How can You?
How can you think of leaving me.
How can you Feel yourself distancing?
How can you feel Unattended.
How can you feel loss of connection
How can ask if I still like you?
Accuse me of wanting Another ?..
I just don’t understand why you would feel I’m pushing you away and at verge of leaving me ?
How can the thoughts of breaking up with me cross you mind?
Complain that I have many issues.
Be upset that I’m difficult and don’t believe you ?
I just don’t get it . I can’t believe you actually question Yourself If 1.your better with out me or 2. You feel I’m taking to someone Els.
This is Just crazy .
It’s So disappointing how your placing yourself in that position .
Whenever You Feel That way ,
Please promise all the b.s You put me through. All the tears that runned Down my face. Abused drugs to forget and attempted suicide because my heart couldn’t take the pain.
YET The Betrayal Still continued.
You Still lie, hide And Are unfaithful.
How can you ?
Compare The pain you caused to The love & attention I gave you.
Never Did you Wrong.
Your in denial of how ****** Up your actions really are

These stories of addiction
Repeated tales
Of hating then saying
I’d turn back without hesitation.
I’m tired of misleading,
The truth of how I feel .
Story telling to these people.
Who will Never see In deeper
.
Across my head
They’ll forever read tweaker
Who’s lying & will go get
High after promising to never take another hit .

I’m tired so disgusted
This drug is really Killing me
Eating up my insides & Confusing up my ******* mind.

I’m dying when I’m on this
Every heart beat is a risk
The Fast Pacing or the slowness
Any second I could collapse
I don’t have to be an addict
I don’t need to have consumed so much or often.

My body might 1 day
Not react to It’s toxic.
Out the blue , just 1 use
Can land me to the place where the skies are blue , Trees are breezing
Lovely green nicely cut grass lays beneath, decorated with stones
Where underneath lay
Loving souls
Who won’t ever return.

I owe myself
The biggest apology.
For putting up
With what I didn’t
deserve For so long .

Whats there to loose
when ive lost it all?
Its not the same anymore.
everything is about to fall.
No one hears me cry
im hurting deep inside
The only thing thts helping me cope is this wonderful dope
The feeling of being numb just calms me dwn actin dumb
No one cant replace her ima love her forever
Im just sick of being mistreated
Im constantly hurting
Its not good but i got a couple of grudges im still holding
Is this how im suppose to
live my life
I fall asleep with tears in my eyes
I hate having withdrawals its a constant reminder im still alive

I preached the opposite
of what I reached.
It Was Too Late, To capture Myself.
I no longer hate..
Am I me?
Did I convert already ?
Why do I feel confused..
Are these feelings true?..
How long was I really in use ..
I'm driving my Self crazy ..
Sleepless night have crawled up.
Where is my care of freedom?
From The disease Or is it already leached on me ..
Addiction is scary.
Please Stay Drug free ...

You will never understand.
How deep You Cut me.
With Your Actions & False Promises.
I Gave Myself To You.
All my Time And Love.
I was faithful & honest.
I Tryed nothing but strive to treat you right. I gave up anything just to spend time by your side.
You will never understand
You Are My 1st love, You Are Forever Apart Of me.
You are permanently imprinted In my heart.
I will never spend that amount of time with anyone Els.
I will never give all my time To another like I Gave You.
I was always there when you needed me.
You just won’t ever understand no matter what I remind you of.
My feelings for you are strong.
I love You so much that your bad for me . All because of all the unforgettable pain you put me through. There is no cure.

Cried my last river.
drowned in my tears.
Sobbed away the sorrow,
Acknowledging that this is it.
There is no future with him.
For years I held on to something
that was never going to work.
My love for him was pure,
I was dedicated and committed.
I loved Him.
This is it though,
no matter how much I love him
I can't go through any more pain,
Just because I love him
shouldn't mean I have to keep staying
every time he hurts me.
Im hurting so much,
I feel like a fool.
How could I let myself
be treated this way for many years.
How much time I wasted
trying to show how true I was.
what a fool of i.

im tired
im so tired of this
im so tired of trying to get him
to see how hurt I am.
He doesn't care
he never gaf
all evidence and proof is there.
its time I get up
and walk the **** away

You Are Running out of time.
Save me Now.
Notice The Heart Aches.
Fix it, Cure it, Help it.
I'm Weakening.
I don't feel capable of Beating it.
I promise You will lose me..
Hope you catch me Before.
Before I Go farther in the boat.
& Get stranded And Tangled
To A Drug So powerful.
Once I'm Gone, I know il Be gone forever.
It will get ahold of me so quickly .
I will change rapidly.
My misery Will Get to me and Make the Choice of
What's best for it.
If I Fall
I Won't feel sorry .
I Won't care for You or anything.

