He grabbed me by the hair
And beat me up.
I said, daddy stop it
Please not here.
Daddy, I don't know who you are
Daddy, you're not my daddy
Any more
Daddy, go away.

He punched me several places,
Several times
Until I bled.
Until I hated him enough
To spit on his face.
Until I loved him enough
To believe I deserved it.

He screamed I was a *****.
He screamed it so many times
It got to my head
And changed the way
I saw myself.

I said, daddy not here,
Not today.
But he beat me up
Harder.


F.Z.**N

It's a whimper
It's a pain
    In my stomach
     In my brain
It's a lung full of air
I don't want to breathe.
Watch, Watch. See what it does to me
It's a drumbeat (not my heart)
Tap-tap-tapped out on my thigh
Eyes glazed and staring
Fixed, unblinking, into space
Hands shaking unable to
Stay still
Teeth digging into chapped lips
Hoping to peel the skin
Nails leaving crescent marks on
Palms on
Arms on
Face on
Neck
Teeth grinding to
Cover the noise
The yelling
The crying cover your ears and it doesn't help
Brain overloaded woth
Facts and thoughts and
Memories: themoonshiningbrightasthesunhandsbleachedwhiteundertheglareasyous­truggletospeaktoformwordsorcoherentthoughtsuntilyoucan finally breathe again
Deep breaths calm down
Bucket-fulls of air burning your lungs
Eyes rolling in their sockets
Blinking away tears
The mind goes blank
Wake up wake up wakeupwakeupwakeup
Wake up to
Patterns decorating
Your naked body
Marked with old scars and
Fresh blood
And you are finally calm

This morning walking by the sea
Seen a lady, eyes closed
Lonely, lowly, desperate
Soignée but very thoughtful
I got out of there
Afraid of she discerns me

My voice soft as I comfort her...
Everything will be okay.
My little sister nods and dries her tears...
Heard broken by the mean words of a friend.

All will be fine

All will be fine...
I have told her that so often.
Yet I didn't believe that for my future.
I can't even picture my future.

When will all be fine?

Something sad on tv.
My mom is clearly upset.
I give her a hug and a smile.
I am sad to but didn't pay attention to the tv.

I lie to her...
All is fine

Yes dad I know you are mad.
And I have no reason to cry.
I am sorry.
I live a happy life and yet I cry.

A happy life?

Sure I live a happy life.
A good life.
I have everything.
Yet I feel a lack of happiness.

I am so sad and depressed.

But when one asks.
I lie.
I don't want to hurt them.
I don't want to worry them.

I lie.

I try to protect others from getting hurt.
Like when they know I am in pain,
They will have to endure it too.
So I lie.

I have a good life.

I just want to die.
But I never say.
I always lie.
I am okay.
I am fine.

I am simply living a lie.

I am falling...
deep
...into the darkness...
I can't see a thing
...of my own mind.
there is no light

Am I insane?
Save me please

I am falling
*deep into the darkness

the people who i fight for
gave the city just in first day..

If I could only slide my wrists and die...
If I only could leave this place behind...
If I only could OD on some pills or...
Jump of a building so high...

I fear I did be gone by now
Weren't it for those people who care
That I am fighting

I want to die
Hurt myself
Commit suicide
But I promised them not too