a name: Favorites

Jul 2021 a name

NvrMnd

h e a r t b r e a k i n g
In a soundproof room
No one hears it but you
uncontrollably
Sending electricity beneath your jaw
running up to your eyes
You feel the electrifying current
turning into water of agony
Flowing to your face down to your pillow
Until you fall asleep alone with your emotions
Having no one else,
n o o n e e l s e.

Jul 2021 a name

Wind like Rain

Jul 2021 a name

CarolineSD

Wind like Rain

I could say that it is burning in fire
Churning in great waves of charged ions
Like those which lift in monumental drifts from the surface of the sun;

A solar wind within.

I might succumb to the raging of the flames
Turn my face to the sky
And tremble beneath fingers that
Dance like the northern lights
Across the tundra of my skin.

My heart might thunder like horses born of fire
Hooves drumming across the curves of space and time,
Along the arching of my spine
Pressed to your chest.

Or is it not flame at all,

But a wind like rain?

My hands falling across the contours of your face
And how some memory of sadness cascades inside my soul,
Like in some forgotten time,
I lost you before,
And how I can never lay close enough
And the rain it falls and falls and falls
And how I tuck my cheek into your neck

And I just want to stay.

#fire #rain #wildness #gentleness #friendship #love

Jul 2021 a name

Not for this world.

Jul 2021 a name

CarolineSD

Not for this world.

Within the expansion of time and space
Are designs of such grace and fragility
That a minuscule slip in the balance of cosmic,
Nuclear forces,
An imperceptible alteration of the alchemy that is creation
And there would have been nothing and no one to speak of
What it is

“To exist.”

Yes, there is some kind of faultless synchronicity,
A precision fit that
Holds all of

This

The exquisite symmetry of our spiraled, star swept galaxy.

And yet,
Among all of these elements, these forces, these pieces and
Fragmented masses
That seem to find a beautiful, celestial

“Fit,”

I cannot say the same for my own spirit.

I do not think I was well-made for this world.

If there is a home,
A warm place to actually rest
A lighted space in which my heart will not race
And continuously break
As things of substance reveal a mundane emptiness;
The charade behind this endless parade of life,

And when I kneel between the silent pines,
Just by the rushing brook,
And I think I can hear God speak,
If there might be a time that this voice would actually break
Through the deafness of common day,
So that, just once, I could maybe,
Truly understand what it is trying

To say,

And if I could just push the veil away and curl up within
The kind of love that stays;

Then, maybe I would think that I was made by the same forces of Creation that wax and wane the tides;

That beautifully align

The stars.

But right now it feels like any home is very far

Away

And while, perhaps, there are spirits made just for this place,

I do not know if I belong

Anywhere

At all.

"As you tune your radio, there are certain frequencies where the circuit has just the right resonance and you lock onto a station...Oxygen can be formed by combining helium and carbon nuclei, but the corresponding resonance level in the oxygen nucleus is half a percent too low for the combination to stay together easily. Had the resonance level in the carbon been 4 percent lower, there would be essentially no carbon. Had that level in the oxygen been only half a percent higher, virtually all the carbon would have been converted to oxygen. Without that carbon abundance, neither you nor I would be here."
- Astrophysicist, Hugh Ross

Isn't it funny that within all of the grand design of the universe that created worlds upon worlds and the very possibility of life, sometimes we can feel so ill-fitting? :(

#quantummechanics #design #belonging #notbelonging #lost

Jul 2021 a name

Every Fiber of my Being

Jul 2021 a name

CarolineSD

Every Fiber of my Being

And there is the stillness of the endless sleep
Tucked deep beneath the winter’s snow
Curled within the thickness of the earth
Released from sadness
Released from pain

Released

Released

Released

A consciousness freed to slip
Back into that vast ocean from whence it came,
Just like the way that stars exchange their lives in one,
Final dispersal of glorious light,
For the welcoming silence of a galactic night.

But then there is this cry
That falls and cuts hard and long right down the inner backbone of
My soul
And how it screams,
“No!”

And how in one, single moment, I know with such clarity that

I don't want to go.

And I can barely hold all of this love
In my hands
And I grasp at it while it overflows like a raging river and I am
Clutching at
Each precious memory,
Soaked in the undeniable surety

That I love all of this more than I could ever say

And I want to save each fractured second of it all;
Tiny arms around my neck
Mommy goodnight
The way the snow glints off the distant, highest peaks
As the new Dakota sun begins to climb
And the way I can snake my steps along ridges lined with conifers
And find the highest rocks,
Climbing to where the hawks glide below
In the open spaces above the cliffs
Where the alpine slopes roll and roll
To horizons made of crimson sunset and gold.

And I know that this is home;

Like the first notes plucked of the most beautiful chord,

Or the way my breathing ebbs and flows
Like a gentle river that the painted mountains hold
In a quiet grace
When I lay my face
Against your chest

Or every time I hear your voice.