I’m scared
Of never finding hope
To believe my life has no worth
To never finding a light
To get lost in the
Darkness of my depression.
Im Scared
To never feel true happiness
To believe I have
No purpose in life.
To see I really don’t matter ..
I’m scared to prove
Myself right.
To really never start a life.
I’m scared to
Then lose my self again
To lonely nights with toxic touches

You will lose her.
Drugs will take her.
It’s no game.
She’ll be manipulated
To loving dope again.

Be aware
Take procaution .
Every relapse
Is a step closer to losing
Her self again

Her prospective will turn  .
Her views and thoughts
Will twist.
All good she believed in.
The positivity she spoke On?
Will be forgotten.

She Will Lose herself.
Drugs will Take her.
Are you prepared to let go ?

It’s no game it’s no joke .

When we argue and ignore each other. I always say dream about the life we could of had If I wasn’t an addict & you we were A faithful person. Knowing myself, I strongly believe I could have made you the happiest person alive. With My actions And Sweetness .
I daydream Of our life without negativity.
I always vision you happy & smiling.
I always fantasize of a life With You That I cannot live in the real world.
I truly love you. I always have.
I don’t understand how you can doubt that.
Don’t be angry.
Please don’t Feel hate towards me.
Don’t Feel betrayed.
How can you expect me to change?
Yes, you’ve recently behaved.
But I’m still Sinking In The Sadness From the past event that you left unresolved?
How do I move on if all my problems are not solved ?
The situation is to heavy To Forget About completely.
These were repetitive Lies
All avoided and You don’t see how all the hurt you provoked Has built up and anything related will Remind me and hurt 100x more.
You can Do something about it.
Yes I’m complicated.
But there is a way. I won’t tell you.
If you really love me, you’ll solve it. After all through the worst actions I’ve forgiven you.

.
This decade
was nothing But misery,
with heavy pain that
brought many tears.
To finally end off this year.
With a boast to the new,
in which brought me strength
& A path thats now cleared.
I’m happy, for a new decade.
I’m ready for a new start,
This time around,
things will be different.
No more falling apart..
I will hold my self steady
I will hold my self up.
Too much time wasted,
This time I’m building up.

Bye bye 2019,
Bye bye to the 2010’s.
A decade that I will
erase from my life.
1 I’ll never speak on.
a decade I will let go of,
and finally move on.

Physically And chemically Addicted is One thing.
Being mentally Addicted
Is Another.
I'm A Smart Girl.
Unfortunally I'm clever For what's opposite of Good.
I've been Addicted Chemically.
So Hooked I felt I Needed to Get High To continue Breathing.
I needed A fix everyday To function in life.
I've been addicticted Emotionally.
Every time I Felt Some sort of sadness. I needed to Take
A hit or do A line.
I didn't want to deal with my problems or feel Upsetting emotions.
Ive been Addicted Physically.
I Was Inlove With the routine of Fixing A Line. I Was obsessed With Packing, lighting , Melting and hitting the pookie. It all amazed me and I was stuck on The routine.
Im Currently Addicted mentally.
I consider this To Be
the worsest thing.
You see I've been Sober.
My minds constantly Reminding It's self About the good times.
I'm Always Coming across Things that Remind me of getting high.
When I'm Unhappy, Thinking of dope gets me happy.
It's insane.
To Conpletly Stop This horrific cycle I must Work On Forgetting About It .
Need to learn not to reminisce.

