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669 · Sep 2014
Dreams
PEARL SMOKE Sep 2014
As iGet Ready To Sleep
Close my Eye's
&
Laydown, The 1st Thought Appears
Then The image
And rolling tape, scenarios of me getting high
Lately Have Been Appearing. Feels realistic
And They Have me Feining. The Movements look so Amazing &
Deceiving
All this is trippig me.
669 · Sep 2014
why?
PEARL SMOKE Sep 2014
Why iS iT So Hard?
iJust Want To Drop iT All. The Past
And The Sickening
Memories.  My addictive mind
Cause iReminice About
It heavily.
Every day, every second iThink
About it
Just Crosses My mind not intentionally.
When iM Sad And Blue Racing Thoughts Start running
To me.
The High Life Part begins to trigger
Me, flashbacks
Of How it all was, twacked out
Plays nonstop
Im maintaing my sobriety but im
Worried my
Manipulative side mentality blinds me.
668 · Dec 2014
Not 1, Its Another
PEARL SMOKE Dec 2014
If iTs Not 1 Thing, iTs Another.
From A Bad Habit
To Another.
Both Solutions To Escape.
To Cope.
To Feel Better.
Self Harm Or Substance Abuse.
A Razor Blade
Or A Needle
Both Aiming For A Vein.
Suicide Or Overdose.
Which i Prefer Both.
I Wish i Never Turned To These.
Around The Time
It Was All That Was There For Me.
Seeing My Self
Turn To This
Make Me Feel worse
Such A Sad Thing
To Be Placed In Those Positions
Believing Thats
What Only Works.
Im ****** Up Mentality
The **** i Do
Make My Own Self Call Me Crazy.
I Just Want To
Be Happy.
Not Fake It
When Behind The Mask
I Feel Like Dieing.
Nobody Will Ever Understand How Deep My Pain is.
I Hate This.
659 · Sep 2014
iCant Recovery
PEARL SMOKE Sep 2014
i Genuinely Just Cant Cope
With Recovery
iTurn into This Tearful pathetic
Mess and get more
depressed.
Krazie How One Thing
Can Change Your llife Forever
iTs Like iKnow All The Right
Things to do
To maintain sober
Ijust cant apply them To myself
657 · Sep 2014
Fozen
PEARL SMOKE Sep 2014
The Sky iS Frozen
Money iS Falling, Green iN The Air.
Theres A Scream, A Screen
Can iT Be
Crystal Clear Flashing its self to me
How Could iT Be
Yes, its The Substance
iT Has Control Over Me, iT Owns Me
iAlready Gave iT My Soul
it Bought Me
iM iTs Slave, iTs Puppet
its Two Thousand Thirteen
2013
**** Hasnt Changed, iTake Rehab As A Game
iGained More Knowledge
iPledge To My Godess
Which iS The Evil The Crooked The Devil.
iM A fallen Angel iNlove with Crystal
656 · Sep 2014
LOVELIT
PEARL SMOKE Sep 2014
This Feeling iS So Amazing.
Youll LOVE IT
More Like Fall inlove and Become Sick Dope Sprung,
iKnow iDid.
Fell For iTs Blinded Tricks So Easily
iTll Greet You And Come To You Nice And Sweetly
A Rush
The Feel As iF You Just Accomplished More Than
100 Things At Once.
A Sunshine Glow
Euphoric Flow
633 · Jan 2018
ImNotbb [merg]
PEARL SMOKE Jan 2018
How can you believe
I’m happy  on one.
I Can’t laugh. I have no humor
Nothing interests me
My surroundings
don’t Currently exist.
What makes me happy
won’t impress me.
What I like won’t interest me .
I wish it was as easy as you view
I wish I had that mind set,
The way you tell me to just quit.
I wish I could forget all about it
like you insist.
Walk away from from my troubles
Move on from the past
& live for better .
You don’t see anything that’s interfering from letting go.
It’s just drugs, stop wanting it.
Stop thinking about it
Act like it was Never existent .
So easy the words float through u
I wish it was like that for me too.
Sadly it’s not Baby ..
I’m so sorry i can’t make it simple
I'm Unhappy When I'm sober.
I'm Unhappy On Drugs
I Feel Down Either Way.
1. I Feel The Reality Of Misery.
The emotions & thoughts That Run Through me.
2. All problems Are gone, I feel none. But I'm Struggling To Stay On.
Both Are Unhealthy, 1 is more deadly. & death is ok With me.
Merged Past short poems to 1.
Aug-dec
623 · Sep 2014
he's Asleep September 2014
PEARL SMOKE Sep 2014
iLove Him Dearly
His Sweet Scent Of Cologne He Sprays Around His Color Bone
Smells Dandy.
Right Now He's Sleeping, next To Me
Snoring softly.
His Cute Soft Face Pressed Comfly On A Pillow like Comfort
im Looking At Him As his eyes Are
Closed. And Tell myself
That im blessed to have him
He's Better & Wouldn't even trade Him For Gold.