And I want to hold on
To all of this
And I don’t want to let go
And how can I ever rip the very fabric of my soul
And just fade away,

Let go?

Every fiber of my being screams out “no!”

There are times that slap me in the face and make me realize how soul shatteringly much I don't want to lose; how desperately I love.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wriI9cCCfXo
"I began to hear my name
And silence in a hurricane
The dust was leaving from my veins
Like some forgotten border train
Carried to my home again"

#hope #love #fear #life #death #darkness #light

Jul 2021 a name

Ceremonial

Jul 2021 a name

CarolineSD

Ceremonial

There is such thing as a healing round.
I won’t explain in detail as
A person does not speak of
Sacred things,
As if to assign form to what is
Better left
Shifting through the wind
Like the breath of God.

Better left to those whose
Ancestors passed down the songs
That shall not be sung in winter.

But I will speak of the
Splitting of my skin
At a feather’s edge
Bone whistle call,
Walls dissolved
And all the grief came pouring out.

Bent over, arms clutched across my Chest, sobbing now,
Tears wet the earth.

I finally allow in
The presence of my mother’s death

And a broader mourning
That I cannot define.

There is such thing as a healing round.

I am walking now
Footsteps quiet on the cathedral floor,
Faces in stained glass
Watching from lofty spires of marble and slick, gray stone.
Do their eyes follow my small, hesistant form?

I do not frequent churches and prefer to come alone

To enter a silence
In which all of the suffering
That this world
Has ever borne
Hangs heavy
Suspended in the resonance of
Great, imposing halls,
Vast oceans of sorrow, and here too,
Something that carries and lifts;

Perhaps, the love of God.

Heal us and forgive us
In our blindness
Take my hand and show me,
Again, the sunlit road
Where we can be found.

There is such thing as holy ground.

The water knows
Rushing between the rocks,
Between the wild, greening cliffs
Where gently a little Robin flits
And perches on the tangled brush
Beside the shore.

You belong here, she sings,
You belong
You belong

And there is such thing as holy ground

Always within it beauty
And a great sadness looming

And how is it that so few can trace the outlines of its form
Beneath the skin,
But you can
You can
You can?

#ceremony #sundance #broken #healed #light #sorrow

Jul 2021 a name

Storm-whipped

Jul 2021 a name

CarolineSD

Storm-whipped

I let this wilderness excavate my soul
Hard edged rain thrown from a raging sky
Cuts quick across the exposed contours of my neck
Hair gathered and whipped across my eyes
And I will kneel in this dirt and beg to
Be stripped down to the throbbing core
Of what it is that
We really are.

A crack of mountain thunder
Vibrates along my spine
And the wind even bends the tallest bodies of the pines
Who reach their trembling arms high
Above the cliffs
And I am still clutching at the darkened sand at the edges of this
Storm-whipped lake
Heart beating wildly, half-afraid
Of the violent power of this wild space.

But here, finally, in ecstasy,
Like one released,
I find that I am face-to-face
With the missing pieces of my soul
Cut off in jagged edges
From the day that I was born,
And it is only in the presence of haunted,
Exposed wilds
Sometimes high in these cliffs,

And sometimes in someone’s eyes,

That I find myself again.

And so, like one who is often blind,
I extend my hands out into the darkness
Fingertips aching to find
Another spirit that is formed of mountain storms and
Rages wild.

Is it a blessing or a curse to always feel the rushing
of love beneath it all?

"There's a craving that will never come to pass
There's a hunger that will never cease to last
There's an aching that lies deep within my soul
For the promise that someday I could be whole."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCxQiJtmSGk

#wild #wilderness #passion #souls #love #release #lost #found

Jul 2021 a name

I Want To Build A Rocket Ship

Jul 2021 a name

Brett

I Want To Build A Rocket Ship

I want to build a rocket ship, but this full moon blanket,
keeps me tangled up in bed.
Maybe a sun shower ,will birth a rainbow,
and I could build a bridge with that instead.
A walk with the weather, may be what I need,
to clear the clouds above my head.

The soggy sounds of rain, strum the chords,
that sing a song inside my brain.
A violin or guitar riff, to untwist the tornadoes,
my heart’s stuck with.
Who needs the stars, when I’ve got the sun,
to shine for me when bad times come.

My sandy feet always have the waves, to wash away,
the darker shades of cloudy gray.
These lonely lips even have a kiss, and the warm caress,
from her outstretched fingertips.
I want to build a rocket ship, but today,
I’ll just exist.

#earth #home #heart #love #climate #peace #together #flowers #fields #poetry

Jul 2021 a name

Suicide

Jul 2021 a name

Warren

Suicide

To finish your own life by hand,
May seem like the right thing to do.
But to free yourself from this land,
Is to imprison those that love you.

#suicide