I've Relapsed.
All due To my mentality.
It's clever ways Have made its sources To my Brain.
It Plans Scenerios Before it Plays

But your boyfriends feelings.
Have you not thought that You will Lose Him Due To Using ?
Have you not thought about how you’d make him feel and betray him? The heartbreak you will cause.
I have Thought, But He never Thought about How his actions would hurt my feelings. He’s never cared wether tears would run down my face . He’s always put his happiness above Mines.
Aslong as he’s having a good time He Has nothing to Care or worry about. Doesn’t mind me feeling hurt for that night doesn’t care or feel bad about how much and how long I stayed up crying.
He’s Triggered me To Relapse Anyways. & Still then Does he care more about his feelings rather than the ones He made feel Before relapsing.
If I go back To the old me, I’d forget about him anyway. I turn cold and heartless . He’d become extinct in my Addict memory. I Stop loving , I stop feeling and everything attached to that gets forgotten with it.

9/23/17Idk What to feel Right Now.
I'm officially crushed.
Everything around me Is Fallen.
Dieing/dead/rottening.
I'm in deeep depression.
This isn't me. Where's my love for my pets? No where.
When he broke my heart, he broke everything around me too.
I've never been this sad in my life.
I've never been this sad in my life I just can't believe it. I can't believe anything I'm in shoxk
Idk idk good bye sobriety
I just want drugs to cure me
I want no help I need nothing
I'm lost in my head for being so forgiving. I lost all happiness
I don't hate or love nothing it isn't even The Drug . It's me, it's been me. I'm so tired of feeling sad and hurt. I've done nothing ****** Up enough to be blamed for.
This was another open door for me to realize what he's worth for.
Nothing baby , he isn't ****.
For him to really have told me he works and has **** to do broke me.
He has time for others, he has Time to conversate  with a group.
When it comes to me ?
He's tired
He's the reason my Bunnies are not being cared for properly
He broke my heart and crushed the little happiness in me
Where Are the drugs? I just want to get lost and go to another dimension where only I understand and no ones in my way To judge or Hurt me in any way.
I lost all hope
I don't know anymore
All I Want is to get High and never come back
Never experience reality again
I'm tired of it all
Thank you baby for officially taring me apart

Untitled
You once told me.
'Not everyone thinks like you'
I Now know.
what your phrase means.
how its applied to our life.
Its 2018
You still question whether
to continue on our love..
You are right. nobody thinks like me.
so I have to accept.
that's just who you've always been.
loved me with doubt.
---
Untitled
Been living in The dark.
Trapped by these 4 Walls.
Everyday, Same Feel.
Sadness & Helpless.
6 Years.
Living In a box .
Nothings changed
Happiness has not made its Way in
I Can’t no more .
I Sit On The cold Floor.

---

Untitled
The nerve you have to make me.
Feel as if I’m truly torturing .
As if you don’t deserve to be
**** talked to.
The nerve you have
To say I don’t respect you
Making me feel so bad

----

Let it consume me.
Destroy the little left in me.
Let it Come Like a tornado .
A furious hurricane .
I don’t care , what’s there to look forward for.
I’m so unhappy and keep on finding more reasons to

----

Untitled
Why
Did you Do this to me.
Damage me badly.
I repeat over & over.
Same Vocals.
Why
Did You Hurt me.
Why did you play with me.
Why didn’t you notice how this was affecting me.
Why
Weren’t you respectful.
Take advantage
Take me for granted .
Why
Did You convince me.
To be kissing friends knowing I had feelings for you.
Did

---

Forever now
I’m doubting
More than I ever have.
Wondering about the
Little loyalty you carry.
What’s going to happen
To that speck .
You’ve never been honest.
Now I’m worried.
Since I avoided you that night
Which is something I never do but I copied you that night.
My point
My irrelevant lie
----
Untitled
I made a mistake.
So little that it’s not worth the hype
But you ,
You wait for days like these.
I Mess Up So Small
& you love to make it a big deal.
It’s your excuse to go

----
Untitled
Disgusted of Drug Abuse
When She Hurts Her mind Turns.
The tears that run down & The Trigger Is something he’d Said or done That’s led her to run .
Alone She Seeks & Returns.
She Uses Alone.
Responds to All calls & Texts.
You Were the switch
To intoxicate her body , Esch hits a risk . To breath less , For the body to not resist & Give Up .

----

Untitled
Disgusted of Drug Abuse
When She Hurts Her mind Turns.
The tears that run down & The Trigger Is something he’d Said or done That’s led her to run .
Alone She Seeks & Returns.
She Uses Alone.
Responds to All calls & Texts.
You Were the switch
To intoxicate her body , Esch hits a risk . To breath less , For the body to not resist & Give Up .