My 6th Grade Crush id Stalk And Follow, Having my
Heart Sprung is Right Beside Me.
Never Imagined .
Id Actually End Up Becoming Something To Him 5 Years later.
My Dear Beloved <3
All Mine, All Mine, All Mine,
619 · Sep 2014
Girl
PEARL SMOKE Sep 2014
She Smiles, So Bright.
She Laughs, She Giggles, She Jokes.
She Frouns, So Low.
She Cries, She Screams And Throws.
She Waves, She Hugs.
She Plays, Shes Sweet And Talks.
She Pushs, She Goes insane.
She isolates, Left Alone, Danger Zone
She Goes Energetic Then Switchs into A Deep Depression. So Confusing
She Likes To Walk, Likes To write
She Has To Be Babysitted, Her Everymove Gets Closer and relapse
She's Full Of Happiness Shes Full of Light And Comfort. she's kind, Sweet And Respectful.
Shes Full Of Negative Surprises, Disappointment And Disasters.
She Needs To Get Her life Together.
618 · Jan 2018
Barbie4 [merg]
PEARL SMOKE Jan 2018
I’m not A normal Women.
I have issues That affect Not just me but my life entirely.
When I met You
Addiction was my only problem
You created Everything Els that causes daily doubts and arguments
I Was Once comfortable
In My own body.
like Everyone Els,
There are Things
I wish To Change Or have.
My Weight Didn't Bother me.
I didn't care about My physical Appearence much.
I Was Once Able To Go
A Full Month Without worrying About my looks.
until I Met You.
Everything Changed For me.
You Told me So Much.
Certain Likes,
Preferences & Dislikes.
What Your Taste in Women Are.
Hearing everything, I was far off.
Now Being Beautiful
is important to me.
Having A Smooth face, Slim Body *** And ****** Is What I feel I need To be Accepted And Liked.
Many Opportunties will Open And I will attract Friends.
Looking Beautiful In This World is The key To a happy life in my Eyes
Every Pretty Person I've seen
Is Happy with them self.
they have their Life together and living so well,
You are privileged in this world If You are goregeous.
It makes me cry
Every time I reach out for it.
I don't feel pleased When I'm about to Consume it.
It makes me feel horrible knowing I'm only doing this to forget the pain you put me through.
To Erase The memories .
How I wish I never went through this. Everyday I'm wishing I looked beautiful .
Light skin, well dressed, *** & big ****** like
You happily explained your type
All I Want is To Feel Happiness.
Go A Full Day Without Worrying About Nothing Naturally.
I Don't know how to See The beauty Life provides.
To Feel The Breeze And Have The sun Shine on me.
Went through My poems and deleted The short Ones.
I then Merged Them with another that’s similar .
615 · Aug 2017
It's calling me
PEARL SMOKE Aug 2017
I Can Hear Her calling.
She Senses My unhappiness.
She can feel My Misery.
She Used To Come Right over. Now, She doesn't have the power.
What she does is try to convince me From a distance.
She tells me Amazing Things.
She Reminds me of the good times We had and how good it felt.
Her words are powerful.
The more I listen, closer she gets.
Although She's very lovable And The bestest Friend you can have .
She's extremely evil.
She Slowly Tricks me into Letting her get closer To me.
I Now have control over that.
Back then i didn't.
As Soon as she called, I followed.
I Worked so hard to Not Be Able To Say yes And Hold back from playing with her Now.
But lately....
She's been Coming around more frequently . She tells me Everything I want to hear and It's becoming harder for me to Not listen. She's very smart .
For That reason, I'm worried.
I feel So unsure.
Do I relapse Or do I let it go ?
I've been Clean for 2yrs.
I did it on my own. Thankfully.
She Asks me If I'm sober, Then why am I still unhappy?
she Tells Me What's The point of being Sober And yet still sad ?
She reminds Me of the Satisfying feelings She Provides.
She Tells me "Why be Unhappy and Sober. When You can be Unhappy but feel amazing"
I have been feeling So tempted Lately. These arguments With my Bf Are Making me want to give up. they are giving me strong temptations. I can feel My Mind Weaken ..
Crystal ****.  Bestfriend amazing Drug better than family friends life and happiness.
606 · Sep 2014
Gets The Best Of Me
PEARL SMOKE Sep 2014
