isn't in Rome
or the church on Mission Hill
Or even the earth

the cathedral is the soul
the inner being, behind the chatter of the mind

inside of me dwells all
that
is
and
all
that isn't

we can't find what we seek
outside of ourselves
only by looking within

does the seeker
meet the sought after

my timeless soul
my
true self
the mystery of nature
the veil
I learn there is nothing new to learn
only higher states of consciousness
I seek
to get back
to my god self
good self
I am
I am
I am
lost as ****.

your sickness
is my disease

your sickness
is the same as mine

your sickness
is hurting others

and only thinking of yourself

you don't see

that

your

self-hatred

causes you to hurt me

your hate of self
is the disease that plagues humanity
if I don't stop hating myself
I will continue to hurt you
who wants to go first

The smell of sage burning
The quietude of a mind in meditation
Hearing the voice of my soul within
That deepest part of me arise
Heart chakra visualization
All is alive
Unified with the great mystery
My troubles fall away from me
And once again
Serenity

everything under the sun
has a shadow
my brother the hawk
my sister the tree
myself this spirit am I
put into form
on my journey
I walk forward
on my path
to the great infinity
beyond time
the tree is me
I am the tree
we are one
as is everything under the sun

tonight looking at the stars
it occurred to me that
each star represents people who have died and ascended into their heavenly home
they were up there looking down on me
while I looked up at them
my loved ones
who have passed on to the other side
I miss you
thanks for the light though

Happy, sad
It’s all a mixed bag
Based on my current state of mind

My interior landscape
I can’t escape
So how am I choosing
To feel on this day

Today I’m choosing
To party with my pity
I am so sad
And everywhere I look
I find evidence
Proving it’s true
As to why I’m so blue

Slowly the dawning
The light in my mind
Clearing through the storm clouds
Cleansing my mind

I’m beginning to see
That my reality
Reflects only me
My thoughts, my beliefs
Are what’s coloring my reality

I see a ray of sunshine
I grab it with both hands
Next thing I know
I’m in another land

Peace and serenity
Joy and oneness
As I tune in
To my inner love

gripped in the illusion
I create my own delusion
sometimes having a choice
is too much **** work
it's far more easy
to endlessly complain
and blame
my state of mind
on
YOU.

Infinity in my mind
Beyond all space and time
Here in the moment of non moments
I seek nothing
Yet desire everything
Seer of the future, it plays in my mind
Dreamer of aspects I've yet to find
The laws of nature of one and all
In my DNA
And
That is all.

breathe in the truth
exhale false teachings
logically speaking
it's just common sense
do not fear to think
the thought police are not real
they are a mental construct
your freedom is reliant
on letting yourself
out of
the prison
of your own mind.

Today I was the river
I felt my soul melt in the water
I became the water
I am the water
I felt my being-ness dissolve
Into complete oneness
“I” disappeared
Felt my spirit
Reunify with the truth of who it was
Which is everything
I was the river
I saw as the river sees
I held silence and observed
A quiet place within me
Where time does not exist
A peace so deep that
It melted me.

I sit, breathe in
eyes closed
feel my breath in my lungs
notice my eyes open and hands reach for the computer
remember I'm meditating and close them again, pulling my hands back to my lap
breathe again
listen to the neighbors chit chat outside my window
the sound of which has no meaning and is only melodious like birds singing
breathe out
phone rings
all of 15 seconds I could meditate
now it's time for more chronic busyness
doing absolutely nothing
ahhhhh

behind my mask
I'm in here way down deep
I hide the soft spots
A walking contradiction
that makes sense
as they are all fully me
*****. idealist. mother.
lady. *****. child.
******.
all me
the ****** *****
the angelic urchin
the ability
to see
that my
complexities
are vastly universal
as if the entire human race
resides within me

I am the crow
which rolls walnuts from your roof
I wear the morning star as my crown
I haven't had a proper shower since last month

and I don't care.

diaries from a tweaker living in her Lincoln Towncar.

the soul of Mother Nature
I am a natural born hater
I seek justice and freedom
a life of no illusions
and
no cops to harass me.

if you try to tame me
I will resist until death
if you let me be free
and encourage me to fly
eventually I will see
the wisdom of landing
on my own accord

I am not yours to tame, control or change
your only hope of changing me
is to let me fly freely
to allow the universe itself to teach me
in the natural order of things

your best hope is to love me
just as I am
enjoy me while I'm here
for in trying to control or change me
is like trying to **** my soul
which no-thing can do
you cannot contain me
I now fly free

mindless mindset
keeps reality homogenized
**** on this rose colored glass
sip some delusion

the pains of my broken heart
dancing to my death

this circular path
so well worn
like a caged bear
at the zoo

wish I could say I been
nobody's fool
but it ain't the case

so I'll take another ****
on my smoke
and put it all behind me.

where chaos is made
where you get confused
BEWARE
it's a sign of hidden motives
subconsciously, consciously
whatever
anything that causes chaos
is telling you
of a most certain
treachery
tread lightly and carry a big stick.

Driving down Highway 10
Destination anywhere
Lost in ourselves
We lived without hearts
The living dead
Cruisin' along
Searching for a fix
Dreaming of come ups
And perfect crimes
Hit the gas
Hit the pipe
Reality didn't exist
We were gods
Or so we thought
No guilt, no shame

this is the death of cool
past times are gone
all that remains are memories
that scorch when touched
letting go of everything
burning the field
face reality and get set free
I heard the voice of wisdom call my name
been running away all these years
been thinking I had to atone for the sin of my past, for the sin of existing
when all along I've been wound up in a belief system that's not my own
I am set free now
to create a life of my own design
free
no more self flagellation
no more guilt only the present moment
only this eternal now

the death of cool
it's the birth of me