---


My depression is not progressing
I’m in such distress.
No mood to right Nomore .
I’m tired , Of not having power.
To leave & Move on From Everything That’s Overwhelming.
I’m hurting a lot.
People don’t see it.
It’s all in my head.
It’s insanity eating my brain .
I’ve been walking forever.
So many obstacles have crossed my path that’s delayed me.
Back trac

This Is Not a Joke.
My addiction is no Comedy.
It’s A serious problem That’s affecting My life
& everyone around me.
It is Not the same Like in the beginning.
When Conversations Of “Getting Lit & Being On one” Were Looked As Funny.
Where I Talked Constantly About Loving this Drug And being induced.
**** Jokes Arnt hilarious Anymore.
As I Now Am The Joke.
I Can No longer Speak About crystal Like I used to.
“LOVELIT” Turned into “HELPME”
“DOPESPRUNG” turned into “ITSNOTFUN”
“BABYLOVE” Turned into “SAVEMESOMEONE”
I Got hooked Blindly.
Although I Speak Of Wanting To Be High Forever, I’m lieing.
It’s hard to explain
Just know, I Do want sobriety.

The Klouds are in the morning.
As soon as I hear the birds chirping
Once the sun shines in.
Lines are For the night
Since I can’t flick the bics light
Lines last longer
klouds Hit stronger
Thank god for hot rails!
A combination of both ❤️❤️
The best of all is the needle
You feel all the **** blast through
Such a warm loving feeling.

I’m groping in the dark.
I entered this world clueless.
I don’t know whats right.
How am I supposed to act ?
What’s Ok & what’s not ?
What should I feel ?
How do I react .
Is this too much , Fair or too little?
What’s affection?
Why am I being scold ?
Why am I being Told that I’m not showing any love ?
I’m giving all my attention
I’m very nice , I’m showing that I care a lot and figure ways to make them smile and laugh?
Why are they mad ?
Insisting to touch lips
To Rub hips
To touch Areas I had no clue sent signals of “love” ?
I’m so confused.
I have no experience.
I’m told to kiss
But I don’t know how to move my ******* way they find pleasing?
As a matter of fact
This all feels so Uncomfortable
Weird , odd & A vibe that’s
Opposite from what they are experiencing...
I never knew there was
types of love .
Never knew the ways each one is expressed..
My head is blank from everything other than the love my
parents showed me..
i Got into a relationship
Without knowing the definition
Nothing close to knowing
any meanings..

I Don't Want To!
I'm nearing my sober views & i know your scheming
Leading me to go and find you.
Please Stop
I can't do this
I can't hold you
Understand we must keep apart.
I know Your the main damage
Idk how you manage
To lure into my mind
Making me believe all these lies!
I know drugs are not right
Their is happiness I just need to search hard to find.
Stop it Babylove
Leave me , let me be
Get out of me
Set me free
I want to be normal
I do want to live sober
I don't want to hate Nomore
I've been miserable for too long
Since 5th grade I've been hating
I want to like myself
I want to feel proud
I want motivation
I mainly want to Accept myself
To feel pretty & confident
I deserve to smile
I'm tired of this froun and negativity.
Baby Love please help me in Another way without your taste
Make me hate you
Make you be the reason I gain strength.
Make your love be the reason why I shouldn't go back.
Remind me That using you is wrong.
Although it's the only thing that's ever Treated me best .
I'm now confused and I know that's you getting into my head
Your switching up my mind right now as I text
Your right...
Babylove how could I forget
Aslong as am With I don't need worry about all this

I Don’t Believe You.
When You say I’m The Only one.
Stop lying to me.
A light pretty Face with Big ******* are guaranteed to prove your own self wrong.
Just speaking and thinking about this topic has me urging for a fix.

I don't care
How people might View me
I don't give a ****
Call me a Drug Addict
I don't give a ****
**** I love it
Why deny it?
Ew you crack head
Ha ***** Mind yours
Cause I love that world
Drugs and drugs
Yes, I love all of them

Look at me.
Dead in my eyes .
Can you see I’m ready to die?
How many times
Must I repeat
I hate my self
Hate my life
I’m ready.
Grim reaper
Please come take me.