The Struggle Of
Being Dependent On A Substance.
Especially Stimulating Wise
Is So Difficult
My Negative Emotions Are What
Lead me to wanting to
Go and use.
To Get Away Relive
My Weaken Mind.
By Taking The Stress worries racing
Thoughts away
Dissapering Up in smoke
The Sad Feeling,
Every Time iFeel Blue
A Reminder Pops Up remembering
iHave A Cure to turn to.
Numbs Me All Completely
Since im addicted, idont get that first happy feeling, like idid in
The Beginning.
Makes All my pain and misery leave
Yes iknow, temporarily
As iConsume, its consuming
My Natural Happiness Permanently.
590 · Dec 2014
over already
PEARL SMOKE Dec 2014
When Will My Recovery Process End?
When Will Drugs Erase Completely Out of My Mind.
When Will Temptation stop
When Will i Stop Talking about it
When will i Stop.Writing about it
When Will i Stop Seeing it As the Solution To my problems
When Will i Stop
When Will I Stop Wanting it
When Will i Stop missing How it feels to be high.
When Will i Stop Having this bit of love i still carry.
586 · Jan 2018
One nine
PEARL SMOKE Jan 2018
How God Smilied bright
To see me sober from the sky
A beautiful 19.
I managed to stay clean all Year.
I broke the record .
14 15 16 17 18
Dear how that year my soul recovered.
I smiled so bright
Knowing everything from now on
Will shine .
A big relief.
I will never turn to tweak
I set free. Finally.
Thanks to my loving Companion
Who made sobriety possible.
My dog Mia.
For her I stood my ground
Held myself down
A dreamy 19 Drug free
My first year without drugs
571 · Sep 2014
September 19
PEARL SMOKE Sep 2014
Am iReally Done With This vicious
Death Cycle? Or
Will it Still Continue As My Sad Lonely Days Get Longer. iDk About it
iDont Plan To Relapse
But My Emotions And negative thoughts Are 1 of my triggers & There Getting Stonger, idont want to continue being a failure.
iJust Want to have the full power to battle All my frustration
And anger. To Help lower my depression and blue feels. iJust Hope iDont Fall, im tired of
Living The Addict life
535 · Jan 2018
empty hands
PEARL SMOKE Jan 2018
If he wants to believe
My love was never there.
I must accept
That all my tears were never seen
If he wants to believe
I never cared
I must accept that all my effort
went to waste.
In a life.
We encounter many interests.
In which we put ourselves to experience
what seems so delighting.
In a life .
We are first witness & what
We thought turned out good was opposite
Our views changed
Either purposely or unnoticed.
In this world you won’t do things you Dont want to.
You will never enjoy something forceful.
To my point , my feelings hurt as I say this.
Now I realize ..
I have to accept it is part of reality
If the Man Im my world
, sees me as the problem
like his stress & headaches
Without me ever truly offending In any type of  way
I have to accept it.
If he’s starting to think of his own life without me.
I much accept it.
I was a doubt
he mingled me around
swerved different ways
played with me a bit.
like life
he liked, but wasn't that found of me
528 · Sep 2014
Tick Tock
PEARL SMOKE Sep 2014
iM Becoming To
Feel More Sure About This Desicon. Thats been Roaming
In my head
From quite Some Time my feelings
Towards it are
Getting Stronger as the days go by
Im beginning to not
Want to go any longer reasons after reasons are piling up
Telling myself ishould just end it all cause my life doesn't seem
Worth living
520 · Sep 2014
over
PEARL SMOKE Sep 2014
iWanna Start My Life Over
Sober
No Use Of Drugs
Completely Pure With Innocence
519 · Nov 2018
curently 11/22/18
PEARL SMOKE Nov 2018
Clearing out my Drafts Folder.
Deleting all Drafts That are not completed
Posting the completed but never posting and combing drafts written only ha;f way.
no longer writing poems to express
not even a poem of what im going through at this moment,
518 · Sep 2014
Trying To Find A Way
PEARL SMOKE Sep 2014
iM Trying To Find A WaY
Trying To Find Away To Get Away.
My Mind iS Twisted
iHave No Where To Turn
Not Even Drugs.
iTs me mentally, insanity
504 · Sep 2014
Outside & inside.
PEARL SMOKE Sep 2014
"Crying on the outside and dying on the inside.
That's me that's all you can see.

