I hear it call my name,
But this isn’t just a game.
I feel it in my throat,
But I can’t let myself bloat.

Water once clean,
Now green.
This is my cycle,
But nothing is getting recycled.

Rinse repeat,
But I can’t eat.
I feel agony,
But at least I don’t feel gluttony.

I fear it,
But this is legit.

But I know when the time comes,
And I feel my heart pound onto my lungs.
I’ll run back,
Into my self made trap.

I’ll feel my stomach drop,
With no intent of making it stop.
I’ll fall back in,
Like trash into a bin.

Am I insane?
For wanting out of this pain?
I feel so twisted
For wanting everyone to forget I ever existed

I want to start fresh
I want to rip off my flesh
I hate being in my skin
It feels like I’m committing a sin

All I want is a new life
I want to stab mine with a knife
I hate my desires
I want to light them with fires

I hate what people think of me
But what would they think if they saw the real me
Would they scream?
They definitely wouldn’t beam.

I know I’m not perfect
I know I’m not worth it
I won’t blame them for leaving
I mean I’m the one being deceiving

“It's just one time”
It won’t happen for a lifetime.
Lies I say
They’ll never see the light of day

“I’m full”
“I can’t eat another spoonful”
That's what I tell them
“Just a white lie”

No more lies
Just more “tries”
I don’t them to worry
So I must be wary

I need them to be okay
I can’t see them all gray
“I’m getting better guys”
Only clear skies

If they’re okay I’m okay
If I’m okay are they okay?
Once I finally fix me
We’ll all be free

Or will we…?

It feels like only yesterday,
Like it wasn’t faraway.
I got ******,
No more rubber band on my wrist.

“I’ll be fine”,
Bottom line.
I’ll cope,
No need for a rope.

“I love you”,
But you don’t love me when I’m blue.
When I get sad,
You get mad.

When I get hurt,
You help me with dirt.

But no,
I'll let you make me your foe.
When you get sad,
I’ll become like a dad.

I’m always here for you,
Whether or not you’re blue.
But when you want me to cry,
It makes me want to die.

I felt something off
You write my concerns off with a scoff.
I think I’m not okay
And your response is to stay away

You left without a second glance
And left me alone in this dance

You apologize
But all I hear are your lies
You try so hard
To get me to let down my guard

But you broke me
And for a while I couldn’t see
Its been months since November
But I still remember

You attacking me through text
You left me vexed
I sobbed so hard
But now I see I’m just another card

Another pawn in your game
Another name you can claim
Another person you can manipulate
My heart still won’t regulate

I think deep down it wasn’t your fault
You didn’t mean your verbal assault
But the texts prove it
That I was just a bit

Just a pawn in your game
Just someone you could crop out of the frame
But I can’t do this anymore
I'm slamming the door

You meant so much,
And I still crave your touch.
But I need to let myself heal,
By letting myself feel.

Do you remember
The last time you ate ice cream without feeling the need to surrender?
The last time you stepped on a scale
Without the number determining whether you pass or fail?

Do you remember
The last time you truly smiled without it feeling dismembered?
The last time you felt true joy and delight
Without you and your face having a fight?

Do you remember
The last time you got mad and didn’t get yelled at for your “temper?”
When were were young and naive
Without the fear of how you’re perceived?

I doubt it.
But now you find any excuse to jump into the pit.
You constantly spiral,
Not thinking about you’re survival.

The devil has many appearances,
And we all think we see him on certain occurrences.
The devil doesn’t have red eyes or horns,
He isn’t a rose full of thorns.

It could be your ex best friend,
That you thought was such a godsend.
It could be an abusive parent,
That was the exact opposite of transparent.

The truth is we don’t know who he is,
We can’t ace that quiz.
He could be right in front of us,
And some of us wouldn’t even cause a fuss.

The devil
Some might say he’s the final level
The final piece in the puzzle
That one thing that causes us to struggle

But for all we know one of us could be the devil
We might not be rebels


Some say he hides in plain sight
With all his might
But others say he stays away in his domain
Waiting to cause pain

But we’ll never know
So let’s not spoil the show

I care so much
And I feel a hunch
That you don’t care as much
It makes me feel like I need a crutch

I care so ******* much
One might say I care “too ******* much”
But I don’t care
Finding someone like you is rare

That's what I thought
But you left me to rot
I don’t get it
Why did you throw me in this pit?

What the **** did I do to deserve this?
Why did you make my life such a twisted abyss?
I know I’m not perfect
But is this the final verdict?