I'm tired of it all
The Thoughts , the Confusion
Stressing and over thinking
It's all overwhelming
I'm sober and I'm hurting
1 hit will solve everything
A Hit always makes it go away
My problems, my feelings
Everything  I've been thinking
Dope completes me
I don't need no one when I'm on
Don't need love or company
It gives it to me all
As Well as dearh
That's what I'm mainly seeking
An end

I Found Evidence.
Proof That it's Not me Doing This purposely.  
Evil does Exists.
I believe People Have 3 Sides.
Good, Bad, Undecided.
I believe These Sides Have the ability to Turn You Into Someone Els Without You Noticing.
I Also Believe "An Addict"
"A ******" "a non believer" And "A religious Person" Are Something Aside The real life You.
It's Another Mind Placed By What ever Higher power.
I have 2 Life's in Me.
Real Me & Addict Me.
They Both Have a real Life.
They can Feel, Think & Decide.
Can Move, Control And Have A voice of Their own.

angrily reminds me.
He wasn’t raised to show affection.
His reason to why he’s
Never caring or “loving”.
In a mean why
Telling me He’s Sorry
He can’t respect or show How much I mean to him .

Angrily tells me
He’s Sorry He can’t
Show me the “boyfriend qualities” id wish he had.
His excuse to never Making me feel special, appreciated, wanted is
He has no experience being in a real relationship.

Angrily Tells me
To go find someone els
Who can treat me the way I want.
Who Can do all the things
I ***** that he never does.
His excuse?
Once again..
He has no type of experience
Never had a real gf.

Angrily tells me
He has no experience showing someone how much they
mean to him .
How he doesn’t know how to treat a real girlfriend..

All of this gives him the right
To act So cruel.
All of this Is why I’m
Forced to forgive him for all of his hurtful actions.
I’m forced to be understanding
To always accept this.


Clueless on how to act in a relationship.
Mind blank of how to be loyal , Kind , caring, Honest & respect.
Well Learned To
Lie betray hate & be disrespectful
.
Clues on how to show love.
Be amourous , give affection.
Well educated on how to ask & insist for ****** pleasures.

He’s clueless on how to
make me Feel Special.
Well educated to make me
feel like I’m nothing .

Says to not expect
Teddy bears , surprises, Gifts.
He doesn’t know how .
He knows how to
Vanish for days give
Unread texts & missed calls.

Parents showed no love.
So he’s not experienced.
Parents didn’t show him To look & ask for ***.
But he’s fluent In Talking & Making his way through those gates.

I'm needing A Fix.
I'm low on this Glow.
I'm sadend, Feel weakened.
I'm coming down slow.
I'm feeling My feelings
Tired From Sleepless
Hungry from starving
Feeling from numbing.
Baby I'm sorry!!
I'm urging to wan it.

One gram, 1 day.
Need to slow down,
line after line.
what exactly am I trying to feel?
obsessing over chopping till fine dust.
spending all the time emptying
out more & more.
trying to feel something.

This isn't my Poison.
Its a replacement,,
subtitiuting my cravings.
Overdose is posible with anything.
am I over doing it?

trying to feel something.
can't tingle ****.
it's upsetting.
I hate it
though here I am..

It remains in the present .
Happened 1/2/3/4/5 yrs ago.
They always got pushed away & forced to be forgotten.
It remains in the present.
No solution was ever talked out.
The problems repeated itself.
Through out the years.
It remains in the present.
Trust was broken .
Never once has it been attempted to get fixed just worsens.
“It was the past !”
My feelings pushed under the rug.
Never acknowledged.
The past holds unsolved heartbreaks.
The past holds tear drops that still tear now.
The past holds “forgiving actions”
That still happen.

Temptation Got To me.
2 try's, within 2weeks
was Good For 2 Straight Years.
******, My Habits Humming.
I know Better, Iknew Better.
I believed I was strong for just one.
Addictions Got me, I have to run.
She's so Happy, that she got me.
I've been fighting and Tackling
My addictive mind Since that time.

Thank you
For making me not
Want to be alive .
pushing me farther in darkness
To where I no longer
Bother to find the light.
Was this your whole plan.
To fool me About
Finding real happiness.
Finding solutions to get me  away from wanting
seeking drugs.
A promise to help me
Build a new life.
Being The replacement
that saved me.
Was this your bate.
To act like you cared.