But what you don't see is that it's not really me,
Or at least not the girl that I once used to be.

I'm drowning in my addiction, this is true,
But I'm desperately reaching out to you.

Won't you throw me a life line,
And try to help me save this life of mine?"
500 · Nov 2014
Away
PEARL SMOKE Nov 2014
I Tend To Always Want
To Walk Away
From Every Type Of Conflict.
Instead Of Staying
And Trying To See What We Can Work With.
I Give Up To Easily
& Feel if i Remove My Self
There Life Can Become Better.
i Make Myself. Suffer,
Just To Let Them Go So They Can Find A New Path
To Go Threw.
While inside Me
I Never Want To Set Them Free
But if They Stay
I Know im The One Who Just Dosnt Seem To understand
Or cooperate
With so many issues
floating in my head.
495 · Sep 2014
im high
PEARL SMOKE Sep 2014
iF You Know Me Then You
Know iM *******
High Right.
Off The Substance that Provides
Super Dialated
Goregeous Eyes. But The come Down
Is A ****.
You Feel Drained , Restrained
Powerless.
No Help But Has A cure That Costs
Your life.
Dosing up so you won't feel pain
The Twist to it
Is the pipe.
Confuses up your mind
Once you Start, you most likely get
Stuck, without Realization
That youll Always have it in
Your position if not youll take risks
To get it
Daily Use, worsens struggle,
Its Not Like ****, with this you
End up feeling like you
Necessarily need it once your hooked you'll think about it 24/7 and becomes your new world. Constant Thoughts of How To Get iT.
The first days are easy
Your supplyd
Have money to buy
Later your body builds a tolerance
A 50 sack Feels like A
Dime sack.
491 · Jan 2018
Hi again struggle
PEARL SMOKE Jan 2018
I’m struggling life.
I remind That High I can escape
Im saying alright, Just 1 **** 1 line.
Getting anxious to buy
Desperate to make the pain fly
I’m ready to forget
Expecting to feel amazing.
I’m now high on methx
It did nothing but self center itself
I’m wanting more , Stay Stuck ingesting/inhaling more.
I’m stressing trying to get good.
While my High is wasting on attempting to feel it more .
Paranoia comes around the door.
Now I try to feel lit but not get burnt
At the end of it all
I never reached what I wanted
So I crave it again & tell myself this time I can go as planning .
Then I come down & feel regret.
I feel so ashamed , So Drained.
Only then is when I see the reality of what it does to me.
I see the truth and how much more I’m struggling .
Only then is when I want to quit.
I feel the pain of this ****.
I hug myself tightly wanting to sleep. Stop the hallucinating & feelings of being seen.
I cry and hurt for change.
This drug does nothing but damage my brain.
But only then is when I become desperate for help ..
After Awhile of Keeping Away
My Need For a life jacket fades away...
I’m struggling life.
My Addiction To Drugs is Getting annoying.
I hate that I can’t just get right.
I hate that I can Change so easy how people view it in there eyes ..
I truly don’t want this life Nomore
But I end up finding myself urging to getting that fix I desire to quit.
Im Tired & Sick . Yet I can’t let it go
I can’t quit even though I See all it’s ruining . Idk why.
I’m an addict
I hopeless drug addict
who can’t let go.
Who can’t move on
Who cry’s to stop , who promises to Drop all things involved.
But at the end , I go back.
Knowing it’s only giving me pain
485 · Jan 2018
Sober in taste
PEARL SMOKE Jan 2018
I feel so sad.
I Want Sobriety,
My minds fighting badly
It hurts so bad knowing I Don’t Want this but I’m here wanting.
I’m not feeling anything To say
I want to numb this .
It’s just an urge at the moment
To feel it in me .
A crave my mind & body
Are feining ..
I hurt when I’m on it.
Though my heart tears apart
I can’t get it through my head
At the end il be depressed In regret
I’m so saddened.
I’m sorry I’m sorry
God help me get through this
480 · Aug 2017
I did it
PEARL SMOKE Aug 2017
I Made it 2 Years Sober.
That's A miracle And such A blessing. I Did it on my own.
I managed To Fight Temptations.
I was able to control My Self.
I Can't believe it... I Never thought I'd actually Complete it.