Have I been sentenced to life without you?
Can I not sue?
Can I not fight this sentence?
Time is of the essence

Can you please explain
Why did you make me feel so much pain?
How did I **** it up?
Why’d you slam the door?

I must’ve ****** it up
That's why you leave me on ignored
Can you please come back,
And not attack?

I sound like a crazy ex
Which of us makes this feel so complex?
It's just a simple misunderstanding
Why does it feel so reprimanding?

Why did you target me,
Not the other three?
What did I do to deserve this ****?
Did it have to end with this split?

Can I at least get an apology
You broke my heart that's basic biology
If anyone's guilty it's you
Not me and the crew

Don’t make it seem like its my fault
Stop it with the salt
It's like you’re rubbing it on my wounds
Don’t feed me to the hounds

Can I just get that
Just a simple chat
Where you confess
To starting this mess

To dragging it out of proportion
To causing this distortion

I’m the problem,
I know you want me out of your system.
I can see it in your eyes,
You’re hiding under your disguise.

I know how you feel,
I can’t believe this is real.
I thought we would be here for life,
But we didn’t even reach close to midlife.

You say you don’t hate me,
But you’d leave me to drown at sea.
The water freezing,
MUffling my pleading.

I’ll beg for forgiveness,
Like I’m a deadly illness.
You’ll wish me dead,
Your hate making you see red.

But it’s fine,
I’ll still shine.
You’ll act unaffected,
LIke the bullets were deflected.

So what are we now?
Do you want me to take a bow?
Do you want me to run out crying?
Or do you simply want me dying?

Hey god,
I know I’m quite odd.
I know I don’t fit in.
I don’t feel okay in my own skin.

Does everyone feel like this?
Is everyone in this abyss?
Or is this just me?
I feel the opposite of free.

I should be happy.
I shouldn’t be feeling ******.
I’m “fortunate,”
But I feel like I have nothing to celebrate.

I feel like I need help.
I don’t trust myself.
But therapy’s expensive,
And I’m too defensive.

My alarm rings
It stings
Why do I have to get up
I want my coffee in my cup

I go to school
And remember I’m not “cool”
I don’t fit in
I feel like I’m in someone else's skin

I say it every day
When I feel my body start to sway
“I love myself”
But do I?

We all act like someone we aren’t
We’re all so blunt
I hear everyone say “Love yourself”
But do I love myself?

I’d love to pretend
But I always feel like I’ll bend
About to snap like my rubber band
Struggling just to stand

But I’ll always pretend
This isn’t the end

It started as a joke,
Some harmless fun.
Then the air cleared from its smoke,
I no longer wanted to run.

What’s this new desire called?
I’ve never felt this way before.
My heart now feels loud and stalled;
This is something I can’t ignore.

This must be love,
I see her as a dove.
She lights up my world,
Where shadows curled.

Who am I?
Without the lies?
Who do I live for?
Can I be more?

Who am I when nobody’s watching?
Am I detaching?
When people aren’t seeing,
Am I fleeing?

Why do I have this constant need
To become what people need till I bleed?
Why can’t I live for myself
Instead of for themselves?

Why do I feel the need to lie?
Or feel the need to hide?
The need to protect myself from what?
The reason I keep the door shut.

I wish I knew
Why I’m so blue,
Why everything feels so strange,
Am I deranged?

I think I need help,
But nobody hears my yelp.
I’ll try to fix me,
Maybe I can finally be free.

I know I'm not pretty,
I don't want your pity.
I know I'm not hot,
I know I don't mean a lot.

I know I'm not masculine,
Do I need discipline?
I know people say they care but do they?
I don't believe a word they say.

I know I should be happy,
I should be grateful for what I have.
I shouldn't feel sappy,
I should act brave.

Would the world care if I died?
Or would they think I went to hide?
Would they care if I wasn't here tomorrow?
Would they feel even an ounce of sorrow?

None of my friends get it;
They all think I'm throwing a fit.
They don't know what its like to feel replaceable,
I don't feel embraceable.

I wish they understood.
I wish I could talk about it with the people I care about,
But they make me feel more misunderstood.
They ignore how my mind constantly fills with doubt.

What do I do?
I don't have a single clue,
A single match in this never ending darkness,
Please give me a harness.

My life, once so dull,
Now feels immensely full.
My worries are all gone,
We have so much fun at dawn.

My life, once so boring,
Is now soaring.
When I see her, my heart skips a beat,
I feel my body feel with heat.

She fills my life with joy,
And she never treats me like a toy.
I thought I'd never find love,
But she flew into my life like a dove.

She fills my life with peace.
My stress has found its release.
My life has been forever changed by a love so true,
All thanks to you.