It feels like only yesterday,
Like it wasn’t faraway.
I got ******,
No more rubber band on my wrist.

“I’ll be fine”,
Bottom line.
I’ll cope,
No need for a rope.

“I love you”,
But you don’t love me when I’m blue.
When I get sad,
You get mad.

When I get hurt,
You help me with dirt.

But no,
I'll let you make me your foe.
When you get sad,
I’ll become like a dad.

I’m always here for you,
Whether or not you’re blue.
But when you want me to cry,
It makes me want to die.

I felt something off
You write my concerns off with a scoff.
I think I’m not okay
And your response is to stay away

You left without a second glance
And left me alone in this dance

You apologize
But all I hear are your lies
You try so hard
To get me to let down my guard

But you broke me
And for a while I couldn’t see
Its been months since November
But I still remember

You attacking me through text
You left me vexed
I sobbed so hard
But now I see I’m just another card

Another pawn in your game
Another name you can claim
Another person you can manipulate
My heart still won’t regulate

I think deep down it wasn’t your fault
You didn’t mean your verbal assault
But the texts prove it
That I was just a bit

Just a pawn in your game
Just someone you could crop out of the frame
But I can’t do this anymore
I'm slamming the door

You meant so much,
And I still crave your touch.
But I need to let myself heal,
By letting myself feel.

“It's just one time”
It won’t happen for a lifetime.
Lies I say
They’ll never see the light of day

“I’m full”
“I can’t eat another spoonful”
That's what I tell them
“Just a white lie”

No more lies
Just more “tries”
I don’t them to worry
So I must be wary

I need them to be okay
I can’t see them all gray
“I’m getting better guys”
Only clear skies

If they’re okay I’m okay
If I’m okay are they okay?
Once I finally fix me
We’ll all be free

Or will we…?

My alarm rings
It stings
Why do I have to get up
I want my coffee in my cup

I go to school
And remember I’m not “cool”
I don’t fit in
I feel like I’m in someone else's skin

I say it every day
When I feel my body start to sway
“I love myself”
But do I?

We all act like someone we aren’t
We’re all so blunt
I hear everyone say “Love yourself”
But do I love myself?

I’d love to pretend
But I always feel like I’ll bend
About to snap like my rubber band
Struggling just to stand

But I’ll always pretend
This isn’t the end

I’m the problem,
I know you want me out of your system.
I can see it in your eyes,
You’re hiding under your disguise.

I know how you feel,
I can’t believe this is real.
I thought we would be here for life,
But we didn’t even reach close to midlife.

You say you don’t hate me,
But you’d leave me to drown at sea.
The water freezing,
MUffling my pleading.

I’ll beg for forgiveness,
Like I’m a deadly illness.
You’ll wish me dead,
Your hate making you see red.

But it’s fine,
I’ll still shine.
You’ll act unaffected,
LIke the bullets were deflected.

So what are we now?
Do you want me to take a bow?
Do you want me to run out crying?
Or do you simply want me dying?

Am I insane?
For wanting out of this pain?
I feel so twisted
For wanting everyone to forget I ever existed

I want to start fresh
I want to rip off my flesh
I hate being in my skin
It feels like I’m committing a sin

All I want is a new life
I want to stab mine with a knife
I hate my desires
I want to light them with fires

I hate what people think of me
But what would they think if they saw the real me
Would they scream?
They definitely wouldn’t beam.

I know I’m not perfect
I know I’m not worth it
I won’t blame them for leaving
I mean I’m the one being deceiving

I care so much
And I feel a hunch
That you don’t care as much
It makes me feel like I need a crutch

I care so ******* much
One might say I care “too ******* much”
But I don’t care
Finding someone like you is rare

That's what I thought
But you left me to rot
I don’t get it
Why did you throw me in this pit?

What the **** did I do to deserve this?
Why did you make my life such a twisted abyss?
I know I’m not perfect
But is this the final verdict?

Have I been sentenced to life without you?
Can I not sue?
Can I not fight this sentence?
Time is of the essence

Can you please explain
Why did you make me feel so much pain?
How did I **** it up?
Why’d you slam the door?

I must’ve ****** it up
That's why you leave me on ignored
Can you please come back,
And not attack?

I sound like a crazy ex
Which of us makes this feel so complex?
It's just a simple misunderstanding
Why does it feel so reprimanding?

Why did you target me,
Not the other three?
What did I do to deserve this ****?
Did it have to end with this split?

Can I at least get an apology
You broke my heart that's basic biology
If anyone's guilty it's you
Not me and the crew

Don’t make it seem like its my fault
Stop it with the salt
It's like you’re rubbing it on my wounds
Don’t feed me to the hounds

Can I just get that
Just a simple chat
Where you confess
To starting this mess

To dragging it out of proportion
To causing this distortion

I hear it call my name,
But this isn’t just a game.
I feel it in my throat,
But I can’t let myself bloat.

Water once clean,
Now green.
This is my cycle,
But nothing is getting recycled.

Rinse repeat,
But I can’t eat.
I feel agony,
But at least I don’t feel gluttony.

I fear it,
But this is legit.

But I know when the time comes,
And I feel my heart pound onto my lungs.
I’ll run back,
Into my self made trap.

I’ll feel my stomach drop,
With no intent of making it stop.
I’ll fall back in,
Like trash into a bin.