Never seen myself Actually accomplish.
Sobriety, such a beautiful Thing.
I was Scared To Get Sober.
Now I'm Scared To use.
How Crazy is That?
Never once in my life did I See myself Stop. The plan Was To O.D And Happily die High.
477 · Jan 2018
dont go far
PEARL SMOKE Jan 2018
He feels he needs to breath
From the problems he’s caused.
Yet feels he needs air
As he sees her be the cause.
Lately he’s thinking,
wondering Off.
Not wanting to but
slightly thinking of leaving her off ..
The problem isn’t his Part, or nothing he ever Cause.
He just sees the main parts, the ones he disagrees on.
He already dislikes the issue
Now involving the girl that’s supposed be his wife soon ?
He’s not wanting but wandering off
Thinking a slight different of leaving her oif.
He’s never truly proven how strong his love is.
Which adds more the conspiracy  
Of leaving the love ..
Not that he ever felt Bad
Or try to correct anything
His emotions have been 1#.
Besides he didn’t like her all that much
464 · Oct 2017
Con2vert
PEARL SMOKE Oct 2017
Will I lose or will I break.
I can not let my Addict mind
Take over as it will convert quick &
dope will become my fate.
For ever Gone, unpaired & Lost.
Toss my self away to the drugs
455 · Sep 2017
Lostlo
PEARL SMOKE Sep 2017
You hurt Me in the beginning
Continued Hurting
me in the middle.
After all, I Gave You A Chance. Although you deserved So little.
My Love was Given to You.
I Gave You my body & Mind.
I opened and gave you my time.
I closed and shut anything that will Get in between spending time.
What did I do to deserve this?
I Gave You everything I could !
Dropped everyone for You!
I centered You In
My life.
Baby you became my world.
After All The Disrespect and lies
I Invested all my happiness in Your life. Focused on How to treat you right. biggest mistake I've made. For You, The attention and so much love I Showedd You . I lost Focus on what was the main thing. I Abandoned the task that was most important & Should have been placed over everyone and everything.
I left my recovery behind .
All For A soul that wasn't mutual to mine.
Sobriety was most important.
I lost myself and never found me.
I never retouched connection with what was going to help me.
I was told not to get in a relationship on my 1st yr clean.
They warned it will damage and make Recovering much harder than what it was supposed to be.
Throughout this relationship I felt nothing but
sorrow & pain.
Tears and Frustration  
Dissapointment & heartaches
un explanations.
I Was destroyd even more.
I was tossed & played.
My Love has fade and I lost interest in faith.
It was a huge mistake.
My heart got broken
My Love lost its feel
I have no Wants
To be in love ever again.
Thank You "baby..."
For Contributing to my depression
To Teaming up and ******* my life Up like my addiction.
Team players, both got your wish.
I'm left Hopeless , I feel worthless
Yet I'm in need of your presence.
I fell inlove With A new love.
The feelings of being
let down, Broken, Crushed & ruined. Feeling unwanted
Leftout & Forgotten.
im Obssessed With Dwelling.
Replaying Scenarios Of my heart Being Stomped. I'm sprung on The Thoughts of being loved by no one because I'm not good enough.
How upsetting
449 · Jan 2018
Lover , I’m in deny
PEARL SMOKE Jan 2018
Hey listen lover.
I’m confusing, contradicting &
A liar.
My lies can’t run much farther
Soon enough il Speak.
You’ll turn weak & Wonder .
Question our love and debate wether it’s worth living further..
It’s no shock to hear me say
“I’ve used.”
It’s A shock to know it all along just hoping your doubts weren’t true.
Hey listen lover
You’ve known this for awhile
I struggle with addiction & have never truly recovered .
I’m suffering daily & I can’t come across a reason to really say
“ I don’t need this. I can do it. I can handle my problems & life’s struggled
Sorry baby
Leave me and find some one truly amazing
427 · Sep 2018
Droga addicta prt 1
PEARL SMOKE Sep 2018
Im a Drug addict.
Who Replaced there substance.
No more Crystal,
You became my new ****.
I grew an addiction
Following obsession.
For you to love me.

