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I haven't been around for months now,
Not the person I was born to be,
Taking it out the those who help,
And those who are around.

A disruptive path,
Damaging everyone around,
The ones who fully don't understand,
Personal pride being the issue.

Alone is what I need to be,
To grow up and out of this shell I have formed,
Now I have to prove I'm not wrong,
Battle to be the person I want to be.
I have been such a **** to someone nice
it's 2 am
and she is
inhaling lightlessness
black oceans through the veins
like the sky without
the moon comforting her
through his loneliness
because her eyes were shut,
swallowed the stars into
the heart
and dimmed the glow
like unlit glitter
turning into dust.
Your long black branches are broken into fine detailed pieces,
One piece followed by the other in harmonizing perfection,
Unfolding dark colossal secrets of your past.
The howling sound of your cries beckons my soul,
The scent of your cut-off roots lures me into your sanctuary,
With tears on your fragile leaves, I hear you talk
And I solemnly listen; your resonant voice pierces my ears.
I silently scream into your exuberant core,
Closing its walls upon my vulnerable body,
Choking in subsequent intervals of beat-racing time.
Your radical leaves blind my vision,
And you watch my petals wilt into thin air.
The chemicals you inject me with are dominant to my thorns,
Inducing a form of uncontrollable intolerance towards you,
And yet, I don't want to depart from your strong grip.
You're designed to break me, to degrade me from my shelter,
And to degrade yourself from affection and sentimental memories
You could rip my roots off, but your suicidal acts shall remain.
I lie in your core, distant from the raindrops that keep me breathing
Only to realize that, you've left me..
*Leafless.
a while ago.
"This morning
I colored the sunrise
With my tears
And tonight
When my head
Hits the pillow
I'll dream of
The wrong person
And I guess . . .
That it just feels
Very lonely
Help me
Please help me
Because I . . .
I don't know
How to do it alone"

*The Suicide Diaries
I watched the sunrise alone this morning
But what about the days

the days we wake up with a sigh

and we can't help but ask why

why o' why did I not die

in my sleep. We do our best

"am I not strong like all the rest"

"Has life just put me to the test"

full of questions and no solutions

no rest or retribution

am I destined to live like this

begging god for a clear wrist

Soon I'll be gone and not be missed

Soon I'll be gone like all the rest
what does it mean
what is the world forcing itself to tell me as my heart cracks into trillions of little pieces of muscle
and where is the meaning?
what does it mean to feel like where you really belong is not in this world, not in this body, what does it mean when you feel like your entire existence is something someone created out of acting on destructive intentions
i cant find it
i cant find where i am supposed to be
i cant find what i am supposed to feel
i cant understand why someone would have to be this way
tell me where it is that i can find
what it all means?
I hyperventilate when I walk into a store or restaurant alone because I feel like I look like that fat lonely girl who got stood up.

I get lonely at midnight and panic that no one truly likes me and that I have never actually had a best friend.

I feel like a burden to anyone who is my friend and spend all my money on gifts for them to reaffirm that I am not a waste of space in their lives.

I always feel like I am being watched and that people are judging me every moment of the day.

I never tell someone how I really feel because I am afraid that when I am not happy, no one will like me, therefore no one has seen the real me and its entirety.

I feel weak when I cry and hide myself away from people so that no one will know I have an unhappy emotion.

I give 110% into making people in my life happier than I am because I am afraid they will leave me and it drains me so much that I feel numb when I am alone.

I never tell people of my past because I don't want pity from them or for them to worry and I find it exausting to reaffirm that I am not sad, even though I am.

I never tell my friends that I have depression and severe anxiety because in the past people have disregarded it and not taken me seriously.

I put up this wall for myself that makes me on red alert 24/7 and its like I am always running and never allowed to walk.

I feel like I am always sleeping with my eyes wide open and I wish that I could wake up.
I am like a void
An endless abyss
I try not to fall
But sometimes I miss
In the end
I am leaving you behind
And if I cross your mind
Please remember my friend
This was not your fault
So don't ever feel sad
I was a ticking time bomb
A great nomad
I wanted to explore
But not of this land
In the end
I was given life
But what I sought was certain death
This sounds more depressing than what I had intended.
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