So you can Trap me
Tie me up & Be your puppet.
Use me for your greatest advantages.
So you can throw & Toss me.
Exsist when your bored
Have nothing to do
Or no ones around to kick it
So I’m the unfortunate alternative.

Made me visualize
This prince & princess
Love story .
That was all a lie.
I feel in love you .
I did & went by everything you wanted me to.
When I did wrong
You scolded me .
I was never allowed to Act Upon your Unfairness .
I had to accept even the
things that were not .

Was this your plan ?
To lie about helping
my broken self.
To be your entertainment.
You saved me from suicide just to Show me more reasons why I don’t want to be alive?
I was your puppet with shut lips.
That’s why you loved me.
I managed to bite through my mouths strings and that’s when you begun to Dislike me.

I was never allowed to speak on actions that hurt me.
So I begun to.
Instead of realizing how true it is that your unfair ..
You grew anger
Started complaining Saying
All I want to do is start arguments.


You started losing interest.
What attracted you from me
Was my silence
Moved and grabbed me
Whenever you wanted
How ever you pleased
Treating me carelessly .

I’m treated like ****
I’m viewed as nothing
You have no respect for me
Or even care if my heart beats.

Thank you
For saving me from Wanting to end my life.
Just to use me up
Then Drop me back where I contemplate suicide .
Just this time ?
You’ve given me more of a reason to want to die

All I Want is to Succeed.
Not in my education
In building a career
Owning a car & living in rich hills.
All I Want is to succeed .
My Plans for the future
Are not Living lavishly
But to succeed
In Overcoming my fears.
Stepping out of depression
Stepping out of my addiction
Stepping out of my relationship .
I want to succeed to move on
From the past. & my present .
That is my goal
To move on from unhappiness
To leave it all.
Start fresh With nothing that will press me down .
I love sleeping now
To dream of a life
That can’t happen now
The one I love
Just won’t be the one
I thought I’d live long with .
It hurts , but I’ve been hurt .
Tears have runned down
More frequently.
I’m tired
Of constantly hating
I want to be restarted
Refreshed
I want to get away from my pain
That’s roaming in my veins
The Hurt he’s caused
The memories he’s Scarred
I want a new life style

I’m not happy.
Neither are you.
Don’t lie & say you love me.
I don’t feel it’s true .
Just like you don’t
believe me either
When I say All I Want is you.

All I Want is to
Connect , Interact
Enjoy each other’s company .
All you want is
Intamcy , Seduction
Enjoy Eachothers body.

Im Feeling lonely.
I’m wanting outings & activities.
Your feeling Irritated.
You want Time apart & have fun with Friends instead.

I show interest & listen
When you talk.
I enjoy hearing your voice.
I giggle or laugh .
You show annoyance.
You show no interest .
When I tell you about things ..
My topics are unimportant .

My company does not
Please You.
You complain about
my every move.
My presence no longer enlightens
Your day like it once did ..

It’s easy to

I'm done
With Our love &
anything involved
with you.
I can't continue on with this ****.
I want both SS
Sober & Single.
Find me a new life outside of you.
I'm Always suffering
I'm sad, Down & frusterated.
I'm always told
"Your young & beautiful"
"There are better men in the world"
I contemplated at first.
Saying il never love another.
I shouldn't think like that.
I shouldn't hate Love because of 1 that Ruined and broke my heart.
I have hope.
I don't want to smoke dope.
Il one day be happy.
Feel good naturally.
Someone will come across me
Who is a true Bf
Who will not make me feel bad
Who will truly love me for me.
At the mean times
I'm done being played silly
I'm going to focus on my Sobriety.
Eventually someone New will come between me & treat me how I'm deserved to be.
I'm a great girl who can do amazing things.
Aslong as I'm played dearly fairly.
Looking forward To a real love.
The one I had, Well You
lost a good one

I’ve let the whispers
Of the demons in my head
Turn into comforting melodies
Turn into irresistible desires
They tell me how good
The sin could make me feel
Convince me of solutions
That shouldn’t be options
I let them taunt me
Twist my thoughts around
But in a moment
I am reminded who the enemy is
The demons are not on my side
No matter what they try to offer
Even when the temptation
Sounds exquisite
I have to muster the strength
To fight for my life