I was addicted
To doing everything
To get 1 feeling in return.
Your love .

I let myself get walked one.
Kicked , tossed , Used.
I let you treat me at your like.
Today your nice
tomorrow your mean.
You gave me attention & love
At your convenience.
I was ok with it.
Even though it was all tearing
My heart apart
I let you Play me.
Betray me, lie & fool me.

I knew you Were bad.
You’ve done nothing but cause damage to my heart, soul & mind.
You cheated .
Emotionally & mentally.
You Abused me.
Emotionally & mentally.
The pain you’d cause
Was so Harsh
I considered suicide as
my way out.
To end the reality
Of what we really are & Forget that invisionsed a fantasy.
Of you being my Prince Charming.
Who’d treat me like a princess giving me nothing but love & reasons to smile & feel happy.

Seeing you worser than ****.
your Real , You treated
me the way I feared .
“I don’t want a relationship,
I don’t even want my heart to get broken .”
I gave you reasons why
Examples ,
What’d you do ?
Everything I told you
I did not want someone to
put me through.
402 · Apr 2017
Again
PEARL SMOKE Apr 2017
My Mind Loves This.
My Heart Despise It.
Just Spent $80 On An Unnecessary Substance!
I Can't Believe I'm Falling Again.
I Relapsed, It Wasn't Worth It!
My Emotions Go Numb, But Come Back Quick. Then I Fein It..
Fien To Unfeel These Feelings.
398 · Sep 2017
Need you most
PEARL SMOKE Sep 2017
This is why I want you
I need you right now
It's you who I cry for
Dopelove where are you?
I feel lonely and cold
I want your warmth & comfort
I love the way you listen to my words. You never judge, your so understanding. You try your best to keep me happy
Making me feel special & important
I don't need nobody
Just you
You give me everything noones could.
Honesty & loyalty
You listen and make me feel beautiful
395 · Apr 2020
2020
PEARL SMOKE Apr 2020
Im on a soft spin
Momma I let the devil in.
Mother Mary pray for me,
don't let Luther win.
its a substance I replace,
to get some feelings to swim.
in my veins to my brains
I love the way he sings.
I fell again but not low, I'm able to swim.
395 · Oct 2017
The cure
PEARL SMOKE Oct 2017
To over come My Addiction
To find love in my self and belief.
I must leave you.
All I do is bleed by you.
The damage you caused will take too much and take so long to Solve.
That’s the truth and I Now Accept it.
As much as it hurts to believe
You Are my biggest Trigger and The reasoning to my Relapses involve u.
I wish you stoped And Changed the 1st time you did me wrong.
Wish you didn’t continue on.
It’s been 6 years and Through it all You Hurt Me sooo ****** much.
It is clear You will Do it again.
Please leave me
Before I lose You
& you lose me to drugs .
356 · Jan 2018
It’s your truth
PEARL SMOKE Jan 2018
Let’s Be True.
You’ve never been fine with the way I move .
There’s always a problem
With The way I am
There is always an issue you point out you can’t stand.
Let’s be True
You don’t like who I am.
You Absolutely hate
the way I think & things i do.
You make it clear every day.
There has never been a day where I can feel like I did good.
Let’s be true
My appearance was the 1st
Thing bothering you .
I won’t repeat every perfection you wished on a female
I won’t repeat the desirable women that you’d only make your girl.
Let’s be true .
All you do is tell me my mistakes
What you think isn’t ok , how it should be changed.
Let’s be true
It hurts to say that all I hear is
so much “ I don’t likes” from my
So Called dear.
I’m called Stupid, lazy & Dumb.
This is my truth
All Years with you all I’ve done Was make you Made . Over the way I am
All years with you I’ve been scolded
All years you put me down
I get on your nerves & get you frustrated.
You can’t stand who I am
Everything I Say or do bothers you
It’s So sad
6Years together
You’ve NEVER Told me things
I do that are great.
You’ve never put me up
Always motivated me down
That’s the truth
You hate every aspect
So much it affects your days entirely.
How saddened
That even your negative actions
You put on me to.

Let’s me True .
Only I have been put through the toughest times
Only I have felt sadder that I’ve felt like dying
Only I have felt true betrayal
It’s the truth
Only I’ve gone through hell being with you.
Only my reasons are worth feeling a tear .
Everything Hurting I’ve said or done towards you.
Have only been Times you broken my heart over & over

I’m so saddened dear.
I feel it’s not love you have for me.
Maybe it’s the control & power you had on me.
It’s the truth, my love for you has always been Real.
Yes I’ve left you , I dissed you
But what did you do ?
Is it fair for me to keep
Loving you after all pain you’ve caused.
Would you leave me if I were you?
You immediately would.
No question or doubts
With the smallest concern
You’d walk out.
354 · Sep 2017
L o v e
PEARL SMOKE Sep 2017
Hey Love
Have you noticed I've been off?
different vibe, Different talk?
I've been Switching More frequently from A
Good to bad Song?    
It's The Drug.
It's Forming Its self back
to its old ways.
I Was to late and Should have seeked help before I consumed more. After every hit , every line
Ive been burrowing Myself.
Digging The real me far deep in my brain. This drugs insane and difficult to explain
. I don't want this. Believe I Don't like being an addict.
I'm just so far below .
I've fallen to my knees, my heart can't take no more.
So I decided Just 1 hit to relieve all The negative. Sadly enough I know I can't just do it once ..
I'm getting lost baby
I'm trying To save me but this is uncontrollable
especially if Your unhappy.
I can feel it getting worse.
Every time I feel mad I just think about the swirls. How 1 can Elimate The horrors.
I'm Scared. I can feel myself transform and I swear I can't control this
353 · Sep 2017
Perfect minutes
PEARL SMOKE Sep 2017
My Life Felt Perfect.
The minute I took That 1st hit.
I was good , living Chill like everyone around me.
I felt alive & stress free.
Worried about nothing.
My life got complicated.
The moment My secret Revealed.
Now I feel twice as miserable.
I got a reminder of why I'm inlove with the unreal.
With All These complications
My minds Losing patience.
I wasn't craving.
now that it's known , I'm feining.
To relieve All These negative feelings.
I'm loving life High.
I'm feeling nothing, that's why
351 · Sep 2018
1#
PEARL SMOKE Sep 2018
1#
My Sobriety Matters.
Its time to make change.
I can no longer keep around things
that trigger me to fall down.
I can No longer hold on to memories
that torment my mind daily,

