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  Aug 2018 Xaela San
Jon-Paul Smith
The condo's not the same now that she's gone.
The dolls and toys they, strewn across the floor,
Seem lifeless now. Their absent voices sound
On the walls that are quieter than before

But toys are quiet anyway. The dust
Of doors that slam won't echo in this pall
Nor the pitter patter of her little feet
Nor the cries of "Daddy! Daddy!" in the hall

That rang like joy of birds that have not yet
Grown wings enough to take into the skies.
The kitten that has grown does not forget
Her fairy voice nor the swift time that flies.

Every time I see her she grows tall.
While the world at large is spinning like a ball.
Xaela San Aug 2018
Let me tell you a secret nobody knows

I'm insecure, I hate myself, I don't see myself pretty, I'm a mess
Mess up in the head
Standing in front of you, my mind keeps on running and running and running away
From logic and reason I wish I have now

I'm under this great pressure I made myself
I can't lift it up, it just keep on, in on, in on crashing every faith in myself
and chain every part of me
Blinding my eyes
Sealing my mouth
Killing me slowly inside
And I can't breath seeing my reflection in the mirror
I'm sick of it

I keep on saying, I keep on screaming
I keep on crying, I keep on wishing
I keep on praying to be like them
but even the shooting star can't change that

How do you run from what's in your head?

I can't free myself from my insecurities
I'm embarrassed, I've become a mess, I've become a hater
It keeps on destroying myself inside
and I can't take it out of my mind

Every second, every minute, every moment of my life
Is slowly becoming something my jealousy made
I started to hate myself
I started to hate the people I'm jealous of

Because I want to be like them  
Pretty, Confident, Intelligent, Proud and Shinning
Everything I ever wanted, but I can never be like them, I can never be them
I'm like an unfit puzzle piece of the society I want to fit in

My jealousy, my insecurities made me into someone I despise
Hatred for myself runs in my veins
Everything I stand for just disappeared into the oblivion
like bubbles disappearing  into the thin air

And I'm becoming trap in my own twisted world without realizing it
As it drowns me, pulling me with its current to the darkness of my tainted mind
Its just a matter of time I might breakdown

Everyday I keep on telling myself be strong, be strong, be strong
stop being insecure, but I don't have the strength to do it
I don't have the courage to tell it to my friends, to my family
I'm dying inside- I want them to see through me
and when I lie - I'm fine they'll believe it without a doubt

I want to share it to the world, but I can't help myself to lie, to push everyone away - I've become a fool
I know it sounds crazy, I myself don't know why
I just want people to realize I need help without me telling them

I want them to save me from my own tainted mind full of insecurities

I want you to save me from my own tainted mind full of insecurities

Can you do it?
Because I can't.
This is my spoken poetry piece... And im not sure if this is correct... This is my first time writing it...
  Aug 2018 Xaela San
japheth
the sound of rain
always calms me
—it drowns out my anxiety.

starting from the roof of my head,
carrying any doubts that get stuck on my skin
gently moves it course through
my arms,
my stomach,
my legs,
and
trickles all the bad memories
down to the gutters of my toes.

the sound of rain
even without it
touching me,
it calms me.

what more
if i went out
and had myself drenched
will i feel it on the outside too?
it’s raining again
  Aug 2018 Xaela San
Lyn-Purcell
Sometimes the worst of our enemies
is our own reflection
We can be our greatest ally and enemy.
  Aug 2018 Xaela San
Lyn-Purcell
The truth has no need for defence,
only lies do.
No matter what, the truth will find its way and soar.
Lyn ***
  Aug 2018 Xaela San
JcA
You are simply beyond description.

For a definition is but a collection of words, and those words are just letters working together to tell a story.

But your laugh takes me on an adventure through worlds undiscovered. Your eyes are deep oceans filled with tales of past shipwrecks before you realized that you were the treasure. Your heartbeat is a symphony composed in a melody that only we know.  

So while describing you is this fool's errand, I know mere words will never completely capture you.

For words are just letters working together to be beautiful, and you are more beautiful than any group of words can ever hope to be.
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