I need to be clean.
Recovery means everything to me.
to be Drug free is my life time wish.
i want to begin a life.
one where drugs would never be an option
Where drugs won’t be the first thing I run to when I’m struggling
344 · Sep 2017
Very Dangerous
PEARL SMOKE Sep 2017
Throughout My life.
I've Created Another.
Gave Birth To A mind Who I let have the  time to learn, explore &
Grow within me.
It's Scary.
it Eventually Had The power To Live My life And take control over the real Me.
It gained Streghth & power.
It blinded Me To See Reality.
It Placed me in new surroundings , gave me new thoughts and a Different state of Mentality.
All in Which I Felt Was Always Me
I Didnt See The New life I lived.
I Saw everything The Same.
I didn't see Any change.
Idk How to correctly explain.
It never Went through my Head That I've changed. I never noticed How Unsual Everything turned.
338 · Jan 2018
positve4me
PEARL SMOKE Jan 2018
I Do Have a Light.
It hasn’t sparked yet .
When it does, it will be so bright .
When I free From
This sickness , il be somebody .
I have the potential
To achieve great things .
I’m intelligent.
When I break Free
My life will Experience
So many Amazing things.
Il make my self useful.
I Will be productive
People will then depend on me.
I’m an awesome person.
Unfortunately my life
Unfolded Differently than others.
That doesn’t mean I can’t get
Back on my feet & Level Up.
I might not be anyone right now .
Have Attractive features
Like drive , Work , Education.
I do have other Nice things to point out towards me .  
One day il rise .
337 · Sep 2017
Slipping Quickly
PEARL SMOKE Sep 2017
I'm Troubled. I'm Slipping Back.
I need To Act Fast.
I Don't even Reason With My mind or contemplate On That.
I Promised Just once .
Then I Told my Self
"Another won't hurt."
Next I Said i Can
Control The routine.
Tweak, Sleep, Eat.
I already messed up, Im on
Tweak tweak tweak.
It escalated Quickly .
Not even With ******* Did i Fall That Easy?
Im not even thinking about the consequences .
Is it or did i already
get out of hand
334 · Oct 2017
If I Baby if i
PEARL SMOKE Oct 2017
If I relapse.
Don’t feel hurt.
Don’t hate yourself or feel betrayed.
I relapsed to no longer feel the Pain I carry on every day.
A Lifetime Gift You gave me.
A broken heart.
If I relapse
It’s because I can’t bare to believe I really Experienced The relationship I feared.
If I Use
It’s because I’m so hurt I Gave You my all to get Tears in return.
333 · Sep 2017
Relapsed
PEARL SMOKE Sep 2017
I know Better Than To not Trust myself.
Temptations Have been So Strong Lately.
Arguments With My Bf Always Trigger me.
I Battled 2yrs Of Hard Urges. Even Once drunk My Bf Threw Money at my face saying to Go Get High Like the Addict I've been.
Last Week, I felt so weak.
I Gave In, I took The risk.
I Got High. I Got Away With it, no one suspected. It Felt Great.. Too great.
Other times I Relapsed i Instanly Went back to My Addict Form and Got sent away to treatment.
I promised Myself Just this once.
Knowingly knowing I Failed Other Times.
Well I'm On Day 4 Of No sleep, Day 5 of consuming Tweak..
I've Been Trying to Act Casual.
But I've been Avoiding Eye contact With everyone. I've been Isolating, afraid To get caught but all I'm doing his Giving hints that Someghings Wrong.
Anyways, I'm Scared & Worried.
When I'm Reaching The comedown I Fein To Use More. Today's The Day ive Ran out.
I'm a few Minutes To An Hour Away From Coming Off it. I Hope To hold Strong And Not Hit up My connect .
There is More negative Than happiness in my life. I hope to Reason And find something To hold on to and help me not fall .
321 · Dec 2017
Not 4 Addicts
PEARL SMOKE Dec 2017
Drugs Are fun.
You feel Good & Different.
You have a blast on drugs.
You want to be on drugs.
You love The feeling of the effects.
Not when Your Addicted
Addicts don’t enjoy Being on drugs.
Addicts don’t enjoy the feeling .
Addicts don’t have fun.
When you are addicted, being on drugs is the worst feeling ever.
It is not enjoyable. Your miserable.
Especially when you are so deep in addiction that you don’t even realize your stuck on the habit.
You can’t help yourself out because you are not even aware the substance has taken over your life.
You Don’t get the same high as someone who just enjoys doing drugs and can stop whenever.
320 · Sep 2017
You are fired
PEARL SMOKE Sep 2017
I Had A substitute.
Who I fired Due To Miss Use.
She began Tricking me.
Her Slow Moves Made me
Start Repeating.
The deal Was To heal bad feels.
To Cure my temptation From the other feel.
A good strategy My Addictive mind Put together .
A short Unoticable High.
Although it Was Low potent & expensive. It Worked Perfect.
I Then started Using For no reason. Just to feel the short feeling.
I spent So quickly.
I became angry.
How did I not notice I was building an addiction.
Worse, on something So weak.
That's When I Stoped.
I couldn't go on.
I Deleted And Blocked.
The supplier to this Worthless drug.
I never Liked it. I always hated this. But for The means to Avoid life a few seconds, I Used it.
315 · Feb 2019
Fk Lf
PEARL SMOKE Feb 2019
I’m ******* tired
Of your *******
Fed up with making
Me feel so ******* useless
Sick of all
Your manipulative ways
My wasted days
Sitting around crying
Punishing myself by
getting high Or cutting.
All because of your avoidance,
Sents to voicemails
no replies ,
Tears down my cheeks
While Beers, music , parting
In your Eyes.
I walking lonely dark streets
To blow of the angered frustrated steam that Whistles
Out my body
Because you continuesly
Hide , lie , deny
Every question asked.

I hate I cry
I cry I hate
I’m tired of being
In this Same place

Piles after piles
Depression
Addiction
Emotionally abused
Self esteems so low
Been told many things
To make me feel
Like I truly have no worth .
So sad
That I’m just going with everyone’s flow of me
Being the chaos To
Anything , everything
That goes wrong .

I’m drowning in the sea
People see my desperation
to swim up To breath
Watching me Suffer
Do nothing when I scream
The words h e l p

They just stand by & point a finger
“Shouldn’t have gotten near
the water”
Yeah I know that above phrase made no sense
To you the reader
But there’s so much to explain

I’m just done
I can’t find words to explain
Wrapping my self up
I don’t want drugs
I don’t want pain
I don’t want to run away
I just want to sit
Shove the stick into my mouth
& Pull back the Burner
Push hard & fast
On the trigger
blow up My brain
I’m sad I’m hurt
Lalalala
I just can’t cope
I don’t want dope
Don’t want smoke
want No Sharp objects
I just want all of this to stop

Close my eyes & wake up
To a life where I have it all together
A career
Job , car
Normal life with the basic problems every one els deals with

Idk idk
Why’d he break my heart
Gave Love a chance
High hopes of finally
Making it out my current misery
Start up a new
Beginning
I got twice pain
I got shredded
My life’s at its worst
Going to bed
Sweet dreams to me
Night
Written in FEB 17 2019
312 · Aug 2019
GsDru
PEARL SMOKE Aug 2019
Been feeling so alone.
I want to go on a zone.
but I don't want to go that far.
I don't want to feel the heavy down fall.
just want to stay above & never fall off.

Thoughts come & go.
Weight of the urge
has been heavy & heavier.
Its begun weighing down on me.
7/19
308 · Aug 2019
Sat Aug 17
PEARL SMOKE Aug 2019
Suicidal thoughts
Have been  entering my
Mind uncontrollably.

& I’m not scared anymore
306 · Oct 2017
Without Drugs i I i
PEARL SMOKE Oct 2017
There is Another Side To My Addict Life. I rarely Write About The sights.
When I go crazy in my mind.
How paranoia Drives me Inside
Hearing Voices When Noones Aside. Seeing Things That no one Els but me see. Assuming Your Talking, But not a word Came Out your mouth. Having conversations with my self as if there were someone Els With me too.
Assuming all eyes are on me.
Feeling watched, Needing to hide.
From clearly nothing but The Thoughts in my mind Conveniences me there’s something.
Hallucinating heavily, tripping badly
Want to know the crazier thing?
I don’t need to be on drugs to experience all these things.
It’s the long term affects That impacted me.
When I’m sober I’m delusional.
I go Crazy With no drugs in me.
It’s really ****** sad and Scary.
Experiencing paranormal **** without being on ****
Etcetc
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